Will There Often Be "Competition"?

I'm an 18 yr old girl, currently a college student, and I really like my instructor, who's in his 40s. Just to reassure everyone, I would never make a move or anything while he was my teacher. I sort of assumed I was probably the only girl who really liked him as he's a lot older and we're all in our late teens/early twenties. But the other day in class another girl admitted that she really likes him too.

I guess I was sort of surprised because I always assumed it was fairly rare for other girls my age to like older guys. And I have no experience with dating, so it made me wonder: with most "good" guys, will there be a lot of girls interested in them? I hate the idea of girls "competing" for a guy, I think it's so stupid and catty, but is that the reality? I also feel a little insecure about myself- I'm pretty, but I don't really do my hair or makeup like other girls. I guess it stresses me out, feeling like guys I'm interested in might be comparing me to other girls.

Thoughts?

I guess I was sort of surprised because I always assumed it was fairly rare for other girls my age to like older guys.

Yes, if you want an older man in a position of authority, you'll be competing with a pretty much every 18 - 22 year old and potentially their mothers. It's definitely not a refined taste for young women your age.

As far as the game of dating goes, you can either see it as competing against others or simply improving yourself for the sake of your own contentment, which will likewise increase your marketability.

Also bear in mind you'd like to relieve yourself of competition while not doing your hair and makeup "like other girls," yet I'm not seeing you crushing on an average looking guy with jeans that are a bit too baggy. Which is fine. Just gotta keep certain things like that in mind when establishing your perspective.

I guess I was sort of surprised because I always assumed it was fairly rare for other girls my age to like older guys.

It's very common for younger women to be attracted to older men who they see as confident and practised at relationships. The student/ teacher thing is so common it's a joke.

I with most "good" guys, will there be a lot of girls interested in them?

By good I'm assuming you mean confident, not too haggard looking and intelligent? And in a position of power over you educationally? Yes, they will have interest from other students.

I guess it stresses me out, feeling like guys I'm interested in might be comparing me to other girls.

Yes, you will be compared to other girls. This is where you find out if the man you like is actually into you, or just into having women be into them.

Is he married?

Best to assume that a lot of girls have a crush on the teacher, it's quite common. Both of you having a crush on the same teacher is not "competing for a guy".

Work on your self esteem and image. Get a makeover and some nice clothes, work out. Smile, learn to be confident. Join some study groups, clubs, sports, etc and events on campus.

I'm an 18 yr old girl, currently a college student, and I really like my instructor, who's in his 40s. the other day in class another girl admitted that she really likes him too.I hate the idea of girls "competing" for a guy.

I'm dead.

 

Yes, if you want an older man in a position of authority, you'll be competing with a pretty much every 18 - 22 year old and potentially their mothers. It's definitely not a refined taste for young women your age.

 

As far as the game of dating goes, you can either see it as competing against others or simply improving yourself for the sake of your own contentment, which will likewise increase your marketability.

 

Also bear in mind you'd like to relieve yourself of competition while not doing your hair and makeup "like other girls," yet I'm not seeing you crushing on an average looking guy with jeans that are a bit too baggy. Which is fine. Just gotta keep certain things like that in mind when establishing your perspective.

Actually I never said anything about caring about his appearance? I care way more about a guy's personality/intelligence than appearance.

But he's cute, right?

Look, you're 18. This is par for the course. I had cute instructors at uni too, but it's honestly better to not get a crush confused as something you have to act on. Any man past his mid 20's who wants to get with an 18 year old has something wrong with him. (That goes for women to.)

You will never be surrounded by so many men your own age in such a great concentration again in your life. Take advantage of that and get some dating and relationship experience within your own peer group.

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Someone needs to watch Raiders of the Lost Ark

off topic, but can somebody tell me how to successfully add an image to posts? I keep getting "Attachment 11291" underlined, but I wanted the image to be pasted right on the post?

But he's cute, right?

 

Look, you're 18. This is par for the course. I had cute instructors at uni too, but it's honestly better to not get a crush confused as something you have to act on. Any man past his mid 20's who wants to get with an 18 year old has something wrong with him. (That goes for women to.)

 

You will never be surrounded by so many men your own age in such a great concentration again in your life. Take advantage of that and get some dating and relationship experience within your own peer group.

Absolutely. I met my husband at university.

