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Can't get over girlfriends past


jenkinsbob623

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I've been dating this girl for about 5 months and its going great. The only issue is that I can't get over her sexual history. There are several things I can't get over. First, she's slept with a lot of people, 7 other guys and one girl, and that was all before her senior year of high school. Maybe its just cause I only had one sexual relationship in high school, but that seems like way too much to me. In addition, she's only dated three guys before me. Three of the other guys she slept with and the girl were people she vaguely knew who asked her if she wanted to hook up. The final guy (who wasn't a bf or guy she vaguely knew) is her best friend. She said that right after they both agreed it was a mistake and they've remained best friends since. I don't have a problem with them still being friends and I trust her, but it adds to the uncomfortableness.

 

Also, I've figured out, from casual comments, that she has done anal (don't know with how many people or how many times) and that she has gone skinny-dipping. None of those are big issues in themselves, just all small things adding up. I want to ask her how many guys have seen her naked, and how many people she's had sexual contact with, because although I know she slept with a lot of people, I don't know if she was so loose that she gave random guys blowjobs or let them touch her. All of this stuff is driving me crazy, I can't stop thinking about it, and it's torturing me. I don't know why I can't stop thinking about it I just can't. I know I should just get over it, and I really really wish I could, I just don't know how. Anyway, my question is, how should I proceed in trying to get over this? Any tips? Should I ask her about how many people have seen her naked, and if she has done sexual things with more than the 8 other people she's slept with? Its killing me to not know, because I'm terrified of what the answers will be. It's hard to deal with knowing shes been with 8 people, I don't know if I could handle knowing shes done more. Should I ask her, or should I just not talk about it, and try to not think about what I already know?

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You get over it by acknowledging and accepting the stark reality that you have no business being privy to it.

 

I'm not going to dignify your judgment(s) on it because *you have no business being privy to it.*

 

Beyond providing you with a clean bill of health before becoming intimate with you, she has no obligation to confess her past physical a/o sexual history to you.

 

The idea that you would use the information she shared with you as a reference chart to gauge/demand/assess/judge what she does or does not do now a/o with you is appalling and reprehensible.

 

At best.

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Her past is none of your business. This fwb she has however is more of a concern than "who has seen her nude" etc. It sounds like you are jealous of her experience and that you want what all the others got.

 

Are you using her because you think "she's loose"? You seem to have zero respect for her as a person and seem obsessed with who came before you and what you'll get out of this sexually.

 

It sounds like you just like hearing about this stuff because you are turned on by it. But you have no right to ask and she doesn't have to tell you.

The final guy (who wasn't a bf or guy she vaguely knew) is her best friend. She said that right after they both agreed it was a mistake and they've remained best friends since.I want to ask her how many guys have seen her naked, and how many people she's had sexual contact with, because although I know she slept with a lot of people, I don't know if she was so loose that she gave random guys blowjobs or let them touch her.
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I am not using her because I think she's loose. I don't think she is loose anymore, her personality is beautiful and she seems like the exact opposite kind of girl. I was shocked when she first told me about what she was like in high school. I do not like hearing this stuff at all, much less am I turned on by it. It makes me furious and depressed and sick to my stomach when I hear about it. But I can't stop thinking about it and I don't know why. This has nothing to do with what I want out of our relationship, I am happy with what I am getting. I guess this post would be better in a mental health forum. I don't know why I am torturing myself by thinking of this because it kills me, but I can't stop thinking about it. I don't know if I should try to just not think about it, which I've been trying for the past month, it hasn't been working too well, or if I should ask her these questions, and see if finding out the extent of everything will help put my mind at ease. But I understand that it is none of my business, so I will take that and try to just move on. None of this was supposed to be a criticism of her, I know she can't change her past. I recognize that the problem lies with me and my inability to accept her past, and that a normal person wouldn't care about this.

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I used to be concerned about these things when I was younger, but you can't obsess about your girlfriend's past. I dated a much older man and couldn't cope with the fact that he had so many more partners than I had. He remained friends with a lot of these partners, and it bothered me for a long time. Then I realized it just doesn't matter. It doesn't.

 

The number of people someone is intimate with is irrelevant, they're just blips in the past. It was before you. You have no control over it. Trying to make her feel shamed for her sex positive past is not going to do you any favors with her. She can't take it back, she likely has moved beyond it, you need to find a way to do that as well, or leave her alone.

 

All that really matters, honestly, is that she is committed to you now.

 

And lastly, but very importantly, just because she tried something before (anal) does not mean she is obligated to try it with you. I please, please understand that.

