Asking for input from estranged children

Hello. I'm hoping that I can get some input from adult children who are estranged from their parents.

My youngest son is 28, and has decided that he is going to cut off contact with me. He feels that I abandoned him when he was 10, so he's going to abandon me now. Our family had an extremely difficult time, and there's no doubt this is how he feels.

It's a dilemma for me. He asked that I stop contacting him when he was a teen because he said missing me was too hard with constant contact. I stupidly listened to him.

If I don't reach out to him periodically now, is it another abandonment, or is it respect for his decision?

I am sorry that is so very difficult .

I am pretty much estranged from my father for good reason. We have pretty minimal contact I would say . I see him once a year and I reach out maybe a couple times a Year. Truth be known I do love him but contact with him is very painful . It reminds me that he will never be a dad and never has been .

I truthfully can't tell you what is worse contact or no contact .

My dad is not well though and only has a few years left at the most and I had always wanted to make up with him but I know it's impossible . I guess I would say always try and mend that bond with your child .

I have a friend whose daughter reacted in this way for similar reasons. Her decision was to send cards almost every day that said "I love you".

I think the background matters a lot. Does he have reason to believe he was abandoned at 10? Seems like a pretty brash decision for an assumedly level-headed 28 year old adult to make without some cause. Then again, after reading a lot of pretty menial posts about people lamenting an imperfect upbringing, I'm not trying to assume either way here.

But I do think you know your child better than us and have a much better idea of the circumstances surrounding his decision. I'd act in the way that affords him however much respect is merited.

Is this a stunt that's been pulled before?

I am so, so sorry for the tumultuous situation that you are in - how utterly wrenching!

I wish I had anything to say that could be of real solace here, and I profoundly hope you find brighter days ever so soon.

For whatever it may be worth, I wanted to make a suggestion for your consideration -

In addition to the forum's typically top shelf contributions, not in lieu, by any means - what about keeping a journal *to* your child - your thoughts and feelings, perhaps for sharing later, but maybe not, entirely up to you, but this way you can have 'however often you make entries' logs to demonstrate, 'hey, kidlet, you were never off my mind or out of my heart' in whatever manner you may care to later. Then if present-moment attempts to communicate these experiences are regrettably stymied, you still have them recorded should that prove helpful - and, of course, hopefully it could be a therapeutic endeavor simply in its own right.

I am, again, beyond sympathetic. I wish you the absolute best with this.

I estranged my dad in 2003. Long story. We are still estranged. I also told him that I don't want contact. For a few years, we would see each other a yearly family functions, and it was always horrible for me. Very stressfull. We don't do it now, so he sends cards wit money in them for my Bday and Xmas each year. That is the extent of our contact. I don't reach out. He doesn't know where I liv or my contact info. All the cards go to my mom's house, his former residence.

So. I will say that I would prefer that my dad just not send cards at all. I never cash the cheques he sends. I never send thank you cards. I didn't want this contact. It irritates me. An he pulled a stunt a few years ago where he go my uncle to get my personal address so he could send cards directly to me. His request resulted in my uncle and other family members lying to me to get this info, and when I found out about it I was really hurt and felt like my boundaries had been walked all over.

So yeah. Attempts at further contact have really pissed me off. That's just me, but if your son has explicitly asked you to leave him alone, then you prob should. If there comes a time when he changes his mind and want to open up dialogue again, then maybe you could have been contact then.

I broke contact with my mother due to her toxicity, when I was about 18. She lived til she was 89 so we had a very distant relationship for a long time. Nothing I ever did was right. You do what you feel you have to do. I know the pain you feel, I do understand it. Personally, I'd reach out to him on birthdays, Christmas etc. to let him know you are thinking of him. He will respond as he sees fit. I would not write him off totally, and I'd try a lot harder than my own mother did.

I think we need a lot more info, as to why he feels this way.

what exactly happened when he was 10? Was he in foster care? Has he bounced around between relatives and you didn't raise him after 10? This is not one size fits all advice, a few details on to why he feels you abandoned him would be helpful to know.

If you accepted his wishes as a teen and didn't contact him because he "missed you too much" when you did contact him, I don't blame him for being upset. You were supposed to be the adult and if he missed you so much, then why didn't you go see him instead of retreating farther? Kids and teens don't always know what's best for them sometimes and sometimes they say things that are the opposite of what makes the most sense - they lash out with their feelings. If you did not stay constant in your child's life, and only touch in when you please, I don't blame him for not wanting a conditional relationship. Sometimes people want to sever a relationship to have control over it vs having it and not having control over it.

I think that maybe it would be good to ask him to go to counseling with you so you can both clear the air or write him a long letter explaining what happened and that you were wrong to abandon him again as a teen. Also, have you made an effort to be in his life since, or have you just made the occasional call?

