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My bf has a lot of Narcissistic Personality Disorder qualities but I didn't know that until I was trying to recover from first time he walked out last May after 3 years of living together. When that happened I fell apart as I was still full blown in love with him when he suddenly cancelled a planned family vacation (with my kids) to visit his relatives. He wouldn't explain why, just told me to Shut the F up and take his orders. He walked when I wouldn't tolerate that disrespect.

I missed him SO much and was SO hurt he would throw what we had built away over something so dumb. We got back together a month later when I had car trouble in his neighborhood snd he came to my rescue. He was SO kind, helpful, obviously he had missed me as much as I had missed him (I thought) so we reconciled and had a great honeymoon but ... nothing had changed. He finally applied for a job I helped him get (he hadn't worked in 5 years except for once a month Army Reserves). But he never went to the job. Just messed about at my house as usual (he has no home, no income ... kept his stuff either w or his deceased mother's home. Things lasted till before Thanksgiving when he got lazier and less helpful until we got into another fight about control of TV remote.

He did a month of training in snowy conditions and then my father (who he liked) broke his leg and we again reconciled via phone. We enjoyed Christmas and New Years when he agreed he needed to work. The year started but he didn't. He said he didn't mind contributing financially but as soon as he was asked to work he ran back to his mother's house where all was free. He didn't say goodbye to me or my kids. He said his moving back to his mother's didn't mean we were over and we could see each other sometime. His goodbye was an email saying he didn't like that I didn't run my home or raise my kids the way he thinks I should (he has no children).

I haven't heard from him in a month. I am working today and get a "A Simple Wish: Have a Happy Valentines Day Baby."

I know I should prob ignore this but I'm tempted to either go off on him or reply in kind.

I can see he's not good for me but doesn't change my heart

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Don't reply in kind; it will just show him that he can treat you however he wants and still keep you on the hook. The best thing to do is just ignore. I've read that ignoring gets under a narcissist's skin more than anything. I understand that getting under his skin is not your goal, and you probably want him back even though you know he's not good for you. But this hot and cold act is absolutely soul-destroying, and it won't stop until YOU decide that you're done. The best way to show you're done is to ignore, or send a cold and to-the-point reply that you won't be with someone who comes in and out of your life... and then stick to it and actually be done. I know it hurts, and I know your heart wants him. But if you let him keep getting away with this, it will continue. He doesn't sound like a kind person.

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He is now 43. We have been together since he was 39. His family is from Mexico. He is one of 8 children. His father was a Mexican drug lord who kidnapped and raped his mother when she was 15. They had 7 children together trying to breed sons for his cartel. He best his kids and women (he had two other families) if they were not obedient. My bf was carrying an M-16 at 10 year old patrolling the weed fields by himself for days. His mother eventually ran north and worked in the fields of Ventura where she was raped by two other men and had her last 2 children. After years of struggling to raise her kids she married a longshoreman and bought a house. My bf has been career military having 5 deployments throughout Asia and Middle East. He returned from last deployment 5 years ago to find his mother dying of cancer. Instead of going back into full time service he went into the Reserves so he could be with his mother. He gave up his apartment and moved into 1 of the 3 bedrooms with his mother/stepfather in one and his 20-something baby brother in the last. They soon discovered their stepfather was cheating on their mom. The poor woman died of cancer and a betrayed heart. We met about 9 months later. He was still living in his mother's house despite what his stepfather had done. His younger brother had moved out. His stepfather brought his lover into the house and her 3 adult sons and their baby mamas and subsequent kids. He is not related to anyone there. He does not pay any bills. When we got together he drove to see me (2 hour drive) and was sweet, helpful, generous.

He had $150,000 in the bank from deployments so started spending like crazy. He bought 2 antique cars, truck, guns, scopes, rambled across the US.

When we met he had about $60,000 left. It quickly ran out. He started staying at my place semi-permanently, only returning to his deceased mother's home for clothes, tools, mail, etc. but he wouldn't Say we were living together, wouldn't admit it. He wouldn't take a key, just came in back door. He started changing my home, doing things His way. I would leave for work, the kids would leave for school and he'd stay at my house, often puttering in my garden. Sometimes he'd help do chores and I was Very grateful. But nothing about work except to say he Wanted to be a teacher or go back in the Army full time. I asked: What do you want to do? and Do you want to do it with me? He'd never answer, just tell me not to ask him, He didn't want to talk about it, He didn't feel ready, He didn't have an agenda.

