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Thread: Second chance too good to be true?

  1. #1

    Second chance too good to be true?

    So a girl I dated briefly last year recently came back into my life, she is quite a bit younger than me (I'm 35, she's 25).
    We dated for a couple months and split up last November, she broke it off and made it very clear at the time that we were over. It wasn't a very bad breakup or anything but I was actually really upset about it for awhile, like almost depressed. A couple months go by with no contact from either of us, I honestly didn't think I would ever hear from her again.

    Then out of nowhere she starts texting me.. like almost daily. At first I thought maybe she was just talking to me as a friend but as a bit more time went on it became clear that she was interested in a bit more than that and honestly.. I couldn't have been happier, I still missed her a lot and I really had nothing else going on and I figured I might as well go for this opportunity, second chances don't come around very often but I should still be cautious. Over the past month we've been seeing each other, she asked me to go sleep over a few times and I even got to know her 5 year old son a bit more and things seemed to be moving forward.

    The last couple weeks things seem to be a bit off, I haven't been hearing from her nearly as much and she seems to be too busy to see me much lately. I took her out for supper on Friday but she didn't ask me to stay over afterwards, she said was really tired.. I guess that's not a big deal. I asked her yesterday if I could see her at all this week and she said she's booked all week, hanging out with friends and going shopping out of town on the weekend, like maybe she could invite me to hang out with her and her friends sometimes? I don't know.. I just feel like she's been putting distance between us.

    We did talk before about taking things slower, one of the reasons why we broke up before is we were moving too fast for her and she freaked out. She also told me that I get attached very quickly.. which is probably true, and that scares her. Something else I should probably disclose about her is that in her past she was sexually assaulted... a couple times so she has big trust issues with men, which is understandable. I really like this girl and I don't mind dealing with these issues to some degree, if anything I want to help her. I have really been trying to give her space, but it's like this thing we have going on started gaining momentum then she slammed the brakes and put it in reverse. It's just confusing, I don't know what this is, what we're doing or where it's going and I'm a bit frustrated and pretty much keeping all this to myself. Should I say something to her about any of this or just keep my mouth shut? She is very skiddish and I'm just afraid if I try to bring any of this up so soon she'll just run off, I really don't want to screw this up again. I have some anxiety issues and I am probably WAY overthinking every little thing here.. okay rant over.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
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    Ever heard the expression "fallback guy"?

    You're the one she'll come to if she's getting bored with the rest of her life/isn't seeing anyone at the time but fancies a date/needs someone who'll put up with being messed around because anyone with self respect would have backed off by now.

    Unless she gets professional help for her past traumas, and gets over her mistrust of men, she's not going to be available to anybody in a meaningful way. You can't help her, and it's not desirable to enter into a relationship in the hope that you can "help" the other person.

    By all means talk to her about this; actually state your boundaries, and she may well just run off. Let her. If, however, she is prepared to listen to your viewpoint and become more consistent, then you may have something to build on. If you have to hide and bury your feelings in a relationship, it's a relationship you shouldn't be in.

  3. #3
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    Sounds to me like she's keeping you in the picture, but exploring other prospects. Forget all the "issues", look at the behavior: she left you suddenly, without clear reasoning. then came back suddenly, without clear reason. Probably left you for another guy, and it didn't work out.

    Sounds like she's doing it again. Dont be the backup guy. Ditch this chick.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Did she just break up with someone? Definitely slow things down and let her initiate more.
    Originally Posted by bonestorm81
    We dated for a couple months and split up last November. We did talk before about taking things slower, one of the reasons why we broke up before is we were moving too fast for her and she freaked out. it's like this thing we have going on started gaining momentum then she slammed the brakes and put it in reverse.

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  6. #5
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    If you don't mind being used then by all means move forward with this woman.

    She is just using you to fill a slot until she finds someone else she wants to be with and will jet from you just as fast as
    the first time.

    I would definitely talk with her and see what she wants with you and I would also tell her that it's not working for you, as it does not seem to be from what you wrote.

  7. #6
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    Pretty much what everyone else said. It sounds like she likes you around when she has nothing else going on, but then when other people or things come along she pulls back. "I'm booked all week" is code for, "I don't really want to see you, I have other plans and you aren't a part of them."

    That's not taking things slow. That's "I call all the shots in this relationship, you have no voice and no say." I don't think a sexual assault is the issue, because honestly if she is still scarred from that then she should be seeing a therapist, not dating. So I'm a wee tad skeptical and feel that might just be her excuse for essentially keeping you on the hook, but at arm's length.

    You're frustrated, because yeah you are in limbo, right where she wants you and is happy to keep you.

    Really, can you handle that? If you can't and you feel yourself getting upset, then I'm not even sure why you're hanging around hoping things will get better. She did it to you once, sounds like it's more of the same, and you already know you get upset so I'm not seeing why you'd sign up for the relationship where you both aren't on the same page, you're unhappy, you are not an equal and have no voice in the relationship beyond what she wants to do.

    And you cannot help her get over a sexual assault. No one can, but a professional, so stop with the white knighting. People are not projects like a car or a house you can fix up and think you'll solve their issues. I know that one from personal experience.

    But seriously, this sounds like a terrible idea where you get hurt all the time and she gets to wander off then come back whenever she feels like it. Those don't make good relationships. You could just tell her, "Look, we want different things and this relationship, such as it is, isn't going to work for me. Goodbye, please don't contact me again." Then you block and delete her and move on, because the right woman won't blow hot and cold on you.

    Blowing hot and cold is not a normal thing for people to do, I cannot stress that enough. Especially this new in the whole relationship. This is her best behavior right now, trust me it's going to get worse. She's not skittish, she's not a horse, she is acting that way, because she knows it makes you wait in the wings while not speaking up and having an equal say in things.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Imo you didn't screw up anything. She is just not that into you. If she was, you wouldn't have to walk on eggshells like that. Other than being attracted to her youth, I don't see anything in your description that would explain your willingness to let her walk all over you absolving all her dismissive behaviour. Maybe it's time to reflect more on what qualities make a good relationship partner and set better standards...


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