Looking for love as a 30-something

Hi everyone. Is the general consensus that dating as you progress from your 20's to 30's gets harder, in the sense of time and the expectation that certain milestones in life are closer around the corner if they haven't already happened (i.e. starting a family), as well as the expectation that certain milestones should have already occurred in life prior to finding new love in your thirties?

I'm interested in hearing fellow ENA'ers thoughts. I'm sure this is an fairly obvious observation, but not something that I ever used to give much thought or consideration until now that I am well into my thirties myself.

Raize

I think it is what you are.

The univeral 'you,' that is. Thus, if you are anxiety riddled, even-keeled, drama fueled, and so forth..

I would bet that, overall, it has to be easier if only in the parameters of older = more life experience = less 'zomgeverysinglethingismomentousandhasonlyeverhappenedtomeeee' ish.. ness.. that seems to be a continuously infectious, low-grade symptom affecting the newly un-teenaged.

Meh, who know. Get off my lawn.

Kidding. What's your current relationship/romantic status?

I found dating easier in some ways in my thirties. I knew myself better, knew what I was looking for, knew better than to put up with crap, felt more comfy with my life in general and more confident with myself.

But in other ways dating was harder because the pool of available men around my age had diminished a lot. I found it almost impossible to meet quality men around my age in real life. I mostly attracted younger men, ten years younger, and also older middle aged men. Not much in between. So I found that online dating was really beneficial for me to set age parameters and that sort of thing.

I think it is what you are.

 

The univeral 'you,' that is. Thus, if you are anxiety riddled, even-keeled, drama fueled, and so forth..

 

I would bet that, overall, it has to be easier if only in the parameters of older = more life experience = less 'zomgeverysinglethingismomentousandhasonlyeverhappenedtomeeee' ish.. ness.. that seems to be a continuously infectious, low-grade symptom affecting the newly un-teenaged.

 

Meh, who know. Get off my lawn.

 

Kidding. What's your current relationship/romantic status?

Me, I'm currently single with no romantic prospects, nor am I actively dating. I'm somewhat enjoying the solace of being single, but there's that little fear that I'm missing out on the company of that elusive 'special someone' out there...

Hi everyone. Is the general consensus that dating as you progress from your 20's to 30's gets harder, in the sense of time and the expectation that certain milestones in life are closer around the corner if they haven't already happened (i.e. starting a family), as well as the expectation that certain milestones should have already occurred in life prior to finding new love in your thirties?

 

I'm interested in hearing fellow ENA'ers thoughts. I'm sure this is an fairly obvious observation, but not something that I ever used to give much thought or consideration until now that I am well into my thirties myself.

 

Raize

I have always been disengaged from "milestone" yardstick, but I do think that dating gets harder in your 30s.

The first obvious thing is that many of the commitment-minded people tend to settle down in their 20s, so the ratio of commitmentphobes and jerks to good relationship material increases. So, lets say you have 5 potential dates. In your 20s, 4 out of 5 of those people might make a good longterm partner. But in your 30s, maybe only 1 or 2 of those people will make a good longterm partner.

Also, in your 30s, some people reenter the dating market after leaving long term relationships. These people usually come with some baggage (like children, relationships with exes, etc). It doesn't necessarily make them undatable, but it does make relationships more complicated.

Along the same lines, people's characters tend to "calcify" as they get older. Boundaries strengthen, preferences become clearer. So a portion of the dating pool is automatically eliminated based on the additional criteria that accumulates with maturity and experience. In my early 20s, I dated an ex-con for a year and a half. He was cool. We got along great--mainly because we had no real responsibilities except for school and work. These days, there is no effing way I would waste a minute of my time fishing in that market.

Me, I'm currently single with no romantic prospects, nor am I actively dating. I'm somewhat enjoying the solace of being single, but there's that little fear that I'm missing out on the company of that elusive 'special someone' out there...

