Becoming Human

Hi Guys,

Ive been on here a while, mostly lurking the in backgrounds. Ive suffered from Insomnia for the last 1 year.. i typically sleep at 4am and wake up before 8am. Most nights, I m just up.. thinking, sometimes i work out, binge eat.. but I never seem to get down to the real issue even when i try to journal i can't write more than a few lines.

I feel like i have lost myself, i feel like I'm a shell of who i am.. barely human, barely feeling.

I could probably have a really intellectual conversation with you and follow you but I won't feel anything.

I could probably be in a really emotionally intense moment.. i feel a "rush" but not a specific defined feeling.

I envy other girls who can cry and emote and show their anger.. everything just gets stuffed down.. i can't feel. I just feel dark and heavy. I don't even feel like a woman anymore.. i don't feel attractive.. i just wear makeup for the sake of it,but do i feel pretty? DO i even like it?

I scare myself.

I miss Him? no? I miss feeling like i belong to someone.. i miss the intensity of our connection.. i miss how he dominated me in bed and out of bed.. i miss feeling him.

even more...

I miss myself.. i miss the bright spark I once was.. she's gone now.

Maybe opening up on here will help. maybe chronicling my journey out of this will give me some perspective,..

x

CP

Hey Cocoapetal - what a nice name! One of my alter-egos is Gypsyblossom!

Don't know if you can relate to this, and maybe it isn't even helpful, but it's something I believe is true, but which so many of us run away from because of fear.

What I truly believe is that when we really get down to the nuts and bolts of life, the only person we can truly trust, who will be there for us is ourselves. Some people say it's them and God - Im not sure about the God bit. I think I ran from that truth for much of my life, and so when I was abandoned by others - mostly men - I felt this terrible downward spiral into a very dark place.

Why do most of us run away from that truth? Do we think we are so incompetent, too incompetent to take care of ourselves? Does our own self-worth depend on our acceptance and love from others? Are we an empty vacuum without another one there beside us? What's that other person really so wonderful - did they supply us with oxygen to breathe?? Of course not. Are you really nothing without another there, interacting with you so that you can feel?

Hello Silverbirch.

Thank you yes I love names with reference to flowers, Gypysblossom is very sweet x

I agree.. all you have is yourself. I do believe in God, I believe he guides me.

For me,. i "know " this is my head. I know that the most important relationship you have is with yourself.. no one can love you till you love yourself,... no one else can fill you if you are empty.. you can't give what you don't have. I know this.

But I don't "feel"it.

I get into a relationship and it like it all goes out the window and Im a hungry and ravenous love beast with an insatiable appetite for attention, affection and love. I may not tell him, in fact, i rarely ever communicate what I need. I just get hooked on being the centre of someone elses world. Now I'm tired of feeling like a junkie on these half wits who have no good intentions for me.

Im tired of being driven by a lack of love rather than love itself.

If i look back.. no most of them aren't so wonderful. You are right Silver.. the other person is not oxygen. is not my only way of feeling... He can't hold so much power.

I just want to be alive and awake and feeling.. on my own.. and i haven't been able to do that.

thanks for commenting xxxxxxx

Silverbirch gets at the basic truth:

"The only person we can truly trust, who will be there for us is ourselves." and "Does our own self-worth depend on our acceptance and love from others? .... Of course not."

Yes. These felt like scary statements to me, but they aren't. It is all about how we understand them. We are responsible for ourselves, first and foremost. Of course we can trust others, of course others will care for us and be there for us. Always, though, we are responsible for ourselves and MUST be there for ourselves, before we can expect anyone else to do that.

How to begin: Drawing from my own experience -

(1) Listen for your inner voice. Speak it out loud.

In my life, this did not go smoothly. My inner voice came out loud, harsh, all-knowing. It had been ignored for so long it didn't expect to be heard if it used moderated tones and moderated words. Still, better to hear it and learn about it. That was a necessary first step.

(2) Have a relationship with yourself.

Now that you can hear the inner voice, listen to it. Own it. Decide what to do about it.

