Good lord, I feel SO stupid. Again. How should I handle this

So I was dating someone about a year ago. We dated for three months. He was the one driving the relationship...calling me his girlfriend, making plans for future (camping type plans, not wedding plans). Things seemed to be going well (don't they always)...we had wonderful weekends together, surf trips, etc. One day, my friend saw him actively online on an online dating site that she was on. He actually had a photo of the breakfast we had made together and titled it "I love to cook". I called him out and he broke up with me.

Well, he contacted me a few weeks ago. Told me that breaking up with me was the stupidest thing he's done, he's compared me with everyone he's dated since we broke up, etc. and could he please see me. So we started seeing each other again...slowly and have been having a LOT of fun. Spent the whole weekend together this past weekend.. He called himself my boyfriend when we were making breakfast on Sunday. I was caught a little off guard but didn't say anything.

Now, I've done something really stupid...I guess I have trust issues because of him and other relationships. I set up a fake Tinder account (used a friends picture, with her permission) today...Sure enough, he's on there so I liked him. Well, he "liked" the girl that I set up as a profile so we matched. He hasn't contacted this person yet but I'm wondering if I should just walk away from him? He's obviously on Tinder and using it. Whether it's an ego boost to see if women like him...should I set up a date with him and show up as myself and surprise him?

I'm pretty pissed at myself for trusting and believing him again. I know Jman and Wiseman are going to tell me off for "trapping" him. And I know I know....if you look for trouble, you'll find it. Well, I looked for trouble and I did find it. So, let me have it. What should I do?

**Edit. This past weekend we would talk about surfing trips, camping trips, etc. and he kept saying "we need to make a list of things we want to go do"

Sorry to hear this. Leopards don't change their spots, do they?

Why not sit down like an adult and talk to him? Tell him what you expect in a relationship (for him not to be active on dating sites seems like a good start). Tell him what you would need for this to be a relationship and ask him if he is willing to do it. If not? Walk away.

What should I do?

Be on high alert. Have you had a commitment talk yet?

Sorry to hear this. Leopards don't change their spots, do they?

Comeon Wiseman! I need something more from you....a GIF or something...please!

So do you think he's still on the prowl or just looking for an ego boost?

Be on high alert. Have you had a commitment talk yet?

We did talk. I told him that I'm apprehensive and he said he totally understands and "I have a lot of work to do". While we were at the beach one day he said "I really just want to see where this is going" and then called himself my boyfriend over the weekend.

Why not sit down like an adult and talk to him? Tell him what you expect in a relationship (for him not to be active on dating sites seems like a good start). Tell him what you would need for this to be a relationship and ask him if he is willing to do it. If not? Walk away.

I know, I know. I totally understand that. So far, he hasn't reached out to the Tinder profile. If he does then for sure, I'm done. But we did have a talk where he said that he has a lot of work to do to regain my trust and make this work. I dunno...I'm feeling like a balloon that just got all the air blown out of it

I don't think you entrapped him in this case, just doing your homework based on prior experience with him.

What jumped out at me was this: "he's compared me with everyone he's dated since we broke up, etc".

That sounds like he hit a dry spell and is backtracking through the black book. Yeah, tread carefully.

I think it's both 6757539]So do you think he's still on the prowl or just looking for an ego boost?

Stop beating yourself up. And I'm a rabid fan of Wiseman and j.man, myself, but I think that you did what you did and I can't say in your position that I would have done differently, so if it's not a good idea, I could easily be right there with you.

Also, I don't think that you were foolish to trust him. Someone once told me, give everyone a second chance and no one a third (based on the received wisdom of 'first time is an event, second a coincidence, third a pattern, effectively) so it makes sense to me based on the way this came to pass that you would have allowed the bloke a chance to redeem himself.

Personally, I don't think that you can conceivably ignore what you discovered, so even if it's fruit from the poisonous tree information, you still have it harvested.

I recommend that you walk away at this point, but I wish you luck with whatever you decide.

(For the record, I'm not saying that I disagree with the non-trouble seeking stance, not at all. Just that I could personally and easily run afoul of abiding by it)

He has clearly demonstrated what he's made of, therefore why torture yourself with seeking out more details?

I don't know. If I'd just rekindled a relationship under the same circumstances, I'd start doing "a lot of work" by closing my dating account!!

I think you've been given pretty accurate advice above so not much to add other than why don't you just ask.... "Are you still on tinder, by the way?"

And then see how honest he is and what his reasons are for being (or "not being") on there.

I think you've been given pretty accurate advice above so not much to add other than why don't you just ask.... "Are you still on tinder, by the way?"

 

And then see how honest he is and what his reasons are for being (or "not being") on there.

This is what I was thinking about doing. But if he does reach out to the fake profile, then I'm done (obviously, LOL!)

I don't think you entrapped him in this case, just doing your homework based on prior experience with him.

 

What jumped out at me was this: "he's compared me with everyone he's dated since we broke up, etc".

That sounds like he hit a dry spell and is backtracking through the black book. Yeah, tread carefully.

 

I think it's both

 

 

Thanks for that, and BTW, it was NOT mean to be disrespectful of either of you!

They say love is blind. Do you really need advice on what to do?

Oh come on. You know perfectly well that all you need to do is show him the door and slam it shut behind him. There is nothing to discuss, confront, etc. You already know from the past who he is, you have checked and caught him again being....surprise surprise.....himself. I mean all you did is fall for an ego flattering line that he fed you. A classic and well worn one at that.

Oh and stop trying to justify and differentiate like him just flattering his ego is somehow ok. Hey guess what? All cheaters are flattering their ego when they are running around on you. You don't talk to them, you don't teach them lessons, you don't set up fake date with them, you already have ALL the information you need to dump his azz and block him forever. Like seriously......

