5 months post break up. What can i actually do to get him back?

He broke up 5 months ago. We were together almost 4 years, long distance. I made trouble about nonsense and freaked out because of jeallousy. It drove him away from me. He then found a month later comfort from a coworker and broke up, immediately jumping in a new relationship.

During these 5 months, I kept NC for the most of the time. First contacted him after 2,5 months and had a call with him for half an hour.

Second contact again 2,5 months later. He didnt pick up the phone and then I asked him why he doesnt want that and he sayd "Because it hurts! okay?" and that he cant do it emotionally and that it is so hard for him, and that I please should not push him otherwise he panics.

I asked about a meeting for some answers and he sayd of course, but he needs time to calm down.

Please no advises that I should move on, concentrate on me etc. I know these things! My concern is not about moving on because that is what I try since five months. My concern is what can I possibly do to raise my chances to get my ex back?

I love this man and I believe it's worth to do aynthing possible for love. The distance is over by now. And I wonder if my ex still could have residual feelings for me. I wonder if I can dig them out gently, but how.

I want him to know that I still love him and I understand we both did mistakes. I dont want to play games. Would a meeting make any sense? Or push him further away? I would not force him but gently ask about a meeting in the nearest future.

Please, anyone?

Is he in a relationship?

That's what I am not sure about. He is hiding it since the beginning and kept me on FB and everything and I cant see anything of them. There is one picture of them from the beginning (like 1 day after break up) and he didnt accept it on his FB till today.

During the first contact on phone he told me he misses me. In the end I asked him if he is still in the relationship and he sayd yes.

There were recently signs that they arent together anymore but nothing for sure. I cant rely on such signs. And as he didnt want to talk on phone, i couldnt ask him directly.

How old is he? Have you been in contact? How would you set up a meeting in person, would you fly to him if he allows it?

He broke up 5 months ago. I dont want to play games. Would a meeting make any sense?

We are both 30. We had contact two times during five months. I dont need to fly, we live in the same city by now.

I actually thought about asking him to come over for dinner. But dont know if that would be too pushy.

He told you he panics when you push him. I think that is a really really good sign you shouldn't push him. Give him space. If he wants to talk or wants to see you he knows how to get a hold of you. What makes you think he would want you back if you drove him away?

Because the decision was very very hard for him (he told me) and I know he loved me a lot. I hope his feelings for me were burried because of the heated argument we had. It was by far the worst argument we ever had...and I insulted him badly, which I apologized for of course. I know I dont have any chance at all if his new relationship works out better for him. But I don't just want to give up. I would regret if I'd know I wouldn't have done anything possible to raise my chances get him back.

So I should just give him space you think? For me, it is weird that he asked for more time "to calm down", even though 5 months passed already.

I am maybe too unpatient? But I kind of feel like nothing will ever happen if I dont take any initiative. And I know he feels super guilty.

Would it be weird if I'd ask him directly if he still is in the relationship?

Obviously it would. But you seem obsessed with him.

Would it be weird if I'd ask him directly if he still is in the relationship?

Do you think he might could have some feelings for me? He sounds like he is hurting, too. it doesn't sound to me like this situation is super easy for him. He also got a kind of fatty face - could that be a sign of stress?

Anyone advice?

Come one, obsessed. I am hurting from the break up! Is that so abnormal?!

To raise your chances you should work on yourself. If jealousy is what pushed him away then you should ensure that you get whatever insecurities you have in check. Go to therapy, read books..etc. do whatever you need to do to self improve. Other than that, respect his space. If he's not ready you can't force him and you need to prepare your heart for the chances of him not wanting you back. Wish you the best .

I will continue to work on myself and on my confidence. What I am sure about is that I would never argue again like I did with my ex. It was childish and hurtful. I know I can't do anything to change his mind. i know it's him who has to want that. I just wonder how he could see and recognize that I work on myself. I think he is already surprised that i went directly to NC and left him alone most of the time. I never bagged, pleaded or confessed my love after the I never acted desperate. I never blamed him for betraying me and replacing me. Just gently asked for news in his life and that's it. And that I miss him.

The point is, after all, I DO feel like I want to see him and tell him that I still love him. That i'd wish another chance for us. I imagine it could feel liberating to tell him that from person to person. His answer might not be what I'd wish to hear, but then I'd at least know that I have done everything I could. But by doing this, i might push further away and ruin chances. That's why I feel conflicted.

Come one, obsessed. I am hurting from the break up! Is that so abnormal?!

Please note, I ask you to consider the following out of genuine concern for you, and absolutely *no* snide, snarky nonsense on my end.

Do you think that these two things, you possibly being obsessive over this fellow, and certainly, justifiably being incredibly hurt at the break up, might be mutually exclusive?

And if so, that you may be inadvertently preventing yourself from healing by unwittingly feeding the obsession?

