Helppp, please! (Long read, sorry)

I am a 22 year old female who has been in a serious relationship with the man of my dreams for a little while now. We just got a new house together, bought a puppy, and are living a happy happy life together; me, him, and his almost 3 year old son. About a month ago he revealed to me that he is a gay man, it's not like it was sprung on me, I had suspicions, but it still kind of hurt me. At first I felt like giving up to let him be the man he said he was because although it would hurt to lose this man I had fallen so madly in love with, the only thing I ever want for him is to be happy. But that wasn't the case, instead he pulled me back, fighting for me to come back and be with him telling me over and over how even though he is gay, he still crazy in love with me and wants to be with me. We talked to his aunt, who we talk to about everything with, as well as his 2 happily married gay uncles. They talked with us and seemed to think just as much as he did, that we were going to work and be the same happy couple as we were since the beginning. Everything was going good, he was coming out to people he thought would never accept him and becoming happier, I could see it which made me just as happy too.

He began to be more open with me talking about how he feels he wants to start living and again, I was perfectly fine with that because I accepted him as being gay and because all the while he was making me feel like everything between us was going to work out and that we were still going to do everything in life just like he had promised me before coming out. That was up until about a week ago when he went out to the bar with his older brother. There at this bar works this beautiful gay man who is so joyful and full of life, I knew the man I loved envied that because he had told me before. He told me he thought he was attractive and that was that, again, fine with me because the dude is attractive and I'm not gonna get mad at him for saying it when he is still laying beside me every night, holding me and telling me how much he loves me and never wants to lose me. Well last week when he went out I stayed home, and as I was sitting here cleaning our house, listening to music, I just feel like I want my baby back home so as any woman would do, or at least I think so, I began to sort of throw a fit to get him to come home. He kept telling me he would be home soon because he didn't want to stay long, but when 11 came around on a Thursday night, I just really needed him home. I was an emotional wreck because my uncle had died a few days prior and I needed him to be with me to comfort me but he wanted to stick to his normal Thursday night routine, even though I wasn't there as I usually was, and go out so I agreed to it. Anyways, he ended up getting pissed off at me and going to his brothers house. His brothers who by the way didn't know he was gay yet and while he was there he came out to them.

I was mad that he wasn't home with me, but happy because he came out to the 2 men he really looks up to in life and was openly accepted by them. But when he told me to go over there it's like everything he had been saying to me was thrown out the window. He stood right in front of me, drunk as could be, looked me in the eyes yelling at me that he's gay and that's he's attracted to this bartender there where he was. Not only attracted to, but was in love with. I was completely devastated. I went home and just cried and cried in bed. About 1 am he comes home and says he's sorry and that he doesn't want to ever lose me and the happiness that we have. So although he had just broken my heart into a million little pieces I agreed to stay with him because why should anyone give up on something so strong? We talked more about it the following day and he told me he was confused because he felt this was the only way he knew and he didn't want to lose it for something that he doesn't even know will make him as happy as I do. I agreed to stand by him while he tried to figure it out. Fast forward to Saturday night about 12am when we're out with friends and he gets a message while I'm holding his phone, it was a Facebook message from the guy he said he was in love with. Nothing bad, just said what's up, but when I opened it I saw that he had came out to him about how he felt and again, my heart broke all over again. I hadn't even completely glued all the pieces back together from 2 nights before. Again, there I went back to just crying and crying. Before this message from this guy was sent, and before I saw the message he had sent him the night we broke up, he had told me that he made a mistake when he said he was in love with him because after looking at some of the things he posted and how raunchy he could be, he said he didn't want that and although he was attracted to him, he could never even think about being with someone who acts so vile. I believed him. I knew in that moment I had to let go so that he could be him, I knew it was going to hurt me to do it, but also knew it had to be done. After arguing in private and talking it over, I had became content with the thought of the two of us just taking a minute to focus on ourselves. And as we were driving home that night, about 4am, it's like everything switched again. There he was, looking me dead in the eyes telling me that he doesn't want to lose me as his best friend or as his woman and that he wants to make this work because he knows that he doesn't want anybody else and that he wants to live a life with me, the only thing was that he was going to have to live with the thought of never being the gay man he is because he's never been with a man. I talked to him, told him he wouldn't lose me as his best friend and that if what he needed to be completely free and happy was to be with someone other then me, then I could learn to be fine with it. But still, he continued to tell me he never wants to be with someone else, never wants to love anyone, will never love anyone like the way he loves me and will never be pleased like the way I please him.