Thank you everyone for your empathy and sharing your thoughts. The most painful part was the agony in his voice when he was talking with me.

You've all given me a lot to think about. I don't want to invade his space, but I don't want to abandon him again, either.

Sincerely, thank you all.

Can't begin to imagine your pain and dismay, mate. We're here. Whenever you need. Please keep us updated, as you are able.

If you accepted his wishes as a teen and didn't contact him because he "missed you too much" when you did contact him, I don't blame him for being upset. You were supposed to be the adult and if he missed you so much, then why didn't you go see him instead of retreating farther? Kids and teens don't always know what's best for them sometimes and sometimes they say things that are the opposite of what makes the most sense - they lash out with their feelings. If you did not stay constant in your child's life, and only touch in when you please, I don't blame him for not wanting a conditional relationship. Sometimes people want to sever a relationship to have control over it vs having it and not having control over it.

 

I think that maybe it would be good to ask him to go to counseling with you so you can both clear the air or write him a long letter explaining what happened and that you were wrong to abandon him again as a teen. Also, have you made an effort to be in his life since, or have you just made the occasional call?

It's a long messy story, but I'll try to keep it condensed. We had moved to the Pacific Northwest after his father died. My oldest son was acting out in the worst ways possible - drugs, drinking, gangs. I sent my younger 2 children to live with people close to us, back in the Midwest where they grew up. It was one of the toughest decisions I've ever had to make. I was trying to fight for all 3 of my kids, and ended up hurting the younger 2 badly.

I stayed in close contact with them, calling and emailing a few times a week, and flying out to see them frequently. After some time, they started telling me it was too painful to stay in contact. It was pretty awful. All I wanted to do was go get them and bring them home. But home wasn't safe. I ended up respecting their request for no contact. I can't express how much I regret that. I've grown a lot in the 15 years since then, but at the time I honestly felt I was a worthless person (my own childhood).

After nearly 3 years of silence, a friend let me know that my daughter was having serious problems. I immediately called the kids, and we began talking again at that point. She was struggling, naturally. They both were. She was heading off to college, and my youngest son wanted to stay where he was. At his age, he had more legal rights on that than I did.

They were angry with me for not calling those 2.5 years. We talked about it, and they said they know what they said about no contact, but wanted me to fight for them. That triggered a whole bunch of stuff in me, but we kept talking...casual talks, and deeper talks.

About 6 months later my youngest son was able to move out with me - my oldest had joined the military. He decided to move back to the Midwest when he was 20, and asked me to follow. I did. We lived separately, but got together most Saturdays for coffee and conversation.

He's been struggling with drinking, but has been mostly sober this past year. He got fired from a series of jobs. He's starting truck driving school next week, his girlfriend broke up with him so he's staying in a hotel, and ... yesterday, all of this.

He said I made him feel worthless. It kills me to think he feels this way, and worse that I was the cause. We've been pretty close the past several years, and he's never said anything like this before. If this is how he feels, then it's necessary for him to tell me, and get it out. If he needs to stop contact with me to heal, then I'll pay that price, too. But there's that part of me that says they've tested me before and I failed. Is he testing me again? I honestly don't know.

eta - after the 2.5 year period apart, we've all stayed in contact through college, the military, weddings, moves around the country, etc.

Why didn't you send the oldest to a residential rehab program instead of sending your other kids away? Why did you not move to be near relatives who could help you who could have tag teamed with you instead of sending your kids away? I am going to agree with them - how could you as a mother not speak to your minor kids for several years??? That just completely blows me out of the water. Yes, I don't blame him - he lost his dad, and then his mom pretty much abandoned him in favor of one sibling over the other. I don't see after your husband died why you wouldn't want to hold on tight to the kids that were a part of him. There were no jobs in the midwest where you could have family to be you backup when you needed it? You have "stayed in contact" - but you have not been their mom since he was 10.

I am sorry that this wound is not something you can heal just like that. If this child just wanted his mom to fight for him as much as she did for his older brother, then maybe you have to fight for your kids - one last effort - move heaven and earth to be near them and any grandkids you may have. If you are just keeping in touch with birthday cards and catch up calls that you would do with a friend or a nephew then you have to do more than that.

I highly suggest going to counseling to sort this out before you make a decision if you are on the fence about what to do - but either way, you have to stop with the contact that means nothing to him - acting like a mom who is touching base while she is on vacation. Have you ever had an honest talk about what really happened. I think you should tell him that you understand how he feels, but before he considers cutting you off, you want to meet with him in person and talk.

If you had been a physically abusive mom, I would say just accept his wishes. But in this case he doesn't want to hear from you because you did not fight for him, so i would think a little fighting for him if its not too little too late is highly in order.

Wow. Oregon didn't have any programs open to my oldest son, and my relatives are not the helpful supportive kind.

