Erection problems and what to do

I've beed dating a guy for the last three month whom I really like. He is 49 and I am 40. Unfortunately sex isn't that great mainly due to his soft erection. He does get in and comes, but it is soft, and I hardly feel him inside. Some days better than others. He seems to get preoccupied with getting it done and quickly - while it lasts, I suppose. He is a healthy guy, in great physical shape and looks younger than his age. He hasn't had any chemo or surgery to prostate or anything like that to impact his erection. He often is under a lot of stress due his very senior job.

I thought that maybe something will change for the better, but so far it has not. And I am wondering what to do. Problem is l like him a lot and have grown attached to him, and he has too. I wonder if this disability is permanent or can be resolved. Of course I am aiming for the long term, and if this problem is not easily resolved, or not at all, I will have to let him go, and without much delay to limit pain on both sides.

if anyone had any experience with that or is knowledgeable otherwise, I would like to hear your thoughts.

I mean, he is 49. Has he always had this problem? Have you talked to him about this?

I mean, he is 49. Has he always had this problem? Have you talked to him about this?

I would start with this ^

If it's a long term issue then you might have a problem on your hands.

If it's a recent, short term issue then it could be due to transient anxiety or stress.

You need to have this discussion with him to figure out what exactly you are dealing with.

Just the conversation alone will bring you two closer and might have some effect on his performance.

He could have low testosterone and that's easily treated.

Basically, if you like this guy you need more information before you make the decision whether to stay or go.

Agree, you are sexually incompatible as a result of this and it will cause resentment and frustration.. Why doesn't he get Viagra?

I am aiming for the long term, and if this problem is not easily resolved, or not at all, I will have to let him go, and without much delay to limit pain on both sides.

This many treatments for ED. Viagra works wonders for most men.

With love, Reinventmyself, Wiseman, thanks for your responses!

I mean how you even talk about this?! Isn't it the most threatening conversation ever? Wiseman you are the man, can you offer us some male perspective on how to do this talk? I go livid at the thought.

Already last time I talked to him about his seemingly trying to get it done fast, focusing on himself, and ignoring my needs as a result. I was just stating the facts and how it made me feel, trying to be objective and also vulnerable. Of course, I left out the erection problem. For now. He said he was surprised to hear that I saw him as selfish, but he understood, and started paying me much more attention and things improved quite a bit, which was great. While he has changed his tactic, I am not sure the conversation brought us closer. Probably it was threatening still, and he felt on the defensive.

This many treatments for ED. Viagra works wonders for most men.

I don't think Viagra is a long term every day solution. While it does work there are considerable side effects.

I don't think Viagra is a long term every day solution. While it does work there are considerable side effects.

Does he please you in other ways in the bedroom? PIV is just one component

Does he please you in other ways in the bedroom? PIV is just one component

He does. Although I must say there is room for more.

With love, Reinventmyself, Wiseman, thanks for your responses!

 

I mean how you even talk about this?! Isn't it the most threatening conversation ever? Wiseman you are the man, can you offer us some male perspective on how to do this talk? I go livid at the thought.

 

Already last time I talked to him about his seemingly trying to get it done fast, focusing on himself, and ignoring my needs as a result. I was just stating the facts and how it made me feel, trying to be objective and also vulnerable. Of course, I left out the erection problem. For now. He said he was surprised to hear that I saw him as selfish, but he understood, and started paying me much more attention and things improved quite a bit, which was great. While he has changed his tactic, I am not sure the conversation brought us closer. Probably it was threatening still, and he felt on the defensive.

How has everything improved since having this talk with him? Does he take care of your needs now? If so, how much does penetrative sex matter to you?

He does. Although I must say there is room for more.

Ask for it specifically....

From a male perspective:

A non-threatening approach would be to suggest during foreplay/oral, "I like it when you..." "It was awesome when you...., can you do that a little longer" etc.

Also, be empathetic to his situation, he must be suffering from performance anxiety which is stressful and really brings down erections and "the mood" fast.

Another point you may already know that affect erection: alcohol and drug use, smoking, previous steroid use

What about oral or your hand can he maintain then? Take the act of penitration out of the equation and see.

