I let mental illness destroy my relationship

Over the past about 2 months, I have been verbally abusive to my girlfriend on random uncalled for occasions. Maybe once a week or less. The second last time it happened i went completely overboard- threatening suicide and saying a whole bunch of insane . I woke up the next morning reflecting on my thoughts and realized, that wasnt me, I have some sort of mental illness, and I need to seek help. I explained this to her the best that i could. She mostly thought of it as an excuse

Problem was, we were in thailand on a busy schedule for our last few days and had no time to visit the hospital.

So when we got home a few days later, I outburst again, being a verbally abusive maniac. I scared the out of her. I dont blame her being scared and angry with me. She has since packed her things and left. We were together for 2 years. I love her and she is (was) my best friend and soul mate.

Ive been seeking help as fast as I can, but the medical system only goes so fast. I have seen a clinic doctor and been prescribed zoloft, and filled out a mental evaluation form. Will be checking back next week. Im seeing a psychiatrist nurse tomorrow and a psychiatrist for an hour next Monday. I also have some counselling services coming but they arent available for 3 weeks.

She will barely even talk to me now.. wouldnt talk when she came to grab more stuff. Barely responds online... is there any way to fix this? I feel like its such bad luck to have a mental illness arrise from seemingly nowhere and completely destroy my life and relationship.

Do I deserve this? Or can I somehow make her have empathy for the fact that I was mentally ill? I have tried explaining myself to her clearly but she is probably still truamatized from me being a screaming , which I dont blame her.

What can I do to win her back... I am not a mean person and I cant believe I acted that way. I am totally ashamed and depressed.

How do I fix this??

Leave her alone.

You are doing the right thing in seeking help. You need to get healthy again before you consider a relationship, otherwise you will likely have a repeat episode.

As someone who was verbally abused by a former partner, I can't begin to describe the damage it causes. You took the appropriate step by apologizing and telling her you were looking for help. But she is now rightfully protecting herself. In her eyes, you are not stable and she doesn't feel safe (emotionally, and possibly physically) around you anymore. That security we generally all need in an intimate relationship is gone, and honestly, it sometimes doesn't matter if mental illness is the cause. It doesn't change what happened and if you are truly suffering from a mental health crisis, she also knows it's not going to be a fast recovery. She knows where to find you if she wants to talk, but for now, please let her be.

Okay... That makes sense. I should give her space. Its very difficult, I feel like I have no other friends and no one else to connect to. Maybe I am just being selfish.. but I was really hoping to find forgiveness

Forgiveness doesn't mean you go back for more of the same. She may well forgive you, but I doubt she'd be coming back for more abuse. Don't just give her space, you need to leave her behind and walk your own path for a while.

Right now, through no fault of your own, you wouldn't be an OK partner. Even if you do achieve a degree of recovery, it's important that you expand your horizons and don't rely purely on your partner for support - to do so makes any relationship unhealthy, even if there's no mental illness involved.

Good luck with all this!