Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 6 of 42 FirstFirst ... 3456789 ... LastLast
Results 51 to 60 of 416

Thread: How come I can't magnify the good?

  1. #51
    Platinum Member Naomi99's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    1,089
    Originally Posted by East4
    +1

    The trip-guy is a total free-loader and lacks some basic manners. What he does it to heap blame on you, so that he feels guilt-free. Or else he is trying to manipulate you to feel guilty and take him back...so that he could keep on emptying your fridge and even worse, eat tacos in your bed. You are in your house, you set the rules. If the rule says no tacos in bed, then it is not tacos in bed. I would not allow other people, no matter who they are-friends, my son, my aunt, or a boyfriend to dirty my bed. And has the nerve to protest and blame you for not seeing the good in him? What good?

    The only problem I see is you Naomi have a good instincts, but you do not trust them. You make a decision, you act on it, and then you come back to revisit your decision and torture yourself. Why are you doing this to yourself, girl? Just do what you do, and quit question your course of action. Trust your instincts.
    I don't trust my instincts one bit. If I did, I wouldn't be feeling miserable with most of these relationship decisions I've made.

    I just called my old therapist and requested sessions.

  2. #52
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    12,265
    Can clean sheets hold you and tell you you're beautiful and wonderful? Can't they be WASHED??

    Can granola bars get rid of the rodent in your kitchen for you? Can they take you on a road trip?

    I will tell you, however, I cannot live with a slob. Absolutely cannot STAND it when someone leaves clothes on the floor.

    I used to date a guy who stayed over at my apartment every weekend, and after he showered he'd come strolling out of the bathroom, then he'd just drop his towel on the floor and leave it there. And he actually told me he expected me to WANT to clean up after him. After all, he told me, OTHER "girls" loved to clean up after him!!! He brought me his dirty laundry one time and, again, expected me to want to wash it for him. And he again said OTHER "girls" LOVED to do his laundry for him! He got really mad when I told him he was perfectly capable of operating the washer and dryer himself. He never brought his laundry over again. Jerk. And he DID do nice things for me but his arrogance turned me off so I left him anyway.

    It's all in what you are willing to tolerate and how you feel about the other person. And if the good outweighs the bad.

  3. #53
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    10,354
    Gender
    Female
    From the go I don't think you put very much thought or time into entering into a relationship with this guy.

    You so much as admit it.

    You didn't know him but wanted to be somewhat carefree and possibly reckless and go on a trip with a stranger.
    A lot of us advised you otherwise. Maybe not because you would end up in a body bag but maybe more so because nothing
    good comes out of rushing things. . .well the majority of the time

    I can save you some money on the therapy visits and challenge you to take your time your next time up to bat.
    Be disconcerting and get to know someone before you cross the line again.

    I can't help but wonder if you actually took your time and dated this guy for a couple months
    instead of agreeing to the fast track - insta relationship, you might have seen some clues or red flags
    that might have caused you to bail or at least slow down to take in more information.

    Guys like him a dime a dozen. They are very charming and sweep you off your feet.
    They are so busy bamboozling you with trips and canoes in the moonlight they
    hope you'll miss the things that make him a not-so-very-good choice in a partner.

    I also think you are being awfully hard on yourself.

  4. #54
    Platinum Member Ms Darcy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    United States
    Age
    38
    Posts
    31,720
    Gender
    Female
    [QUOTE=Naomi99;6758307]I don't trust my instincts one bit. If I did, I wouldn't be feeling miserable with most of these relationship decisions I've made.

    I just called my old therapist and requested sessions.

    It's not a bad idea Naomi. Perhaps you can clarify with the therapist what your concerns are.

    I personally think (given the past relationships you've posted about) a significant part of your challenges trace to the fact only a certain kind of guy really even floats your boat. And those guys push around baskets of red flags.

    So if you only like toads, what do you do? Maybe look inward a bit more so you can open yourself up to slightly better ... frogs.

  5.  

  6. #55
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    12,265
    Ms. Darcy, that is exactly why I took time off from dating.

    I kept being attracted to the same type...backward baseball cap, dressed younger than they should have, used drugs, didn't really have a job, lots of ex drama, hard to pin down...I would just go nuts for these guys.

    Unfortunately, the only decent guy I ever dated was my ex husband...and I was wrong for him (and him for me) in so many ways.

    So I really want to want a decent guy like my ex husband who I am also attracted to physically. And changing who you're attracted to takes work and time.

  7. #56
    Platinum Member Naomi99's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    1,089
    Everyone contributing to this post is so thoughtful and helpful. Thank you all. We don't even know each other but you've taken the time to read my long-winded posts and share your experiences and thoughts. Been so depressed lately..your comments and posts are the highlight of my day.

