Liking a guy but don't know his sexuality

Warning- this is pretty long, but the detail is necessary to illustrate my dilemma...

Okay, I need to take it back a little first-

Whilst I had an account on a gay dating site a couple of years ago, this guy messages me. I don't recall him saying anything sexual, it was pretty platonic.

We exchanged numbers and would talk sporadically here and there, again, nothing sexual or deep. It was all very friendly. The weird thing was, however, was that despite the fact we met on a gay app, he has never made any reference to liking guys, OR girls. He doesn't talk about relationships or anything remotely sexual, so I feel like, so WHAT ARE YOU? I did throw out some comment about him getting himself a girlfriend, just to see what he would say, and he kinda agreed but I still got the vibe that this is not a straight person.

However more recently, we have started to have more and more contact, and he will call me 'sexy' quite a lot, which I think he means in a joking way, but it is something I find confusing and odd.

The other day, he randomly asked me if he could 'take me out' for dinner and drinks, and asked me if my (then) boyfriend (we've just broken up) would mind. I was confused, because considering we were only friends, there should be no reason why my boyfriend would care.

So anyway we meet up, and weirdly enough, although we had talked for nearly two years, this was the first actual meeting. And I was pretty taken aback when he walked towards me. He was physically my type, and better looking than any pics I had seen. I didn't want to be smitten because me and my ex were still in the midst of a messy breakup, but I was. Totally.

So we have dinner, and everything is just friendly. Then I suggest going to a gay bar, which most straight guys are not comfortable with, but he was totally cool about it, telling me he's been there and another gay club more than once.

So anyway we're drinking, and admittedly I found him pretty quiet, but still perfectly pleasant. Then, at a certain point, we are stood against a wall in the bar, and our legs made contact. I thought he would move his leg but he left it there. Then, he was very subtly stroking my leg with his finger. It was so subtle I thought maybe I was imagining it, but it definitely happened. So then I start doing the same to his leg. At this time there was this moment where he looked at me- now, maybe he was looking past me, but I'm pretty sure he was looking me dead in the eye, for a good few seconds. It sounds corny af but it was so intense that my heart froze and I had to look away. A look that felt like it said everything that maybe he couldn't verbally say.

Then in the uber home, the legs made contact again, but the leg stroking was much more obvious this time.

We met up today and although there was much less of that, there were still a couple of 'moments'. I have developed this intense attraction that I'm finding very hard to ignore.

Now, you may be thinking, 'why don't you simply ASK him about his sexuality/feelings', but there's something about him that seems so fragile and uncertain that I almost feel embarrassed to ask. I don't really know why because I'm very direct like that usually. I sense that it may be an area that he himself is unclear about, so it just feels really awkward for some reason.

Now, this guy may be straight and maybe I'm reading into everything but there are just TOO MANY WEIRD THINGS that just do not seem like a straight person would do. What do you think? Advice needed p.s thank you for reading this far, I know it was long!

He does not sound straight to me what so ever.

I know right? it's the weirdest thing. I suspect there could be a 'closet' issue here, and usually I just cannot deal with all of that, but I like him. I just don't want to say something that makes him clam up and avoid me altogether.

Well you did meet on a gay dating site, isn't that enough to know?

I say this as a straight guy. This guy i's gay or at least confused. No straight guys are going to touch each other. Maybe you are his first guy or something?

SherrySher that's what I've always thought but then because he literally keeps his love/sex life so private and ambiguous, I've never wanted to jump to a conclusion.

Matt3939 you're right, it isn't normal 'straight' behaviour. I suspect that I am possibly his first, and that there may be closet and confusion issues here.

In any other situation I avoid complicated guys like that. I keep thinking that if I say something, he might be receptive and open, but at the same time, it could go the other way and it drives a wedge between us. Just not sure exactly how to approach it.

Maybe ask him about previous relationships. My oldest closest friend. Known like 20 years. A great deal of those years we never talked about woman or sex. Maybe he's this way? I always found this as different cause most men and woman do talk about such things but it's normal for him.