Personally, I think that the time that you are presently spending with and on yourself - investing in yourself, at that, should offer you a great deal of reassurance that you are not missing out and that should a special someone cross your path, you'll feel more confident that they're meeting a special someone in you, as well.

And if that path crossing is not in the immediate future, then you still win, as you've got the special you already in the works.

I found dating easier in some ways in my thirties. I knew myself better, knew what I was looking for, knew better than to put up with crap, felt more comfy with my life in general and more confident with myself.

 

But in other ways dating was harder because the pool of available men around my age had diminished a lot. I found it almost impossible to meet quality men around my age in real life. I mostly attracted younger men, ten years younger, and also older middle aged men. Not much in between. So I found that online dating was really beneficial for me to set age parameters and that sort of thing.

Ftr, perhaps I'll give dating sites another go some time. I tried one briefly a couple of years ago but decided that it wasn't for me...

Personally, I think that the time that you are presently spending with and on yourself - investing in yourself, at that, should offer you a great deal of reassurance that you are not missing out and that should a special someone cross your path, you'll feel more confident that they're meeting a special someone in you, as well.

 

And if that path crossing is not in the immediate future, then you still win, as you've got the special you already in the works.

Furthermore, I know the last thing I wanna do is rush into anything because of any idea that 'the clock is ticking'! I'm sure I can certainly do better to be improving myself btw...

Just to clarify: oh, my gosh, I in no way intended to remotely suggest that you are in any form not ready or suited to be dating. You sound like a stable, intelligent and sensible person who is leaps and bounds ahead of a the game.

Which is why, and only why, I wanted to reassure you that you weren't missing out. Because you spend time with you, which sounds just fantastic, unlike some people who feel unfortunately pressured to wade into the dating pool at times ill-suited to their success there, simply because they don't know how to be comfortable being alone and not lonely with the people that they presently are.

This does not apply to you. I wish you the best of luck and I don't think it sounds like you'll even need it. Cheers!

The first obvious thing is that many of the commitment-minded people tend to settle down in their 20s, so the ratio of commitmentphobes and jerks to good relationship material increases. So, lets say you have 5 potential dates. In your 20s, 4 out of 5 of those people might make a good longterm partner. But in your 30s, maybe only 1 or 2 of those people will make a good longterm partner.

Man. I couldn't disagree with your math any more than I already do. 80% of your dates in your 20s were potential long term partners? Nooooo way

Most men I met in my 20's were not looking for long term anything. Thats one thing that made dating difficult for me. These guys were all around my age at the time. Early to mid twenties. In my late twenties I started actively looking for men in their 30's and I found a marked difference in priorities. The guys in the 30s were looking to settle down and get married. The were not interested in playing the field. So in that respect, I found it easier to find guys with the same priorities as I got older. Once I got into my 30's, I found I had to go online to target men in my age range with the same priorities because I couldn't find it out in the wild.

This is just my experience as a woman

I agree with Jibraltar, mostly! Things become more... complicated. Obviously, many people have entered marriages or other long-term obligations by 30. Fewer than the past, but still, simply logically speaking, your dating pool is smaller.

However, more importantly (because there is still a big pool left... and of course, people reenter it after breakups, etc.), the approach seems to change. In my experience, the 'calcification' remark holds true – people have had a series of romantic hardships and (sometimes!) become more rigid/ distant – to put up walls – than they used to.

Naturally, there are the time-related questions that add pressure: babies, getting married at some point, etc.

These are all vast generalizations, so won't necessarily apply in specific cases... they are also completely anecdotal (besides the fact that obviously, the dating pool will be smaller in your 30s, because people do die, enter nunneries, get married, and similar – though it also means your competition is more limited for the same reason). However, the piece I am inclined to also support is the notion that people who have lasted to their 30s without yet marrying, etc., tend to have more issues in romantic relationships. As in being afraid of them, having a difficult time communicating in them, seeking them out and retreating, and so forth. They are just less comfortable in relationships.

