Please Help. Feeling so confused.

Hi everyone,

I’m 39 and my wife is 43. We have been together for 18 years and happily married for 15 years. We rarely argue and when we do it is generally over very quickly within the same day. In early January this year she started complaining that I was not carrying out my household chores in the right way and was correcting me all the time. This made me feel bad as I do my fair share around the house but if the particular job was not done exactly how she wanted it (and in microscopic detail) she would roll her eyes and get annoyed with me. She never used to say things like that or act in that way towards me. By the middle of January her job had been placed under threat and an on-going issue has been that her Mum has been ill and was hospitalised in November but is now back home now but still bed ridden and not in good health so I totally understand that there is a lot going on in her life right now and told her that I am here for her to listen to her and support her.

Moving on towards the end of January and we attended her friend’s 40th birthday party (leading up to which I inadvertently saw a text reply on her phone from that friend a few days before the party saying “partners are allowed so I guess that means you will be bringing your husband?" to which she replied "of course I am bringing my husband! unfortunately can’t change that but sometimes I wish."). I gave her plenty of space that evening to catch up with friends and let off steam, fortunately I get on famously with another of her friends boyfriends and I had a good chat with him for the evening so I kept myself occupied. Towards the end of the night, I had paced my drinking and was fine but she was very drunk and fell over on three occasions. I had pre-booked a taxi to take us safely home afterwards and when we got home and got into bed she revealed that she had developed feeling for a co-worker and had been flirting with him since just before Christmas just for the attention she felt she was not receiving at home. I don’t understand that as I love her so much and always ask how her day at work went and listen to any issues that she may have and have always been there for her to support her when life gets her down as a husband should. What I really don’t understand is that initially she said that she started flirting with this co-worker as she was unsettled by a couple of arguments we had in early January (I was getting tired of the housework comments and eventually defended myself saying that her comments were unfair) but this can’t be true as she had already admitted that the feelings for her co-worker had already developed before Christmas. She maintains that it was only flirting and that nothing physical has taken place nor has she seen him outside of work but that he does like her a lot and approaches her at work. She also confirmed that the flirting has now stopped as she was feeling guilty in the last couple of weeks and needed to be honest with me. She said she will not go out for works drinks of an evening from now on if she knows he is going to be there so as not to worry me but I said (as I always have) that I would never restrict her from going out when she wants and in any case if he approached her she would say no.

She has been running very hot and cold with me in recent weeks since revealing the story about the co-worker. We attended one of my industry’s dinners this past weekend and she was fine for the most part then got very drunk again by the end but fortunately only as we were leaving the function and heading back to the hotel room. Earlier in the day we had a great lunch, talked like old times and held hands as we walked the streets.

In between and after these two drunken incidents (which by the way are out of character) she is still affectionate with cuddles in bed every day before we start the day and regular lovemaking which is as great as it always was. We also kiss and say “I love you” every day to each other as we always have.

We are going away for a holiday in April and I said last weekend (after Saturday night's incident) that I think she should get some counselling before we do. She said that she has already researched one and will attend next month to discuss what is going on in her head but strangely enough said there will be nothing to discuss about "us" with the counsellor as that is not the problem but she just needs to clear up other issues going through her mind, those being that she is (understandably) scared about losing her Mum and then other subjects that she will not reveal to me remain a mystery. What she has admitted over the last few weeks is that she feels that she is currently experiencing a mid life crisis.

I am sorry for the long winded story but I need to release all my thoughts as they are driving me crazy on a daily basis whilst I’m outwardly trying to live as normally as possible. If some kind person out there could give me some kind of clue as to what might be going through my wife’s mind at present I would be so grateful. I love her so much with all my heart and soul and just want her to be happy. I feel so unsettled and upset by recent events as it has been a beautiful, soul filling, happy marriage until now with so much love and affection between us.

Thank you.

I'd be that person...

Did you have a respectable/intelligent discovery period? (dating)

Were you compatible?

Were you free to marry?

Think about 2016.

During the year, think hard and tell me some of the things she said that caught you off guard.

Firstly, it is good that she revealed to you that she had developed feelings for another person, before acting on it.

Secondly, I think it is a fact that she is going through a mid-life crisis. Many people in this age range go through the "is this what life is going to be like for the next 40 years?" wondering if the grass is greener, etc. You've been together for a long time and she was 25 when she met you.

Continue being a loving partner, support her as best as you can for her ailing Mum, and keep the communication open, and definitely see a therapist, together or separate to sort out the feelings.

Wish you well.

I'd be that person...

