BF brother depressed, worse because of us.

Hello ENA! It's been a long time!

I'm posting from my phone so apologies for spelling.

Let me start by saying that realistically I know there isn't much I can do about this situation but I wanted to get more perspectives on it. ENA often makes me see an angle to something I didn't see before.

My BF, Bruce and I have been together for about 2 years. Just a couple of months ago I got a job out of state and moved. Bruce began looking for work out here and recently landed a job! Awesome right? (Note, we lived together before I moved and will do so again when he moved)

Bruce has a brother, who's an adult, with a serious but not life threatening illness. Before I came into the picture this brother had to go on disability and move back in with their mom. From what I understand this has been the situation for years. I've meet all these people, his brother is nice enough to me but can come off a little rude at time (I chalk this up to his medical condition that can cause pain). I also know that he is not happy about his current situation but he also doesn't do anything to change it. He won't look for a job and the disability money he gets he spends on stuff he doesn't need instead of saving it while he lives at home.

My BF found out that ever since he announced he got a job and will be moving his brother has sunk into a (more serious) depression.

I told my bf that is brother is a grown up and really all he can do if asked is to suggest to his mom some new house rule. If he wants to live there he has to see a therapist to deal with his depression, he has to get a job (part time, work from home, whatever), and he has to speak respectfully to their mom while he lives there.

My BF wants to talk to his brother directly about it but I don't see that ending well.

This is a real struggle.

From where I sit, it sounds like your boyfriend is doing well which contributes to jealousy in his brother.

Your boyfriend is likely feeling a little guilty that he found a great job, and his brother is on disability.

I have heard that some on disability are legit unable to work, but some are just plain lazy. I can't say which of the two he fits in but my guess is that he is making excuses to why he cant work, and just spending it on non-essentials. (taking advantage of the system)

There is no beating around the bush though, your BF genuinely wants to help and if his brother wants the help and isn't too stubborn, your BF should definitely talk to him directly about the house rules, seeing therapist, get a part time job (at least) and be respectful to his Mom.

If it doesn't end well, too bad, at least your BF tried. His brother is an adult and should behave as such.

I think that there are perhaps people who can step in and help to make change in others' lives. And then there are people whose attempts to intervene can just cause more stress and freeze someone up.

Perhaps the best thing you can do when someone is depressed but unwilling to accept help is just live your life and be a model for them. Not in a condescending way, but just to enjoy life and show that it is possible.

Although it sounds like it's frustrating for Bruce's brother to feel stuck, it sounds like Bruce is a trigger for him, and perhaps space will help.

I feel it's also good to remember that such acting out can be defined as: 'unhealthy and unhelpful (and sometimes unacceptable) reactions to perfectly valid frustrations'

I told my bf that is brother is a grown up and really all he can do if asked is to suggest to his mom some new house rule. If he wants to live there he has to see a therapist to deal with his depression, he has to get a job (part time, work from home, whatever), and he has to speak respectfully to their mom while he lives there.

This is principally between the parents and your boyfriend's brother, secondarily between his brother and your boyfriend. All you can and should be doing is providing a relationship absent of unnecessary interjection and stress. Him having a reprieve from the family drama through your relationship will serve him much better than making the relationship yet another facet of it. If he's going beyond the occasional venting about his brother's situation, then it's on him to figure out how to cope with it.

Congrats!. Don't feel guilty about living your lives and doing what you both need to and want to do.

Your bf's brother needs to manage whatever he needs to manage if that includes ongoing therapy, medical care, social services, help, etc. It sounds like the brother is stuck in his ways, no?

Just a couple of months ago I got a job out of state and moved. Bruce began looking for work out here and recently landed a job! My BF wants to talk to his brother directly about it but I don't see that ending well.

I agree with j.man. I would not take issue with the connection between Bruce's announcement and his brother's deeper depression. I'm not sure it there is judgement or frustration on your part with the brother, but let it go.

I would just be supportive of your BF and his choice to move to be with you. Sounds like your BF is aware of the depression but isn't going to let his brother's mental illness stop him from living his life. It's only an issue IF your BF somehow lost his spine and decided to stay home because of it. If he's still planning to move and be with you, I wouldn't worry about it. Let the brother languish in his pity puddle. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Agree with those who are saying that you need to carefully keep out of this.

The brother is an adult, so you really can't go to him and announce house rules without causing war. Precisely because he is not a child and that approach is incredibly demeaning. That aside, the ultimate decision on how to handle things is on the mother. It's her house and he is her son. How she chooses to handle things is up to her and it would be best that your bf keeps out of it.

If the brother has jealousy issues, then actually moving away, putting in distance and avoiding talking about your life and successes around him might be for the best. It's actually a lot like removing an irritant. Anyway, nothing new about sibling rivalry and in many cases it does carry on for life. Distance in those cases is actually healthy.

I would be prepared for your bf to carefully bring up the possibility of the brother moving with him. How would you feel if he did?

" because of us"... I just want to point out, his brother is allowed to be sad that Bruce is moving away.

" My BF wants to talk to his brother directly about it but I don't see that ending well." How do you want it to "end"? Why shouldn't your BF talk to his brother? My advice is let siblings be siblings, and just support your boyfriend by listening to him and avoid judging his family members. Family matters are tricky, but it is his family for him to work things out with.