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How come I can't magnify the good?


Naomi99

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I've noticed a pattern in myself as I get older; that I tend to inflate and ruminate over the small things and overlook the good, specifically when it comes to my partner.

 

As an example, I would get really irritated when my ex when would brush his teeth and walk around the house while his mouth was foaming, and he'd carry on a full-blown conversation with me with his toothbrush hanging out of his mouth. I would say, "Can we talk after you finish brushing your teeth?" but it persisted and got to the point I would hide when I knew he was brushing his teeth. This went on for eight years!!

 

Or even my last short-lived relationship, the guy who was eating off my plate and taking my power bars. It annoyed me to the point I yelled, then started hiding my food.

 

Small things like these push me to the point where I'm so distraught, it affects my work and everything else. And these "issues," on a grand scale of things, aren't really significant enough to make/break a relationship but I inflate it as a tipping point for me! Why? The internal grumblings begin where I think this person makes my life worse than better, then it just snowballs from there.

 

Both of these men are not bad men; in fact, they're everything a girl would want. Always checking in, affectionate, washes dishes and doesn't make messes. Loyal and honest. No gamblers and bonds really well with their women, no intimacy fears.

 

But all the good aspects are forgotten and my focus becomes directly on things that are small and dumb. I'm like a horse wearing blinders and all I can focus on a tiny little flaw, yet surrounding me is greatness or potential for greatness if I just took off the blinders.

 

It makes me wonder how I would handle a bigger problem, like infidelity. I think that would kill me. Sometimes I feel foolish reading the problems posted on this forum, people with cancer or someone who got herpes or pregnant, then I inspect my issues and they're so childish.

 

How to stop sabotaging my relationships with the small stuff?

I'm going to wake up one day and realize I'm all alone because I couldn't handle someone dipping his finger in my cake.

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Naomi...I think you crave both companionship AND complete independence.

 

The trick is finding a balance between wanting a relationship and wanting things done YOUR way. Because if you want a love relationship you can't always have your own way.

 

I do find it interesting, however, that you were willing to be super accommodating to the doctor and seemed to be willing to bend yourself and set aside your own needs to please him. Why was that? And are you afraid of giving up that much control again?

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This concept has been around for all time. "Familiarity breeds contempt is a proverb. People do not respect someone they know well enough to know his or her faults. The more acquainted one becomes with a person, the more one knows about his or her shortcomings and, hence, the easier it is to dislike that person".

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They say people get more grumpy as they get older. They have less tolerance. Do you think your just aged before your time?

 

There is actually a lot of truth in this. Honestly, as I look at the folks who I know who are single over a broad range of ages, it's the older folks who are a bit grumpier, less flexible, more set in their ways.

 

Almost TOO independent and not really able to compromise.

 

Of course, that's not true across the board, but that might have something to do with it.

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Naomi, I didn't read your thread about the doctor, but heard a lot about it (and your RL).... do you think because you compromised so much of yourself in that RL, that you may have some (hidden) fears about that happening again and about commitment in general?

 

I have felt this way (in fact I am feeling it NOW), and found this book particularly helpful.

 

 

 

In fact, I am currently reading it again, for like the zillionth time.

 

Ever since my six year RL ended in late 2015, I feel like I might subconsciously sabotage relationships or push men away (or run away myself).

 

Something to consider and explore (within yourself) anyway.

 

You can order the book on Amazon. Good read!

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I've learned with me it has a lot to do with "not having control". I like to have control over things whether it's me driving or to a lesser degree what my partner does or doesn't do. I don't act on these thoughts and know how to manage myself, but I've spent some time analyzing why something might bother me. Have you had a traumatic experience in your past where you lost control?

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Great movie!!! Wiseman. Don't sweat the small stuff my ex. She used to scratch my lower calf and feet with her toe nail. It made me crazy. Cause I couldn't sleep. I also noticed my athlete's foot problem has finally went away since our breakup. I never had the problem before her. Hmm guess it's a perk. Win for me

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Naomi...I think you crave both companionship AND complete independence.

 

The trick is finding a balance between wanting a relationship and wanting things done YOUR way. Because if you want a love relationship you can't always have your own way.

 

I do find it interesting, however, that you were willing to be super accommodating to the doctor and seemed to be willing to bend yourself and set aside your own needs to please him. Why was that? And are you afraid of giving up that much control again?

 

Perfect response.

I will just add that I am capable of doing the same.

I think accumulative losses has made me appreciate what I have and I recognize that there will always

be `something'.

I will take annoying tooth brushing any day over some one who doesn't have integrity, lies and cheats.

I've just learned to pick my battles.

 

My job also teaches me things that I apply to my personal life.

 

I work in operations. . aka `the complaint dept'

For the most part I don't deal with the staff unless they are upset about something.

In a workshop, my takeaway was that I do get positive feedback, thank you's and pleasant responses all day, but ONE THING I will dwell on enough so it will ruin my day is the one negative. I can overlook the 30 positive experiences and make myself sick over the one.