With love, Reinventmyself, Wiseman, thanks for your responses!

 

I mean how you even talk about this?! Isn't it the most threatening conversation ever? Wiseman you are the man, can you offer us some male perspective on how to do this talk? I go livid at the thought.

 

Already last time I talked to him about his seemingly trying to get it done fast, focusing on himself, and ignoring my needs as a result. I was just stating the facts and how it made me feel, trying to be objective and also vulnerable. Of course, I left out the erection problem. For now. He said he was surprised to hear that I saw him as selfish, but he understood, and started paying me much more attention and things improved quite a bit, which was great. While he has changed his tactic, I am not sure the conversation brought us closer. Probably it was threatening still, and he felt on the defensive.

Youre right! It is a difficult conversation, but a necessary one.

This would be great opportunity to see if you two can navigate challenging discussions.

Doing so successfully leads to greater intimacy. bonus!

I would suggest leaving all judgment and any suggestion of complaint out of discussion.

Come from a place of wanting to work together as a team.

People respond well to hearing what their partner likes rather than what they don't like or are concerned about.

(don't say selfish!! Yikes)

Clearly he knows what's up. If he's really defensive and blocks any healthy discussion regarding this then you have bigger problem.

I wish I had a script for you but I don't.

I had an issue with someone similar. He knew he had an issue and told me straight up before we were intimate.

I was pretty pointed with him and told him I would stay around as long as he did everything the Dr advised him to do.

I guess the anticipation motivated him some.

Without my knowledge he slowly stopped each recommendation. (and didn't even do a couple)

What was originally an open, honest topic was met with hostility.

It was just a symptom of a lot of bigger problems, so I left.

That's for him and his doctor to decide. Most of the world would beg to differ since ED medication are still the one of largest selling pharmaceuticals in the world.

Are you the one discouraging appropriate treatment? So what is the "long term every day solution"? ED can start around his age and may or may not be due to health issues. Is he in denial? Why won't he get treatment?

I don't think Viagra is a long term every day solution. While it does work there are considerable side effects.

Ask for it specifically....

 

From a male perspective:

 

A non-threatening approach would be to suggest during foreplay/oral, "I like it when you..." "It was awesome when you...., can you do that a little longer" etc.

 

Also, be empathetic to his situation, he must be suffering from performance anxiety which is stressful and really brings down erections and "the mood" fast.

Another point you may already know that affect erection: alcohol and drug use, smoking, previous steroid use

I suppose I am not that close to him yet to ask for some things specifically. I ask in general, and get something good, but not exactly what I wanted.

Good point about the non-threatening conversation openings! Thanks for reminding.

That's for him and his doctor to decide. Most of the world would beg to differ since ED medication are still the one of largest selling pharmaceuticals in the world.

 

Are you the one discouraging appropriate treatment? So what is the "long term every day solution"? ED can start around his age and may or may not be due to health issues. Is he in denial? Why won't he get treatment?

I am not discouraging from anything. We didn't even talk about it yet. If he gets medical advice recommending viagra, and he's okay with side effects, by all means. Maybe that's the solution for occasions with PIC.

Youre right! It is a difficult conversation, but a necessary one.

This would be great opportunity to see if you two can navigate challenging discussions.

Doing so successfully leads to greater intimacy. bonus!

 

I would suggest leaving all judgment and any suggestion of complaint out of discussion.

Come from a place of wanting to work together as a team.

People respond well to hearing what their partner likes rather than what they don't like or are concerned about.

(don't say selfish!! Yikes)

 

Clearly he knows what's up. If he's really defensive and blocks any healthy discussion regarding this then you have bigger problem.

I wish I had a script for you but I don't.

 

I had an issue with someone similar. He knew he had an issue and told me straight up before we were intimate.

I was pretty pointed with him and told him I would stay around as long as he did everything the Dr advised him to do.

I guess the anticipation motivated him some.

 

Without my knowledge he slowly stopped each recommendation. (and didn't even do a couple)

What was originally an open, honest topic was met with hostility.

It was just a symptom of a lot of bigger problems, so I left.

