6 years together and no ring

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years, going on 7, and I feel as if we are never going to get married or get a move on in life. We are going to both be 28 this year. He keeps telling me that he wants to marry me, if he didn't see a future with me he wouldn't be with me. We both live with our parents currently. He says he wants to get a house together first before he will propose. All of last year, I tried to find a house for us that we could afford within our budget. It was like pulling teeth. Every house we went to see, he found something wrong with it. I know he wants us to be in a more stable position financially (because I have student loans, he has zero debt) but people move in together with loans and can still make a house payment and bills. I still have a considerable amount of money left every month from my checks which I have been putting back.

On top of that, he wants me to lose weight. He admitted that he was going to break up with me if I didn't, and even told me at the beginning of November I had to lose 10lbs by the end of November otherwise he was going to dump me. We've talked about it since then. He still wants me to lose the weight but says he's going to break up with me over it. I've started dieting and getting up at 5am to go to the gym before work. I asked him if I was going to do this, he needed to build muscle. He's super skinny/thin. He went one day so far to the gym and hasn't gone back because he says he hurt himself.

In the entirety of our relationship, he has never done anything to surprise me romantically, even on holidays such as valentine's day. I have never gotten chocolates or flowers for any occassion. He doesn't view holidays as special, but just as any other ordinary day. There are some Christmas days where we haven't even exchanged gifts. He's says that he's never going to make plans for dates because his plans always get ruined somehow if he does.

I usually go to his parents house when we see eachother because it's five minutes from my workplace. I told him I hate it though because I have to remember to bring a change of clothes and shoes every day, plus I'm the one who has to drive home at night.

I also hate how he never listens to me. If he doesn't know what to do in a situation, instead of handling it himself or taking my advice, he always calls his mom. Him and his mom are very close. I feel he is a momma's boy.

Whenever we get in an argument, he always says he does so much for me, that I don't even realize how much he does/sacrifices he makes, etc. And I should be more appreciative. I do things for him all the time as well to help him as best I can because that's what you do in a relationship. But he always feels like he does more. I also hate how he always turns things back to him. I'll be upset about something, and he always manages to bring it back to him and how he's the victim, even when the topic has nothing to do with him at all.

Lately I just feel lonely in this relationship. I'm tired of it going nowhere, but at the same time there are a lot of things I still enjoy doing with him. We have a lot of the same interests, and we have a lot of fun together. He has helped me out financially when I was in a pinch, and does help me out in other situations as well. He's a good guy. He tells me he loves me and wants to be with me. But I feel trapped and as if I am wasting away my youth with him. It's not that I don't love him, and the idea of hurting him breaks my heart, but I just don't know what to do for my own stability and health. Any advice on how to get him to commit or move the relationship forward? Or should I cut ties and move on?

he wants me to lose weight. He admitted that he was going to break up with me if I didn't, and even told me at the beginning of November I had to lose 10lbs by the end of November otherwise he was going to dump me.

Oh, hell no. Unless you like excuses, mistreatment, emotional immaturity and manipulation, dump this asshat and find yourself a real man. He's a boy and he's always going to be.

This kind of relationship was probably fine when you were 22, but at 28 it seems your priorities are changing and his aren't. It's hard to let go of someone who has been such a big part of your life, but it's even harder to stay stagnant and fall short of achieving your potential.

Do you want to still be stuck in this same place 5 years from now? If not, take action. Your future self will thank you.

I feel for you, but I think you are wasting your life with him. Why is he saying you have to lose -0 pounds. Are you very overweight? For someone to threaten to break up with you if you don't lose 10 pounds seems weird and cruel - just doesn't seem normal. If you do get a house with him, your chances of getting married to him be even less. I think you should start working on a life without him.

I feel for you, but I think you are wasting your life with him. Why is he saying you have to lose -0 pounds. Are you very overweight? For someone to threaten to break up with you if you don't lose 10 pounds seems weird and cruel - just doesn't seem normal. If you do get a house with him, your chances of getting married to him be even less. I think you should start working on a life without him.

I know I'm overweight now. I'm 170lbs. I know I used to be 110lbs 2 years ago and wear a pants size 2-4. Even at that weight he told me I could stand to lose more in the legs/thighs/butt. I know I let myself go, but the lack of support and affection made food more tempting. I know emotional eating is not the right thing to do, but it was a very tough time and I had no support system to turn to.

Oh wow, I'm sorry but he wants to break up with you over 10lbs? You want to marry this guy? Why?

You know what, you get married, let's say you want kids and get pregnant. Is he going to break up with you then because you've gained 20lbs? Or let's say you get sick and have to go on medications, which makes you gain weight. Is he going to divorce you because of it?

You really need to start thinking about these scenario before wanting to marry someone. Will this person be there for me regardless? It's important, trust me!

There are things in life that is out of your control and it does happened. You want to marry someone whom will accept you for who you are and whom will be there for you.

What are you sticking around for? He is critical, nasty, and clearly shallow. Don't waste any more of your youth and on such an unpleasant fellow. Move on and maybe do some work on figuring out why you would want to hang on so long in such an unhealthy relationship.

Oh, hell no. Unless you like excuses, mistreatment, emotional immaturity and manipulation, dump this asshat and find yourself a real man. He's a boy and he's always going to be.

 

This kind of relationship was probably fine when you were 22, but at 28 it seems your priorities are changing and his aren't. It's hard to let go of someone who has been such a big part of your life, but it's even harder to stay stagnant and fall short of achieving your potential.