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And lastly, but very importantly, just because she tried something before (anal) does not mean she is obligated to try it with you. I please, please understand that.

 

Understood, I regret putting that into my original post. That was not the point of the post. I guess it reveals that I do have a bit of a grudge about that, but thats for me to deal with, and thats not what the focus was supposed to be. I included it because that is one of the things that I can't stop thinking about (that she has done it) and it is one of the things driving me crazy, which, I know, is unreasonable and I should just get over it. I wish I could.

 

Thank you for the advice

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I've been dating this girl for about 5 months and its going great. The only issue is that I can't get over her sexual history. There are several things I can't get over. First, she's slept with a lot of people, 7 other guys and one girl, and that was all before her senior year of high school. Maybe its just cause I only had one sexual relationship in high school, but that seems like way too much to me. In addition, she's only dated three guys before me. Three of the other guys she slept with and the girl were people she vaguely knew who asked her if she wanted to hook up. The final guy (who wasn't a bf or guy she vaguely knew) is her best friend. She said that right after they both agreed it was a mistake and they've remained best friends since. I don't have a problem with them still being friends and I trust her, but it adds to the uncomfortableness.

 

Also, I've figured out, from casual comments, that she has done anal (don't know with how many people or how many times), that she is unwilling to try it with me, and that she has gone skinny-dipping. None of those are big issues in themselves, just all small things adding up. I want to ask her how many guys have seen her naked, and how many people she's had sexual contact with, because although I know she slept with a lot of people, I don't know if she was so loose that she gave random guys blowjobs or let them touch her. Anyway, my question is, how should I proceed in trying to get over this? Any tips? Should I ask her about how many people have seen her naked, and if she has done sexual things with more than the 8 other people she's slept with? Its killing me to not know, because I'm terrified of what the answers will be. It's hard to deal with knowing shes been with 8 people, I don't know if I could handle knowing shes done more. Should I ask her, or should I just not talk about it, and try to not think about what I already know?

 

How would this information benefit you in ANY way? Why are you so concentrated on it? I imagine I'm quite a bit older than you, so I assume the men I'm with or will be with have had many sexual partners. Unless it affects me (i.e. they have a STD) it's really none of my business but honestly doesn't affect me in any way unless they've only been with a couple women and they suck in bed.

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How would this information benefit you in ANY way? Why are you so concentrated on it?

 

It wouldn't, but for some reason I can't stop thinking about it. I don't know why I'm so concentrated on it. I wish I wasn't. I don't want to think about it. I have been trying to not think about it, but I can't help constantly wondering what the full extent of it is. I don't know if finding out everything would make it better or worse. Most of the responses have been focused on the fact that I shouldn't care, which I know, and that's why I shouldn't ask. But I do care, it's driving me crazy. What I want to know is if anyone thinks that asking these questions and finding out everything will help put my mind at ease or just make everything worse.

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It will not put your mind at ease because your behaviors seem to be OCD with intrusive and circular thoughts.

 

Working with a therapist is the only way to solve this issue.

 

I too have OCD with occasional intrusive thoughts. I use CBT to reroute my thoughts. For example, when I have an intrusive thought I tell myself "that's an intrusive thought with no basis in reality". And it actually works. I'll also tell myself "this way of thinking will get me nowhere" when I start obsessing about something. Doing this helps, a lot, because instead of my thoughts controlling me I have learned to control my thoughts.

 

Maybe you can try something like this if you don't have access to a therapist.

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Agree the obsession is your problem. It sounds like jealousy and insecurity that grilling her and humiliating her won't help. Yes, get mental health help. What about when you get older? What if you date women with kids? Will you need a video of childbirth to make you feel better that you "know everything"?

I can't help constantly wondering what the full extent of it is.
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This is not for you to get over. You need to either let. It. Go.

 

Or let this poor girl go.

 

I ardently hope it is the latter. Particularly after I read your comment in which you at last acknowledge that you are embittered that she has had a full physical and sexual experience and you haven't..

 

And despite your unctuous, sanctimonious, scarlet-letter branding of this poor woman ('loose,' really? You think that she is 'loose' - or rather, you have generously determined that she isn't loose 'anymore?..' Did she pass the water test? Have you weighed her against a duck?), you sullenly whine about her having anal sex.. But not with you.. Which is her greater offense there, in your mind, by the by?

 

Irrespective of whatever category you pick to post, please do seek mental health assistance in your interpersonal relations, by all means. On this point, we do agree.

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I definitely think it will make your insecurity worse. You can either leave her alone or find a different woman. My ex asked every little detail about my sex life. All I knew about her is she took a high % of virgins. But me at my age even though boring to most I've had partners. She used this info against me. It's something she can't change. What if she was with 1 person but tried everything under the sun and had sex 1000 times. Does it really make a difference. I'd be more worried about her being sexual so quick not what they did after the fact that's all irrelevant.

