Please help - my boyfriend of 4.5 years just left me

My boyfriend and I have enjoyed a wonderful relationship for the last 4.5 years. We have lived together for 2.5 years and travelled the world each year together. We always have supported each other in what we do, and we have a great time together.

He has always valued his work and works really hard at his job. Lately, he was working on a new project and I know this was stressful for him and required him to be at the office late and working weekends. He seemed more irritable over the Christmas/New Year break but I thought he was stressed about work and stressed from a few issues he has to deal with his family.

Let me just add that my family adore him, his family adore me. We go away on each other's family holidays and there are no issues there.

He took me away for my birthday in January (he was tired throughout the weekend but nothing out of the ordinary). Three days later he was at home when I came home from work, said he thinks that we should break up, he loves and cares for me but doesnt think he is in love with me anymore. He was very upset, and couldn't really look at me but said he was doing the best thing for us long term as he feels like he has changed, his feelings have changed but he has no catalyst for this. He then walked out the door.

I sent him a text the next morning saying I would fight for the relationship but i got a response about 12 hours later saying he thought deeply about this and its the right thing to do. The text was very cold and distant. He then texted me later on saying he needed to go interstate for work and wondered whether i was still at the apartment. I didn't respond as i was at my best friends place.

His Mum kept coming around to see me to check if I was going okay. She said he hadn't opened up to her at all and she didn't know what was happening. We thought it was work-related stress, perhaps he had had a breakdown. Yet fast forward another 3 weeks and I have moved out of the apartment (he didn't seem to really care) and our contact is extremely limited... he only texted me asking what i wanted to do about the apartment, whether I had left my keys on the bench after I moved, and then asking if I paid a bill as he needed to sort the apartment out this week.

He has not given any reason to me for the breakup other than he thinks we have changed as people etc. I know he has friends at his work which are girls that he is close with, and I know there is one in particular that he hangs out with but he has always denied anything going on and I trust him as, I too have friends which are male at work and nothing ever happened.

I am trying to go no contact, but he keeps reaching out to discuss things like the apartment... so i can't avoid having to reply. I am keeping my replies short and succinct and not raising anything else.

My question is, how can someone go from a 4.5 year relationship with someone, to cold and distant within the space of a few hours, then cut off communication, and refuse to see me in person?!

I am so incredibly confused and wonder if anyone has ever had anything similar happen to them?!!! Please help me.

Can someone please reply? Thank you

Three days later he was at home when I came home from work, said he thinks that we should break up, he loves and cares for me but doesnt think he is in love with me anymore. He was very upset, and couldn't really look at me but said he was doing the best thing for us long term as he feels like he has changed, his feelings have changed but he has no catalyst for this. He then walked out the door.

i got a response about 12 hours later saying he thought deeply about this and its the right thing to do. The text was very cold and distant.

 

My question is, how can someone go from a 4.5 year relationship with someone, to cold and distant within the space of a few hours, then cut off communication, and refuse to see me in person?!

I am so incredibly confused and wonder if anyone has ever had anything similar happen to them?!!! Please help me.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It certainly is very odd, but at the same time, it seems he was checking out of the relationship for quite some time - hence his withdrawing, cold and distant behavior.

Usually, there is someone else involved. Hopefully this is not the case, but it definitely a possibility that he's found someone else.

Have you got supportive people you can go to?

Hi. Are you sure he was working late/weekends, etc? I'm not saying he was cheating (although that's possible); I can see three scenarios:

1. he may have not have wanted to spend much time with you. I know it's hard to hear, but my ex went out with his friends almost every day right before we broke up as well instead of coming home.

2. He's been cheating on you. I know he hasn't admitted it, but if you're so close to his family and vice-Versa, he may not want to be seen as the "bad guy" by everyone.

3. Your relationship has simply ran its course in his mind. Relationships are not democracies - if one person checks out, it's over.

My advice is: go no contact. Sort out bills, etc through email or, if that's too hard, have him email your mum or something and ask her to sort it out for you. That's what family is all about. You'll be okay. Believe it or not, it's happened to most people, and it usually works out for the best. Let him move on and you move on as well. Resist the urge to try to stay friends just so you can satisfy the initial curiosity. Good luck!

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP.