 

Did you have a respectable/intelligent discovery period? (dating)

Were you compatible?

Were you free to marry?

Dear Lester,

Thanks for your reply. Our dating period consisted of meeting in secret for 2 years initially as she is Asian and I am white and should could not tell her parents so as not to offend them or their community/religion whilst my parents accepted her immediately and with open arms. I have a great relationship with her parents, siblings and extended family since I was revealed as I embraced their family and culture from day one. In the wider community amongst her family and it's culture/religion many mixed relationships have surfaced and been accepted over the years since our relationship was the first of it's kind to be revealed and the success of our marriage has made it more acceptable for the elders in their religion/culture that would have previously disapproved to identify that such relationships/marriages can work.

We certainly were compatible. It was love at first sight and we have common shared interests.

We were not to free to marry initially as she had to take the big step in announcing she had formed a relationship with a man of a different race and outside of her culture and religion (although she is not very religious her parents are).

With regards to 2016 everything seemed normal but thinking about Christmas she said was not feeling it this year (as in 2016) but I just put that being down to worrying about her Mum's ill health.

Thank you Betterwithout.

I will certainly continue to work hard to love and support her through this difficult time in her life. I love her so much and you make an excellent point in saying that it is good that she revealed to me that she had developed feelings for another person, before acting on it. There has to be honesty in a relationship and it must have been hard for her to reveal that information.

Thanks again for your kind comments I really appreciate it. It's great to finally get this out into the open and not just racing through my own mind every day. Great to know there are so many supportive people like yourself out there.

Excellent she's going to counselling before things get out of hand with flirting for attention, drinking, etc. She needs better coping skills hopefully she'll work through that in therapy..

She said that she has already researched one and will attend next month to discuss what is going on in her head but strangely enough said there will be nothing to discuss about "us" with the counsellor as that is not the problem but she just needs to clear up other issues going through her mind, those being that she is (understandably) scared about losing her Mum and then other subjects that she will not reveal to me remain a mystery. What she has admitted over the last few weeks is that she feels that she is currently experiencing a mid life crisis.

Good, you sound compatible.

How about 2016?

Fyi:

- Midlife crisis labels have been muttered by millions of now divorced men. It will make you feel okay for awhile but help nothing.

- It's not about her.

Excellent she's going to counselling before things get out of hand with flirting for attention, drinking, etc. She needs better coping skills hopefully she'll work through that win therapy..

Thanks Wiseman2,

Yes, at least she has recognised the need for counselling before all these things get out of hand and has also said that she will not be drinking for a while after the two recent incidents. I am starting to believe there is hope.

In terms of her coping skills hopefully the therapist can run through some options to help her in this respect. She has had a lot to cope with (Mum's illness and threat of redundancy) in recent months and it's even harder for a person to cope when bad incidents occur, especially all around the same time. Her Father had a heart attack in 2015 and my Father has been battling multiple cancers for the last 9 years so we have not had much luck with our parent's health over the last few years.

With regards to 2016 everything seemed normal but thinking about Christmas she said was "not feeling it this year" (this year as in 2016) but I just put that being down to worrying about her Mum's ill health. Prior to her Mum's decline in health in November all was well. We love travelling together and had an amazing holiday together in September, it was great as ever, fun, shared activities, excursions, eating out, nights out, keeping life as interesting as fun as possible as we have always tried to do when we are not in the routine of work (both career people, do not have kids as unfortunately she can't have them but would have loved to).

It sounds like she in the early stages of an emotional affair. My question is why?

So you can understand infidelity, secretly purchase/read James Dobson's "Love must be Tough" Never let her see this book.

It sounds like she in the early stages of an emotional affair. My question is why?

 

So you can understand infidelity, secretly purchase/read James Dobson's "Love must be Tough" Never let her see this book.

Hi Lester,

Thanks for the book recommendation. I see that it is available on iBook's so can I download it today and read it privately tonight without her seeing it or causing her any concern.

I should have mentioned earlier that my wife and myself always wanted kids. She says I would have made a great Dad and I tell her that she would have made a great Mum. She has a condition which makes it almost possible for her to conceive. However, back in 2009 we overcame all odds and she became pregnant we were both ecstatically happy with this news. Then the miscarriage happened and it tore our world apart for a time but we collectively grieved together and supported each other and got through that. About 18 months later she suggested adoption but I was not ready at the time as for some reason was still hurting that we lost our baby, something that "we created together" in our close, loving relationship and marriage which would have meant the world to me and my wife too. She never brought up the subject again until early January this year at which point she got upset one evening that we had not adopted when she first suggested it and to which I replied we are still young (39 & 43) and it's still not too late. I am willing to take on the responsibility of adoption now but certainly wasn't back in 2010/11. I have said that the door is open for adoption and that I would let her think it through. She thanked me for those thoughts. She then thought about it for a couple of weeks and then said it's not the right time as our parent's need our attention right now with their health issues and we would not have the time available to devote the same to a child. There is also the pressing matter of her potential redundancy and my industry is also going through a rough spell too at present.