This is what I had been wanting to hear so instead of sticking to what I had just decided on, I fell right back. The following day he messaged the guy he had fallen for and made it clear of his decision and how he doesn't want to give up on me, we even agreed to delete him off of his Facebook account. It was all good again, until last night, Valentine's Day night. We were worn out from having some pretty hot sex, so we laid down and before I knew it he was out cold. I on the other hand laid in bed watching tv and doing my nails. When I finally decided to go to sleep I grabbed his phone to plug in, since at the moment we share 1 charger, and had this weird feeling to be nosey. Keep into mind I am Latina and well, almost everyone knows how that goes. I'm nosey, as is he, but I opened up his facebook, checked his messages and nothing was there, but something told me to check that activity log and guess what, he had lied right to my face when he said he deleted him. Instead he just unfollowed him, his activity log gave it all away when almost everything it said he liked was stuff that that guy had posted. I woke him up and confronted him about it, again, there I was just as hurt as could be wondering why I'm putting myself through this, then immediately after saying because I love him so much and I want this to work like he says it can. I'm hurt and mad so I say things that shouldn't be said, probably pushing him away, but despite that he moved past it and continued to say he doesn't want to give up on us and wants to make it work. So I ask him one question, why couldn't he delete him off his Facebook and he just couldn't answer it for the life of him. I asked him to delete him, after he had said he'd do everything today to fix this, and he still could not do it.

That's where the whole story ends, today has been an amazing day although he's still at work stuck in the mud, it has been nice just talking normally throughout the day, having him tell me he loves me. Everything's good, I just checked too to see if maybe by chance he deleted the guy off his Facebook and he did. I know that won't solve whatever it is he probably is still feeling for him, but if he really wants to be with me and have me the way he says, then there shouldn't be anything coming between that, right? We've both said we know we can make this work because despite what is around us in this small country town, there are other people out there like us who have become strong happy couples with beautiful happy families. His main thing is it that he's worried he's only wanting this because he's never even had anything with a man. I know that despite all this he would never cheat, but I really just don't want to be led on just to have him leave. I want him to figure things out without having me the way he has me now. I guess really what I need, or what we need, is to have someone talk to us who might be in a similar situation. We both want to make this work because the love we have for one another is just way too strong to ever give up on, love conquers all right?

He's telling you upfront that he will seek out other sexual partners. Do you have a sex life with him? Is he bi or gay?

Are you just playing house and babysitting his kid when he's out cruising gay bars? You are too young to be mixed up in this. Who is his son from? Does he have a relationship with the mother?

I am a 22 female. We just got a new house together, bought a puppy, and his almost 3 year old son. About a month ago he revealed to me that he is a gay man, it's not like it was sprung on me, I had suspicions, but it still kind of hurt me.

Nothing like a big wall of text! Be more curtious to your readers if you expect a response!!!!

Wow that's a lot to take in for you.

I think the best thing for him.....is if he truly believes he's gay. You must let him explore it and live his life fulfillingly . The hardest part is admitting it and since he has and also came out to many. That means he's accepted it and wants it.

You should leave him to figure his stuff out and be a supportive friend along the way!

Are you serious?

Honey, you are a "beard". Do you know what that means? It means that a gay man wants to be seen with you to give the rest of the world the impression that they are not gay. Or he's bisexual. Either way, this man wants you to cook and clean for him and be there for the look of it for the people who doesn't know he's gay and he is using you. MAYBE he wants his son to think he isn't gay and you are the stepmom to be. You need to go move back with mom and dad or a sister - take puppy with you and say goodbye to him. If he does ever have sex with you - you'll get an STD from one of these great bar finds of his.

Honey, if you are thinking that you can fix this - you can't. Leave. Do NOT BE HIS FRIEND. Its not like he went out with you once or twice, then admitted he was gay. He is NOT your friend and he truly cares very little about your wellbeing, actually. A friend would never do something so shattering to another friend. Leave now before the 3 year old gets more attached to you. Don't be the nanny.

We both want to make this work because the love we have for one another is just way too strong to ever give up on, love conquers all right?

It CANNOT work - he wants to sleep with a man. You deserve a man who loves you and ONLY you. If you agree to this fake little family with the white picket fence, you will be a miserable older woman in a few years, maybe even drinking your sorrows away, empty, suicidal, or having multiple affairs yourself. How can you even fathom being in a relationship where you are not truly loved and desired? I bet he's quite a bit older and he sees you as someone young and naive. Leave now while you can.

OP, please edit your post into readable paragraphs. It is extremely difficult to read such a massive wall of text. Thanks.

Wow that's a lot to take in for you.

 

I think the best thing for him.....is if he truly believes he's gay. You must let him explore it and live his life fulfillingly . The hardest part is admitting it and since he has and also came out to many. That means he's accepted it and wants it.

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NOOOO she does not have to accept and support his "exploration" - she just needs to walk out the door! He is a CHEATER first and foremost and accepting his "exploration" is agreeing to let him cheat on her

He misrepresented to you who he is. He's not yet fully honest with himself or those he gets into relationships with about himself. Gay or straight, that should be a deal breaker for you - he's not available for a healthy relationship while in that way.

And there's the fact he is a gay man. Gay men like and are attracted to men. You are a woman. It won't work. Sound glaringly obvious?! It is. But when emotions are involved, we humans are great at finding ways to stay in denial to perpetuate the status quo. He represents security to you, and you to him - even though it's chaos at its core.

Be the stronger one and let him go.

Wow that's a lot to take in for you.