Sadly, at 41, I must be counted in this lot! (Time for a comparison for my sake on dating in the 30s and dating in the 40s...)

On the other hand! People in their 20s seem to have pretty big defenses at the ready, too. And dating can be hell in the 20s – like many aspects of life – because of all the uncertainty and wandering (on most people's part). And as an entire group, people have a tougher time when younger not only 'knowing what they want' (or being right about what they think they want!), but also communicating openly. I think while all of the experiences can make older folks more defensive, it can also make them kinder, more rational, and so on. Usually, one will have less of the very cruel treatment that one experiences in their 20s.

I say usually, but was just dumped in a very unkind way by a 35yo. So, again, these are generalizations.

Perhaps despite what I've said here, I think that one should be optimistic at 30. While it's true that luck may play an important role, and that some are lucky to find good-fitting partners in their 20s, if one hasn't found that, then, certainly in one's early 30s, one will find people (if that's what one wants) who are looking to settle down sooner rather than later... maybe willing to compromise more... and generally speaking, have a bit more of a handle on kind and reasonable ways of dealing with romance.

I think it best to take people as they come. Anyone could have issues preventing them from being healthy minded in a relationship at any age. It's easy to follow a negative mindset that dating will will hard when you are older because people are more "messed up" with "baggage" or emotional issues, but that can be true at any age. There a many singles and never-marrieds in thei thirties who are that way due to unrelated hardships or circumstances that have nothing to do with their emotional ability to have and hold a relationship.

So, just to say I don't think preconceived notions or negative generalizations are helpfull at all, but really could cause you to self-sabotage, especially if you get into a mindset were you think that "i'm single because people in my age range are all messed up now". It's simply not true, and thinking that way is not gonna be helpfull. Just my 2 cents on staying positive and giving people people benefit of the doubt.

Just for fun, here is an interesting article from Time Magazine:

"A new study suggests that people should get married between the ages of 28 and 32 if they don't want to get divorced, at least in the first five years.

Before we proceed to the explanation: Don't shoot me if you're older than that and not married yet. These are just statistics and can in no way account for your personal situation, or that last cheater/psycho/narcissist you wasted 18 months on. Nobody's blaming you. You are a wonderful and entirely loveable person.

Now, moving on.

The study was done by Nick Wolfinger, a sociologist at the University of Utah, and published by the generally pro-marriage Institute of Family Studies. It suggests that people who get married between 28 and 32 split up least in the ensuing years. This is a new development; sociologists formerly believed that waiting longer to get hitched usually led to more stability, and there was no real sell-by date.

Wolfinger analyzed data from 2006-2010 and the 2011-2013 National Survey of Family Growth. He found a sort of upside down bell curve. "The odds of divorce decline as you age from your teenage years through your late twenties and early thirties," he writes. "Thereafter, the chances of divorce go up again as you move into your late thirties and early forties." For each year after about 32, the chance of divorce goes up about 5% says the study.

Some wag over at Slate called this the Goldilocks theory of getting married: you have to be not too young and not too old.

There are lots of reasons why late 20s/early 30s would make sense as a time to start a lifelong partnership with someone: people are old enough to understand if they really get along with someone or are just blinded by hormones. They've already made significant life choices and taken on some responsibilities. And they may be just financially solvent enough to be able to contemplate supporting someone should the need arise.

On the other hand, they're not so old and set in their ways that they can't make the myriad of little adjustments in habits and lifestyle and goals and personal hygiene that marriage requires. They probably don't have ex-spouses or children among whom they to divide their time, resources and loyalty.

Wolfinger says the curve persists "even after controlling for respondents’ sex, race, family structure of origin, age at the time of the survey, education, religious tradition, religious attendance, and sexual history, as well as the size of the metropolitan area that they live in." He thinks the reason might be selection bias. "The kinds of people who wait till their thirties to get married may be the kinds of people who aren’t predisposed toward doing well in their marriages," he writes. This also means "people who marry later face a pool of potential spouses that has been winnowed down to exclude the individuals most predisposed to succeed at matrimony."

