Boundaries with boyfriend's Ex-wife...HELP

My boyfriend was married for 13 years (from the age of 18-31) has been divorced for a little over 3 years and they have a 7 year old son together. We have been together for 2 years. There are no hard feelings and they have a great working relationship. We recently bought a house in her neighborhood, only a few streets away. We get along great. In fact, she calls me more to talk about things or update us on their son, than she does my boyfriend. The issue that I am having is that she will come over to talk about their son and then the conversations end up veering on her bringing up past memories with my boyfriend, whether that be reminiscing about his family, reminiscing about the river that they used to spend a lot of time at (and now we do), making comments about the fact that they had so many great times out there. She will bring up awkward stories like reminiscing about the birth of their son and her pregnancy. The list goes on. It doesn’t happen every single time, but it happens pretty regularly. It makes me very uncomfortable. Normally my boyfriend doesn’t really humor her and carry on the conversation but last night this very same thing happened (when she was talking about the river) and he chimed in on just about every story that she told. I don’t want to hear about that. Of course we all have a past and I am very accepting of their relationship, I just don’t appreciate having to hear about their past all of the time. After she left, he could tell I was frustrated by it and brought it up. I told him how I felt and that it was more frustrating that this time he chimed in. needless to say, there is now tension between he and I at the moment. I am just not sure how to deal with it. Before all of this started happening, she has had the habit of posting past memories on Facebook that reference my boyfriend, who taught her how to cook, and she will go off on a tangent praising him for having made her love cooking these days. Another post, she posted a picture to his wall of something funny of a naked guy on a bike riding through the woods and said it looked like something he would do. Sometimes I just think she has no tact and other times I wonder if she hasn’t let go of him. Either way, it makes me uncomfortable. Do you think I have anything to be questioning? How does this situation look to you?

Well... who cares what she says. Make yourself less available for conversation. She isn't being a friend to you. Exit. Leave the room, go to the kitchen, whatever. If its the two of you only, walk out the door. Get her out of your home.

Or say, yes, BF has fond memories of those trips. I am glad to go the river too.

You know what his memories are. Own them same as she does.

She is free to be as nutty as she likes. You dont have to listen.

But she reminisces to both my boyfriend and I when we are all sitting together. I don't feel like it is appropriate, whether I'm around to hear it or not and i'm not sure how to handle it.

She sounds like a lonely woman who doesn't have enough going on in her own life. Your guy has clearly moved on, and sounds committed to you... that's what you need to know.

I appreciate that it must be very boring and frustrating for you to have to listen to all this stuff; does she have any plans for the future? Would it be worth your while asking about what she does these days? Whatever, don't feel duty bound to stick around when she's reminiscing about the past. Chances are, that's all she's got to talk about.

If it makes you uncomfortable then he should respect that. His ex needs to respect the fact that you are his woman now. There's nothing wrong with sharing memories as long as there is a mutual understanding and respect to where everyone stands.

I would have a heart to heart with either your boyfriend and/or the ex. Tell them something along the lines of "It's hard to build new memories, when you keep reliving old ones, I understand you have had some great times together and I am happy that you had them, but I find it awkward to hear the stories all the time".

Most exes have a co-parent business only relationship that alleviates this problem.

Which includes doorway drop offs, and brief conversations (logistical, etc).

I worry that your boyfriend and the ex have some unfinished business and aren't 100% over each other... and that will stall the progress of your relationship dramatically.

But she reminisces to both my boyfriend and I when we are all sitting together. I don't feel like it is appropriate, whether I'm around to hear it or not and i'm not sure how to handle it.

I dont think its appropriate either, except on occasion.

You will do better with grace than you will with complaints. 1. Stop assuming what her deal is. It doesn't matter. 2. Own it that you don't like to hear them remenisce. 3. Drop an argument about right wrong. Blame won't help. Your feelingd and your kindness are your strongest cards here.

"BF, those memories were a fun and important part of your life. I get that and I don't want to take that away from you. I feel left out and also, I don't like thinking of you with anyone else. Can you make suggestions how we can handle this? Maybe, hold my hand extra? Or tell a story about us?"

She is single and def seems lonely. I talk to her about any aspects of her life that she wants to share. She talks about all kinds of things, from her job, to where she wants to be in the future, (to which she always finds some way to relate it to my boyfriend and her-as in makes comments about how she knows he will and then laughs, as if to point out just how well they know each other...)We have a pretty good relationship otherwise honestly. Slowly we are becoming "closer" but I am fighting the "friendship" that is budding...not wanting to get that close to her. I've never dated anyone with a child and had to deal with an ex like this ALL of the time. So this is all new to me...well 2 years new...but nonetheless...I still have reservations...i guess i hate having to be around her soooo often, knowing they were together for so long, and then having to hear all of the reminiscing memories that they have shared...

Talk to him about it, it seems rude. If it's your home too talk about her not hanging around so much. Stay on point, pick your battles forget about her social media musings.

We recently bought a house in her neighborhood, only a few streets away. Normally my boyfriend doesn’t really humor her and carry on the conversation. he could tell I was frustrated by it and brought it up.

