How often do you text your Friends?

Hello

Im in a pickle with a friend I've known for about two years. I generally don't have many friends, Ive wanted to build a small but strong circle of 4-5 friends. A few of my friendships have fizzled out because I have had a history of picking incompatible people ... I feel I'm repeating it with this girl.

I met Lisa at a business talk both of us budding entrepreneurs, there were lots of men and a handful of women so we gravitated towards each other and bonded a little and met up after that.

I supported her through a breakup after which she became clingy and would get angry if I don't reply to her text within the timeframe she wants. We generally text back and forth every 2-3 days.. and meet for dinner twice a month. Some of my closest buddies, I text/talk to every 2 weeks or so. were all quite busy but I make effort to go out to dinner with them at least monthly.

I generally don't take lack of messages from them as a sign that our friendship is over... I sometimes hibernate esp when I am going through a difficult patch and need to work through stuff on my own.

Last week she sent me a message. I was having a very emotional day , I was in tears and in a bad place. so I took the morning off and turned my phone off. I replied to her the next day. It wasn't urgent. it was a message saying "Are you alive?".. I had texted her the day before and we had a good conversation and there was no need for her rudeness.

her messages are usually very abrupt She sends things like.. " Are you going to write something?" "Are you there?".. "and this would be out of the blue. Or she sends me long winded texts about how she's unhappy and wants to travel and i generally encourage her.. but it feels like she is never satisfied.

When I've tried to lighten the conversation and put in a joke or a funny picture.. it returns to being heavy and me comforting her. I don't mind this.. but I do mind it being the only way we communicate.

The last straw was when i was at work at I got a text saying "you are difficult to reach" I asked If she had tried to call. as sometimes I might loose signal on the underground to which she replied "no. I won't bother to even call you when I don't get a reply to my texts". I then asked what the problem was and there was no answer. I told her I was tired of being made to feel like I was ignoring her and it wasn't true. I told her I reply when I can, sometimes I am busy. . and I can't reply at the moment. I never ignore her messages.. I just don't always reply immediately.. which to me isn't a crime... especially given the type of messages she sends me. Told her Im always open to talk/chat and If I can't I will re-arrange but I would not be made to feel like a bad friend or like Im ignoring her. Shes treating me like a boyfriend.. and that I am not!

She then accused me of over reacting. But this was the last straw for me.. Im tired of abrupt and accusatory texts.

We are at a stalemate. I want to send out a white flag.. but part of me has had enough.

How often do you text your friends?

she became clingy and would get angry if I don't reply to her text within the timeframe she wants.

I would have walked away the first time this happened.

I text some friends every day, some friends every few days, and some I only reach out to every few months, but no one in my life has permission to make these kind of demands.

Instead of waving a white flag, I'd strongly consider being done with this "friendship." She's an emotional parasite using you for free therapy.

AT&T says: 81 messages per month on average. I get the impression most people are closer to 2000. I don't understand most people.

I feel like your friendship with her is on its last legs, so I think you should have an in person conversation with her telling her she's become quite dependent on you. Don't phrase it as needy or clingy. Tell her some of her good qualities and then tell her that her dependency is overwhelming and frustrating.

I say this because who cares if you lose her? But it's a nice gesture to someone who may be self sabotaging her personal and intimate relationships and you could help her out. And she could learn and fix your friendship, too

It depends on the friendship and the nature of the friendship. If we have daily life in common then it might be fairly often (I only started texting anyone regularly in the last 6-8 months -before that I did not have unlimited texting and my contact with friends was email or phone calls) - if we don't, then it might be far less often. I have really close friends where our level of contact ebbs and flows but we are definitely close and that is obvious when we do finally get to catch up.

I don't text my friends as a way to check in or expect them to text right back unless we have a plan or there is a time sensitive reason (meaning a practical reason or for example I know my friend has an important appointment/event that day). If I really need input or support I might text and ask when we can talk but again I don't expect an immediate response in the least.