I don't blame my son, either. You won't find a single word of blame against him in my thread.

I'm applying this to myself, first and foremost. I know that we want to help. We're fresh eyes, we're clever folk, we have strong opinions.

Super news for team enotalone, by all means, truly.

I just want to make sure that in our zest to assist, we remember that not all dilemmas brought to the boards are created equal. Some inherently require - and deserve - a gentle touch and a careful ear.

I'm not suggesting that we muzzle ourselves or each other or treat fellow posters with condescending kid gloves and sugar coated responses.

But I don't think we'd do anyone a disservice to step back before hitting the submit button from time to time, and make sure we're being reasonably sensitive.

This is the best site of its kind I've seen. Let's keep doing it proud.

i think regarding past regrets...shoulda coulda is one of the worst forms of self-sabotage in the form of aimless guilt. i've rarely, really really rarely met parents who didn't claim with perfect honesty that they loved their children beyond words and would do whatever they thought best for their children, to the best of their abilities, and i meet plenty. careless ones are extremely rare, struggling ones lacking a response to family crisis they would be happy with and that would serve the family optimally are as close to a rule as it gets though. i've read enough of HOH's posts to think it safe to assume she's not a heartless psychopath who distanced her children because she didn't care. rather, i want to emphasize the "to the best of their abilities" part. people facing distressing situations don't as a rule encounter said situations fully equipped to handle them optimally. as far as people in crisis are concerned, i think we often forget they're doing their absolute best. one's absolute best is hardly ever enough in extreme situations.

HOH, i apologize, my brain is acting up today and i'm having a little trouble following which child is which, so i hope that i correctly gather the son who was abandoned at ten is the son who was just now going through a hard time, and in this mess, he suddenly decided he wants no contact, sounding distressed? if so, i'll resort to a clumsy translation of a saying the natives have where i live that a dish is rarely eaten as hot as it is served. he's emotional and all over the place and sounds like the girlfriend's abandonment triggered the abandonment issue from before and he's just impulsively cutting people off in his conviction noone genuinely wants him anyway.

i agree with abit, don't cut him off. you make an effort, regardless of whether he responds or not. at some point a child can decide it's too late to try to patch things up, but they will generally not resent a parent for efforts to mend things regardless, whereas abandonment is frequently resented for life.

i would go all out- tell him i'd like us to take family counseling, tell him the line of communication is always always open on my end no matter what, tell him i don't want him concluding that he is unwanted, admit to my past and present moral dilemma of wanting a relationship with him while also feeling like i have failed him enough for him to think i don't deserve one, and that nothing would be as satisfying and as much of an honor for me as to have a parent-child relationship of the kind that ideally would've been there all along. that i will respect any decision he makes, and that i will be fully available anytime he might want to take me up on the offer.

Would you consider asking him to family counseling with you? Let him work it out with a therapist's help? Sounds like he's having a tough time, and while it's not unusual to blame our parents when we are in our 20's, it sounds like some healing would help in this case. I'm not blaming either of you; I don't know what I would have done in your shoes.

I think you should keep trying to interact with him . Every child wants to know that they are loved by their parents even if they are an adult .

I'm grateful for your thoughtful, kind posts.

I know that I tried my best save all 3 of them. I know I've hurt them terribly, in spite of my intentions. I've learned to quit feeling shame, and that has let me be open and honest with them all. It's let me listen to them express their pain to me, without being defensive, without making excuses. I sit, listen, and cry. I haven't reached the point yet where I can verbalize how I feel with any clarity. I express my love for them and how sorry I am. That's as far as I've been able to get.

I tried very hard to be a good mom, but I ultimately I wasn't. That's where it all freezes. My children all have to decide if they can live with me as I was and as I am, or if it's best for them to stop the relationship. They've never said I'm toxic or abusive in any way. It's the fact that I abandoned my younger 2 children.

On therapy...my oldest and I have been in and out together many times, usually court ordered. He said he hated me because I dressed him in red polo shorts, khakis, and hiking boots when he was little. He hated being dressed like a preppy. Our therapists assured me he lashed out at me because I was the one person he knew would love him no matter what. I'm still not sure what I think of that.

My daughter will be a therapist in two months. She's very open about her abandonment issues that I caused. It seems she's been analyzing me as well, because recently she's made comments about my abandonment issues. She recommended EMDR therapy for me. She assures she me she knows I love her. We're working toward a closer relationship, not with any pressure...just finding things in common and enjoying our time together. She let me help with her wedding, and we had a great time. She wants me to move near her. We are all taking our time thinking on it to be sure it's the right thing.

My youngest....he's never expressed anything like this before. He's always assured me he understood everything far more than I knew. In retrospect, I guess he was brushing off my attempts to discuss it. Therapy would be good for us. I'm sure I can find someone who would be willing to use Skype or something. My son is in the Midwest, and I moved south almost two years ago. He was planning to move with me, but changed his mind at the last minute to move in with his girlfriend...the one who just broke up with him.