I got stuck at that iteration of me for, I don't know, 20 years. I was learning more superficial things, but still fundamentally angry that the world made my place in it as a woman so riddled with potholes and barriers. Listen to how I phrased that -- I saw myself as a victim to the gender-biased world order. I could hear the whining voice inside, but I ignored it. I didn't know what to do with it, and it didn't express itself that way. It expressed itself in other ways - I don't wanna go to the gym. I don't wanna wear that outfit. I don't wanna carry a purse. My inner voice threw up silly obstacles that got in my way.

Eventually, I brought it out. Tried to get rid of it. More anger again. A key piece of wisdom my therapist told me: Anger is often the cloak I wear to cover up hurt.

OK. I worked with that. Still was avoiding using I statements. Still was avoiding myself. Therefore:

(3) Get help when you get stuck.

Remember that peace is on the other side of fear. (I made that up and I love it. Used it this week.) When your inner voice is afraid, ask why. Look that demon in the face and reason your way through it, until you discover that you are safe.

Rebuttal/discussion:

"Discover that you are safe" - but I am not safe, you say. That's true -- you aren't safe. Why? Because nobody else will be responsible for you, only you can do that.

-- This is one place I heard my voice whine loudest. I WANT SOMEONE ELSE TO CARE FOR ME! Well, yes, I do. I wanted that as a child and didn't get it. And that sucked. Do I want to live my life stuck in that emotion? No, I don't. Do I need someone to take care of me now? I don't know. Do I? Yes, I think so? Really, you do? Well, wait. No, I don't. Nobody has been talking care of me all this time, and its been bumpy, but I am okay. ... At this point in my conversation with myself, I had to accept that my path was bumpy, and would continue to be imperfect, and that was okay. I chose to accept that my level of ability was enough.

OK. I will agree that I can take care of myself.

-- My voice at this point said, "I am afraid! What if I fail! I don't know what I need! Help!" Well..... true. If you don't know what you need and want, you aren't clear how to be responsible for yourself. Look around you: what do you need? What do you want? Do you have it already? How did you get it? You have been taking care of yourself in some ways -- maybe your methods are ones that you would like to change, but that is just a skill. You CAN take care of yourself, and you CAN identify your needs and wants. Huzzah! You CAN be responsible for yourself! (With this inner victory, I whined some more. "How depressing. I really thought someone else would do this for me.... but that hasn't worked out so well. I get it.")

Press on. Because this moment, this is The Moment. This is where the power lies. The most amazing, calming, peaceful power. You can, have been, and will be responsible for yourself. And you will be okay.

Now you are in power. Hear your voice. Elevate your needs and wants to must haves. Put yourself in charge of getting your needs met. Change your needs and wants as you change yourself. I think in terms of layers. Like, my most superficial self might want sex right now. I also want to excel at my job. And to excel at choosing a long term partner. Having sex right now would undermine both of those goals, and those goals exist at a deeper layer. The top layer is the lowest priority, the deeper the layer, the more fundamental it is to my health.

____

Does that help?

Hello

Thank you for your above response. YES it does help.. your post gives me a lot of food for thought.

re being there for yourself, I was journalling today about how I allowed him to become my focus and abandoned myself. I remember moments, driving in a car, or on a date with a guy that I've wanted and i realise that Im even lonelier with him than without him. Yes you are right, there is a part of me that doesn't want to be there for myself, i want to be held by someone else, i want to be cared for. I can't put my wellbeing in another persons hands, i know this intellectually, ... why then do i give my power away. ALL. THE.TIME.

Re a relationship with yourself: Its has been an abstract concept to me but "listening to your own voice" makes it more tangible.. more doable. I know that flutter in my belly when I have betrayed myself, that feeling of unease when I have done something against my better judgement. Inside... I want to be free. I want to create, to make , to serve, to love to give. I don't want to have to be skinny to be loved. I don't want to have to be someone else to be loved. I don't want to feel like I have to apologise for who I am.. or make up for my past.. or compensate for being damaged. I crave freedom. Entwining myself with someone else is not freedom.. its a prison. I guess even before i act on my inner voice, i have to learn to hear what she is really saying.