You are so right about "I would suggest leaving all judgment and any suggestion of complaint out of discussion.

Come from a place of wanting to work together as a team.

People respond well to hearing what their partner likes rather than what they don't like or are concerned about."

I got this one wrong, and I understand now why the conversation didn't bring us closer. I didn't help it but sort of complained, and talked about what didn't work for me and why. Yikes indeed.

Maybe it's time for that conversation, he may believe he's getting by ok.

We didn't even talk about it yet.

How has everything improved since having this talk with him? Does he take care of your needs now? If so, how much does penetrative sex matter to you?

As I said not everything is as per my wish book, but I am not comfortable about talking about specifics with him yet. He cares about my needs to a large extent. And that's an improvement. Penetrative sex matters because precisely the rest is not tip top yet. And also because he wants penetrative sex. So while I get it, I may as well get it the way I like it.

Maybe it's time for that conversation, he may believe he's getting by ok.

Agreed. Please can you as man suggest the right way to do it. I freak out at the thought and gather best practices here.

As a guy and IF I had this issue I would be well aware of it and hoping you didn't notice. Of course you have and the sooner you talk about it the better.

The best way to talk about this is when sex is not on the table or just finished. Never bring this kind of thing up after or just before sex. If you are both sitting on the couch watching TV bring it up like this:

_____ I have something that has been on my mind and I need to talk to you about it. When we are intimate I noticed you are not completely aroused and I wanted to know if you aren't that sexually attracted to me? (if you word it this way it opens the door but it is about you not him)

Then he will say either Yes I can't keep my boner because you don't do it for me or No it isn't you, it's me. Then you can ask if this has been a problem in the past and then ask if he has seen a doctor about it and on and on. Don't grill the guy about his wiener problems but make it a discussion and see where it leads.

He could be rubbing one out to often, watching to much porn, have a blood pressure problem, pinched nerve, nervous or low T count.

If you don't want to go down that path then you need to break up with him. Either way not an easy road ahead but it needs to be done sooner than later,

Good luck

Lost

"Do you think viagra would rev up a our sex life a bit? Have you thought about us trying that?". In other words frame it like 'something new to try', not focusing on perceived defects or dysfunction. Unless he's dense as cement, he'll get the idea.

Agreed. Please can you as man suggest the right way to do it. I freak out at the thought and gather best practices here.

 

_____ I have something that has been on my mind and I need to talk to you about it. When we are intimate I noticed you are not completely aroused and I wanted to know if you aren't that sexually attracted to me? (if you word it this way it opens the door but it is about you not him)

 

 

Lost

Or add. . Is there anything I can do differently? Ask him what turns him on. If he's smart, he'll reciprocate.

That way the focus isn't just on his performance but you two as a couple working together.

It's both of your challenge, not just his.

( I don't know that I would take the blame here.

It seems disingenuous or at the very least puts me in the insecure role so he'll feel better? Nah)

Here are some suggestions from a guys POV:

Did you ever ask what turns HIM on? Maybe there's something that can really get him going, that's missing? (Don't take blame, but get the conversation started)

Plus From there you can open a dialog with his guard down. Either way, you have to express to him the softie needs a boost. He's a man, I'm sure he's aware. Try to make it about "us" and not "him".

Cialis is great BTW. Regardless of side effects, the sex will be so worth it if you can get him on board.

Just a few suggestions.

Here are some suggestions from a guys POV:

 

Did you ever ask what turns HIM on? Maybe there's something that can really get him going, that's missing? (Don't take blame, but get the conversation started)

 

Plus From there you can open a dialog with his guard down. Either way, you have to express to him the softie needs a boost. He's a man, I'm sure he's aware. Try to make it about "us" and not "him".

 

Cialis is great BTW. Regardless of side effects, the sex will be so worth it if you can get him on board.

 

Just a few suggestions.

That's a good opening line there! Thanks! I did ask him previously and the things he said that turn him on are all pretty basic. Stuff that we do, nothing new.

But I'll ask him again and build on it to lead to the discussion.

Yey! Now I feel like I am not in the unknown waters any longer!