Sorry for not bringing this big issue up earlier, so much has happened recently and I am trying to recall all events of the past few months to try and find the root cause of what is happening to my wife. Would this adoption issue be a trigger for an emotional affair and if so why?

Well, the cleaning thing - it's a control issue I am guilty of doing to my hubby to. Work has been beyond stressful, and having a clean home brings some sense of order in your mind, so when you see it's not cleaned the way it needs to be, it's like an OCD fit that just needs to be made right. And having an ill mom? It's a combination of hiding things from her for those two years, and her being sick, that really eats at you, and makes you make dumb choices. I am glad she is going to Therapy to get some perspective.

And the attention? When was the last time you took her on a date, or told her she was "hot", or made her dinner, or told her you appreciated her, or anything really?

To be honest, I ask my hubby how he day was each day, and listen, but with him, it's not often - I am sadly making a tally. And I know it's silly, so I will just tell him anyway if something new or different happened. And while we like to lean on the good years, little things count so much. I mean, work is going hard for her, maybe run her a bath when she gets home, and let her relax with some wine.

And even though partners should be equal, I think it's so important that even though your cup of love is full, you just keep adding to it, and adding to it, so it's overflowing, especially when one partner is too weak to add to it. It's okay to have a lull in the relationship especially after all that time - what you do now is not make it about you, but recognized she's flat-out stressed out and breaking down.

Honestly....I feel like you're kind of getting the shaft here. Everyone is saying "be a loving partner, she's got a lot going on..." but so do you! Your wife has told you she has feelings for another man, yet she wants to seek counseling for several other issues NOT including her emotional affair? And won't tell you what they are?

By all means, be supportive when it comes to her sick mother...but as far as your relationship, after 18(?) years together, I think you deserve a bit more of an explanation. You have feelings too, and I'd be pretty pissed if my partner put me in the position yours has put you in.

My hubby's mom didn't get any support when her mom passed. And she didn't seek therapy because it right after 9-11, which in the US was a crazy time for everyone there. So, instead she started hoarding and became histrionic, and is now a Level 3 hoarder with an additional of 3 rented storage rooms she has never once visited, but had people move stuff for her. I'm not trying to scare you, OP!!! I think she has a lot going on. So, as much as we want to always think marriages should be like unbreakable pillars of strength, in reality, things, life happens. We can be weak, invincible, happy, depressed, empty, full of love - I think it's a testament that she was able to talk to you about the flirting. I just think what you both need is time and taking time to breath.

And both of you, brush up your resumes, go to networking events, which is something you should be doing on the regular anyway.

Well, the cleaning thing - it's a control issue I am guilty of doing to my hubby to. Work has been beyond stressful, and having a clean home brings some sense of order in your mind, so when you see it's not cleaned the way it needs to be, it's like an OCD fit that just needs to be made right. And having an ill mom? It's a combination of hiding things from her for those two years, and her being sick, that really eats at you, and makes you make dumb choices. I am glad she is going to Therapy to get some perspective.

 

And the attention? When was the last time you took her on a date, or told her she was "hot", or made her dinner, or told her you appreciated her, or anything really?

 

To be honest, I ask my hubby how he day was each day, and listen, but with him, it's not often - I am sadly making a tally. And I know it's silly, so I will just tell him anyway if something new or different happened. And while we like to lean on the good years, little things count so much. I mean, work is going hard for her, maybe run her a bath when she gets home, and let her relax with some wine.

 

And even though partners should be equal, I think it's so important that even though your cup of love is full, you just keep adding to it, and adding to it, so it's overflowing, especially when one partner is too weak to add to it. It's okay to have a lull in the relationship especially after all that time - what you do now is not make it about you, but recognized she's flat-out stressed out and breaking down.

Hi Tattoobunnie,

Thank you for your comments. To be honest I am always trying to make her happy. I take her on days out, meals out at the weekends, date night meals during the week if she has had a particularly bad day at work. Yesterday being Valentines Day I gave her a card containing words of love and support, I sent a single red rose to her office and got home before her to cook a romantic meal with wine then put on one of her favourite movies. Next week is our 18th getting together anniversary and I have booked a lovely restaurant.