I replied to you a few posts down..tried to delete and link it to your comment but failed....new to this forum and learning the ropes..

I would have a heart to heart with either your boyfriend and/or the ex. Tell them something along the lines of "It's hard to build new memories, when you keep reliving old ones, I understand you have had some great times together and I am happy that you had them, but I find it awkward to hear the stories all the time".

Most exes have a co-parent business only relationship that alleviates this problem.

Which includes doorway drop offs, and brief conversations (logistical, etc).

 

I worry that your boyfriend and the ex have some unfinished business and aren't 100% over each other... and that will stall the progress of your relationship dramatically.

I was super worried about him still holding on in the beginning, but he has given me SO much reassurance that he does not want her back and would never in a million years go back to her, telling me how much more amazing I am than she ever was but that of course he would rather have a great working relationship with the mother of his child. I definitely agree with that last part, and find it hard to disbelieve him on his feelings, as he honestly has never given me any reason to not trust him.

He does get extremely frustrated with me when I show these frustrations after she leaves, and says stuff like, "I am never going to get past this," or "She is always going to be a problem in our relationship isn't she." And i feel like its dismissing to my feelings.

Thanks for the advise on what to say if I choose to address it. I think that's a very good way of going about it.

I was super worried about him still holding on in the beginning, but he has given me SO much reassurance that he does not want her back and would never in a million years go back to her, telling me how much more amazing I am than she ever was but that of course he would rather have a great working relationship with the mother of his child. I definitely agree with that last part, and find it hard to disbelieve him on his feelings, as he honestly has never given me any reason to not trust him.

It could only be her that isn't over him yet then. I assume she is single, and she has nothing going on in her life that pulls her away from these thoughts.

Still boundaries need to be set on how close she gets with you and your boyfriend.

It could only be her that isn't over him yet then. I assume she is single, and she has nothing going on in her life that pulls her away from these thoughts.

Still boundaries need to be set on how close she gets with you and your boyfriend.

She is single, but did recently start talking to a guy again (the only person she's dated since their divorce) that she dated at the end of last year. She openly talked to us about that last night also. So its just all so weird. Most of the time she really does seem like she has good intentions and is a really nice/thoughtful person (she bought a card and tulips for their son to give me on my birthday last week)...but sometimes her actions make me question her....It is such a unique situation...

She is single, but did recently start talking to a guy again (the only person she's dated since their divorce) that she dated at the end of last year. She openly talked to us about that last night also. So its just all so weird. Most of the time she really does seem like she has good intentions and is a really nice/thoughtful person (she bought a card and tulips for their son to give me on my birthday last week)...but sometimes her actions make me question her....It is such a unique situation...

It just sounds as though she's too self-absorbed to realise that she's being inappropriate; she's treating you both as though you're friends of hers with no other emotional history.

I'm guessing that if she gets another worthwhile relationship, it will put an end to all this...

Why is he frustrated with you over feelings that are legitimate to have? I'm sure he wouldn't like you reminiscing with your ex in front of him. The past is the past. I understand they have a lot of history but what is the purpose of reliving those memories? Is she trying to remind him of what they have or prove something to you? Is she trying to rekindle old feelings? It's not wise to assume but it's also unwise to leave hidden motives unchecked. Either way, You shouldn't let her come in between what you have with your man. Your memories, though not as many are not less significant. If she wants to share, you can share too. Be witty and be wise and definitely set those boundaries ! He needs to be on the same page with you as well

OP, we can't change other people. So let's talk about your own boundaries. 1. You have allowed her to feel as a friend to you. Would you choose her as a friend if she weren't already in your lives? If not, then don't make her a friend now. Be friendly, but not a friend. Do not share your own stories, and cut short her visits.

2. To accomplish #1, you need to study how to maintain a boundary for yourself, in a kind manner. This is a skill. There used to be a column in the US newspapers - well there still is, by her daughter now, I think - called Miss Manners. Miss Manners was great at giving examples of how to do this. Some concrete suggestions: When she is coming over, plan a reason for the two of you - or the three of you meaning with the son - to leave. Something to which she would not be invited. If you are the only one home, then make an appointment to take the boy out for a haircut. 3. Talk to her directly. Nicely. Put her in your shoes. Prepare to help her deal with whatever bubbles up. This approach requires a lot of thought. "ExW, I like how warmly we are able to visit with each other. I value you, and I appreciate your company. I want to talk to you about something, and I hope you will understand... ."

Why is he frustrated with you over feelings that are legitimate to have? I'm sure he wouldn't like you reminiscing with your ex in front of him. The past is the past. I understand they have a lot of history but what is the purpose of reliving those memories? Is she trying to remind him of what they have or prove something to you? Is she trying to rekindle old feelings? It's not wise to assume but it's also unwise to leave hidden motives unchecked. Either way, You shouldn't let her come in between what you have with your man. Your memories, though not as many are not less significant. If she wants to share, you can share too. Be witty and be wise and definitely set those boundaries ! He needs to be on the same page with you as well

He just doesn't deal with confrontation/tension very well. I did bring up my ex husband, whom I unfriended because he asked me to (bc we don't have children together and don't need to stay in touch, and i didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable). I stated that he would not be happy having to go through the same thing and the only response i get is frustration. He won't admit that that could be the case. All of your questions about her motives are exactly the types of things I've thought about...Of course I don't know the answer and maybe never will...