The whole calling himself your bf....insta relationship, future planning, mr. fun times guy....well...yeah straight out of player 101 handbook.... You ARE smarter than this right?

I can't help but think that, even if he doesn't initiate a conversation with that fake profile on Tinder, whose to say he isn't communicating with other people on Tinder or on other sites, etc. in general.

I don't believe I could genuinely invest my heart in someone like this. I'd always be wondering and looking over my shoulder (and for good reason, clearly. A guy like this would give me reason to feel this way, and I for one wouldn't want to live my life like this - especially when you know there's a better connection/love out there to be had). By investing in someone like this, I'd feel like I was shorting myself. Something tells me you do too, surfdiva.

It's difficult to let go of someone when you feel a strong connection on so many other fronts. Just can't help but question this guy's honesty and loyalty to you - which are pretty big deal breakers.

I tend to think you should walk away.

HOWEVER...

you've only been dating again a few weeks right? It seems perhaps a bit quick to be exclusive. I know he's called you his gf, but I think you should just say "are we exclusive? Is it time to delete my dating profiles?" And see what he says.

He probably didn't change his spots.

DancingFool. Whew. Brutal honesty. I appreciate it, I really really do. I'm the same way and appreciate the kick in the a@s. And, you're right….you're all right. This POS showed me who he is the first time I was dating him, not going to let it happen again. This time I wasn't THAT emotionally invested. Just a couple weeks of fun and BS talk from him.

So, yeah. I'm done. I deserve better, I don't want to have to wonder "if" or "when" he's contacting other women. I just blocked him from my phone. The POS doesn't deserve an explanation. He's now free to be a pathetic jerk wth someone else.

Thanks guys!!

P.S. I went after work for some retail therapy. Bought myself a new surfboard…so this day didn't totally suck

Easy, you send him a text telling him after careful consideration, you are no longer interested in anything with him. Then you block and delete him, ignore and move on. Showing up just gives him an opening to say, "I knew it was you all along, that's why I played along with it." Then he'll play that stupid Pina Colada song (a song I absolutely loath and detest) and you'll fall for it, because you want that rather than the truth. (Rolls eyes)

Consider this one a done deal and move on. And learn to trust yourself, so you don't have to try catching someone in the act. You already knew it was bad idea to begin with and what you were getting into, so why didn't you just trust yourself enough to go, "Uh yeah guy, thanks but no thanks" in the first place?

You need to learn to trust yourself more and just not allow sketchy people in to begin with once you know that's what they are.

EDIT: Blocking works even better with no explanation. Good for you.

Easy, you send him a text telling him after careful consideration, you are no longer interested in anything with him. Then you block and delete him, ignore and move on. Showing up just gives him an opening to say, "I knew it was you all along, that's why I played along with it." Then he'll play that stupid Pina Colada song (a song I absolutely loath and detest) and you'll fall for it, because you want that rather than the truth. (Rolls eyes)

 

Consider this one a done deal and move on. And learn to trust yourself, so you don't have to try catching someone in the act. You already knew it was bad idea to begin with and what you were getting into, so why didn't you just trust yourself enough to go, "Uh yeah guy, thanks but no thanks" in the first place?

 

You need to learn to trust yourself more and just not allow sketchy people in to begin with once you know that's what they are.

 

EDIT: Blocking works even better with no explanation. Good for you.

Honestly, I did. I felt "something". Knew in my heart I shouldn't have fallen for it. But my friend convinced me that everyone deserves a second chance. I'm not blaming her at all, but I agreed with her and thought "what the heck".

Also, I just found him on another dating website. Last online yesterday at 4:04 p.m. Total and complete POS. After telling me what a wonderful weekend he had and how he's looking forward to many more, he jumps online. WHAT-ever. Done.

Ugh, what a lying cheating player. Good for you for being strong enough to drop him. Let him wonder what happened! That's probably the best payback for these idiots.

Dump his azz.

He is not trustworthy. The next time someone shows you who they are, pay attention!!!!!

Comeon Wiseman! I need something more from you....a GIF or something...please!

 

So do you think he's still on the prowl or just looking for an ego boost?

Of course he is on the prowl. AGAIN! Listen, this dude was calling himself your bf. He is a playa!!!!

Honestly, I did. I felt "something". Knew in my heart I shouldn't have fallen for it. But my friend convinced me that everyone deserves a second chance. I'm not blaming her at all, but I agreed with her and thought "what the heck".

 

Also, I just found him on another dating website. Last online yesterday at 4:04 p.m. Total and complete POS. After telling me what a wonderful weekend he had and how he's looking forward to many more, he jumps online. WHAT-ever. Done.

surfdiva, I happen to agree with your friend.

You can give someone a second chance, with eyes wide open, not allowing yourself to become too invested, and play it out.

But no more than two, cause often times with introspection and self-reflection, people can and do change if they care enough.

So now, you have given this a second chance and he has disappointed you once again.

Now you know *for sure* he is absolutely without a doubt NOT the right man for you and you can walk away, for good this time, no "what ifs", no second guessing, it's finite, buh bye, next!

Which you would not have known had you not played this out.

So no regrets, okay?

Everything happens for a reason, and you needed this to play out.

If it were me, next time he contacts, tell him you're done and then block. By text is fine.

Jmo but knowing you as I do, I think you will feel better if you do it that way, rather than just disappearing and blocking.

No need to resort to ghosting. That's just low no matter how much of a d-bag he is or how he has disappointed you

JMO on that though, you do what's best for YOU!