    Bolt…taking a break from dating isn't going to solve anything. It's my habit to do that with each failed relationship anyway, but look where it's gotten me. Trip-guy is the first serious guy since the doctor, and he was 1.5 years ago! I'm still in the same boat posting away on ENA!

    2017 goals: Therapy, learning to trust my instincts, and gratitude countdown before sleepy time.

  8. #57
    Platinum Member Naomi99's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    1,089
    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    From the go I don't think you put very much thought or time into entering into a relationship with this guy.

    You so much as admit it.

    You didn't know him but wanted to be somewhat carefree and possibly reckless and go on a trip with a stranger.
    A lot of us advised you otherwise. Maybe not because you would end up in a body bag but maybe more so because nothing
    good comes out of rushing things. . .well the majority of the time

    I can save you some money on the therapy visits and challenge you to take your time your next time up to bat.
    Be disconcerting and get to know someone before you cross the line again.

    I can't help but wonder if you actually took your time and dated this guy for a couple months
    instead of agreeing to the fast track - insta relationship, you might have seen some clues or red flags
    that might have caused you to bail or at least slow down to take in more information.

    Guys like him a dime a dozen. They are very charming and sweep you off your feet.
    They are so busy bamboozling you with trips and canoes in the moonlight they
    hope you'll miss the things that make him a not-so-very-good choice in a partner.

    I also think you are being awfully hard on yourself.
    Love this.

    If I dated trip-guy at a slow pace, I would have learned he stole fruit and granola bars at six months out instead of three months in.

    I still think that trip was one of the most beautiful and surreal trips of my life. And no, there were no drugs involved.

  9. #58
    Platinum Member notalady's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    3,912

    How come I can't magnify the good?

    I think it's very simple. One word. Incompatibility.

    I had two ex's (one when I was late teens early twenties and one from a couple of years ago) had thought I was too uptight / fussy about things. The ex from when I was younger, would throw banana / orange skin outside the bus window, I asked him why he did that, pointed out he's littering, he said it was fruit skin, biodegradable (*bang head on wall*). There were many things like that, his general lack of manners and carelessness that annoyed me very much. I was too young to realise, we were just not compatible. We broke up of course. My more recent ex was only for 6 months, similarly, there were a lot of small things about him that annoyed me a lot too. Or just...didn't sit right with me.

    When many small things doesn't sit right with me, that's when I know we're not compatible.

    Both ex's liked to tell me to relax. Um, no thanks, I don't need to relax. To them, the small stuff don't matter. To me, it matters, but of course only to the extent that it's telling me if we have similar values and whether I can live with someone's habits and behaviour (deep-seated, likely unchangeable) for the rest of my life.

    And with yet another ex, it was the complete opposite, every little thing I do seemed to annoy him. He was constantly pointing them out, I was always apologising for something. Well...basically for being myself.

    Instead of trying to figure out what's wrong with me (hint: nothing), I just go on to find someone more compatible.

    None of this happens with my current boyfriend. I mean sure, after 1.5 years together, on a more cranky day, something he normally does might suddenly seem annoying / I lose patience. But generally, nothing. And he feel the same way about me.

    Without knowing you personally, I tend to lean towards the simple answer of... go find someone you're actually compatible with.

    The bending over backwards and unable to effectively communicate issue, that's seperate to this.

  10. #59
    Gold Member East4's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    Europe
    Posts
    775
    Gender
    Female
    [QUOTE=Naomi99;6758307]I don't trust my instincts one bit. If I did, I wouldn't be feeling miserable with most of these relationship decisions I've made.

    I just called my old therapist and requested sessions.

    Take heart, Naomi. The right decisions are almost always the most difficult to take and the most painful to implement. The pain is associated to the loss-the loss of routine, physical comfort, the loss of dreams for the future. The pain is not associated with the correctness of the decision to break up in the face of numerous facts that you haven't been treated respectfully. The easy way to discern the source of the pain is to ask yourself the question - can I live with how he's been treating me for the next 5 years? If the answer is NO; then you know you took the right decision, déspite of the hurt. Again the pain is due to loss of something familiar. Many women who break up with abusers experience pain, regardless of how horrible the relationship was. These women too, confuse the source of the pain and often go back to the abuser, because they think if the decision to break up was right, then it should not hurt. Wrong.

    When you learn to trust your instincts, implement decisions that you feel are true for you and move on with confidence, despite of the residual pain, you will find empowerment, self-respect and peace of mind.

    The trip guy has been to third-world countries. He should have learned there, that it is NOT OK to take away somebody's food without asking permission. Food is personal and scarce resource. And if you take somebody else's food without their knowledge, then this person won't have food when they need it. Is this how he has been treating people in the third-world countries? Eating food that was not his?
    You are not living in a third-world country but the effect is the same in this particular case-you are in a hurry for work in the morning and when you reach for a grnola bar, you find out that mister Big Heart has taken the last one without telling you. Result=Naomi stays hungry.
    He might be a double PhD in the intellectual domain, but as long as emotional intelligence goes-he is illiterate.

