Money Strategy

Dating advice, not money advice.

I have had many women not date me because I don't make us much as them. It is a trend, and it's not about right or wrong. It's a reality and I think money is a reasonable concern. It's not so much about paying my own way. I do, and two dependants. I think it's about being able to share a quality of life. If a woman can travel and dine out a lot, it's reasonable to expect her partner to.

Typically what happens is a woman will show interest. I will look at her profile. If I don't meet their income range preference I simply won't contact them. The few times I have, I have been up front and said I don't meet their preference. Each instance was met with "too bad, good luck".

However, when a woman shows interest and I don't meet her age preference, I ignore it, and talk to her. It never comes up. The difference is you can see my age, I don't list my income. In a way I don't think it's anyone's business until I get to know them. There's probably higher earners in worse shape, and lower earners doing much better than me. But that's beside the point I guess.

I'm talking to two women right now. One I am going to meet soon. The other, it's early. Both make much more than I. The first one I'm less worried about. Money doesn't seem to matter too much. But I am below her preference. The other one is more problematic. She travels a lot, and wants to travel a lot. I would love to, can't right now.

I don't know what to do? Women can see my height and age. Even though I don't list my income part of me feels like I'm not being upfront. But then again I'm not so sure it's something I should be upfront about. If we get along the conversation can come up later. I'm not so sure she should feel deceived. It's like talking about sex. It doesn't belong on a profile. It's private and should be brought only after getting to know one another. I'm not poor. But there's a lot of very successful women in my age group. They tend not to date down. But they tend to contact me. And I don't want to reject myself. And it certainly isn't every successful woman. That should be obvious, but I want to cut off any charges of judging or stereotyping.

They tend not to date down. But they tend to contact me. And I don't want to reject myself. And it certainly isn't every successful woman. That should be obvious, but I want to cut off any charges of judging or stereotyping.

They aren't dating down. They are the ones contacting you, therefore you should take that as a sign that they aren't bothered by income differences.

You're doubting your qualifications. Don't. You're a rockstar.

What am I missing, here?

Why on earth would someone just dismiss you after - well, to me, the exceptionally presumptuous and intrusive -inquiring into your financial situation?

You present yourself well - how are these people ignoring your promising personality and getting bogged down in monetary hang ups?

Can you switch dating services, or even just expand your reach, here?

......but you ARE dismissing yourself and you are judging them in the process.

Your income is absolutely nobody's business and not something you should be discussing when you've just met, certainly not calling her up and telling her you are not in her range. That's just....odd and comes across like you are very insecure about it and might have a chip on your shoulder, a big one. It's very inappropriate to bring up. The result is that very likely you got quickly dismissed not because of your actual income, but because you came off badly.

Stop putting the cart 50 miles ahead of the horse. Date, get to know each other, see if there is even relationship possibility there. As you are dating and getting to know each other, financial differences will become apparent, like their attitudes, spending habits, partner expectations. It's an organic process, not an interview type deal. She may love to travel, but a lot of her travel is work related, so you won't factor into it anyway or rarely. She may be happy with the relationship and a good stable man and be wiling to pay for the trips for the both of you. There are a lot of different possibilities and dynamics change as two people get to know each other and evolve into a relationship.

You are shooting yourself in the foot by leaping to judgments and dismissing yourself out. On a separate note, if her income disparity is going to eat at your ego and make you feel bad about yourself, then please do go ahead and dismiss yourself. Nothing worse than dating a man who has a problem with how much you are making and I am speaking from experience here.

Also, you mentioned two dependents - I'm presuming children - is this possibly a more relevant factor to why you might at this time be ill-suited as a traveling partner, rather than your net worth? Could this be what these women are responding to?

Not saying they should or shouldn't, just trying to figure out the issue you feel you're being met with.

Ehhh... don't want to ruffle too many feathers making generalizations, but I think there's a ways to go before a man making less than a woman is as widely accepted as the inverse. And for all the women who would nix a lower-income guy, you've also got a good number who tell themselves they would only for resentment to build later on.

For that reason, I'd be forward if I saw my income was less than the preference a woman wrote, even if she were the one to initiate. From my experience, women aren't much more diligent than men when it comes to actually reading profiles, so it's very possible they missed it. Being 5'7," I'm below a lot of women's written preferred height, and I'd point it out as a PS after replying to a message they initiated.

Personally, I think being able to put out a checklist of incompatibilities without making an awkward conversation over it on a second date is one of the biggest advantages of online dating, so I prefer to clear the air over email straight away if I notice it.

Dating advice, not money advice.

 

I have had many women not date me because I don't make us much as them. It is a trend, and it's not about right or wrong. It's a reality and I think money is a reasonable concern. It's not so much about paying my own way. I do, and two dependants. I think it's about being able to share a quality of life. If a woman can travel and dine out a lot, it's reasonable to expect her partner to.

 

Typically what happens is a woman will show interest. I will look at her profile. If I don't meet their income range preference I simply won't contact them. The few times I have, I have been up front and said I don't meet their preference. Each instance was met with "too bad, good luck".