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This is not for you to get over. You need to either let. It. Go.

 

Or let this poor girl go.

 

I ardently hope it is the latter. Particularly after I read your comment in which you at last acknowledge that you are embittered that she has had a full physical and sexual experience and you haven't..

 

And despite your unctuous, sanctimonious, scarlet-letter branding of this poor woman ('loose,' really? You think that she is 'loose' - or rather, you have generously determined that she isn't loose 'anymore?..' Did she pass the water test? Have you weighed her against a duck?), you sullenly whine about her having anal sex.. But not with you.. Which is her greater offense there, in your mind, by the by?

 

Wow, ok. I do think she was loose in the past. I'm sorry but in my book sleeping with that number of people at that age in that time period qualifies. And no, I don't think she is anymore, she used to hook up with guys she didn't know and doesn't anymore. Don't know how else to put it. And yes, I am aware that I need mental help, that isn't a surprise to me. And yeah, her not being willing to try it did "embitter" me a bit, which yes, thinking about it, is ridiculous and I feel bad about it, but if we were all judged by our un-acted-upon feelings and urges, we'd all go to hell. I realize that it's not ok for me to feel that way and I'd never ever say an unkind word to her about not wanting to do it with me. It was a regrettable emotion that I recognize is wrong, but we all have unreasonable emotions, like sometimes when someone's pissed off they might want to fight someone over something that isn't the person's fault. But I don't think that makes them a bad person.

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Wow, ok. I do think she was loose in the past. I'm sorry but in my book sleeping with that number of people at that age in that time period qualifies. And no, I don't think she is anymore, she used to hook up with guys she didn't know and doesn't anymore. Don't know how else to put it. And yes, I am aware that I need mental help, that isn't a surprise to me. And yeah, her not being willing to try it did "embitter" me a bit, which yes, thinking about it, is ridiculous and I feel bad about it, but if we were all judged by our un-acted-upon feelings and urges, we'd all go to hell. I realize that it's not ok for me to feel that way and I'd never ever say an unkind word to her about not wanting to do it with me. It was a regrettable emotion that I recognize is wrong, but we all have unreasonable emotions, like sometimes when someone's pissed off they might want to fight someone over something that isn't the person's fault. But I don't think that makes them a bad person.

 

Please clarify this.

 

Are you.. Are you objecting to being judged?

 

If so, what offended your sensibilities, exactly?

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I am going to differ from others who say "its none of your business". Its not any of your business who she slept with, but it is your business not to be okay with it if you only view sex in the context of a loving relationship and her behavior shows that she sees sex as a handshake. its incompatibility and you should listen to it. Having another partner than you is whatever, but the fact that its with girls, its with guys, etc, its promiscuous, I would be a bit wary. I would insist on both being tested and I would decide if you think she truly wants the same things as you do. I agree 7 partners before her senior year in high school - she was a child - and its not someone I would want to be involved with - but that's up to you to decide if she has changed. And again, its not a partner count, its how someone views sex. You clearly view it differently than she does and that could be a problem.

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This is not about her or nude or bjs or anal...it's about you. Start helping yourself through information and then seeing a therapist jealousy[/url]

I am aware that I need mental help, that isn't a surprise to me.
"Where retroactive jealousy tends to differ from fairly standard, run-of-the-mill jealousy in relationships is its often compulsive, obsessive nature: sufferers of retroactive jealousy tend to get caught in a loop of obsessive thoughts, painful emotions, inconsiderate and irrational actions, and subsequent self-loathing.

 

Sufferers of retroactive jealousy tend ask their partner a host of questions about their past, replaying the same jealous thoughts and “mental movies” in their head again and again, and endlessly overthink their condition, rather than taking the necessary steps to put their jealousy behind them, and overcome it.

 

Some people describe retroactive jealousy as a form of obsessive compulsive disorder. OCD is defined as “an anxiety disorder characterized by intrusive thoughts that produce uneasiness, apprehension, fear, or worry; by repetitive behaviours aimed at reducing the associated anxiety; or by a combination of such obsessions and compulsions.” "

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Please clarify this.

 

Are you.. Are you objecting to being judged?

 

If so, what offended your sensibilities, exactly?

