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Thread: How come I can't magnify the good?

  1. #21
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    There is never going to be someone who wants things exactly the way you want them.

    So, the question is...are you willing to give up some control to have companionship and perhaps even love? Or are you willing to sacrifice love and companionship to maintain complete and total control? Because I guarantee, you will NOT respect a man who allows you to run the show.

  2. #22
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    It was either a story or a twilight zone. There was a Dr looking for perfection in a woman. She had a mole it was her only flaw that he saw. Guess he was only concerned about the physical. I think when he removed it she died.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by Naomi99

    For instance I'm okay eating ice cream in my bed because that's just a spoon and a little bowl. But Tripguy wanted to eat tacos (no get your mind out of the gutter) in bed and watch TV one rainy day. When I said no, he said well, you let us eat ice cream in here. I said, "TACOS ARE A BIG MESS, YOU DUMMY! You eat them with your hands and things are falling all over the place, and you're not the one who has to do laundry. NO."

    This sounds like something a mother would say, not a girlfriend.

    That isn't the only instance either. I recall your using that same type of phrasing when he asked your permission to sleep at his ex's one night when he was traveling. And on other occasions.

    Weird dynamic there Naomi.

    Not sure how this relates to the issue you're having but it might be worth your while to pick up the book I referenced earlier.

    It addresses what boltnrun referenced too about simultaneously wanting/not wanting/fearing a committed RL.

    You sound somewhat conflicted.

    Not judging I am a bit conflicted myself.

  4. #24
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    You have to decide if things are important or people are important .

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member journeynow's Avatar
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    Maybe you do magnify the good, which is why Mr. Adventure Guy lasted as long as he did? Sometimes people just aren't compatible. And sometimes the are, but I don't think anyone is 100% compatible 24/7/365.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Naomi99's Avatar
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    It's not things vs. people. I already know I want people in my life.

    It's how to quit focusing on the negative and be grateful for the positive.

    In the example of the tacos in bed, why did I let that bother me so much instead of focusing on here's a guy who loves spending time with me, we both have nothing to do on a weekday when everyone else is at work, he'll clean up the dishes anyway, and he's f-ing hot and is crazy about me. Instead I focus on how he irritated me by asking to eat tacos in my bed.

    Like I can't see the big picture, or something along those lines.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by Naomi99
    It's not things vs. people. I already know I want people in my life.

    It's how to quit focusing on the negative and be grateful for the positive.

    In the example of the tacos in bed, why did I let that bother me so much instead of focusing on here's a guy who loves spending time with me, we both have nothing to do on a weekday when everyone else is at work, he'll clean up the dishes anyway, and he's f-ing hot and is crazy about me. Instead I focus on how he irritated me by asking to eat tacos in my bed.

    Like I can't see the big picture, or something along those lines.
    One word -- FEAR.

    Typical "flight or fight" response.

    You choose fight instead of flight as a way to create DISTANCE.

    I typically choose flight to create that distance.

    Both reflect the same thing. FEAR.

  9. #28
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    But when THEY keep YOU at a distance (i.e., the doctor), you swoon. And are all accommodating, trying to please them (at your own detriment oftentimes, it seems).

    Do you want what you can't have? Does what you have to struggle to get have more value to you than what comes "easy"?

  10. #29
    Platinum Member Dahl's Avatar
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    Hello, Naomi. For what it's worth, I started counting things I appreciate some time back as a substitute for sheep. Not teasing.

    It didn't work against insomnia, but I realized with belated astonishment that it had a profound effect on my perspective on the world, at large.

    I realize that it sounds awfully simplistic, but I kind of suspect that is why it had the effect on me that it did. I didn't dig any deeper than rattling off the single-sentence notations to myself, and after hitting triple digits in the wee hours when I was using it as a random listing device (and come to think of it, I really wound up scrabbling for every, little bitty infinitesimally teensy gratitude I could possibly find to even get to double digits: 'um, let's see - I liked the.. Er, smell of the air.. Unexpectedly crisp for a summer evening.. On my walk earlier. And, hmn.. I also didn't trod in anything icky on same walk, which was just super..') I was sort of stuck noticing the most basic things, but I still do it and it still makes me feel better.

    Hope this helps, even remotely. Good luck.

  11. #30
    Silver Member Pretzel's Avatar
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    I don't know, I think you're being a little hard on yourself. It's perfectly fine to have standards or a checklist, as long as they aren't crazy high and unrealistic. I don't know about the dr guy, but I did follow your ups and downs with the trip-guy, and i think that you didn't sound unreasonable at all and that definitely sounded like a clash in basic values that only MANIFESTED itself in the small stuff. So actually, it wasn't just small stuff, wasn't a granola bar here and there or a dipping finger in your cake once in a while (the image of being alone because of fear of a dipping finger did make me laugh though - sounds like something i would say!)

    There are some things you can live with, and compromise on, and some things you can't. It's a good time to do some self-reflection and figure out what those things may be. One thing I am learning to do in my relationship right now is to pick my battles. I'm letting certain things go based on a gut feeling that i can adjust and it will be alright.
    But, there are something that need to be said. In a nice, tactful way. And then the monitoring for actual change follows.

    Don't worry Naomi, the best is yet to come I believe

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