 

However, when a woman shows interest and I don't meet her age preference, I ignore it, and talk to her. It never comes up. The difference is you can see my age, I don't list my income. In a way I don't think it's anyone's business until I get to know them. There's probably higher earners in worse shape, and lower earners doing much better than me. But that's beside the point I guess.

 

I'm talking to two women right now. One I am going to meet soon. The other, it's early. Both make much more than I. The first one I'm less worried about. Money doesn't seem to matter too much. But I am below her preference. The other one is more problematic. She travels a lot, and wants to travel a lot. I would love to, can't right now.

 

I don't know what to do? Women can see my height and age. Even though I don't list my income part of me feels like I'm not being upfront. But then again I'm not so sure it's something I should be upfront about. If we get along the conversation can come up later. I'm not so sure she should feel deceived. It's like talking about sex. It doesn't belong on a profile. It's private and should be brought only after getting to know one another. I'm not poor. But there's a lot of very successful women in my age group. They tend not to date down. But they tend to contact me. And I don't want to reject myself. And it certainly isn't every successful woman. That should be obvious, but I want to cut off any charges of judging or stereotyping.

I'm going to go against the grain, as always, because I completely understand what you are saying.

Income/money are very sensitive things - especially when I think most of us don't like the idea of our ability to find love to be tied to how much we are making.

As long as we are talking about online dating, I try to take the emotional or ideological part out of it and just note it as yet another factor for consideration - along with height, age, education level, horoscope/sign, etc.

Having said that, I think it was common when I was online dating for men to put "ask me later" or something about income and/or age. If you did that, just be prepared to respond to that question at a later time.

***

As a side note about lifestyle differences, I just wanted to put out there for consideration that there are some people who have monetary considerations for other things. For example, building a substantial retirement fund for the long-term, having the ability to pay for medical expenses, having the ability to pay for their children's education etc. One of my good friends from college had pretty well to do parents who live pretty modestly. Their major goals were to give their four kids the best opportunities for education. So, they paid for private schools for the kids from pre-K throughout each of their grad school educations (one of the kids went to med school and they paid for much of it out of pocket.) I think she mentioned it was something like a million dollars over their lifetime. After the last kid graduated from school, he quit his job as a partner in a law firm and went off to teach elementary school math!

My point in that little aside is that people can associate a variety of different life goals and values to their relationship with money.

Ehhh... don't want to ruffle too many feathers making generalizations, but I think there's a ways to go before a man making less than a woman is as widely accepted as the inverse. And for all the women who would nix a lower-income guy, you've also got a good number who tell themselves they would only for resentment to build later on.

 

For that reason, I'd be forward if I saw my income was less than the preference a woman wrote, even if she were the one to initiate. From my experience, women aren't much more diligent than men when it comes to actually reading profiles, so it's very possible they missed it.

This doesn't ruffle my feathers. Although, I was very diligent about reading profiles (usually men didn't write as much as I did anyways).

But I would also say, for me anyway, that income differences actually might make less of a difference depending on the type of society one lives in. For example, if you live in a society where there is less income inequality overall, where there is state-sponsored health care, etc there could be less of a concern about income differentials.

I wonder if the fact that you have dependent kids to fund is making more of a difference on your desirability than your income. Just personally speaking, I'd rather date a guy who didn't make as much but had no children to fund than a guy who made more and had a couple kids and maybe an ex to pay alimony to.

The money you make doesn't limit you creating an awesome first date. If you get a good feeling about someone there are plenty of things you can do for free, or near free, that show you're a person who puts thought into things to make spending time together special. An art gallery, a picnic, an unusual coffee house, a beautiful hike, bike ride etc etc. Find out what makes your date tick and when you hit on something you both like that will be more about the experience than the dollar, organise something along those lines. You will soon get an idea of how you tick, as well as how much she appreciates the effort you have gone to, and how compatible your values are.

I'm thinking that, just because they have a preference in terms of how much they would like their partner to earn, does not necessarily mean that you earning less is a dealbreaker.

If you feel comfortable initiating the conversation about income difference, and it's something you want to get off your chest, then I would say do it. Otherwise, I would just let sleeping dogs lie. It's truly none of their business at this point.

For the past decade every woman has made more then me. If that's so important to them then it's better they moved onto someone else

Online is a funny world.....if you don't put in parameters, your in box is inundated with baby daddies with 5 different mommas who just happen to be unemployment who just happen to "love a strong woman who can pay their bills"..... or "yo...sup?" or "yu seczy as hell biotch" (all real actual e-mails received at some point) so you go back and start putting in income parameters, educational parameters, etc. They could really add some basic literacy and human decency requirements too....but those aren't available.

Do you necessarily care about such artificial parameters? No. You are simply looking for a decent man but it gets hard to find one when you are being bombarded with the above lovely specimens.

Anyway, if she is contacting you, you should just roll with it. Talk, meet, date, etc. Don't dismiss yourself and don't leap to conclusions.