Teachers, doctors, firefighters, police, EMTs, pretty much anyone who is an authority figure of any type will generate their fair share of crushes, because these are the people other people look up to and look to for how to do things right, keep things right, be the ones who help us find our way in life. As to this professor, none of you have a chance with him in the first place, bluntly speaking. If he is at all ethical and not abusing his authority by helping himself to the coeds around him. He will be used to having students have crushes on him, oh well into his 60s and beyond I'd imagine. I had a friend in college who was absolutely starkers for a 70-year-old professor of ours. Me, meh, but she thought he was everything she'd ever want in a man at the time. We still laugh about that years later although he did inspire her to take up her own profession and in that way he was immeasurably valuable.

As to competition, well I really hate to use that word in connection with love. People aren't a game and it doesn't matter how or what someone else does to "compete" over someone, the person in question is going to make their own choices based on what they want, not whether someone else has a shorter skirt or bigger muscles. And if they do then you can pretty much scratch them off your list as the sort of person who sees other people as "things" or "objects" and treats them that way. On second thought, toxic people, people who are emotionally unhealthy, do want people to "compete" for them and will egg others on to do that.

Those are the people you should run from the second you catch wind of it too. Because that's just not a normal thing, and it speaks to someone who has either such a fragile ego or giant one, that you are not going to get anything sane or normal or good out of them in the first place.

There will always be those in life who are stronger, prettier, handsomer, smarter, more fortunate. And there will always be those who have it far, far harder than you in all ways. I know more than a few people around the world who would give anything to be in your position, allowed to get an education, to choose your career, to choose your own mate, to not fear being shot at or rounded up in the dead of night to disappear forever simply because you chose to say something less than flattering about a country leader.

That fact is when you meet someone and you both match and they like you for you, there is no competition. Nor should there be. If someone else wants you to "compete" for them then you're with the wrong person to begin with, and a hardy point towards the door they need to walking through away from you will fix that matter.

Agree....

Take advantage of that and get some dating and relationship experience within your own peer group.

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off topic, but can somebody tell me how to successfully add an image to posts? I keep getting "Attachment 11291" underlined, but I wanted the image to be pasted right on the post?

the post though: am i the only one who read it as : "i WILL NOT ACT ON THIS AT ALL. i am just wondering if, later when i'm dating guys, i will feel like there is competition as a rule"

no, you won't. two reasons.

one is it depends on the guy. some will like to keep admiring orbiters, and enjoy the fact girls are competing for them. you want to skip though. give them a wide bearth.

two is it depends on your insecurities. if you read the threads on here you'll notice that terribly insecure people can feel like there's competition even in the complete absence of other people they will sometimes literally make up a story in their mind that there is a person their partner is interested in.

just work on feeling comfortable with yourself, and use a good filter to identify and skip specimens with huge egos.

btw: everything i'm saying, i'm saying goes for both sexes equally. because OP is asking about males, i answered that "some guys like to...". it's not a gender thing.

yes, it would be nice if that was fixed, i've had the same problem ever since i've joined. never been able to post a pic, ever. i know it belongs to forum assistance, just wanted to add betterwithout isn't the only one with the problem. might be worth looking into attachment problems some posters are having. i'll add my name to the list if you post this in forum assistance, i'm sure many others too.

 

the post though: am i the only one who read it as : "i WILL NOT ACT ON THIS AT ALL. i am just wondering if, later when i'm dating guys, i will feel like there is competition as a rule"

 

no, you won't. two reasons.

 

one is it depends on the guy. some will like to keep admiring orbiters, and enjoy the fact girls are competing for them. you want to skip though. give them a wide bearth.

 

two is it depends on your insecurities. if you read the threads on here you'll notice that terribly insecure people can feel like there's competition even in the complete absence of other people they will sometimes literally make up a story in their mind that there is a person their partner is interested in.

 

just work on feeling comfortable with yourself, and use a good filter to identify and skip specimens with huge egos.

 

btw: everything i'm saying, i'm saying goes for both sexes equally. because OP is asking about males, i answered that "some guys like to...". it's not a gender thing.

Yeah that's exactly how I meant it, I wasn't really talking about this situation but more the future, if there's another guy I do have a chance with, will I still feel this way?