We go on holidays abroad and day trips closer to home in the Summer. I never stop her from going out on her own with friends and always wish her a fun time and I pick her and her friends up in the car in the early hours and drop everybody back to their homes. I simply love seeing her when she is happy as in those moments when she is smiling and her lovely eyes are lit up it fills my heart with joy. Yes, a lot of people will say that is mushy but I can't help being a romantic. However, I think I have overdone the romance over the years now and because of that anything I probably can do to treat her will not excite her anymore so I guess this is all my own doing? I really don't know anymore.

Hi Indea08,

Thanks for your reply. Yeah, I do feel I am getting a bit of a raw deal at the moment but I have tried to put those feelings aside because of the situation with her Mum and her job. I really should confront the situation but am scared it may push her over the edge and she could have a nervous breakdown or something. She has just arrived home and told me that mass redundancies will be announced at her workplace a week on Friday so I can't really push other issues on her right now. Although I do feel empty and alone inside for the first time and can't eat properly or concentrate or my work so well at the moment. I am just breaking everything down into a day at a time in order to cope with this situation.

Hi Tattoobunnie,

Thank you for taking the time to comment further and I'm sorry to hear what happened to your hubby's mom. I did say to my wife on the night she revealed about the other man that I appreciate her honesty and that it was testament to the faith that she must have in our marriage in order to have the guts to tell me. I am taking it one day a time and allowing it to breathe but every day feels painful and quite depressing right now so am burying myself at work during the day and just sitting and listening to her in the evening when she is talkative but on other nights she will be irritable and not want to hardly talk at all. She is very hot and cold and unpredictable at the moment I don't know which character will come home to me at the moment on any given day. It feels so strange.

If you don't feel like you can confront the situation right now, give yourself a date. One month, two months...however long you think you can last. Maybe having a known "end date" will help. When you get to that date, you have officially done your time and a confrontation or discussion needs to happen.

I really am very sorry. I know the stress of being insecure in a relationship, and you've got much more time invested than I do. I sincerely hope she finds what she needs and makes this up to you.

If you don't feel like you can confront the situation right now, give yourself a date. One month, two months...however long you think you can last. Maybe having a known "end date" will help. When you get to that date, you have officially done your time and a confrontation or discussion needs to happen.

 

I really am very sorry. I know the stress of being insecure in a relationship, and you've got much more time invested than I do. I sincerely hope she finds what she needs and makes this up to you.

Thanks for your kind comments and guidance indea08. You are obviously talking from experience of this and I hope everything has or is working out for you now. I have kind of set a date in that last weekend I said we are not going on vacation in April until she seeks professional help. She replied "Don't be mean." (typical defensive answer in her current frame of mind I suppose) but I was not being mean I just care and want her to sort her life out. I also am unwilling to travel so far abroad in her current frame of mind in case she gets drunk or goes a bit crazy on me which would be more difficult to manage away from home. She said she will call a counsellor by the end of this week to arrange an appointment. I have not brought up the subject again since the weekend and am trusting her to make the call by the end of this week as promised.

Thanks again for your supportive advice, really appreciate them and they are helping me to keep as calm as possible during this unsettling time.

"Would this adoption issue be a trigger for an emotional affair and if so why?"

- Yes.

When it comes to marriage and family you can safely add five to ten years onto your age to help understand what she may be thinking.

Don't think this is your aha moment and now can safely label her and move on.

Her problems won't be fixed with anything quick. To save your marriage will take at least two to five years. (Threats and timelines will blowup in your face.)

How serious are your money problems and have they been reoccurring throughout the marriage?

Are you/her over-stressing because it? If so, have you over-stressed in the past about it?

The co-worker..., do you know anything about him? Age, race, financial situation?

First Aid:

- Don't think divorce won't happen to you. Millions of men thought that last year and now know how wrong they were.

- Don't threaten her with anything. Stop all suggestions of counseling.

- Don't lose too much weight. Start weighing yourself regularly, and devise a healthy eating routine.

"Would this adoption issue be a trigger for an emotional affair and if so why?"

- Yes.

When it comes to marriage and family you can safely add five to ten years onto your age to help understand what she may be thinking.

 

Don't think this is your aha moment and now can safely label her and move on.

Her problems won't be fixed with anything quick. To save your marriage will take at least two to five years. (Threats and timelines will blowup in your face.)