I am the kind of woman who wouldn't be interested in a guy if he didn't make similar to me.

Note I said similar to me - I'm not chasing MORE money, just equivalent.

I know me well enough to know I don't want to support anyone. I don't want to pay disproportionately. I don't want to feel like my lifestyle is limited in order to make sure our spending is matched up.

My ex and I made similar money and it was *so* nice. We only had one fight about money and it's because his roommate was mooching and it annoyed me.

Money is statistically a huge source of conflict in LTRs so I choose to avoid that conflict by picking similarly earning partners.

And, of course, money can change over time. But with that comes other changes. I would rather navigate those waters with someone I'm emotionally invested in than a new guy.

I think it's something to discuss as you get to know someone, to screen for longer term compatibility. It's not as simple as income for everyone, it's the larger picture. Availability to live a kind of lifestyle, priorities being compatible.

How is it you have two dependents? Are they teenage children ? If so, that's a temporary factor. See it depends. I would guess many women in your age group have the kids out of the house, financial and time freedom to do prioritize themselves more - and that may be an important factor.

Agree. Your bottom line shouldn't be the focus on a profile or the first few dates. Think of it as gold digger repellent.

I don't list my income part of me feels like I'm not being upfront.

......but you ARE dismissing yourself and you are judging them in the process.

 

Your income is absolutely nobody's business and not something you should be discussing when you've just met, certainly not calling her up and telling her you are not in her range. That's just....odd and comes across like you are very insecure about it and might have a chip on your shoulder, a big one. It's very inappropriate to bring up. The result is that very likely you got quickly dismissed not because of your actual income, but because you came off badly.

 

Stop putting the cart 50 miles ahead of the horse. Date, get to know each other, see if there is even relationship possibility there. As you are dating and getting to know each other, financial differences will become apparent, like their attitudes, spending habits, partner expectations. It's an organic process, not an interview type deal. She may love to travel, but a lot of her travel is work related, so you won't factor into it anyway or rarely. She may be happy with the relationship and a good stable man and be wiling to pay for the trips for the both of you. There are a lot of different possibilities and dynamics change as two people get to know each other and evolve into a relationship.

 

You are shooting yourself in the foot by leaping to judgments and dismissing yourself out. On a separate note, if her income disparity is going to eat at your ego and make you feel bad about yourself, then please do go ahead and dismiss yourself. Nothing worse than dating a man who has a problem with how much you are making and I am speaking from experience here.

I am insecure about it, and I'm not ashamed of that. I know my strengths, and I know my weaknesses.

I do like your post. It's very insightful. I don't know if I come of bad. My perception is income is a more rigid preference than age or height. They can see my age and height. If they contact me, they can look past that. But I don't list my income. Most woman do list a preference. Ironically the women I tend to like that contact me, are higher earners.

After reading some of these posts Iv'e decided to just forge ahead. If they have a problem with my income, then we simply aren't a good match.

I have no issue at all with what a woman makes, or what anyone else makes for that matter. I don't tie my ego to my income. Sorry you had a negative experience.

I think it's something to discuss as you get to know someone, to screen for longer term compatibility. It's not as simple as income for everyone, it's the larger picture. Availability to live a kind of lifestyle, priorities being compatible.

 

How is it you have two dependents? Are they teenage children ? If so, that's a temporary factor. See it depends. I would guess many women in your age group have the kids out of the house, financial and time freedom to do prioritize themselves more - and that may be an important factor.

My lifestyle is modest. I accept someone may want want their partner to be able to fit in with their lifestyle. I think it's what underlies the income issue. It's not so much that I don't make as much.

They are mostly with their mom. But a good chunk of my income goes there.

I was talking to one woman who commented that I shouldn't feel bad because there were a lot of poor men online. I share that because frankly I find it kind of funny.

It is another issue. I had my children late. Although my arrangement is flexible, many women won't date me because I still have a 14 y/o around. My oldest 21, doesn't visit as often anymore.

I am the kind of woman who wouldn't be interested in a guy if he didn't make similar to me.

 

Note I said similar to me - I'm not chasing MORE money, just equivalent.

 

I know me well enough to know I don't want to support anyone. I don't want to pay disproportionately. I don't want to feel like my lifestyle is limited in order to make sure our spending is matched up.

 

My ex and I made similar money and it was *so* nice. We only had one fight about money and it's because his roommate was mooching and it annoyed me.

 

Money is statistically a huge source of conflict in LTRs so I choose to avoid that conflict by picking similarly earning partners.

 

And, of course, money can change over time. But with that comes other changes. I would rather navigate those waters with someone I'm emotionally invested in than a new guy.

Exactly........... I think that's reasonable, and realistic. Money is important.

No one has to support me. And if a woman feels her lifestyle is going to suffer, there's no solution for that.

Ehhh... don't want to ruffle too many feathers making generalizations, but I think there's a ways to go before a man making less than a woman is as widely accepted as the inverse.

That's my observation and experience. I can imagine the male power lawyer asking out the cute female barista. Now reverse the genders, and tell me when you've stopped laughing.