Thanks for your advice😁

Competing for a guy actually makes you look weak and insecure. No 'good' guy will respect that. Only people looking for an insecure person would be drawn to that. If you are looking for a healthy relationship that mentality is NOT the way to go. Being yourself, being authentic, being unapologetically the real 'you' is key. That means building self-esteem and self confidence. Much harder than changing make-up and a lifelong quest but totally worth it.

In addition, the vast majority of 'good' educated 40 year olds would not go for an 18 year old, more likely people of stunted emotional growth and/or looking for a situation where they have the upper hand would. The maturity and life stage and experience gap would be too great. Mature people tend to seek out equals in terms of mental and emotional development not someone to teach/parent/lead or even worse, mold.

Based on what you wrote, you are a typical 18 year old, not some 'old soul'/exception. Getting with a 40 year old would most likely lead to missing out on some of the best experiences of your life. Crushes feel nice but should not be taken seriously at your age or you risk missing out on REAL life and you only live that one ONCE. Don't worry, you will have plenty of time (and it's best) to date 40 year olds further down the road when you will be able to put things in a more realistic perspective rather than worrying about wearing the right make-up.

Competing for a guy actually makes you look weak and insecure. No 'good' guy will respect that. Only people looking for an insecure person would be drawn to that. If you are looking for a healthy relationship that mentality is NOT the way to go. Being yourself, being authentic, being unapologetically the real 'you' is key. That means building self-esteem and self confidence. Much harder than changing make-up and a lifelong queat but totally worth it.

 

In addition, the vast majority of 'good' educated 40 year olds would not go for an 18 year old, more likely people of stunted emotional growth and/or looking for a situation where they have the upper hand would. The maturity and life stage and experience gap would be too great. Mature people tend to seek out equals in terms of mental and emotional development not someone to teach/parent/lead or even worse, mold.

 

Based on what you wrote, you are a typical 18 year old, not some 'old soul'/exception. Getting with a 40 year old would most likely lead to missing out on some of the best experiences of your life. Crushes feel nice but should not be taken seriously at your age or you risk missing out on REAL life and you only live that one ONCE. Don't worry, you will have plenty of time (and it's best) to date 40 year olds further down the road when you will be able to put things in a more realistic perspective rather than worrying about wearing the right make-up.

Ugh, I appreciate your comments but it's a real pet peeve of mine when people determine from a couple of paragraphs that I'm "the typical 18 yr old." Who can even say what that is? Maybe I am, maybe I'm not, but it feels very condescending to me and really wasn't a necessary comment.

I do understand what you're saying though. I think as a young woman it can feel there's a lot of pressure to be/ look a certain way, but I try my best not to fall prey to that.

The other thing that you might like to consider is that, although quite a few of your peer group find him attractive, if he were to act on it, he would lose his job.

Agree....

Competing for a guy actually makes you look weak and insecure. No 'good' guy will respect that. Only people looking for an insecure person would be drawn to that. If you are looking for a healthy relationship that mentality is NOT the way to go.

]

Ugh, I appreciate your comments but it's a real pet peeve of mine when people determine from a couple of paragraphs that I'm "the typical 18 yr old." Who can even say what that is? Maybe I am, maybe I'm not, but it feels very condescending to me and really wasn't a necessary comment.

 

I do understand what you're saying though. I think as a young woman it can feel there's a lot of pressure to be/ look a certain way, but I try my best not to fall prey to that.

It's fine if you don't want to play that game (I'd actually consider it pretty refreshing), but you'll have to adopt more of how guy's generally have to approach dating: sticking your neck out and risking some rejection unless you're good enough at telling jokes or make enough money for folks to notice and come to you. Or get into video games.

Or get into video games.

In my day, it was pinball. Arf!

You can look however you want. As far as dating does, the pressure for a young woman to "look a certain way" is largely predicated on the fact most women would rather be the one approached than to be approached herself. Well, when a man knows literally nothing about you, your appearance is all he's got as a significant motivator to initiate with you.

 

It's fine if you don't want to play that game (I'd actually consider it pretty refreshing), but you'll have to adopt more of how guy's generally have to approach dating: sticking your neck out and risking some rejection unless you're good enough at telling jokes or make enough money for folks to notice and come to you. Or get into video games.

I've never played those games, and I have nothing against asking a guy out- in fact I've done it before. And been rejected but that's another story 😁