The reality is that his change of heart didn't happen in a few hours. There are signs he was pulling out. That irritable and distant behaviour you noticed likely wasn't all due to work stress. I went through a very similar break-up a few years ago, and my ex behaved quite like yours. I too attributed it to his stressful job, being over-tired and so on. He also had some work friends he'd started socializing with more, including one woman in particular - whom I'd even met on a couple occasions. I never thought anything of it, as he and I had been together for nearly 8 years and he was always trustworthy and respectful.

When he actually pulled the plug, our families and friends were shocked too. I figured it was a stress-related "breakdown" or a "quarter-life crisis" or some such thing. Sure, he was definitely stressed and had some health issues compounding everything. But the bottom line? The relationship had run its course. And he had developed feelings for this female friend - which had led to actual infidelity. I learned the full extent after we'd moved out, and I was floored. Never would I have imagined it from him. But people are just sometimes not who we thought they were. The distancing behaviour I'd noticed in him - and the increased irritability - was in large part due to him feeling both conflicted and guilty. He was trying to put on a false front for everyone else but couldn't hide from me that something was eating at him.

In a conversation we had after the split, I asked how long he'd actually been having doubts about us. I figured it was a couple of months, but he told me it had been at least a year. I was surprised, because I simply had no idea he'd been putting on a front that long.

I tell you all of this not to alarm you, or even to say that your ex was necessarily cheating, but to underline the point that this wasn't an overnight decision on his part. Unfortunately, we don't always see the signs clearly. Or we don't want to see them. Or they are darn good at covering them. I also share my story with you because now, 5 years later, I am much happier and I totally changed my life after that break-up. I took a couple huge leaps of faith that I didn't have the courage to do before, and chased some long-term dreams. My current partner is a wonderful man, and our relationship is much more satisfying than my previous ones. I have a grown a lot since then and gave myself ample time to heal. Do the same for yourself, now. Start thinking about what you want out of your life now, and pursue it. Having those big goals helped me so much when I was dealing with the fall-out of that split. You will need time, but you will be happy again someday!

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP.

 

The reality is that his change of heart didn't happen in a few hours. There are signs he was pulling out. That irritable and distant behaviour you noticed likely wasn't all due to work stress. I went through a very similar break-up a few years ago, and my ex behaved quite like yours. I too attributed it to his stressful job, being over-tired and so on. He also had some work friends he'd started socializing with more, including one woman in particular - whom I'd even met on a couple occasions. I never thought anything of it, as he and I had been together for nearly 8 years and he was always trustworthy and respectful.

 

When he actually pulled the plug, our families and friends were shocked too. I figured it was a stress-related "breakdown" or a "quarter-life crisis" or some such thing. Sure, he was definitely stressed and had some health issues compounding everything. But the bottom line? The relationship had run its course. And he had developed feelings for this female friend - which had led to actual infidelity. I learned the full extent after we'd moved out, and I was floored. Never would I have imagined it from him. But people are just sometimes not who we thought they were. The distancing behaviour I'd noticed in him - and the increased irritability - was in large part due to him feeling both conflicted and guilty. He was trying to put on a false front for everyone else but couldn't hide from me that something was eating at him.

 

In a conversation we had after the split, I asked how long he'd actually been having doubts about us. I figured it was a couple of months, but he told me it had been at least a year. I was surprised, because I simply had no idea he'd been putting on a front that long.

 

I tell you all of this not to alarm you, or even to say that your ex was necessarily cheating, but to underline the point that this wasn't an overnight decision on his part. Unfortunately, we don't always see the signs clearly. Or we don't want to see them. Or they are darn good at covering them. I also share my story with you because now, 5 years later, I am much happier and I totally changed my life after that break-up. I took a couple huge leaps of faith that I didn't have the courage to do before, and chased some long-term dreams. My current partner is a wonderful man, and our relationship is much more satisfying than my previous ones. I have a grown a lot since then and gave myself ample time to heal. Do the same for yourself, now. Start thinking about what you want out of your life now, and pursue it. Having those big goals helped me so much when I was dealing with the fall-out of that split. You will need time, but you will be happy again someday!

^^^. it was a breakup ver much like MissCanucks Which got me here, and that was second time for me (with a different partner). I tried exploring all the possibilities - I was like you - shocked. I'm not saying this to upset you, but what hurt me the most was realising that while I was struggling with serious depression from the breakups, both men were most certainly getting on with their lives.