  11. #60
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    12,131
    Personally Naomi, I think your issue isn't saying no or being rough with ill-mannered people. I think it's that you let them get such a toehold so fast in your life in the first place, and then you don't speak up right away and establish boundaries.

    Tacos in bed? I don't care if he ticks every box in my little lexicon of perfection, that man and no one, no not even my kids, get to eat a sloppy, delicious, crunchy crumb and grease generating meal in my.bed. My dogs have better manners than this guy, seriously. And I mean that. They ask me if they can get up on the bed with me. A paw, a gentle whine, a please. Eat in my bed? None of them would ever do that. They don't eat in their own beds.

    So why the flip does a human think he has a pass on basic manners that even a rescued dog has???

    I already told you this guy was acting like a mooch, and now consider this Exhibit B. When they're a grown-a## man or woman they know about manners, don't care how rough their childhood was, unless you've been raised literally by wolves you know about such things. And if you choose not to have them then you don't get to be in my life, period.

    And yes, I have had to end things with people who could not be mindful or respectful or have manners. What you're describing is not a "Honey, if you take the last drop of milk, please don't put the carton back in the fridge." We're talking "I don't care how much I crap up the place you sleep in and I feel completely entitled to come over to your place and massively raid your fridge, so I don't have to spend my own money for food."

    In no one's universe that I know would that be okay or "oh let's give him a pass on that, because he kisses real good." Screw that.

    You did good dumping the boy. And that's where I think your problem lies. You are a bit of a people pleaser and you seem to feel bad about standing up for yourself and having standards. This guy rush insta-relationshiped the crap out of you. You let him have full access to your house when you should have still been dating him outside the home, as in going on real dates, and getting to observe if he's thoughtful and kind to others or if he complains or thinks it's funny that he steals his coworkers' lunch and they get mad. (Something I would bet hard money on that this one does.) And then deciding months down the road, "Okay, he's been able to behave himself in public, he isn't a jerk to people around him, maybe now it's time to see how he does in my home."

    It's great you're going back to therapy, but please Naomi tell your therapist, "I don't enforce boundaries, I rush things, then when I do assert myself I feel bad about it and/or go into overkill a bit." Although frankly I think the guy needed to be told off.

    Tacos in bed? Jeez, what's next, is he just going to start peeing in the corner 'cause he's too lazy to get up and go to the bathroom.

    Again, this is not something even my dogs do. If an animal has better manners than a human, you know there's a problem. And Naomi, it's not you.

    Start learning to stand up for yourself more, not less. Don't let people have such free access to your house and your goodies. And understand it is your house, your rules. If moochers and those without manners don't want to be a part of it, because you enforce boundaries that is actually a good thing. And yes, you will have to pass up a lot of people. I'm sorry to tell you that, I had friends joke about Paris needing to install a turnstile in her front door when I was dating, because I said no to a lot of people.

    But the fact is I was asserting my boundaries, my standards, I insisted on manners, and I finally found the guy who has them. He would be equally grossed out at the idea of tacos in bed. Or anything. I mean, (throws up hands) you sleep in those sheets. Why have food in there to attract bugs????

    Full disclosure, when my youngest son turned 13 he decided he didn't have to follow Mom's antiquated rules. So he started sneaking food into his room and hiding the wrappers and plates under the bed. He'd clean everything else, so it always looked good. The went on for about three weeks, before he came to me with a line of bites along his back. I freaked out, went into his room, found a total mess under the bed and (please don't scream) ants, roaches and a bevvy of spiders who'd taken up residence under there, because they learned they could snack on the bugs that began going into my son's room to eat the leftover food that was under the bed. Yeah, he had a whole little ecosystem down there in less than a month, maybe three weeks.

    And that dear people is why it's a really good idea not to have food in places where you can't control the mess and you don't want bugs showing up in the place where you sleep. Seriously, if this guy has really been to third-world countries I find that hard to believe, because most of them are really huge on manners. More so than the United States. They also know being a slob leads to things like ants and other critters you don't want in your living and sleeping areas.

    My two cents, go take some assertiveness classes. Ask your therapist to role play or give you assignments to complete on gently asserting boundaries and slowing it down with these guys and getting rid of the people pleasing instincts that make you overgive and then resent doing so. It will help you tremendously. But in your house, yes you are well within your rights to insist others show manners. Or they don't get invited back and you move on to find people who can actually show some restraint and manners.

    P.S. I take back the comment about wolves, they have more manners than many humans and assert boundaries better too. So nah, this guy's problem is he was raised by a mom who said, "Whatever you want sweetie," and no one ever told him his manners suck. But they do. He'd have been better off raised by wolves, come to think of it.

Page 6 of 42 FirstFirst ... 3456789 ... LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •