Ex GF contacts me after 1 year, I've met someone new.

My ex and I were together from 18, on and off through our studies and travel but in a committed relationship nonetheless for 5 years. Our relationship became what I can only think as an adult one and we decided to move in together at age 23. It was a tricky period; we had both started new courses and I admit to not feeling at home in the new place we rented with her friends. I admit it was rushed. I felt trapped and hit the wall mentally. She lacked the capacity to listen and every time we sought to resolve it things blew up into argument. After less than two months in the new house we split. If I am honest it was me that was dumped, I was blindsided. It was very intense. I had to start anew. Soon after I relocated to get closer to my University, disconnected myself from her in anyway possible and just buried my head in my work and studies. I achieved a lot in that period. Around 8 months later I met a girl from my course which at the beginning was very casual. It grew into a relationship and we spent 1 month overseas together and it was great. Comparing this girl with my ex, everything is easy, we share so much in common, have the same passions, she is immensely supportive, intelligent and talented, and the sex is decent. The whole time however I am doing exactly that, comparing her to my ex, more so on shallow premises such as appearances and the clothes she wares, and the music she likes etc etc. My ex remains in my mind unfortunately. Shortly before Valentines day as if by some coincidence my ex contacted me and said she still loved me. If I am honest I still think about my ex a lot (I am unsure if this is some kind of love or just ruminations) whilst at the same time very much growing to love more and more my current gf. I met a lot of girls in my time alone, but the whole time I thought about my ex and still do, meanwhile(as of the last couple of months) being in a committed relationship. Where does one draw the line between being in a committed relationship and thinking of ones ex? can the two healthily co-exist or does one yield sooner or later? I hope that the thoughts of my ex do reside in time but her contacting me has sparked new emotions.

You're not the only one who thinks about your ex, but it's a slippery slope. Even if you were single, I'd advise you to think twice about resuming things with someone who hurt you in the past. If you go back, you'll probably get more of the same -- the good stuff and the bad stuff.

It's one thing to think, and another to act. Decide where you'll draw the line, and be careful.

It's normal to look back or remember or even compare sometimes. Don't worry about the contact, of course that would dredge up things. Maybe it's time to block her.

She may have broken up with someone and is looking for attention, etc. It's best to go forward, not backward so stay focused on the new gf.

Just curious, you described the sex as "decent", do you feel unfulfilled or less attraction than you hoped? grew into a relationship and we spent 1 month overseas together and it was great. Comparing this girl with my ex, everything is easy, we share so much in common, have the same passions, she is immensely supportive, intelligent and talented, and the sex is decent. my ex contacted me and said she still loved me. her contacting me has sparked new emotions.

I say stick with your current girlfriend. You can always contact your ex if this current relationship fizzles out. Let it play out.

You've met someone else, your ex is single right now. It's not the right time to start dumping people for ex's. Your ex will just have to miss out on you, this time round.

its reassuring to hear that other people have a similar situation, being with someone new and thinking of your last. By decent I mean it's good, it's really good. And yet in saying that, there is a certain spark lacking despite on all other fronts it being better.

Comparisons...I remember once being with a new woman and thinking "Oh, you like peppermint flavored gum? Hmm, my ex was spearmint all the way..." It was the silliest, most shallow thing but it mattered to me in that moment for some bizarre reason.

You met the new one at 8 months away from your ex; a time when the breakup was no longer fresh and raw but neither was it some distant memory from the far-flung past. It may not have been a bad idea to let a few more leaves blow over the breakup first but I'm not at all a believer in waiting forever, either. We only get so much time on this planet.

Some people may tell you "You clearly aren't over your ex, let your current girlfriend go, etc." I wouldn't go that far, at least not at this time. I think you just got a jolt from your ex and need to let it settle.

What I will say, however, is that your current deserves someone who is 100% on board. That doesn't mean that you never think of your ex. I'm 40 and recently ran into a woman I dated at 21 and she started popping in my mind for about a week afterwards. It happens. People you've had feelings for at one point in your life end up leaving an indelible impression in your brain. That just means that you're committed to leaving your ex behind you and moving forward with your current. Try to stop the comparisons and take and be grateful for her on her terms.

Try it, but if you find your heart just isn't in it, then you may have to make a decision.

If your heart is in it, then maybe block your ex so she can't provide anymore distractions.

Interesting, yeah it's hard to forget the "hot" part of hot mess, no?

By decent I mean it's good, it's really good. And yet in saying that, there is a certain spark lacking despite on all other fronts it being better.

I don't think it's coincidence the ex contacted you close to v day. A lot of people are lonely around this time. The dating sites get hopping hot apparently. Forums get a deluge. And a lot of us get 'random' messages from long time exes or even one hit wonders from our pasts.

Take your gf out for v day and put this out of mind at least for today. If you find yourself not able to get excited or fully focus on your gf even when you are together and on dates.. Well then you have a problem.

Do not reciprocate contact with your ex. Leave her in the past. It was admittedly off and on and a relationship you probably both outgrew. Do yourself a favor and leave her behind.

"Don't look back, it hurts your neck".

I had a situation like this a long time ago. While you are torn emotionally by the memories of the past, you have to be respectful of the person that is presently invested in you and your relationship.

You need to dwell on the memories of why you split with the ex - the fights/disagreements, the emotions you felt after the split, etc.....all of the things that told you that it wasn't going to work.

This is one step away from becoming emotional cheating.