I also realised that I fall for strong, dominant men. Men who's voice/needs/opinoins become stronger than my own.. they become the lens through which i see myself and the world. Very dangerous. I need to learn to see though my own eyes and my own eyes only.

re: getting help.

Ive been in and out of therapy for years. Right now I am getting help but I can only afford once a week, I would like more. I found though that therapy really progressed when I was doing work outside therapy i.e reading, audiobooks, journalling, yoga, deliberate self care, commitment to being present and not numbing out with food/sex.

I guess even outside help is only help to help yourself.

"Discover that you are safe" - but I am not safe, you say. That's true -- you aren't safe. Why? Because nobody else will be responsible for you, only you can do that.

YES. I feel this. I've had moments when I've got what I think I want and the vague anxiety is still there.. that sinking feeling in the pit of my belly that won't go away. I am responsible for my life. for my happiness. for my wellbeing. its an overwhelming thought for me... theres no rescuer. I'm alone.

For me this brings up a lot of sadness, I realise a part of me has clung to the "damaged" image of myself. the girl who has been through hell an got broken on the way Maybe thats the only way I feel I can get love and attention. Who will love me if theres nothing to fix/rescue. Do I have to be damaged or broken to be truly loved? Can I be whole and healthy and still be loved. Some of my most (emotionally ) intimate relationships have been with my therapists. I wish I could recreate this in real life.. where i am intimate with a person just because.

I grew up in a home where sickness was used as a love bait.Being sick got you attention...and warmth. Nothing else did. (Un)fortunately, I was a very healthy and energetic child and hardly fell sick. and I was upset because i wanted to be looked after, but i wasnt sick enough for my parents attention.

I suspected when I developed serious gynaecological problems, that part of me was coming up again .. the part that believes you have to be sick to be loved.

Its time to erase all the childhood messages that are so deeply embedded in me. they are outdated now.

I am reading a book called "taking responsibility" by Nathaniel Branden, one of my fave authors and I'm re a lot of the things i "forgot".

Im assuming these steps have taken you years to walk through. Its no easy feat what you have accomplished. But as you say time to take the drivers seat and be in charge. It IS time.

Thanks for your thoughtful response

x

CP

Today has been one of my best days in a while. I was listening to some music and I had a moment of elation.. I felt everything will be ok. I felt i had finally come home to myself,.. at that moment, the clouds parted for a second.. no anxiety.. no what if.. no hatred of the ex,.. no need to hold or cling to anyone or anything. I felt my heart open and I felt loving and giving.. I felt like me again. Amazing.. the best high in the world.

He and I talked and I finally told him that my incongruent behaviour was because I still had feelings for him and I felt rejected and i wanted space. I have never been so emotionally honest with him. I felt naked, but I also felt like I could hold my own vulnerability in that conversation, I didn't need his approval or understanding.

M asked me out on a date..I politely declined. Im feeling "ravenous" right now and can be very easily tempted. I don't want to end up in bed or be intimate with someone right now.. i feel like I'm still fragile.. i need to be stronger in myself.

I miss sex, I miss being held and kissed. but I've killed my self esteem for this... i can't anymore.

Im feeling like its time to let go of the victim story. I'm not a victim.. happened, but I'm not a victim.. they cannot have that much power.

I also need to get back to the gym and loose weight. I found that I gain weight after a period of loosing because I am afraid to be sexually attractive.. Im afraid of being taken advantage of and overpowered again.. so i hide my sexuality. Im scared to be sexy. I know I can.. but I'm scared of it... Ill explore this with my therapist in session this week.

X

CP

Congratulations CP! I'm glad you are having a good day and feeling at peace with yourself and the world.

Thank you Silverbirch.

Monday.. theres a lot to do.. and not to do. Im feeling like there are a lot of emotions bubbling underneath that i don't even know. Feeling a quiet, calm sense of strength, but I'm also feeling her.. my playful, cat-like, chaotic, childlike side ,, wanting to come out and play.. I've forgotten how to play.