 

Do you want to still be stuck in this same place 5 years from now? If not, take action. Your future self will thank you.

arjumand are you sticking around for? He is critical, nasty, and clearly shallow. Don't waste any more of your youth and on such an unpleasant fellow. Move on and maybe do some work on figuring out why you would want to hang on so long in such an unhealthy relationship.[/i]

I totally agree with the two posts above. Absolutely nailed it.

I don't think he has any intentions of marrying you - hence all his excuses all the time. You are wasting your time with this jerk (sorry). Time to re-think this relationship before you waste another 5 years. Don't wait until you're 35 and still waiting for the ring. You are still young. It will be hard, but you really have to think about your future. A future with this jerk is going to leave you miserable.

the lack of support and affection made food more tempting. I know emotional eating is not the right thing to do, but it was a very tough time and I had no support system to turn to.

I think this relationship has been very hard on your self-esteem. Perhaps you are staying because you don't feel like anyone else would want you. This is a common side-effect of emotional abuse.

Darling, you are so much better than you think you are. There's someone wonderful out there for you, and the first step to finding him is to declare your independence from the douche bag you are currently with.

You deserve better.

I can just about guarantee that if you get support to build your self-esteem, dump him and get on with a better life, you will not need to comfort eat. Agree, he is a nasty man.

Hello, Cotton, and welcome to the forum.

The above posters are giving you sound analysis and feedback, and their advice is bang on.

I don't think I can add to their input, or that it needs to be added to, but rather, I hope to reinforce the notable, singular consensus in these replies and draw your focus to it.

Chiefly, the indignation on your behalf, that you or anyone should be marginalized as this chap is unapologetically doing to you, and the righteous outrage at the appalling conditions he is imposing on you to qualify for his idea of lifelong partner material.

You only need qualify for yourself. There is absolutely no partnership offered here, nor will there be, even if you reduce and demean yourself to meet his reprehensible parameters.

Please, please don't.

You are worth more than this. You decide if you deserve better than a fellow who is effectively saying that he will have you 'if..' when he's long benefited from having you, already, 'as.'

He doesn't merit more. You do.

I'm so sorry you're in this position. I realize it's beyond unpleasant and heart-rending. But it will not get remotely better by your staying.

Leave him his callous conditions. Leave him his strangely exacting, one-sided demands.

Leave him.

And focus on you. You are the one to please and strive for in this. Make yourself the priority you deserve and on your terms.

Whatever you choose, I wish you the best of luck. And brighter days, soon. You can do this.

I didn't read past the part where he threatens to break up with you if you don't lose 10 pounds.

I didn't need to read further.

How can you believe someone's words that they want to marry you, and at the same time telling you they'd leave you if you don't do XYZ (whatever it is they want you to do)? Do you think someone who is committed to you, who is actually thinking about marrying you, would even think about breaking up with you? Over something so mean and cruel nonetheless.

And obviously it's not about your weight gain, when you were 110pounds, he told you you could lose weight. Seriously? You should've dumped him then.

Someone who actually cares about you and want to do things for you, wouldn't be using the stuff they do for you as leverage to get what they want (eg to win arguments). They just do it and not think about it again, they don't think about what they're getting in return.

So you don't want to hurt him, but he doesn't give it a second thought when he hurts you (lose 10 pounds or I'm gone)?

How do you feel safe being with someone who would break up with you because of your weight? Do you think you'll ALWAYS maintain low weight? Do you think you won't gain weight when you have a baby? What if you don't lose that weight or aren't as slim as you used to be after a baby? Will he threaten to leave again? Or will he feel that's a free licence to cheat because his condition of staying with you and marrying you was that you stay thin, so since you "reneged" on your part of the bargain, so will he?

Bottom line, this relationship is bringing you down, emotionally and physically. You need to get out of it.

Why are you with him, genuine question. What's good about him. Because you just painted a very ugly picture and yet you're saying you want to move forward and marry him. What are we missing?

Lose 150 lbs - him!

Lose 150 lbs - him!

Seconded.

No one is insensitive to your hurt and struggle. You just can't get a better, more real answer than the above, in my mind.

All the best.

I'm sure that your identity is intrinsically tied to him. That will be the toughest thing to get over.

Why would he marry you? You've chosen to accept his behavior and now he's conditioned to act/think/feel toward you in the manner that you've trained him. This is as good as it will get with him until he moves on unless you choose to move out/on without him for YOU.

I'm sure this will freak him out and he'll swear he's going to change, blah, blah. Know this: He won't.

The sooner that you start moving on, the sooner the healing process starts. Join a gym where he and his friends do not go to. Get a trainer and a nutritionist, if it is feasible financially. Make time to work out so you can clear your mind and heart. This is the first step towards the getting the time and distance away from him and for you to change your life for the better.

Why are you with him, genuine question. What's good about him. Because you just painted a very ugly picture and yet you're saying you want to move forward and marry him. What are we missing?

He helped me out financially when I needed it. I have paid him back since I have a better paying job now. My mom and I don't have the best relationship and he's there for me through that. I enjoy being with him and we have similar interests together.

Get an apt and become financially stable, not for him, for yourself. Learn the responsibilities of living as an adult first..

He's not ready to commit to anyone if he's still living with his mommy. Neither of you are ready for marriage. You are wasting your time after 7 years if you two can't get it together at 28 years old.

He also sounds like a shallow jerk. Face it he doesn't want to marry and he's tossing out this and that to taunt you with your chronic begging for marriage.

We both live with our parents currently. he wants us to be in a more stable position financially Any advice on how to get him to commit or move the relationship forward?

Actually, although he's critical and undermining, the crucial thing is that he's never cut the apron strings and operated as an autonomous adult. Him repeatedly stalling and finding fault is a way of not committing to you, and therefore ensuring his continued connection with mummy.

Find yourself a man, rather than a spoilt little boy.