I would have walked away the first time this happened..

we went through a time when we didn't talk.. I must have used "f@!&" in a conversation as an exclamation to some news she told me.. she took it as me swearing at her. she cut off contact and then re-connected when she came back to the country.

I don't text my friends as a way to check in or expect them to text right back unless we have a plan or there is a time sensitive reason

ITA. I never use texting as the sole means of connection., mainly to make plans, plan a phonecall... check in, share a joke. but not to go deep and meaningful, immediate reply is a bonus.. never an expectation. Plus me and her have dinner alone twice a month.. I do give her a lot of attention.. sadly not enough for her.

I guess we both want different things. Im a laid back friend, I don't mind a bit of space now and again on both sides. When Im going through an emotional patch,. I don't really tell others until Ive worked through a bit of it myself or I tell my therapist.

I feel like your friendship with her is on its last legs, so I think you should have an in person conversation with her telling her she's become quite dependent on you

I thought of this and part of me is reluctant to meet. I feel like I might be the one doing the "begging" while she sits on her high horse. i get the impression she feels she is right in this matter...Ive said over text everything I have to say in person an judging from the texts she has been sending me she cannot see any different.

I would have walked away the first time this happened.

 

I text some friends every day, some friends every few days, and some I only reach out to every few months, but no one in my life has permission to make these kind of demands.

 

Instead of waving a white flag, I'd strongly consider being done with this "friendship." She's an emotional parasite using you for free therapy.

I agree. Are you here only friend?

Saying it over text isn't the right venue.

Also, high horse? It seems like you have some resentment that goes beyond her neediness.

we went through a time when we didn't talk.. I must have used "f@!&" in a conversation as an exclamation to some news she told me.. she took it as me swearing at her. she cut off contact and then re-connected when she came back to the country.

 

 

 

ITA. I never use texting as the sole means of connection., mainly to make plans, plan a phonecall... check in, share a joke. but not to go deep and meaningful, immediate reply is a bonus.. never an expectation. Plus me and her have dinner alone twice a month.. I do give her a lot of attention.. sadly not enough for her.

 

I guess we both want different things. Im a laid back friend, I don't mind a bit of space now and again on both sides. When Im going through an emotional patch,. I don't really tell others until Ive worked through a bit of it myself or I tell my therapist.

She sounds very dramatic? Are the convos all about her?

Yes there is some hangover... I feel like I've had to filter out things I tell her. I find she can be very abrupt and tends to think her opinion is the way to go. We have had disagreements to this end.. so now I just don't tell her things I know she won't agree with.

She's a good friend, i know she enjoys my company and I do hers.... and i don't doubt she likes me . I will give you a couple of scenarios

There was a guy that liked me and wanted to take me out on a date. He isn't a mutual friend and they have never met. i liked him platonically but was not sure about anything more.. until he started asking me out...so I told her that I was considering going on a date with him just to check out if there was a connection. she got angry and abruptly said " nope. he's not for you. he's not the one. you need to focus on your life". Nothing happened between us eventually.. the date didn't happen, but Ive felt "shutdown" by her a few times.

This situation was the first time that I have really stood my ground with her and she got angry and sent a load of messages basically saying "I'm right .. you're wrong.. you don't have time for me.. you're too busy".

I agree. Are you here only friend?

Im not..she has other friends too. Im in two minds whether to try again or just leave things.

...............................

She sounds very dramatic? Are the convos all about her?

In person its a two way conversation..

Over text. its mainly her.

In person its a two way conversation..

Over text. its mainly her.

I think you should talk to her about it. if you're considering on continuing the friendship.

I would get very tired of that constant need for contact. It's a tough call because it seems like you tried to explain you'd rather just talk than the texting that demands a response, and it didn't really click. All I can really say is try again and remember not to phrase it in a way that makes her feel attacked. If possible, talk in person about it.

If you really want General on friends and texting info.