Im horny

FML

heres to the week ahead.

CP

Thank you Silverbirch.

 

Monday.. theres a lot to do.. and not to do. Im feeling like there are a lot of emotions bubbling underneath that i don't even know. Feeling a quiet, calm sense of strength, but I'm also feeling her.. my playful, cat-like, chaotic, childlike side ,, wanting to come out and play.. I've forgotten how to play.

 

Im horny

FML

 

heres to the week ahead.

 

CP

On those days i would take my bike and a journal or sketchbook and go ride, sketch, and people watch.

Journal I did.. and I also went for a meeting that was very successful. A new leap for me.

B has been flirting with me all day.. I enjoy the attention but I know we won't match. I'll get bored of him... and Ill want more.

I like someone who can teach me new things...

I was thinking of function.

How Ive always done things because they have a purpose or there is an end goal.

But what If there wasn't.. what if I allowed myself to do things just because.

I got overwhelmed in therapy today and felt myself dissociate > we had to stop and talk about less emotional stuff.

Im starting to become more aware of when Im dissociating... Its almost like an out of body feeling.. here but not here.. like I'm in the room but I've left the room. I can still speak and hold conversation but everything becomes monochrome .. and people seem far away... everything slows down.

Ive lived in a constant state of hyperarousal that its felt normal.

Now I'm realising it isn't.. I can "time out" and bring myself back into my body when I start to feel myself go there.

Huge breakthrough. Glad!

Huge breakthrough. Glad!

Thank you.

I had a rough night. I slept about 3am. Mind spinning.

maybe I am hiding from reality..maybe I am too broken to live a real and normal life. NO one knows the constant looping thoughts in my mind.. no one knows how dark things get especially at night.

I will miss L, but we have had a history of miscommunication... and Im always the one doing the apologising.

I dont like being made to feel like a bad friend, she has NO idea what I'm going through... I will reach out one last time.. but I am feeling I don't want to be as close to her anymore. maybe we are not as compatible as I once believed.

I don't dump on anyone.. i don't expect her or them to understand. She isn't entitled to my contact and undivided attention, I give what I can....I journal, I write, I take it to therapy . gone are the days of opening my deepest heart up to everyone carelessly,.. I need to tread carefully now.

They' don't know I'm back in therapy, they don't know how dark things are for me. I intend to keep it that way.

Im scared to date again.. Im afraid that he will sense the chaos beneath the surface and run.

Im on the verge of making a potentially life changing decision. I know those around me will disagree but i believe I can make it work.

Today is gym day.. heavy weight and treadmill. i love a good workout.. maybe that will lift my mood.

I am sad and angry and feeling misunderstood.

Its funny. We are stoic. Keep our laundry in the laundry bin. And are ticked off that we are misunderstood. When our laundry helps define us, and we dont share it, why would we expect others to understand us?

This dynamic will lessen as you jettison the laundry that no longer fits.

As you rise above it you will be able to summarize it as needed, so it is informative without dumping or taking over the convo.

It took me a couple of reads to decipher your post .. but yes.. I agree.. theres a lot in the Laundry bag.. some which will never be revealed... some which may over time and yes, some which will.. as is becoming irrelevant.

I spoke to G on the phone tonight. Im feeing he's open But he isn't for me.. I already know this.

I am not sure I am ready to date either.. I want to be strong inside first.

Maybe i date guys like him because I know they don't really see me.. and I'm too scared of going for the kind of man I want.. Im scared he'll really see me.

Ive got motivation for the gym again.. weight lifting makes me happy. I love the buzz i get after a good session and the sore butt..

Heres to a new day.

x

It took me a couple of reads to decipher your post .. but yes.. I agree.. theres a lot in the Laundry bag.. some which will never be revealed... some which may over time and yes, some which will.. as is becoming irrelevant.

 

I spoke to G on the phone tonight. Im feeing he's open But he isn't for me.. I already know this.

I am not sure I am ready to date either.. I want to be strong inside first.

 

Maybe i date guys like him because I know they don't really see me.. and I'm too scared of going for the kind of man I want.. Im scared he'll really see me.