OP, we can't change other people. So let's talk about your own boundaries. 1. You have allowed her to feel as a friend to you. Would you choose her as a friend if she weren't already in your lives? If not, then don't make her a friend now. Be friendly, but not a friend. Do not share your own stories, and cut short her visits.

2. To accomplish #1, you need to study how to maintain a boundary for yourself, in a kind manner. This is a skill. There used to be a column in the US newspapers - well there still is, by her daughter now, I think - called Miss Manners. Miss Manners was great at giving examples of how to do this. Some concrete suggestions: When she is coming over, plan a reason for the two of you - or the three of you meaning with the son - to leave. Something to which she would not be invited. If you are the only one home, then make an appointment to take the boy out for a haircut. 3. Talk to her directly. Nicely. Put her in your shoes. Prepare to help her deal with whatever bubbles up. This approach requires a lot of thought. "ExW, I like how warmly we are able to visit with each other. I value you, and I appreciate your company. I want to talk to you about something, and I hope you will understand... ."

I don't think* i would be, but to be honest with you I am a very social and friendly person and have a hard time not friending someone unless they immediately rub me the wrong way..and with me saying that I wouldn't, i don't know if I only feel that way bc it is* his ex and that's the only way I see her...

.i guess i hate having to be around her soooo often, knowing they were together for so long, and then having to hear all of the reminiscing memories that they have shared...

That makes sense to me. I wouldn't like it either.

What I don't get is why you are acting like you are cool with all this when you really aren't (and there's nothing wrong with not wanting her around in your home all the time, hanging out, acting as though she is a second wife). Why didn't you tell him and her from the beginning "no dice. It's one thing for the two of you to have a healthy working relationship as co parents, which I support. It's another for her to be an active part of our lives together as a family. That's not going to work for me."

And if he acts like you are making life so tough for him by not wanting her there all the time, well, hey, you then know where you really stand with him. There should be no waffling about what to do on his part.

The hypocrisy too that he would ask you to unfriend your ex when she is cuddled up at the kitchen table, oh hell no.

How it looks to me is that he likes this arrangement. And you don't, but you don't like confrontation either so you try to be 'the cool gf'. My opinion on that is it never works. Honest is better than trying too hard to be nice all the time. At least there's no guessing how you really feel. There isn't sitting through conversations that make you uncomfortable over and over again - in your very own home. And there isn't this fakey friend thing going on - which is only going to escalate and cause you more awkardness in the future.

Ok. Try not to dilute your position. Firstly, she will be in his life in some manner so don't address that and she won't change so don't address that either.

Instead pick only one main focus and steer it way from her per se and make it about you. State that in your home hanging out reminiscing is imposing on you and family/couple time. She hangs out too much, etc.

Also, you need to distance yourself from her and lead by example. Keep the convos about small talk, her son only and then say you're busy, have to run, etc.

Don't worry about her issues, personality, social media etc. That muddles and confuses things casting you as the "jealous gf who doesn't understand we have kids", so steer clear of that. Stick with your home, your private time etc. just as if in-laws or friends were overstaying their welcome and imposing.

He does get extremely frustrated with me when I show these frustrations after she leaves, and says stuff like, "I am never going to get past this," or "She is always going to be a problem in our relationship isn't she." And i feel like its dismissing to my feelings.

Eh....she knows good and well what she is doing with all that talking and reminiscing. Female equivalent of marking her property. Thing is that confronting her or your bf is not going to end well for you. She is probably hoping you will eventually break and do just that and that will wreck your actual relationship with him.

He has already done a lot to prove to you that he is long over his ex and is not going to back to her no matter what she does. So you getting upset about her yakking is going to leave him bitter and thinking that he can't win this game with you. That there will never be peace and trust. Besides, after two years you still not trusting him is just not a pleasant thought to him.

In truth, you have two options on how to deal with her. Next time she starts yapping about their trip to the river, you jump in with all fours and start yapping back with a huge smile and enthusiasm about YOUR last trip with him to the river and what an amazing time you all had. Put on a real performance for her. I guarantee you she will start backing off these conversations if you keep responding that way. Second thing is as already suggested, start managing your time and space better. You have a life and things you need to go do remember? In fact, you can very much start to deliberately schedule things so that when she is coming over to pick up/drop off, you have no time for her, but are out the door. You've got restaurant reservations, you're heading over to friend's to have fun family and bbq time, etc. Couple things, personal things, family things.

She is being passive aggressive with you in a very sneaky way. You will need to be super smart about how you handle that and not allow her to get an emotional upper hand over you. You get emotional and start harping at your bf about it, game over for you.