For those who do reconcile, or want to, how do you get past the hurt?

If it's not a cheating or abuse situation, how do you resolve the hurt from the way things ended?

Mine blindsided me with a breakup out of nowhere saying he needed space to figure things out. He was fresh out of a divorce, so I sort of expected us to go through this at some point in time.

Rather than a clean break initially, we agreed to a 2 month break. Though we never truly went NC during the break. Then after a month, we met up and at first his behavior indicated we'd reconcile after the break, but he suddenly switched gears and told me he didn't see me in his future. So I told him we were done. And again, he switched gears and seemed devastated I called it off. We argued via text and email another couple of days but have been NC since. I told him it was up to him to reach out to me. Every one who knows me and us as a couple believes that due to his indecisiveness, he will be back.

And part of me wants him back. Not just the part that makes me only remember the good stuff.

But part of me doesn't know if I can trust him again. And I don't know if I can feel as secure with him as I did before. Maybe this means I should move on completely. But obviously many couples DO get back together, so how do you move forward as a couple without the past coming back to haunt you?

Honestly, I feel he is NOT stable enough to be moving on again... being recently divorced?

he is not what you need.. and especially if he's broken up already, once- which affected you.... so now.. damage is done.

Yeah, I'm sure he'll do it again... showing the instability. And all of this is going to sit on the back of your mind

Often, second time around it doesn't get any better because of this reason-- damage already from the BU.. etc.

I think it's time to work on accepting this isn't going to work. Things ended for reasons.. nothing has changed. Only becoming more of a challenge.. not fun. It's not real.

Do yourself a favour and work at accepting this and move on. He needs much more time to work on himself... and should stop taking advantage of you or anyone else.. unless or until he's more mentally & emotionally stable in his life.

short version: as long as you you're not over the past you can't reconcile.

longer version: he hasn't even metabolized his divorce so can't in fact properly invest in a new relationship; he's not in the least indicating he wants or is capable of one with his frequent running away from you; you can't stop fighting.

the really long version would contain commentary or your past threads which i haven't read but i could just bet they reveal exactly why you'd even be considering going back to a trainwreck of a relationship so in your shoes i would read them again, and the responses, and inquire why i would want to pursue this kind of thing.

How many times does he have to dump you, for you to be done?

So many red flags that you keep ignoring!!!!

you can't stop fighting.

We never really fought. The only actual fight we had was after I decided to end the break/relationship at the dinner, and then the emails right after.

My original post was more of a general question about reconciliation after break ups, not specifically my relationship.

For those who reconciled, how were you able to move forward as a couple and not let the circumstances of the breakup become an issue?

You obviously haven't learned any life lesson here. In the future, if a guy asked you out and was fresh from a divorce, I'd tell him, "It's best if we wait at least a year after you finish mourning the relationship and feel ready to invest in a new one. You can contact me when that time comes and see if I'm still available and you want to try then."

You weren't important enough for him to stick around for the first time. Have some self worth. The right guy will never leave--not even once. I've wanted guys so badly in the past, that it was devastating and I didn't get them. I later found out things about them and thought, "Thank God that never happened." I had poor self worth at one time and was devastated when a guy who was wrong for me on just about every level broke up with me. (started out good, of course). Only later when I met my future husband did I shake my head and wonder what the hell I was doing when I stayed with an ex who treated me as such a low priority? I then really appreciated my husband, who I'm 100 percent happier with, and am happy that the other jerk dumped me.

You have tunnel vision right now and can't see the future. Be alone. Work on yourself and your self esteem. If you don't do that, you will keep accepting the same sub-par man over and over.

Its hard to move forward without putting the past behind you. And as far as your question, does there have to be a reason like cheating or abuse? Why cant the most obvious be acceptable. You two were not meant to be together or it just didnt work out.

You obviously haven't learned any life lesson here. In the future, if a guy asked you out and was fresh from a divorce, I'd tell him, "It's best if we wait at least a year after you finish mourning the relationship and feel ready to invest in a new one. You can contact me when that time comes and see if I'm still available and you want to try then."

 

You weren't important enough for him to stick around for the first time. Have some self worth. The right guy will never leave--not even once. I've wanted guys so badly in the past, that it was devastating and I didn't get them. I later found out things about them and thought, "Thank God that never happened." I had poor self worth at one time and was devastated when a guy who was wrong for me on just about every level broke up with me. (started out good, of course). Only later when I met my future husband did I shake my head and wonder what the hell I was doing when I stayed with an ex who treated me as such a low priority? I then really appreciated my husband, who I'm 100 percent happier with, and am happy that the other jerk dumped me.

 

You have tunnel vision right now and can't see the future. Be alone. Work on yourself and your self esteem. If you don't do that, you will keep accepting the same sub-par man over and over.

And again....this was a GENERAL question.

They are telling you the answer: to reconcile, you need to get past the hurt feelings. To do so, you need to move on from this relationship.

For those who do reconcile, or want to, how do you get past the hurt?

And part of me wants him back. Not just the part that makes me only remember the good stuff.

But part of me doesn't know if I can trust him again. And I don't know if I can feel as secure with him as I did before. Maybe this means I should move on completely.

- In time I'm sure you'll SEE the light.. once you step back.. and HEAL from it. Which takes time.

YOU have been damaged and you may NEVER be able to trust this guy again. ( You know how he is and what he's done already).

- You know he is STILL dealing with his BU and now, another one! Just how 'stable' do you think he is?

He can't handle another relationship. he has nothing to give you- at this time in his life.

I dealt with a guy who was in a similar situation... and he met up with me within months of his divorce.. I knew it was leading to nothing.. and moved on.

he is finally going out again... after 2 years.

So- think about this. You need to take care of yourself in life. Best do that.

NEVER get involved with someone who is fresh out of a Long term relation. ** If they are searching, it's only for a Fwb- cause they are bored/lonely... is that all YOU want?*

How many times does he have to dump you, for you to be done?

 

So many red flags that you keep ignoring!!!!

Sorry to say, but I think this is true. Your true healing will begin when you can let go of some of this false hope.