I'm so sorry to hear about this OP. Right now I'm also dealing with a long term breakup. I know how horrible it is. My gf changed one day too, when she cheated on me. She told me straight away, and then broke up with me a month later. The horrible truth is sometimes people change into someone you hardly recognise. I wish you all the best and hope that you know it'll all be okay! Family are the best source of strength in times like this

Love and good thoughts coming your way. I am in a very similar situation *hugs*

hi. in my opinion you have to admit to yourself this relationship is over. whether he was cheating or not. ou will feel better if you think he was not, and you have no proof, so go along with that. but dont think there's a chance of reconcilliation.

deal with bills etc through a third party. go NC with him.

and move on with your life !

Thanks everyone. Sorry I didn't realise anyone had replied. It's been a tough few weeks. We have had limited contact. He has called a couple of times, and we have messaged a tiny bit.

It's so confusing. I keep trying to go no contact but we do have things to sort out so I've been doing that via email or message. He wants to have a chat this weekend but I don't think I'll call him.

I do suspect there is someone else involved. He will never admit that though so only time will tell and he will look like a fool in the end.

I am very worried as I have been with him since I was 24 and now I'm 30 next year and single it's very distressing as I am now worried about meeting someone else.

He keeps telling me he is upset and sad about things ending and wants time apart to process it but he is probably full of sh*t.

I will again attempt to go NC. See how that goes.

This whole thing is so awful- I've never experienced anything like it.

You too. It's the most horrible experience but hopefully it doesn't happen to us again

Miss Canuck - Sounds like we definitely have had a similar breakup. Did he try to reach out to you afterwards or was the communication cut from the beginning?

Did you ever keep in touch at all?

He still follows me on social media and his Facebook is still in a relationship (I deleted him so this removed my name from the status). He keeps watching my stories on Instagram too. I definitely think he had checked out of the relationship and thinks it fizzled due to how comfortable we were with each other. I recognise that now. We literally lived out of each other's pockets in a small apartment for the last 2.5 years. Anyways I do realise it's over and my best move is NC.

Did your ex ever come back regretting his decision?

My ex and I had the most wonderful relationship and he said it was the last few months that he has felt different. But he loves me and cares for me? Ugh! I feel like if I go NC he will come crawling back in a few months. Did this happen to you?

I will keep strong and continue to move forward and start making some personal goals to work towards.

🙁😢 I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this Caity! I agree with most of the posts but I just have to say I don't understand the big push for no contact. I get not wanting to get confused in the mix but honestly... You two loved/love each other, shared a place and a life, you were committed for years. You deserve a REAL conversation, if he wants time to process before that then okay but you should talk to him.

My two cents:

1. If he were "just cheating" he would likely be projecting the infidelity onto you and not just leaving (so if, as speculated, its someone else then its deep)

2. If he fell out of love with you and let that fester all this time (even if its something he perceived was you) that is still his fault, he should have admitted and worked on the issue before it got to this point.

3. Honesty is the best policy. Get the clarification you will need to move on (nothing more), get closure, find out what issues he might have been holding against you but was too weak to work w u on.

Good luck and keep us posted!!!

Thanks Ashley5886, it makes me feel so much better when I hear from people who are not my friends and just trying to make me feel good!

I think he feels like he fell out of love as the last time we saw each other he kept saying he can't explain it but he doesn't think he is in love with me but does love me and really cares about me. He was really frustrated and upset about it. That's why I thought that maybe if I stop contacting him and he doesn't see me that it could make him truly realise what life is like without me in it.

I asked to be removed from our lease but when it came to crunch time in signing it (via email) I freaked out and got upset and that's why he said to call him on the weekend for a chat. I know it sounds silly but it feels like that's our home, our connection and I'm cutting that out. It's a lot to deal with.

Do you think I should call him on the weekend? I don't know whether to just leave it and simply stop the contact and just sign the lease break form and email it back?

So first of all: "That's why I thought that maybe if I stop contacting him and he doesn't see me that it could make him truly realise what life is like without me in it" -- stop that, its a game and you are at high risk of losing. Be YOU period. If you feel chill about giving him a break then okay but it sounds more like you would be making the effort to stay away to elicit a specific response from him that we can't count on, esp since we don't know is going on!!

If you don't mind me asking, and sorry if you already said, but how old are you two?

Good point. I never thought about the NC like that. I am 28 and he is 27...

So we certainly aren't babies and I did think we were in a mature relationship..

