16+ years over

Hi, this is my first time ever posting anything sorry if it gets long.

19 days ago my husband told me the marriage is over. He is done. He has nothing left to give. We sat the kids down (16 & 14) and he told them that WE decided to separate and divorce. Not true!! I do not want this for our family. He also explained to the girls that he was moving out because I do not have any place to go but he can stay with his friend until he can get back on his feet.

I started going to therapy about two weeks before his announcement after a heated discussion where I admitted how unloved and unwanted I felt in the marriage. I was looking up suicide on the internet at that horrible time. (No intention of following through)

We met to talk last week, he complained about missing the kids and how it is killing him not seeing them everyday. He told me he does not miss me. He will still love me because I am the mother of his two girls and wants me to be happy but does not want me.

Ok, I took it in stride, then told him I wanted him back. I still love him. I admitted and apologized for my faults. I asked him to go to therapy with me. He agreed only if it will help me.

I have come to realize that I have to give up the hope that my family will some how come back together. I am beginning to have some better days. I still cry a lot but I am finding the weekend to be the worst trying to stay busy and not cry in front of the girls. Thanks for letting me start the healing.

Hello, Snow, and welcome to the forum.

What a truly gutting time - I am so sorry.

I think you are already far ahead of the curve, though I know that it cannot feel like it - but you are. You are doing so much better than I imagine you could possibly know. You are holding it together admirably, you are acquitting yourself with class and strength and you are showing that invaluable spirit to your children.

We all have slips and missteps, backsliding and hurdles to overcome. There is an expression I'd like to paraphrase - in a worthwhile life there is no winning or losing. There is only succeeding and learning.

You're learning, Snow. You're succeeding. Hang in. You will continue to do better and better until your days feel the same. I hope it happens incredibly soon.

That sounds crushing. I am so sorry, Snowgirl.

It's hard to know what will happen. I would say this is a good example of getting through the days however you can. Focusing on your girls, work if you have it, definitely keeping that therapy up, calling upon friends and family as much as possible, and so on.

I don't want to begin to speculate, because I know so little about him and your situation, but I do know that people sometimes freak out and say really hurtful things, which is sounds like he's doing right now. I certainly don't want to suggest 'he doesn't mean it', because I have no idea. However, as much as you're able, I would say try to concentrate on being healthy and safe – and finding healthy distractions where possible – as opposed to focusing on what he's saying (if it's hurtful and not helpful). I would try to focus on the good aspects of getting some distance, no matter what will happen in the future.

Also vent on here as much as you need! Mostly, you probably don't need advice so much as being able to express yourself.

Best wishes for getting through this!

Oh hon, I am so very sorry you're going through this. If anyone completely understands how you're feeling- it is me. After being married for years (39 years this summer) you are bound to hit roadblocks eventually. I remember the turmoil I felt; with emotional pain so intense that it felt physical.

When my husband and I went through something similar- at around the

22 year- mark I honestly believed I wouldn't make it through. I would wake up each morning with this horrendous heart ripping/tearing- knife slicing; feeling in my chest because my first thought in the morning was that; we were separated and my life, as I knew it- was never going to be the same.

Throughout the day, all I could do was was sob uncontrollably and replay in my head everything I could have done differently to avoid this outcome. Then when I laid down each night for bed-my heart would feel as if a 100lb. boulder was crushing it as my mind raced like the Indianapolis 500- while simultaneously experiencing agonizing stomach bile rise from my stomach, up my chest, finally settling (while burning) my throat (even though I hadn't barely eaten in days). Because I hadnt just lost my husband: I lost my first love, my best friend and confidant, and the father of my child.

It had gotten to a point where inpatient help was necessary for both my body and mind. So kudos to you for seeking out treatment from a professional counselor. Outside professional help not only assisted me on healing from the- blunt force trauma- of separation from the only man I knew- but it helped me see just how dependent I was on him- that my ID was not separate from him but unhealthily meshed: so much in fact- that I didn't know where he ended and I began. It was a much-needed eye opener for me; to be able to have my own identity distinguished, apart from him.

So like I said earlier; its good you two are seeking professional counseling- perhaps, if funds allow it- you could seek individual counseling as well. Because the horrendous pain of separation is very traumatic- no one should have to go it alone. I wish; only the best for you and your marriage. I can see you're a strong woman but even the strongest of the strong, need a little help and guidance along the way. 💙

Just to clarify, we are not in therapy together. He has not attended any sessions with me. He does not believe in it.