(Again, I refer you to my caveat in paragraph two. It's Mr. Wolfinger suggesting singles over 32 are not marriage material, not me. )

Other sociologists who cover this waterfront were quick to weigh in with doubts. The University of Maryland's Phillip Cohen used a different set of data, from the American Community Survey, to say that getting older didn't mean your marriage had less chance of survival. According to his analysis, the perfect age to get married if you don't want to get divorced is 45 to 49, which, he notes, is why people shouldn't make life decisions based on statistical analyses on the Internet.

The truth is: divorce is a difficult social pattern to measure. Many states decline to collect data on it. And since a growing number of people are opting for living together without getting the government seal of approval, counting divorce is becoming less useful as a way of measuring family fracturing.

Still, there are a few truisms backed by research: Having money and a college degree reduces your chances of getting divorced, as does getting engaged before moving in together and waiting to have kids until after the nuptials. Those you can pretty much take to the bank."

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Just to clarify: oh, my gosh, I in no way intended to remotely suggest that you are in any form not ready or suited to be dating. You sound like a stable, intelligent and sensible person who is leaps and bounds ahead of a the game.

 

Which is why, and only why, I wanted to reassure you that you weren't missing out. Because you spend time with you, which sounds just fantastic, unlike some people who feel unfortunately pressured to wade into the dating pool at times ill-suited to their success there, simply because they don't know how to be comfortable being alone and not lonely with the people that they presently are.

 

This does not apply to you. I wish you the best of luck and I don't think it sounds like you'll even need it. Cheers!

Thanks Dahl, I appreciate the sentiment You're right though; There's nothing wrong with 'me time', especially if it involves the quest for self improvement, or at least the intention of self improvement...

While I do indeed wonder at given points in my life whether or not 'now' is a good time for dating and I often don't feel as confident as I could be, I certainly know that there is far deeper to scrape in the proverbial dating barrel than me!

Anytime, mate.

I think that you are ahead of the game by a large margin. If and when you are interested in pursuing dating actively, I believe that you'll find it an easier path, no matter what the ages.

Cheers!

Man. I couldn't disagree with your math any more than I already do. 80% of your dates in your 20s were potential long term partners? Nooooo way

It was just an arbitrary number that I made up to illustrate the concept. I have no idea what the actual difference is. I've just noticed it exists.

Also, the divorce rate is a good indicator of how appropriate long term relationships actually were for many of the early commiters.

I disagree wholeheartedly with Wolfinger. About 85% of the marriages that I have witnessed between couples that took the plunge between 28-32 years old ended in divorce by their early 30's.

My dating life improved a lot after age 35 because of great new hair products plus more self-confidence/ being established in my career/knowing myself better. I was engaged once in my 20s (and ended it quickly), once in my early 30s (we started dating in our 20s) and ended that too. So, partly I got in my own way despite looking for marriage and family starting in my early 20s. I met many men in my 20s who were looking for marriage and long term, as well as in my 30s.

Many friends got married in their 20s and are still married. Since I did all my dating in a major city, many people waited till their late 30s/40s to marry even though they said they wanted to marry sooner. I started dating my husband at almost 39 and we married at age 42, married 8 years.

My dating life improved a lot after age 35 because of great new hair products plus more self-confidence/ being established in my career/knowing myself better. I was engaged once in my 20s (and ended it quickly), once in my early 30s (we started dating in our 20s) and ended that too. So, partly I got in my own way despite looking for marriage and family starting in my early 20s. I met many men in my 20s who were looking for marriage and long term, as well as in my 30s.

Many friends got married in their 20s and are still married. Since I did all my dating in a major city, many people waited till their late 30s/40s to marry even though they said they wanted to marry sooner. I started dating my husband at almost 39 and we married at age 42, married 8 years.

LooooooL did you have unruly hair?