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Thread: How come I can't magnify the good?

  1. #411
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    Originally Posted by Prajna
    Another poster mentioned fight or flight to create distance, I think it was tiredofvampires. So Ms. Darcy, what you said about her choosing men wholly unsuited to her so she can be utterly mad at them makes sense. She needs to fight with them to create distance, because like you said she is emotionally unavailable and needs that distance to feel emotionally safe. Therapy would be good.
    BTW, Naomi, you said in another thread that you were still close with your ex-husband and that you talked about your dating life with him - is that still true? What exactly did your marriage break up over? And do you think that makes you emotionally available, if you are using your ex as a sounding board? I don't think you mentioned him here, but you did mention him in the thread about the original doctor.

  2. #412
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Prajna
    Another poster mentioned fight or flight to create distance, I think it was tiredofvampires. So Ms. Darcy, what you said about her choosing men wholly unsuited to her so she can be utterly mad at them makes sense. She needs to fight with them to create distance, because like you said she is emotionally unavailable and needs that distance to feel emotionally safe. Therapy would be good.
    This makes sense... picking people you know (mostly on a unconscious level) that are not the right ones so that in the end a long, intimate relationship where both are vulnerable to each other, is never possible... because you're scared of being vulnerable and hurt again. It's easier when the failure of a relationship is a self fulfilling profecy than when it happens beyond our control and when we've given so much. Naomi went through this "ending after giving so much and being so vulnerable" with that guy she dated many years a long time ago. This might be all a defence mechanism.

  3. #413
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    BTW, Naomi, you said in another thread that you were still close with your ex-husband and that you talked about your dating life with him - is that still true? What exactly did your marriage break up over? And do you think that makes you emotionally available, if you are using your ex as a sounding board? I don't think you mentioned him here, but you did mention him in the thread about the original doctor.
    There's a thread about it and I think she mentioned somewhere else that they were together for a long time since they were very young and then he broke up with her. I think he even left her in a limbo for a while. I could be wrong though.

  4. #414
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Our posts are rich with humanity and understanding of the layers of motivation. I agree with most of what has been written. The idea that we choose someone who, on an unconscious level, feels "not good enough" is consistent with other aspects of Naomi's behavior, and taken together her behavior fits the pattern of someone who is avoiding intimacy.

    I have chosen to stop posting (she says as she posts) because I want Naomi to reflect, to dig internally into the places that are hard to go, and to force herself to face some difficult truths. To look at the territory that is within and decide how she wants to unpack it, how deep she is willing to go, how bold she wants to be in changing her behavior patterns -- whether she wants to get to the root of it, or address it at some other level, or not at all.

    Difficult truths are difficult only until we face them -- the same truths are easy once we face them. If we face them ourselves, and find our way over that hurdle, they become gifts.


    I wonder if we are, in effect, leading the witness. Becoming a part of the codependent pattern, in the sense that Naomi can focus her energies on us, what we say, how we think, rather than ask herself those same questions.

    For that reason, I wonder if it isn't best that we not post at all. Not until we hear some revelations from our efriend who is the original poster to this thread. She is the person who has to invest more than any of us in deciding how she wants to understand her past and how she wants to move forward.

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  6. #415
    Platinum Member RainyCoast's Avatar
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    i too think this thread needs a pause.

    when N has reflected and wants to talk, she will.

    not sure this is a time to offer interpretations. better to look at it together.

    take care N.

  7. #416
    Administrator kamurj's Avatar
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    The thread has run its course. Closed.

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