Then all the money was gone, frittered away on nonsense. Then he found out he owed the Army $20,000 in overage when he didn't inform them of his divorce 10 years before. So they garnished 2/3 of his one weekend a month pay. Then he owed the IRS plus he had never paid off his student loans then took out a loan for medical testing ... he needed to work! He criticized his younger brother for not working as much as he should (who is he to point fingers?) then he criticized his sister for moving in with another sis when her bfriend left her (he lives for free!). He never acknowledged his hypocrisy. All of his family, colleagues told him how lucky he was to find a woman at our age who was loyal, hard-working, supportive, attractive, positive, family oriented ... he would say "You make me look good" I took it as a compliment but I see now how venomous that was. My family and friends were worried; he would throw tantrums, storm out, he'd say I said things I didn't and get mad at me for presumed wrongs. He'd threaten to leave if I ever said or did anything he didn't like. He was controlling about my hair, make up, clothes, nails. He would refuse to do things I suggested but demand we did what he wanted then rage at me when they didn't work well. He would often say I was going to do things his ex did although it's not my character. He would break into my phone to read my messages, email, look through photos and accuse me of having affairs during my lunch (I teach high school, tutor through my lunch and have 3,000 witnesses. He would suggest vacations and activities and then deny me doing them. I was constantly terrified to bring up topics he might lash out at. I said it was Jekyll and Hyde. Maybe he'd wash dishes, mop the floor, set out 2,3,4 bouquets of flowers or maybe he'd skulk out to the yard and literally throw a bouquet on the floor or in the trash. He said he loved and was proud of my children then he criticized them and didn't say goodbye. I've never felt so cared for and adored while at the same time worthless and used.

So I know his leaving was best but his wanting to come back was inevitable as the new wife wants him gone and he doesn't rule that house like he ruled mine. I know how good it would feel to have him hold me but also how it would just delay the pain.

I thought he acted the way he does because of his bizarre upbringing (kinda true) but I see that same ego and selfishness in his father, his older brother and his stepfather which is why he didn't resent the way his beloved mother was treated as he thinks women should accept however men want to treat them.

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^Completely agree. Get some counseling about this and go No Contact. You need to heal.

 

His new wife would NOT ACCEPT this behavior and you would. That's why he's coming back.

 

Also, I wouldn't believe any of those stories that he told you about his upbringing. I work with a narcissist who went off the rails last week on a coworker. Now that the office gossip is getting around, it looks like he was a pathological liar as well (grandiose stories of playing baseball in MLB, unsubstantiated academic accolades, etc.). They didn't fire the guy, but he's done here in terms of his career movement.

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Like somebody said above, I wouldn't believe all of his stories. Narcs love attention. I know it is difficult as ever but you should seriously leave this man alone. Nothing toxic is ever worth staying in. You deserve stability, consistency and respect but first you should love and respect yourself. Therapy is a great place to start. Wish you the best.

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I don't understand how can he be a Mexican and a drug lord son and still be this lazy! Well I mean his family have money but still, at least some aspiration in life. His mom was rape but still had 7 child with his father? These people are not "Healthy" please stay away. Unless you like all this drama bs.

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That's what I said! He's not lazy in the Army or even when he worked around my house (scrubbed floors on hands and knees) but not willing to work for himself or me or us? He now gets a $200/ month disability check so that's enough if someone else pays all his living expenses.

All his family are hard working, even his cheating stepdad works hard. I often questioned his stories but he kept me separated from his family/coworkers so I had limited chance to clarify. The few times I did they panned out but still ... The mom is revered by family but he's ok with how his stepdad treated her! ALL of his family have called him on that but it's free room and board.

No I don't like the drama, the roller coaster or being treated as insignificant.

Thank you all ... he always made me feel like I was wrong to think his behavior was unacceptable but when Anyone else Everyone else looks at it it's clear. Becoming clearer to me ... took way too long but

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You do not need to tell him what he should do. Any person with a minimum aspiration in life would not luve on a $200 monthly check, thats not even from his "hard work" my point is that ifyou are with someone that doesn't even make the effort to work for himself what do u expect? Do you really want thar in ur life? You deserve better.

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