The second part....I 100% say call him this weekend. Write out what you NEED to discuss. (Id personally say to him that you need to know how long he felt this way, what was the trigger and did he anticipate any future here). I wouldn't ask about cheating but more about what in yalls relationship pushed him so far out of it w/o trying to work it out to just leave.

I also suggest having a friend w u so she can regulate if you start getting to a point that he won't appreciate/would push you further.

Good point. I never thought about the NC like that. I am 28 and he is 27...

So we certainly aren't babies and I did think we were in a mature relationship..

If you signed the lease agreement then he stays and you go?

Okay sure - the only time I saw him post breakup (5 days later) I did ask those questions but he kept just saying he didn't know. Perhaps though given it had been a few weeks on maybe he can provide further insight. Good idea not to bring the cheating up in a phone call. I would personally rather have a chat in person but I don't know if he would be open to that. Should I ask him? Sorry I have never ever experienced anything like this so I honestly am at a loss as to what to do.

He is currently in the apartment - I am back with my parents/friends so he will continue to stay there. I moved all my stuff out nearly 2 weeks ago.

Not suggesting for you since I don't know y'all, but if I wasn't getting much feedback from him and needed to talk then I'd be right there at the apartment and maturely and sternly say I deserve a conversation. I mean why not? Until you were blind sided he was who was probably your best friend.

Also, it really is frustrating that he says "I don't know, I don't know". If you TRULY don't know then you wouldn't have broken up you would be trying figure out what he doesn't know along side. Don't let him get away that easy, you deserve more so you can properly get over it if yall don't work it out. I don't men gettin crazy with him but just requiring a legit answer/convo

Thank you I totally agree. I ended up calling him just before and we had a pretty friendly chat - bit heated at times but overall positive. He said that he thinks we were headed towards being friends. He admits to hanging out with this girl from his work after our breakup but said that she is part of a group of friends and whilst he is starting to develop early feelings for her he said that he is not relationship jumping or nor is he looking for anything. It was a strange conversation and we were surprisingly friendly. I told him that I was disgusted he could develop feelings for someone else within a month of ending the relationship and he back tracked and said it's not like that. He sounded confused so I just left it. We spoke a lot about our relationship and how the communication between us broke down in the last few months etc. He maintains he has done the right thing and we both agree that in time it'll be clearer so we ended the conversation saying we would chat soon. I'm not reaching out again though. I am hurt about the girl at work so I'm ready to move on. He wants to catch up in person soon so think I'll avoid that one for a while!

😒 feelings?! Great

Yep so insulting. He apparently has 'some feelings' towards her but it's 'early days' and he is nowhere ready to do anything. Yeah right!

You are not alone there- your situation sounds eerily similar to mine. I guess my situation is slightly different because my relationship has been here before. Myself and my ex had a difficult few months recently- some related to work stress and some difficult family circumstances. So I totally relate. Very quickly my ex decided we were really done this time. And like you, he has had little contact with me (well, now he isn't responding to me whatsoever) and any contact is only related to non-personal matters.

You don't owe him a response every time he asks about the apartment- ignore him. At the end of the day, if he isn't willing to be cooperative with you when YOU ask a question, you don't have to be cooperative with him. My ex does the same thing. It's a manipulation and a power struggle where he KNOWS he has the power. Just ignore him. I know that is virtually an impossible concept to accept because you are hurting but from my experience, pushing him for answers will push him away faster than a Jet.

This does sound much more complicated than my situation (I know my ex simply got fed up of the arguments and my 'moods') and it sounds like there may be a little more going on here than meets the eye. But who knows.

All I can say is, be prepared for anything. There are a million reasons why people walk out and it's not always what we expect or want to hear. But clearly if you have been seeking answers and he isn't providing them, then he isn't going to anytime soon, no matter how much you push.

Also, like yourself, I have a similar relationship with my exe's Mother, but be careful with that- that's still HIS Mother, and my ex got even angrier with me for talking too much to his Mum.

Give it about 2 or 3 weeks- maybe even a month. That is going to sound like hell right now but I think that NC is your best bet here. The last thing you want to do it make matters worse.

And if, after that, it still doesn't work, you really have to just say 'I'm better than this' and move on. I'm in the same boat right now and all I can do myself is leave him alone. Perhaps he just needs time to get his head around everything.

Good luck x