Just this past week, a medical issue came to light. He came over the day I found out and was very comforting, tender and loving. The next day he came inside after bringing home our daughter, he said he will be there for me, whatever is needed, as my friend and caressed my face before walking out the door. I feel like I am on a rollercoaster. Not sure how to take his words when his actions are not meshing.

I appreciate the kind words of strength from all of you. Thank you. I do not really feel it yet, not sleeping more than 3-4 hours, eating bare minimum so the kids dont worry, now added stress until the medical test results are received. However I am determined to take it one day at a time.

Sorry to hear this. Excellent you are already going to therapy. Was the marriage tumultuous or did it just fade into a roommates type thing? Why does he want a divorce? Is there someone else?

Consult and excellent divorce attorney asap. In therapy, focus on yourself, your daughters and co-parenting.

We sat the kids down (16 & 14) and he told them that WE decided to separate and divorce. I started going to therapy about two weeks before his announcement after a heated discussion where I admitted how unloved and unwanted I felt in the marriage. I asked him to go to therapy with me. He agreed only if it will help me.

He assures me that there is no one else. Not sure I really believe it since it seems so easy for him to leave me and not communicate. We had a good marriage for the most part, ups and downs, but I admit the communication has lacked for a while now.

Snowgirl, you seriously have my deepest sympathies. I admire your courage and strength and I even look up to you because of how committed you are by wanting to keep things in place and intact and streching options as far as they can go. I don't know what I can offer in advice, as I'm going through my own troubles of heartbreak (yours being much worse than mine). But I really wanted to say something nice to you, because you're awesome!

You are not alone! There are many people that have been through or are going through what you are. Isn't it strange how one minute the partner can be amazing and loving, and then the next, as cold as a vampires blood!? It stuffs up the bloody emotions. So I can understand your confusion completely.

The focus is the children of course, but please do not forget the time that you're going to need for yourself in order to get through this too. You're going to need the support of close friends and family and please don't let yourself go through this alone. Do what makes you happy, what makes you feel empowered, what makes you feel overall good and keep your mind active with other things! Keep your focus on other positives, and I know its hard, but try not to focus on what he is doing/saying/not saying. Because what is truly important here is your wellbeing in order to keep pressing on.

And I like what another commenter said above, vent here all you want! Because that is why this place exists.

Again, you have my deepest sympathies, and I do truly wish you all the very best.

He assures me that there is no one else.

- There is.

It's most likely someone you know, or know of.

You wasting time in denial is the nail in the coffin.

Secretly purchase James Dobson's "Love must be Tough" (Never let him see this book and forget everything you think you know about TL.)

You were right Lester. He does have someone else or is attempting it to be something. The kids came home last night telling me about how my youngest band teacher came to the bowling alley to say hi and have a beer with dad while they were there. She is 23!!! He is 42! It just made my night!! It is one month today that he left and I feel just as shattered.

Did you purchase/read Dobson?

She is 23!!! He is 42!

snowgirl, you have my sympathy, you really do. you'll be feeling hurt and betrayed. to help you get over the hurt think on the positives what you have here - 2 loving daughters and a decent home. make them your focus. have you a circle of friends at all ? that you can socialise with ?

the age gap is laughable - it really is. how long does anyone see this lasting ? i cant see a 23 yr old settling down as mom for a weekend. their realtionship has no future, but YOU have. make sure you kill off any feelings you have for this mad man. who in their right mind throws away their family for another woman ?

yes, that's what he's done. if he can do that, sorry, but he's not the man you thought he was, he's no man at all, just a rat.

get your chin up, hold your head high, you deserve better than he will ever be.

good luck and like everyone says rant on here as much as you like.

Thank you Bobbyclobby. Yes, I have friends and family supporting and doing things with. I think it is also laughable about their relationship but it is his choice and his life. Not my problem anymore. I still love him but one day I hope to be so over him that it won't effect me like it currently does. It hurts to hear that they are now starting to go out in public. My first instinct was to pack up the kids and move out of this town but since thinking about it. Why should I do that? He is the one making an a$$ out of himself. So again...one day at a time.