Well to me it sounds like this guy is not "straight" BUT if you really like him then I do think maybe it's best to actually ask him what he's looking for and what he identifies is. I know that you identify as gay and obviously only attracted to guys but I think in some people sexuality is more fluid and not as clear cut. I personally identify as pansexual and I like literally all people the same but I've been in the GLBTI community for a long time and have a lot of friends and some of them are not really clearly divided in who they're attracted to or want to date. Like, my best friend is bisexual but she says she's 35% into women and 65% into guys lol Then my other best friend who is male says he's bisexual too but he's pretty much mainly only been interested in guys.

I'm not sure which gay app you were using but I use the HER girl-on-girl dating app and I noticed that many girls on there put their sexuality as "questioning", "bi-curious" or "fluid". So basically they're not straight but as to what they're looking for from the same gender could really vary. I think seeing as it sounds like you want to date this guy, you need to know what he's after. Like, is he actually into dating guys or is he just questioning or curious and wants to experiment? And if he's bi then to what degree is he actually into guys? Coz one of my male ex's was bi and he only wanted to date women but he only wanted sex with guys.

Either way it definitely does sound like he is attracted to guys and he's attracted to you but if he's only "trying it out" (he could be gay but closeted as you said) then you need to think about how you feel about that. Coz I imagine as someone who is definitely gay and out and had relationships with guys, you may not want someone who's unsure and still trying to figure themselves out. But depends what you're looking for of course because if you just find him hot and want to hook up with him then I'm sure he would be up for that from what you told us lol

Matt3939 yeah, I need to bring up some kind of conversation that will give me some insight, because some people generally don't talk about these things and you have to get it out of them by just being a little direct.

Tinydance I get that totally. There are many variances in the LGBT community and even Bi folk are not always split 50/50 between guys and girls, I've heard a lot about people who like one sex more than another etc.

Personally I don't usually deal with those kinds of complicated situations because usually they don't end well, but I do like this guy. It isn't just a physical thing. We connect on a level that is quite unique. So I would definitely like to explore it and see where it leads.

I guess if I ask questions and he runs for the hills, all I can do is accept that he wasn't meant to be lol.

Matt3939 yeah, I need to bring up some kind of conversation that will give me some insight, because some people generally don't talk about these things and you have to get it out of them by just being a little direct.

Tinydance I get that totally. There are many variances in the LGBT community and even Bi folk are not always split 50/50 between guys and girls, I've heard a lot about people who like one sex more than another etc.

Personally I don't usually deal with those kinds of complicated situations because usually they don't end well, but I do like this guy. It isn't just a physical thing. We connect on a level that is quite unique. So I would definitely like to explore it and see where it leads.

I guess if I ask questions and he runs for the hills, all I can do is accept that he wasn't meant to be lol.

Well as someone who used to identify as bi, I certainly got my fair share of "bi phobia" but I guess that comes from people being hurt by people who say they're bi but they're not honest and don't explain themselves or what they're looking for properly. But honestly though I think you have every right to ask him what he's looking for and how he feels about being with guys. Because not only have you been talking online and by text for two years but also now he's flirting with you and you've been out a couple of times. So if he wants to flirt and stroke your leg then I do think he does need to open up to you coz he knows you're gay and you met on a dating app so there is obviously sub context there about dating. If you feel awkward about asking him, you could always ask him in text or online. I mean there's a chance that he actually is gay and wants to be with guys but he's just inexperienced so he's shy and not sure how to go about this.

Tinydance I think that the last part of your message is probably the closest to the truth. He seems more inclined to guys, whether that means he is gay or likes guys more than girls. I get the vibe that this is someone who is shy/inexperienced and probably scared to acknowledge his true identity. And from what I understand about his family and friends, it seems like he may be afraid of their judgements.

I will think about what I want to say because you're right, I do have a right to ask based on everything, and if he does react with hostility than I guess I know that that is a hot potato I should perhaps leave alone.

Is he young? Maybe he's taking it slowly. No straight guys aren't on gay apps or in gay clubs.

on a gay dating site a couple of years ago, this guy messages me.

I suggest going to a gay bar

he's been there and another gay club more than once.

He's 23,and I'm 28... i think it's new to him and he is probably scared, hence why I don't want to go in on him too strong and overwhelm him.

Finally the penny drops.

I did ask him. And his answer pretty much confirmed what I already had suspected.

He said he used to be Bi but now he's more into girls. But stated he is keeping 'himself to himself'.

So I asked him to clarify what this meant, and he said it means he's 'not on dudes' and repeated that he's currently keeping himself to himself.