I have many different levels of texting with friends. The vast majority of people I know or am friends with I text to invite them to things or ask questions about events. I have one friend where we generally talk everyday, but it's not chatty checking up texts. Its planning events, links to things for groups, funny pics, or crafts. All serious convos would be in person. Another friend we send manga suggestions/pics and YouTube videos usually every couple days cause we share a lot of hobbies. Pretty much everyone else it's every now and again. Half my best friends aren't local, so I call them every month or so and catch up, but trying to text would be a pain. I also go visit and they come visit.

If someone wants to have an actual conversation with me, I'd always rather they call me if we can't simply meet up and skip digital conversation entirely. I will and have ignored a message several days until I wanted to chat or just called them instead of answering.

She doesn't sound like a friend - she sounds like someone who needs a sounding board and attention over text. I think that's the issue - not how often to text "friends" but how often to text someone who isn't interested in a two-way interaction.

Kind of clingy and needy with poor boundaries, no? She sounds incredibly bored and boring.

Can she take up candy crush instead of incessant texting?

Send her this link: Most popular games

I supported her through a breakup after which she became clingy and would get angry if I don't reply to her text within the timeframe she wants. it was a message saying "Are you alive?".. She sends things like.. " Are you going to write something?" "Are you there?".. "and this would be out of the blue.

Update:

I sent a message today telling her that I am open to speak/ reconnect in the hopes of planing a coffee.

I said that we have had good times together but I cannot offer her the level of contact she wants. I said I might be busy or away from my phone. I also said I will not respond if she sends texts that are accusatory messages. but I am open to chat. I said at the end that the time it takes me to answer is no reflection of whether or not I care. ( and i usually answer on the same day...)

I then got a 12minute rant over a voice message telling me that I am exaggerating things and that she has her own life and friends and I am not trusting of her.She also said that she has other friends and her own life and basically she is moving on .

I felt terrible.. I felt like she was taking the moral high ground and not seeing her part in this too.

Im done.

Im done trying...

another one bites the dust.

I guess I have to now ask myself why I have been allowing these kind of people in my life.

Oh wow. You dodged a bullet. It sounds like you were reasonable about the communication frequency and she had a meltdown.

I then got a 12minute rant over a voice message telling me that I am exaggerating things and that she has her own life and friends and I am not trusting of her.She also said that she has other friends and her own life and basically she is moving on

You should have considered having this conversation with her in person. My guess is you might have had a different outcome.

Laying down the rules in a text might not have been the best of idea.

Seeing this issue has been about the differences in your styles of electronic exchanges, I can't understand why you would have this sensitive discussion like this with her electronically? Did you really believe the outcome would be positive?

Having said that. . she does sound exhausting and you are a little more laid back. Yet you value your friendship despite your differences.

It's possible that the differences may have just been too much in the end.

Laying down the rules in a text might not have been the best of idea.

 

Seeing this issue has been about the differences in your styles of electronic exchanges, I can't understand why you would have this sensitive discussion like this with her electronically? Did you really believe the outcome would be positive?

 

Having said that. . she does sound exhausting and you are a little more laid back. Yet you value your friendship despite your differences.

It's possible that the differences may have just been too much in the end.

Im sad about it but i'll get over it.. life goes on.

I sent a text because we had stopped talking.. i was hoping to plan a coffee for next week.

The text was basically what I had already said to her earlier.. I said nothing new in the text so I wasn't "laying down the rules".. I just wanted to reconnect.In the end, I told her I was still open to her but it had to be done in a way that works for both of us.

Its all pointless drama.. square peg..round hole....

If there can be no respect,there can be no friendship.

I had dinner with another friend I had not seen in 3 months today.. no bad vibes. no weird vibes..no accusation... we hadn't even texted in that time.. and it was great. she was happy to see me and so was I. I was happy to hear of what she had been up to in that time we had been apart. We planned another one next week.

Thanks for all your support ENA xx