You need to see an attorney and you need to set up custody parameters. He is not allowed to bring his floozey around your kids. The children need counseling big time. Who tells that to kids when you have not even barely agreed to a divorce at that point? Sick man.

So I started taking steps. Gathered his stuff into the garage and giving him 30 day notice to get it out. Changed the locks and garage door opener so he cannot just walk into the house whenever he feels like it.

He got upset that I talked to his mom about his girlfriend. He brought over money for groceries and told me to not bring up concerns like that to her. She is on the same page as me. She told me she told him that he should not be in a relationship right now and work on himself instead. Anyway, I just smiled and shrugged my shoulders at him, no tears, guess he did not like that response because he no sooner said he had to go.

See an attorney. Can you legally change the locks on a place that is technically still his?

Agree with him that you need to stop gossiping to his mother about his love life. Leave her alone, it's her son she doesn't want to be in the middle of this..

Gathered his stuff into the garage and giving him 30 day notice to get it out. Changed the locks and garage door opener so he cannot just walk into the house whenever he feels like it.

He got upset that I talked to his mom about his girlfriend. He brought over money for groceries and told me to not bring up concerns like that to her.

I was giving back his mom's house key when we started talking. I have only seen her 2 times since he left last month.

The home is rented. He does not pay the rent. I will call the property management company to let them aware of the change in status.

Update: The kids came home in tears last night.He told the kids that yes he is seeing "her". They are spending a lot of time together but they have not put a label to the relationship yet. The kids are upset because he just told them two days ago when our youngest asked if he was seeing her ( because another student told her) that no he was not and it is just a rumor. Yep, some rumor.

He proceeded to tell them that we have not loved one another for a long time (maybe him but I still love him) and he tried to make it work for their sake. But now he has found someone fun and he is happy. He is enjoying his life.

Our oldest said that he was justifying the 19 year age difference as a technicality. As well as the fact that she is our daughters teacher and he is married. (Just another technicality)

I was really hoping he was not lying to our kids. Not to say he would come back, but to not cause them the hurt they currently feel. It breaks my heart seeing my kids in so much pain. So I told him we need to finalize the finances and agreement to get this divorce started and done.

Have you spoken to a divorce lawyer? If not you need to right away.

You have many rights you are not aware of and the sooner you file the sooner he HAS to start paying child support not just bring money by for groceries.

Your marriage is over so there is no reason to delay what needs to be done.

Spousal support, child support, legal custody of the kids, custody agreement, splitting assets and on and on need to happen.

I am sorry I know you feel terrible and may even still be in shock but you need to act on your own and the children's behalf right now.

Lost

Ugh....sorry to say that he was likely involved with the 23yr old long before he even mentioned seperation to you. Married men rarely leave the comforts of home and family unless they have someone else or unless their wife was truly misery to live with 100% of the time.

You say the other woman is your child's band teacher. Is she a teacher within the school? If so I would be reporting this to your school principle and seeing if you can get your daughter placed with another band teacher. Of course your husband doesn't want you talking to his mother. He knows he affaired his way out of the marriage and that it was a despicable thing to do, especially with his daughters barely adult teacher. You have no obligation to keep his dirty secrets. File for divorce and child support asap.

I am reaching out to an attorney to get the paperwork filed.

Yes, this girl is a teacher in the school. Unfortunately I live in a rural town so she is it at the high school, not sure what can be done about that. People will know that she is involved with a married man soon enough and her reputation will be tarnished. I cannot believe that other parents would be okay with this situation. I will be talking to someone at the school next week.

About what? Your kids? Other parents are more concerned with her teaching, not her personal life.

I will be talking to someone at the school next week.

Yes, Wiseman2, because of my kid. She came home in tears that some boys in class were teasing her for being teachers pet because her dad is dating their teacher and is not divorced. Her dad & teacher are adults (or just barely an adult) so whatever but when it affects my kid I am not just going to sit and do nothing.

Update: He removed the last of his things today. We were cordial to each but no mention of the divorce. He just wanted to get his things out as fast as possible. I have mix emotions about this. I thought I was getting stronger but feel like today is a set back and I cannot stop crying.

Sorry you are going through this Snowgirl09. What a betrayal. Not to mention the impact on your kids. Soon the tears will stop, when you realize your husband isn't worth them. Good luck, stay strong.