Now, I could perhaps go some way to believing that he was predominantly into women if he was actively persuing women, but he never is. He's always 'keeping to himself', and this is not someone who is terribly shy. Quiet, but not shy. So there isn't a confidence issue, nor is there a looks issue because he's a good looking guy. So why, as a supposed 'straight' guy in their early 20's, would you not persue girls, in any sense of the word?

I do not believe what he is saying for a second. He may like girls (don't see it, but he might), but there is NO WAY I am believing he is no longer into guys. There's a closet issue here and when someone is like that, it's very difficult to get them out of it. They have to do that for themselves. So I guess I will continue being friendly but more at arms length.

Finally the penny drops.

 

I did ask him. And his answer pretty much confirmed what I already had suspected.

He said he used to be Bi but now he's more into girls. But stated he is keeping 'himself to himself'.

So I asked him to clarify what this meant, and he said it means he's 'not on dudes' and repeated that he's currently keeping himself to himself.

 

Now, I could perhaps go some way to believing that he was predominantly into women if he was actively persuing women, but he never is. He's always 'keeping to himself', and this is not someone who is terribly shy. Quiet, but not shy. So there isn't a confidence issue, nor is there a looks issue because he's a good looking guy. So why, as a supposed 'straight' guy in their early 20's, would you not persue girls, in any sense of the word?

I do not believe what he is saying for a second. He may like girls (don't see it, but he might), but there is NO WAY I am believing he is no longer into guys. There's a closet issue here and when someone is like that, it's very difficult to get them out of it. They have to do that for themselves. So I guess I will continue being friendly but more at arms length.

Maybe he doesn't like you in that way. Just because your gay and he's bi does not mean he wants a relationship with you because of that fact. He doesn't want to date you - he might want to let you down easy by saying he is into girls (and why would he pursue girls with you as a wingman?) whether he is into girls or into guys. I am straight, but when I was single, I never randomly approached guys when I was with friends. I didn't meet guys like that.

Why is he on gay apps? Is he on the down low?

He said he used to be Bi but now he's more into girls

There's a closet issue here and when someone is like that, it's very difficult to get them out of it. They have to do that for themselves. So I guess I will continue being friendly but more at arms length.

I think that's the best course of action. Some people never get honest with themselves, unfortunately.

Abitbroken the thing is though, I struggle to believe that there is no attraction when literally ALL of the flirtation has come from him. From DAY ONE. It's not like I've been chasing him around trying to make him my boyfriend. It's just recently I started to notice a different dynamic and wanted to explore if there was something there. You could see him telling me he likes girls as a way of letting me down gently, but I am not convinced. And that's not even denial, it just simply doesn't add up based on all of the things he has said and done. He does act like a friend mostly, but then there's things like calling me sexy and being touchy-feely etc, ALL on his own accord with no encouragement from me.

Wiseman2 I suspect so. I've met guys like that many times. Some guys feel that being 'out' will affect their careers, relationships with family/friends, so they will take things as far as to effectively live a lie to preserve their image.

If this is the case with this guy, I am sad for him. I'm not sad for myself, because for me there will be other guys. But it's sad for him if he will go through life either being alone or being in a fake relationship.

He said he used to be Bi but now he's more into girls. But stated he is keeping 'himself to himself'.

So I asked him to clarify what this meant, and he said it means he's 'not on dudes' and repeated that he's currently keeping himself to himself

Well, that seems clear enough. I also get the impression that this is his way of telling YOU, that he is not interested in you. So, no matter which way he swings, this is your cue to move on.

Thank you Capricorn3, however, he did display signals that would lead me to think there maybe something there. But I have accepted that this is not the case. There are no hard feelings, I am happy to remain friends with him. That's what we were in the first place.

Thank you Capricorn3, however, he did display signals that would lead me to think there maybe something there. But I have accepted that this is not the case. There are no hard feelings, I am happy to remain friends with him. That's what we were in the first place.

Could you be confusing the compliments a friend would give as interest, or interest in you as a person as sexual interest? I see female preteen and young teen girls hug, hang on eachother and laugh, etc, lean close when talking like they are up to something and they are not interested in eachother. I have seen other combinations of friends tease eachother as well and have jokey banter. If his words say NO it is just wishful thinking on your part. He doesn't want to get in your pants. He just wants to be friends. No means NO means NO means NO.