Ive got motivation for the gym again.. weight lifting makes me happy. I love the buzz i get after a good session and the sore butt..

 

Heres to a new day.

 

x

It took you a couple of reads.... LOL but you got through it! That is more than most folks. Thank you for your efforts. I am honored that you thought it worthy.

I think I married my ex because he couldn't see me. I didn't know that at the time.

I get a little bit of an ego trip from weightlifting. Very affirming. Have at it CP!

It took you a couple of reads.... LOL but you got through it! That is more than most folks. Thank you for your efforts. I am honored that you thought it worthy.

 

I think I married my ex because he couldn't see me. I didn't know that at the time.

 

 

 

 

 

I get a little bit of an ego trip from weightlifting. Very affirming. Have at it CP!

ITIC.. haha.... more than worthy... they are valuable words of wisdom from someone who has been / is on the path. RE: marrying the ex that couldn't see you.As they say hindsight is 20/20. sometimes we don't want to know what we are doing because we need it (him/her) at the time.

I LOVE weight training... I feel like a bad a$$... but even more than that.. i can use all my anger and stored emotions during the lift. I also feel like it gives me space to think, without ruminating... problem solve.. I take a problem and as i am weight lifting .. i can turn it over in my mind..

Today I am feeling dissociated..my mind is racing....I have a long to-do list.. some of which might take a few days. Maybe i disconnect from feeling overwhelmed?

I feel like I'm a gearing up to take to leap off the cliff.. can I trust that the winds will carry me?

A letter to me:

Hello Petal,

I know right now you feel alone and disconnected from everything and everyone. I know you feel alone. You are shouldering a lot of things. I am proud of you for having the courage to assert your self and carve out your own path. its much harder this way, you could have followed what has been laid of for you. Well done.

This also means more responsibility.. and I know this is scary for you.

Take a deep breathe,. .. it feels very dark right now.. let your inner compass guide you. The map is on the inside...You do know what to do.. you do know what you want. Don't settle.. don't be afraid. one step at a time.. one day at a time.. You'll come to realise that the light you are looking for is not in him or them.. its inside.

Take you heart seriously.. take yourself seriously.. as you unfold you will discover new things.. new gems.. new tools. These are more valuable to you than anything anyone could ever give you. Now lets build more structure. more routine.. more commitment to showing up to life and really being there for yourself first and then for others. I believe in you.

x

CP

SO me and L are finished. I cared about her.. I wanted to restart on a new slate with new boundaries...but maybe we are too different to have an equal relationship... plus I've cried and stressed over her when this happened last year.... to much energy. Its funny everyone always thinks they are right. who is actually right?

Im feeling things stirring.. next week is very important production wise. Lots of work to go into social media.

I had a teary moment. Im not alone. There are others out there who have been through hell and back and made it out.

Funny how life turns around.. the people you think will be forever aren't forever and those you think will fizzle out actually become the stayers.

CP

Good gym session today. I felt insecure about my body at the gym.. but I got through my workout. Getting stronger.. I want to lean out more.. more thats a diet thing not an excercise thing.

SO me and L are finished. I cared about her.. I wanted to restart on a new slate with new boundaries...but maybe we are too different to have an equal relationship... plus I've cried and stressed over her when this happened last year.... to much energy. Its funny everyone always thinks they are right. who is actually right?

 

 

Im feeling things stirring.. next week is very important production wise. Lots of work to go into social media.

I had a teary moment. Im not alone. There are others out there who have been through hell and back and made it out.

 

Funny how life turns around.. the people you think will be forever aren't forever and those you think will fizzle out actually become the stayers.

 

CP

 

Good gym session today. I felt insecure about my body at the gym.. but I got through my workout. Getting stronger.. I want to lean out more.. more thats a diet thing not an excercise thing.

Keep posting please! I am one foot on old ground one foot new ground. I feel very strong. Also, uncomfortably moody. Your posts ground me. I know its selfish what I just said.... but also its the nice thing about this community.

Thank you.