So. . basically, it comes down to choice. It's not a magic spell, but more one of discipline and choice.

 

Also. . I can walk around work with a chip on my shoulder thinking everyone was put here just to annoy me.

But if I make the conscious effort to be engaging and kind, I get it back ten fold.

I can choose turn things around and make life easier for myself.

 

I can't wait for others to do it or I will die waiting.

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I do find it interesting, however, that you were willing to be super accommodating to the doctor and seemed to be willing to bend yourself and set aside your own needs to please him. Why was that? And are you afraid of giving up that much control again?

 

Two reasons:

 

1. The doctor kept himself at an arm's distance from me, so I wasn't really familiar with him, I didn't hold him in contempt; thus the saying familiarity breeds contempt - Wiseman2. Also I think I was fighting to win him over.

 

2. I will never give anyone, man or woman, as much as I gave the doctor unless it's given to me first. I learned my lesson.

 

 

I dated the doctor for a year and we never had one argument and he treated me so coldly.

 

I dated tripguy for three months and we had three arguments and he treated me pretty well in the areas that mattered.

 

 

I'm doomed…… Ugh. Think I'll go shopping to ease my pain with short-lived dissipating happiness.

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There's a psychological theory that suggests that the very thing you do not like about someone is a weakness that you have within yourself.

I'd try to explain it more but I probably couldn't articulate it in writing right now.

I get the theory and when I catch myself bugged about someone, I look in the mirror to see if I can catch it.

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There's a psychological theory that suggests that the very thing you do not like about someone is a weakness that you have within yourself.

I'd try to explain it more but I probably couldn't articulate it in writing right now.

I get the theory and when I catch myself bugged about someone, I look in the mirror to see if I can catch it.

 

But this only happens with romantic partners. Not family or friends.

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So the trick for you is to keep you at arm's length and never get too familiar?

 

I mean, that could work but it definitely negates the possibility of living together or marriage. Or even staying over frequently.

 

I haven't dated in a zillion years, but I HAVE concluded that when I meet someone it has to be a man who is OK with only seeing each other maybe once a week and maybe only one overnight a week. Because if he stays at my place I will need to spend the entire next day getting my place back to the way I want it. Heck, even when my beloved children, who are my heart and soul, visit me I spend the entire day cleaning and straightening and putting things away after they leave and they were raised by me so they don't even make much mess!

 

How much companionship do you want/need/crave?

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So the trick for you is to keep you at arm's length and never get too familiar?

 

I mean, that could work but it definitely negates the possibility of living together or marriage. Or even staying over frequently.

 

I haven't dated in a zillion years, but I HAVE concluded that when I meet someone it has to be a man who is OK with only seeing each other maybe once a week and maybe only one overnight a week. Because if he stays at my place I will need to spend the entire next day getting my place back to the way I want it. Heck, even when my beloved children, who are my heart and soul, visit me I spend the entire day cleaning and straightening and putting things away after they leave and they were raised by me so they don't even make much mess!

 

How much companionship do you want/need/crave?

 

Oh, also the doctor was way older too. Like nearly 17 or 20 years older than I. I forgot. I just couldn't argue with him. Tripguy is only a few years older so I could argue without feeling bad.

 

Um, how much companionship do I want? Well, with the right person, every day!

 

But I agree with you. Like you, very particular about how I want my things too. For instance I'm okay eating ice cream in my bed because that's just a spoon and a little bowl. But Tripguy wanted to eat tacos (no get your mind out of the gutter) in bed and watch TV one rainy day. When I said no, he said well, you let us eat ice cream in here. I said, "TACOS ARE A BIG MESS, YOU DUMMY! You eat them with your hands and things are falling all over the place, and you're not the one who has to do laundry. NO."

 

I just don't get why he had to challenge me all the time.

 

When things like that happen, I'd rather be alone.

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There is never going to be someone who wants things exactly the way you want them.

 

So, the question is...are you willing to give up some control to have companionship and perhaps even love? Or are you willing to sacrifice love and companionship to maintain complete and total control? Because I guarantee, you will NOT respect a man who allows you to run the show.

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For instance I'm okay eating ice cream in my bed because that's just a spoon and a little bowl. But Tripguy wanted to eat tacos (no get your mind out of the gutter) in bed and watch TV one rainy day. When I said no, he said well, you let us eat ice cream in here. I said, "TACOS ARE A BIG MESS, YOU DUMMY! You eat them with your hands and things are falling all over the place, and you're not the one who has to do laundry. NO."

 

 

This sounds like something a mother would say, not a girlfriend.

 

That isn't the only instance either. I recall your using that same type of phrasing when he asked your permission to sleep at his ex's one night when he was traveling. And on other occasions.

 

Weird dynamic there Naomi.

 

Not sure how this relates to the issue you're having but it might be worth your while to pick up the book I referenced earlier.

 

It addresses what boltnrun referenced too about simultaneously wanting/not wanting/fearing a committed RL.

 

You sound somewhat conflicted.

 

Not judging I am a bit conflicted myself.

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