No way out

My life has become hell. I'm a pathetic 23 year old with no education living with my alcoholic abusive dad, no education, I am steadily losing all of my friends and I don't hear from them ever anymore.

I don't even want to see anyone. I'm done.

I have no desires left in the world, and I am tired of living a loveless, cold, lonely life of suffering and feeling like my chest is on fire. I'm narcissistic, egocentric, and am plagued by poisonous jealousy, control issues and lack of empathy that drives anyone that starts to like me away once they get to know me. I've tried changing, I can't. The pain makes me lash out, not able to see other's points of view, and I become trapped in my own spiral downward. People leave me devastated, and they walk on fine, happy, not a care in the world and it makes me resentful and angry. So angry, it consumes me.

I'm already seeing a psychologist, and a psychiatrist, am prescribed anti-depressants but it all does nothing for me. I don't even feel human. I have no more sex drive either and I am going through life in a daze chainsmoking at night shaking just to disassociate. I'm completely alienated emotionally, I have the occasional meaningful talk, or a friend giving me a hug, but I know the place I have to go back to after those couple of hours and it is even worse.

The only reason I attempt to control my mood is to not let it make me a monster.

I don't see the point in working to earn a living that only consists of pain. I feel so ashamed and my entire family has to look on as I suffer and can't fix myself. I know it's killing my parents but no one can really help me or cares enough, I don't know where to go because I have no desire to go anywhere, nothing excites me, not even music. I've had catastrophic attempts at relationships that only ended in me falling apart and the other person just leaving me as trash.

People on the internet can't help me so I don't really know why I'm writing this. This is unfixable and the only time I feel good is if I sleep and have a pleasant dream, or if I'm on drugs. All the people I know my age are into partying and xtc. I can't do it anymore. It is shallow and not enough, and the people you get to know all become strangers again the next day. There is no warmth anywhere. I have no way out and I don't know what to do, I can only see suicide as a viable option, but I'm too afraid to do it, I want it to be easy and painless. I see too much of my dad in myself and I look at him and I see a miserable man. I see myself ending up exactly in that place, and it's not worth it. I don't know what to do, I can barely eat or sleep. I am just waiting till it's over.

I'm sorry for your pain, but it seems you've ruled out all possibility for any kind of comfort, advice or relief.

Viktor Frankl, a WWII concentration camp survivor, said: "When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves."

Many of your circumstances may indeed be unchangeable, but there is an element of freedom in your life -- if nothing else, you have the freedom to decide how to respond to your circumstances.

If you continue to see yourself as a victim, you will remain absolutely powerless to change your situation.

The moment you acknowledge your role in creating the life you are now living, however large or small it might be, is the moment you can begin to change it.

Hello, Woah.

I am starstruck by your clear, coherent self-insight and the utterly deft agility you use to articulate your thinking.

You are quite very far from pathetic, in my experience.

I don't mean to be obtuse and trample your wishes to further discuss your situation, but if you are willing to respond, may I ask what desires and interests have since deserted you?

As an emblematic person on the Internet, I can tell you that I do, genuinely, want to help, if I can. And you've come to a top-shelf collection of forum members, who likely can offer some good advice, some sincerely intended comfort and if nothing else, I wouldn't count them out for managing to solicit a little laugh or two against all odds.

Give us a chance?

Whatever you decide, I appreciated your eloquent post and I wish you the best.

I used to love creating music, I used to be a DJ, but the drugs got to me and ruined it, I am clean now, but scared to go back into that scene as it will trigger the addiction I had, I have been clean for one year now. I have experienced psychosis in 2016, involving some very intense hallucinations and delusions, and it took a long time to take the road back to semi-sanity. However since then it is like whatever gave 'soul' to everything has left me, like I have lost myself and I feel hollow. It scares me, because it feels permanent and fixed, like the old me really is gone.

Music used to be my passion and my dream to pursue, but now I am full of doubts and I am not creating anything, I have started to realize that it was just a dream. Now when I try it feels forced and tedious, uninspired, I lost that spark.

Also, the one thing that has kept me going is the study of philosophy, but it is cold comfort at best really, something to play with for my overactive racing mind... It's like my mind is constantly on hyperactivity, I live in my head more then in the world, I need to have a purpose or meaning in life but I can't find anything to escape the stage of Nihilism.... I can't believe in God and Science cuts out the entire subjective plane of experience and isn't designed to give meaning.

I used to be a very spiritual person but I can't believe it anymore.

Like there is no meaning to stand against the pain of life. Pain I can deal with but if there is no meaning for it it becomes suffering with no resolution...

How long has it been since you felt comfortable creating music? What happens when you contemplate reviving your passion privately, in your own space, on your own terms, no audience, no expectation?

I apologize if my question is a non-starter. I admire skilled musicians, and talented DJs are enthralling, but I don't know anything about the process. Is it viable to work on a piece in private, or am I way off?

Thanks for the response, Woah.

Hey there,

I just came on here to basically write what you have written.

I have just come out of psychosis also, and feel exhausted, and humiliated. I have SUCH high expectations of myself. And perceive such high expectations from those around me. And a lot of aggression for my weakness. And it seems to be coming from outside.

But, having read what you wrote, and feeling the same way, it brings back memories of therapy sessions. Which coming back to the same thing: How can I give myself a break? I am so down on myself. I expected to be so much more than this, and felt like I had to be those things in order to be loved.

I don't have the answer right now. But I know I've done it before and I know you can too. We can give ourselves a break. We reached out, we communicated. Nothing is inherently expected of us. We can be the biggest losers in the world. We can be homeless. And still be valid. I'm typing this as an affirmation though not sure I can say it feels true. But I'm keen to find that breath of fresh air somewhere.

I also know that my chemically twisted brain isn't worth much at the moment, and so no decisions or ideas that come out of it are really to be trusted. What is true is, I can feel my ass on this chair. I can feel my breath more or less. I'm going to try and focus on that.

Wishing you all the best and I'm grateful for your post and the opportunity to reach out.