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Thread: How come I can't magnify the good?

  1. #1
    Platinum Member Naomi99's Avatar
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    How come I can't magnify the good?

    I've noticed a pattern in myself as I get older; that I tend to inflate and ruminate over the small things and overlook the good, specifically when it comes to my partner.

    As an example, I would get really irritated when my ex when would brush his teeth and walk around the house while his mouth was foaming, and he'd carry on a full-blown conversation with me with his toothbrush hanging out of his mouth. I would say, "Can we talk after you finish brushing your teeth?" but it persisted and got to the point I would hide when I knew he was brushing his teeth. This went on for eight years!!

    Or even my last short-lived relationship, the guy who was eating off my plate and taking my power bars. It annoyed me to the point I yelled, then started hiding my food.

    Small things like these push me to the point where I'm so distraught, it affects my work and everything else. And these "issues," on a grand scale of things, aren't really significant enough to make/break a relationship but I inflate it as a tipping point for me! Why? The internal grumblings begin where I think this person makes my life worse than better, then it just snowballs from there.

    Both of these men are not bad men; in fact, they're everything a girl would want. Always checking in, affectionate, washes dishes and doesn't make messes. Loyal and honest. No gamblers and bonds really well with their women, no intimacy fears.

    But all the good aspects are forgotten and my focus becomes directly on things that are small and dumb. I'm like a horse wearing blinders and all I can focus on a tiny little flaw, yet surrounding me is greatness or potential for greatness if I just took off the blinders.

    It makes me wonder how I would handle a bigger problem, like infidelity. I think that would kill me. Sometimes I feel foolish reading the problems posted on this forum, people with cancer or someone who got herpes or pregnant, then I inspect my issues and they're so childish.

    How to stop sabotaging my relationships with the small stuff?
    I'm going to wake up one day and realize I'm all alone because I couldn't handle someone dipping his finger in my cake.

  2. #2
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    Naomi...I think you crave both companionship AND complete independence.

    The trick is finding a balance between wanting a relationship and wanting things done YOUR way. Because if you want a love relationship you can't always have your own way.

    I do find it interesting, however, that you were willing to be super accommodating to the doctor and seemed to be willing to bend yourself and set aside your own needs to please him. Why was that? And are you afraid of giving up that much control again?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member JaggerJim's Avatar
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    They say people get more grumpy as they get older. They have less tolerance. Do you think your just aged before your time?

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    This concept has been around for all time. "Familiarity breeds contempt is a proverb. People do not respect someone they know well enough to know his or her faults. The more acquainted one becomes with a person, the more one knows about his or her shortcomings and, hence, the easier it is to dislike that person".

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  6. #5
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Examine if you want to be right or have a relationship.

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    Platinum Member Ms Darcy's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by JaggerJim
    They say people get more grumpy as they get older. They have less tolerance. Do you think your just aged before your time?
    There is actually a lot of truth in this. Honestly, as I look at the folks who I know who are single over a broad range of ages, it's the older folks who are a bit grumpier, less flexible, more set in their ways.

    Almost TOO independent and not really able to compromise.

    Of course, that's not true across the board, but that might have something to do with it.

  8. #7
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    Naomi, I didn't read your thread about the doctor, but heard a lot about it (and your RL).... do you think because you compromised so much of yourself in that RL, that you may have some (hidden) fears about that happening again and about commitment in general?

    I have felt this way (in fact I am feeling it NOW), and found this book particularly helpful.



    In fact, I am currently reading it again, for like the zillionth time.

    Ever since my six year RL ended in late 2015, I feel like I might subconsciously sabotage relationships or push men away (or run away myself).

    Something to consider and explore (within yourself) anyway.

    You can order the book on Amazon. Good read!
    Last edited by katrina1980; 02-21-2017 at 07:06 PM.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member JaggerJim's Avatar
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    Don't worry Naomi, I can get grumpy too

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    Silver Member BecxyRex's Avatar
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    I've learned with me it has a lot to do with "not having control". I like to have control over things whether it's me driving or to a lesser degree what my partner does or doesn't do. I don't act on these thoughts and know how to manage myself, but I've spent some time analyzing why something might bother me. Have you had a traumatic experience in your past where you lost control?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    True......
    Originally Posted by JaggerJim
    They say people get more grumpy as they get older.
    [IMG] ]

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