I will tell you that when he started yelling, part of me was cheering him on. Not because he was yelling at me, but because he was finally standing up for himself. He was finally saying he's worthy of a good life, of being loved, of not being abandoned.

Keep trying. Keep telling all of them that you love them . ❤ I know I can tell you from my experience I wish more than anything that my dad would give it a try with me and my brother but he just ..... can't . So your kids are so lucky that they have a mother that wants to be there for them .

Can you go visit him? Or offer him tickets to visit you in the south? (Even if he doesn't want to see you, he might be open to a trip south, and can decide to see you or not when there.)

Your kids were abandoned by their father. The ultimate "abandonment" is death, right? From what I understand about grief, children may have a limited ability to process grief and it arises for more processing at different phases of life. You all had grieving to do, and probably still do. Their pain and difficulties are not all on you, but I encourage you to explore possible healing steps. He may not have all the maturity needed to fully process it all (his father's absence, and yours), but my hope is that he moves forward. (I know too many adults in their 60's and 70s who still feel "wronged" by their parents during their upbringing, and it affects their ability to cope with the present.)

My youngest....he's never expressed anything like this before. He's always assured me he understood everything far more than I knew. In retrospect, I guess he was brushing off my attempts to discuss it. Therapy would be good for us. I'm sure I can find someone who would be willing to use Skype or something. My son is in the Midwest, and I moved south almost two years ago. He was planning to move with me, but changed his mind at the last minute to move in with his girlfriend...the one who just broke up with him.

What about relocating to where he is? He shouldn't need to make an effort to be with you (him moving to the south), its time for you to make a grand gesture - to fight for him, so to speak. Having him make the effort for Skype therapy to be convenient for you, etc, may not cut it here. You may just have the one chance to salvage a relationship with him. MAYBE he'll reach out if he has kids eventually, but he keeps getting the message that its on your terms, when its convenient for you.

Wow. Oregon didn't have any programs open to my oldest son, and my relatives are not the helpful supportive kind.

 

I don't blame my son, either. You won't find a single word of blame against him in my thread.

But your youngest could blame your oldest. That's what I wondered.

Who were your other kids with, then, if your family was not supportive? I assumed with family? And if there were no programs open in Oregon - why did you not relocate to the Midwest to be with your other two - or move everyone to where it made sense to get your oldest treatment? Just trying to understand...

Anyway - my family moved around a lot so to get control over the situation - instead of staying put when they decided they were done with moving around - i moved to the other side of the country. You would thought I would have sought stability, but it was really about having control. He is taking control back now from your convenience by telling you he doesn't want to hear from you at all - even though a present mother is what he craves the most. At least he has control, in his mind, over the situation and you are not allowed to just poke in when convenient for you. I wouldn't accept it from him - but at the same time, you can't sit there from another part of the country and keep status quo if you really want to salvage a relationship.

I need to process the thoughts and advice shared here. Again, thank you. It all helps.

My youngest is leaving for truck driving school this week. After that, he'll be driving all over the country. If he's agreeable to therapy, we'd have to Skype.

I sent him a message today. I felt a phone call would be too intrusive, plus he can re-read my message as much as he wants, or delete it. I basically said how sorry I was for hurting him, that I'm flawed. I told him I love him. That he deserves a good life, he's worth it. I said that if needed to cut off contact with me to heal, then do it. Whatever it takes. I also said I wanted a relationship with him, but I will respect his decision. I ended with another I love you.

Abitbroken, I appreciate your efforts to help. I truly do. I'm not ignoring you, but I am intentionally steering away from lots of detail. The most important thing to me here is my son, and how he feels.

There have been many responses here that break my heart with their honesty and pain. So many stories that didn't go right, and yet everyone here has managed to create a life for themselves...and kept a good heart. I know this because you all wouldn't be using your time to help strangers if you weren't loving people. I am amazed by you all. Thank you.

I keep trying to get outside of me, and stay there. What I mean is, I could talk about me, make excuses, plead my case, explain why I'm so flawed. But it's not about me. It's about them. What is the best action for them, not in the immediate sense, but long term.

And looking at it that way, I see I've messed up again. If this were my daughter instead of me, I'd respond in a completely different way than I actually do. There's a big part of me that feels I deserve to be punished, that I was never worthy of my children.

And it's another form of wallowing. I have to somehow push all of that aside, and focus on what's best for them. I'm glad I sent the message to my youngest.

I can't allow them to keep blaming me for things that go wrong in their lives. I have to lovingly, firmly let them decide if they can forgive me or not, move forwards or not.

Whether he decides to keep our relationship or not, it's harmful to him to keep defining himself and his life by my failure during those 3 years.