 

I think the best thing for him.....is if he truly believes he's gay. You must let him explore it and live his life fulfillingly . The hardest part is admitting it and since he has and also came out to many. That means he's accepted it and wants it.

 

You should leave him to figure his stuff out and be a supportive friend along the way!

Are you for real!!!!! She needs to be done with this user!

We both want to make this work because the love we have for one another is just way too strong to ever give up on, love conquers all right?

 

It CANNOT work - he wants to sleep with a man. You deserve a man who loves you and ONLY you. If you agree to this fake little family with the white picket fence, you will be a miserable older woman in a few years, maybe even drinking your sorrows away, empty, suicidal, or having multiple affairs yourself. How can you even fathom being in a relationship where you are not truly loved and desired? I bet he's quite a bit older and he sees you as someone young and naive. Leave now while you can.

OP, What do you think gay means?????? It means that he only wants to love and have sex with men. You cannot be this naive!

He's telling you upfront that he will seek out other sexual partners. Do you have a sex life with him? Is he bi or gay?

 

Are you just playing house and babysitting his kid when he's out cruising gay bars? You are too young to be mixed up in this. Who is his son from? Does he have a relationship with the mother?

I have an amazing sex life with him, I've never experienced such things sexually as I do when I'm with him. From how he could never keep his hands off me before all of this and everything he would tell me, I'm almost certain that he would say our sex life is great too. And I believe he is bi, because he does have attractions for women as well.

Usually when he goes out to the bars his sons mother has him. Almost every single time he's gone out, I've gone with him and his brother because he wanted me to. This was the first time he had gone out without me and that was only because I was down about the ty week I had had.

His son is from another woman, not a very nice or loving one either from what I've come to witness and from the stories I've heard about her. The only relationship he really has with her is coparenting to the best of their abilities for their son.

Thanks for the reply.

NOOOO she does not have to accept and support his "exploration" - she just needs to walk out the door! He is a CHEATER first and foremost and accepting his "exploration" is agreeing to let him cheat on her

I ment accept him for him..... not stay with him and allow it but rather be his friend and let him be himself.

I ment accept him for him..... not stay with him and allow it but rather be his friend and let him be himself.

I don't think you should be friends with him right now. He used you. You did not have a loving relationship for years and then he realized and treated you in a respectful way. He knew he was gay before he met you and was looking for a woman to use to be his cover - which shows no care, nor respect. Let him be him - but leave. Do not be his friend because then you will undoubtably stay in his life because of the kid, etc, - you need to cut this loser off cold turkey.

I have an amazing sex life with him, I've never experienced such things sexually as I do when I'm with him. From how he could never keep his hands off me before all of this and everything he would tell me, I'm almost certain that he would say our sex life is great too. And I believe he is bi, because he does have attractions for women as well.

 

Usually when he goes out to the bars his sons mother has him. Almost every single time he's gone out, I've gone with him and his brother because he wanted me to. This was the first time he had gone out without me and that was only because I was down about the ty week I had had.

 

His son is from another woman, not a very nice or loving one either from what I've come to witness and from the stories I've heard about her. The only relationship he really has with her is coparenting to the best of their abilities for their son.

 

Thanks for the reply.

Okay - then he's bi. If his hands can't keep off of you, he's bi and has his hands all over you AND a man, or he is overcompensating a little because he is in denial or he wants to convince you to stay. And he is telling you horrible stories about his ex because you will feel sorry for him. I bet any money the minute you walk out the door, he will be speaking of you in a negative light to the next sucker. And heck, maybe he pulled the same joke of a relationship on her and she's a baddie for not letting him have guys on the side. So stop defending him. it doesn't matter if he is bi or gay or whatever - he is CHEATING on you and if you go to bars where he flirts with men you are an enabler. He will never really love you. He wants you for his sometimes sex toy when he has the hankering for a woman and he wants a woman to raise his son and have dinner waiting for him. YOU DESERVE BETTER

Lets go by the facts instead of how you feel or what he said because actions speak louder than words.

He entered a relationship with you, a woman. And didnt tell you he was gay until this which he should have said at first.

Then, if being gay is not an issue and hes only focused on you, a woman, then why is the talk about being gay even happening today?

The situation with the man at the bar, lets not even get into that. Assuming he has told you everything. Imagine if you dont know everything...

If he was only into you then this would have ended when he came out, he told you then its done and over with because he is in a relationship with you... However it didnt die there, it only got worst.

Why is there even a talk about him not knowing what its like to be with another man unless he wants to find out...

I believe he is curious, he wants to find out and it wont end until he does.

Your relationship is over, he may say one thing but yet you are here asking about this.

I suggest you think about whats best for you.

I believe its better to let him go, you are not "everything" he wants. I wish you the best, take care.

And by the way, you say you are latina, latina women I know wouldnt put up with this.

Girl,simple advise..Leave this man! He is obviously making use of you..Yes, love does conquer all but do you think this is LOVE ?Think again sweetheart.Don't let this man take advantage of you.