Because if it may be the case, you've done nothing wrong, in no way abnormal, and I hope that you can find more and more immediate relief in shifting your focus from this fellow to something else well within your sphere of influence.

I'm sorry that you're hurting and in such a miserable place right now. I hope you find far brighter days, soon.

He also got a kind of fatty face - could that be a sign of stress?

Can you elaborate on what this means?

Is there any way you can find out what his "relationship status" is? A common friend? coworker? ..etc? If you still feel as strongly as you apparently do for him and wish to "try again", then I would be finding out this information as quickly as you can. Plus, just because he is in a relationship doesn't mean he's happy, and you have no idea how deep or "committed" that relationship is. Sounds like you need to share how deep your feelings for him run, if only so you can get past this and move on. Don't ever be afraid to follow your heart! I know that sounds cliche, but it's also very true. Just tell him how you feel, ask him to dinner, get face to face with him, and go for it. Worse thing that can happen is that he doesn't feel the same, or is committed to the new girl..etc...then you will know for sure where you stand, and that will suck if it's not what you want, however, it will enable you to start focusing on moving on. Make sense?

Agree, what is the significance of that and did you see it on his social media or in person?

Can you elaborate on what this means?

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What I mean is.. that he looks different. His face looks just bigger and kind of spongy.. as for some people who drink too much alcohol.

I showed his newest pictures to my mum and my friends and they agreed he looks unhealthy in his face.

Is there any way you can find out what his "relationship status" is? A common friend? coworker? ..etc? If you still feel as strongly as you apparently do for him and wish to "try again", then I would be finding out this information as quickly as you can. Plus, just because he is in a relationship doesn't mean he's happy, and you have no idea how deep or "committed" that relationship is. Sounds like you need to share how deep your feelings for him run, if only so you can get past this and move on. Don't ever be afraid to follow your heart! I know that sounds cliche, but it's also very true. Just tell him how you feel, ask him to dinner, get face to face with him, and go for it. Worse thing that can happen is that he doesn't feel the same, or is committed to the new girl..etc...then you will know for sure where you stand, and that will suck if it's not what you want, however, it will enable you to start focusing on moving on. Make sense?

Yes, makes sense a lot.

I'm trying to find out about his status.. I'd like to know about his relationship before meeting him, to be emotionally prepared for the bad news.

I cannot just ask friends cause I am pretty sure he would get to know about me asking. Of course, in the end, if he'd tell me in my face that he is serious with the new girl, then there's nothing I can do. Then I just have to let go somehow. But accepting that now is so hard for me, as I can't say at all what is truely going on in his life and in his mind.

Yes, makes sense a lot.

I'm trying to find out about his status.. I'd like to know about his relationship before meeting him, to be emotionally prepared for the bad news.

I cannot just ask friends cause I am pretty sure he would get to know about me asking. Of course, in the end, if he'd tell me in my face that he is serious with the new girl, then there's nothing I can do. Then I just have to let go somehow. But accepting that now is so hard for me, as I can't say at all what is truely going on in his life and in his mind.

Sounds like you are afraid of knowing what his new relationship status is so you are refraining from asking the question, of him, or of any common friend that may know. Don't be afraid to ask. If you are in love with him, love him...and want to be with him, telling him that shouldn't be contingent on his relationship "status". If it means that much to you, then tell him how you feel and let the chips fall where they may.

Does the new relationship really matter though? It's been 5 long months. If he wanted you back, he knows how to contact you. Your best bet is not to stew on his current relationship status. If he has a new girlfriend, you won't likely be able to pry him away. If he's single, than your really out of luck because he hasn't contacted you. If it makes you feel better, ask him to dinner. But if he panics when you text or call him, do you really think he's going to agree to dinner?

Probably he won't agree for dinner, no.

He feels guilty that's what i know. Seems he doesnt want to get confronted with his guilt? He's avoiding me .. guess there is nothing I can do.

Probably he won't agree for dinner, no.

 

He feels guilty that's what i know. Seems he doesnt want to get confronted with his guilt? He's avoiding me .. guess there is nothing I can do.

There are things you can do. It's like slapping a deer and trying to gain the trust back so it eats from your hand again. You can't order it to do it, you just have to keep inviting until it's ready. Pick a place that's convenient for him or a place that you regularly visit. Invite him by saying you're normally there and you would appreciate it if he could come by and see you and talk, this place can be your home if you wish. Don't prepare for heartbreak unless you get violent or mean when you experience it. People keep score of how they got hurt, not how they hurt the other person. They don't see the other person getting hurt so they have no idea of what they mean to the other person. So if you let it impact you at the meeting he will actually feel what this means to you. If you absorb the impact it shows that you don't care as much when you actually meet him.

When you meet, talk about how you contributed to the break up and how that's been fixed and ask to try again. If there are things you need assurances for you should ask. Just be honest about what you want, and how you see it working. You start gaining trust and keep it up until things are back to normal. I hope it works out for you.