Keep posting please! I am one foot on old ground one foot new ground. I feel very strong. Also, uncomfortably moody. Your posts ground me. I know its selfish what I just said.... but also its the nice thing about this community.

 

Thank you.

Hello

Thank you for even reading this! haha.. Im glad I can help you somehow. Its not selfish at all.. its human.. I read yours daily too,.. I guess we understand each other's struggle.

I Guess you can probably relate to not knowing who's a stayer and who's a fizzler....only time tells.

X~X

Hello

 

Thank you for even reading this! haha.. Im glad I can help you somehow. Its not selfish at all.. its human.. I read yours daily too,.. I guess we understand each other's struggle.

I Guess you can probably relate to not knowing who's a stayer and who's a fizzler....only time tells.

 

X~X

My bff (I don't believe in having one bff but anyway...) and I were reviewing our men situations tonight. I was reading her texts from the Third Man. So nice and vanilla. "The weather is probably just trying to balance out the sunshine from you... " Of course, he is just not doing it for me. I mused that he probably thinks he is being nice, putting me in control. That maybe I could coach him: just call me and say next Thursday, 730, there is an event... would you join me?

She said, Why don't you just call him and say "I prefer to be like crap..." Made us laugh a good long while.

-----

Who will stick and who will float away? No idea. Even as Slush feels warmer, and is 18+ months of knowing me, I still don't know. It's an adventure.

I clearly get exhausted and incapable of coherent speech.... apologies. Yes - can't tell who will be around in a year or more. But you know, i do have a sense of it. I've recently figured out a few other things too... and I think I am getting close enough that i need to be very respectful. I may need to let go of someone I value highly - and maybe not by my choice. Glad I have been in control of my choices, mostly, the last two years and turned away from chaos.

I am excited for your journey. We don't have to know where it leads and who will be there. If we feel good about how we travel, we know we will feel good with whatever unfolds.

I clearly get exhausted and incapable of coherent speech.... apologies. Yes - can't tell who will be around in a year or more. But you know, i do have a sense of it. I've recently figured out a few other things too... and I think I am getting close enough that i need to be very respectful. I may need to let go of someone I value highly - and maybe not by my choice. Glad I have been in control of my choices, mostly, the last two years and turned away from chaos.

 

I am excited for your journey. We don't have to know where it leads and who will be there. If we feel good about how we travel, we know we will feel good with whatever unfolds.

Hey

I totally understood your previous message.. i was too exhausted to type .. Ive had a busy weekend with little sleep.

Im sure your radar is getting honed on who's worth putting the effort in for.. mostly because you are knowing yourself more.. but like everything else in life.. nothing is predictable.

How do you feel bout letting him go? Is this Slush? or the Greek?.. ( i assumed from reading your posts that The Greek was already on his way out..).

Right now for my journey,.. my hands are up in the air .... Im done trying to control things or fix or force anything... it unfolds as it does.

Re the "vanilla" man.. ha! what are we women like.. we get what we say we want and we find we don't want it. I too prefer a dominant man... someone who tells rather than asks.

Speaking of Vanilla....i dated a guy last year who was slightly Kinky and wanted a BDSM type relationship.. I've flirted with the idea with my two previous partners and now I'm seriously thinking of exploring it . Maybe not a long term relationship...can a `bdsm relationship be long term?

sorry to pour out my sexual frustration ..Im glad I'm able to hide behind a computer

Hope you've had a good weekend xx

Ive been in hibernation and spent the last few days by myself.

Therapy this week was.. weird. I couldnt connect. I drew blank.. i had nothing to talk about.. nothing to say. ...

Same old little to no sleep at night.. constant running thoughts in my mind.. playing scenarios over and over.

I can't connect with anyone or anything right now.

Im functioning but not alive.

The only thing keeping me going is that I am achieving some of my goals.

Im grey today.

x

Hey was walking about yesterday or today - it has all run together - and thinking about you. I see now your post from 4 days ago. Sounds like you are processing, sorting stimuli, making order out of chaos. Chunking disparate events into patterns. That ability will become one of your intuitive skills.