 

How serious are your money problems and have they been reoccurring throughout the marriage?

Are you/her over-stressing because it? If so, have you over-stressed in the past about it?

 

The co-worker..., do you know anything about him? Age, race, financial situation?

 

First Aid:

- Don't think divorce won't happen to you. Millions of men thought that last year and now know how wrong they were.

- Don't threaten her with anything. Stop all suggestions of counseling.

- Don't lose too much weight. Start weighing yourself regularly, and devise a healthy eating routine.

Hi Lester,

Thanks for getting back to me again. Appreciate it. She says that she can live without having children now and is only bothered by that and the adoption matter every so often when it crops up in a film for example and makes her feel emotional but can cope with that through most of daily life (her words not mine after we went to the theatre/cinema recently and saw a film involving families and adoption - for the film was "LION" starring Dev Patel and Nicole Kidman).

Money is not a huge problem. We both earn good salaries for our age and our salaries are almost identical but she always wants more money for new cars, clothes etc and is in a certain amount of debt at present which worries her. I was in a certain amount of debt in the past but now actually have savings. We have effectively reversed roles financially in the last 10 years. Me carefree and her cautious but now her carefree and me cautious.

The co-worker is a Business Manager and even if experienced his annual salary (I checked some stats online for his exact role in this country and average pay for the same) he is unlikely to earn as much as either me or her. He could match it at best. He is 3 years younger than me at 36, white, tall with mousy brown hair (same as me). She described him to me when she confessed to me that night that she said she had feelings for him. She gave me his full name and also said that he is nowhere near as attractive as me and that I am handsome and a great conversationalist and she does not know why she is getting these feelings for this guy apart from the fact she wanted attention. She even said would quit that company to get away from him if I wanted her too. I said no because it is wrong to control people in that way and she is very career minded and "absolutely loves" her job which is currently under threat.

In reference to first aid, I will never underestimate the gravity of this situation as she means so much to me. I will not mention counselling again after what I said at the weekend. I am finding it hard to eat though as feel quite depressed every day. Have gone down in weight from 13st 13lb (88.5Kg) on the first day of January to 12st 9lb to (80.3Kg) as of today, just keep losing weight at the moment but it's hard to have an appetite feeling like this.

By the way Lester, thanks for the book recommendation. I sat up an read some of it last night and have already covered about 60 pages.

There are two books that I credit for saving my marriage, the other is: Gary Smalley's "If only he knew"

Get it and read when you can.

There are two books that I credit for saving my marriage, the other is: Gary Smalley's "If only he knew"

Get it and read when you can.

Thanks is will check out that book too.

Fyi:

Failing marriages fall into two broad groups.

1. A sloppy, misdirected, non-goal discovery period, which produces a poorly constructed, incompatible and/or trapped, loveless marriage.

2. A well-designed, compatible marriage but left for granted which ultimately leads to disrespect.

Yours doesn't seem to fit either.

Because I'm not a mind reader, and all marriages can be different, you'll have to figure out what is going on.

I can only help with the techniques that worked for me.

More first Aid:

- Wasted time is the enemy.

- You must educate yourself.

- Beware of anger driven, instant solutions or advice.

- Do NOT tell your wife what your are doing to save your marriage!

- Start becoming less predictable!

- More aloof, with less talk and more listening.

Tip of the day:

Secular counselors need money. It's not in their best interest to move along quickly.

Although, they can be used by you to slow a wayward wife down.

Hi Lester,

We are definitely not marriage group 1. Group 2 sounds more like it and to be honest I feel I am being disrespected. I am not perfect but I have always been faithful to my wife and feel that her flirting with a co-worker to get attention is disrespectful to me. I could understand it if I was a bad husband but I am not. In fact Looking back I believe I have overdone the romance, love and support part of marriage and probably have become a bit boring and predictable so she has probably lost some respect for me.

Moving forward and as per your more first aid, I definitely need to become less predictable, I will not waste time, I am educating myself starting with reading the recommended books, I am very rarely an angry person so am fine in that respect, I will definitely not tell her I am trying to save the marriage and I MUST be more aloof, with less talking and more listening. That's great advice and I am wasting no time in putting all of these into an action plan.

She just got home after a dinner with her girlfriends from work, asked me about my day before I asked her and leaned in for a kiss before I did. That has not happened in a few weeks, I have had to instigate those actions. Perhaps she missed me tonight as I was working late and she was out? I won't push my luck but that was a nice moment when she came through the front door with that greeting and a kiss. I won't deviate from action plan though as there is a lot of hard work to put in to save us.