 

I'm sorry, I'm kind of overly sensitive and your judgement of me seemed unfair. I wasn't whining about her having anal sex. The things I said in my original post are the things that I can't stop obsessing over that I really don't enjoy thinking about. Including that she is unwilling to do it with me was a subconscious outlet of my feelings of bitterness that she isn't willing to do it with me. That was wrong of me. But I'd never shame her for it or use that against her or hurt her in any way. I haven't told her about any of these feelings because it would make her feel awful and I know it's me being ridiculous. I know that my feelings are irrational and wrong, and I haven't/won't act on them, so I feel like your comment was unjust. I usually don't mind being judged online, but when you said that you hope I leave her based on what I've posted here, that hurt. I know I am the cause of this problem and I'm really trying to fix it, she isn't being harmed by these irrational feelings/thoughts, so I don't see why you would wish that on us.

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This is not about her or nude or bjs or anal...it's about you. Start helping yourself through information and then seeing a therapist jealousy[/url]"Where retroactive jealousy tends to differ from fairly standard, run-of-the-mill jealousy in relationships is its often compulsive, obsessive nature: sufferers of retroactive jealousy tend to get caught in a loop of obsessive thoughts, painful emotions, inconsiderate and irrational actions, and subsequent self-loathing.

 

Sufferers of retroactive jealousy tend ask their partner a host of questions about their past, replaying the same jealous thoughts and “mental movies” in their head again and again, and endlessly overthink their condition, rather than taking the necessary steps to put their jealousy behind them, and overcome it.

 

Some people describe retroactive jealousy as a form of obsessive compulsive disorder. OCD is defined as “an anxiety disorder characterized by intrusive thoughts that produce uneasiness, apprehension, fear, or worry; by repetitive behaviours aimed at reducing the associated anxiety; or by a combination of such obsessions and compulsions.” "

 

There's a name for it? This sounds exactly like what I've been doing to myself. Thank you, if it's a real thing I'm sure I can find all the help I need online. How do I mark this thread as resolved or delete it?

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Perhaps you did not read my questions?

 

How did I judge you?

 

What comment did I make that was unjust?

 

When did I recommend that you leave her based on your private thoughts, alone? Are you confused over the very different point that I made when I responded to your repeated statements that you were unable to get 'over her past' by suggesting that you instead let go of your abuse of your dubiously obtained information about her past, and if you also would not or could not do that, at that juncture, you need to let this poor woman go, instead, rather than torture her with your self-admitted mental instability in this situation any further?

 

Follow up question: when did I wish harm on you and or this poor woman?

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I am another OCD sufferer and have been down the road you are on , I was very aware that my train of thought was taking me to hell and back and that it would solve nothing but to cause me pain . I have ruminated over the every detail that was given to me and filled in the gaps myself ..

 

Read up as much as you can about CBT and start the practice , I still have to do it daily , not in regards to anything relationship themed , but life in general .

 

As for relationships , well I learnt to NOT ask and made it clear I don't want details ... I am 50 so there is no way in hell I will meet someone with out a past ... but I am old enough and ugly enough to speak up for myself , recognise it is OCD and recognise it is irrational and to give into the thoughts is to let the OCD win . I often use a very simple technique of shouting ( or in my head ) STOP ... then the thoughts return , so I say STOP and carry on till my brain is redirected into something else . It is hard work mate , but worth it , because you will keep doing it , no matter who you are with and OCD feeds off a weak mind .

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Perhaps you did not read my questions?

 

How did I judge you?

 

What comment did I make that was unjust?

 

When did I recommend that you leave her based on your private thoughts, alone? Are you confused over the very different point that I made when I responded to your repeated statements that you were unable to get 'over her past' by suggesting that you instead let go of your abuse of your dubiously obtained information about her past, and if you also would not or could not do that, at that juncture, you need to let this poor woman go, instead, rather than torture her with your self-admitted mental instability in this situation any further?

 

Follow up question: when did I wish harm on you and or this poor woman?

 

"This poor woman" implies I am inflicting pain on her. We are very happy, she got out of an abusive relationship a year ago, and she doesn't know about what I'm struggling with. I love her more than anything and I believe her when she says that she loves me and is happy with me. Implying that our relationship is bad for her hurt me, the idea of that being true is unthinkable, because the last thing I want is to hurt her and I can't even imagine having to leave her because I am causing her pain. Sorry if i misinterpreted, but what I got from it was that you were saying I was hurting her, and staying in the relationship would be harming her and helping me. You stated two options, getting over it or leaving her, and that you hoped it would be the latter, due to one of my remarks, which I took, in combination with calling her "this poor girl," as you believing I am bad for her and that I should leave her for her sake. And the idea of that is very painful to me. I don't believe it, but it hurt me to think that that was an outside observer's take on the situation. Again, I'm sorry if I misinterpreted.

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