Fear of Hospitals

If this is in the wrong forum category, I do apologize.

So after being with my husband for 12 years and FINALLY having stable jobs, we are thinking about trying for a baby. I'm a little happy about it, but feel more overwhelmed by it.

Just one problem: I have a tremendous fear of hospitals. My husband use to work at a hospital, so one would think I have overcome my fear of it, right? Wrong. I refused to visit my husband's work except for one occasion of bringing him dinner (and it took a LOT of courage for me to go). I literally had raised heart rate and shakes from just sitting in the parking lot. Husband does not know about that because I didn't want to look like a coward in front of his coworkers and make him look bad.

My irrational fear stemmed from a traumatic experience as a five year old. My uncle died from AIDS virus and my lasting memory of him was seeing him sick and dying in a hospital bed with no concept of death (my family honestly thought he would make it). I had a very difficult time processing death for a few years after that incident. The same year, my aunt was in a devestating car accident that gave her severe traumatic brain injury (TBI) that she is permanently in a wheelchair and under nursing care.

So I view hospitals as a place of death or a place of near death. I only went to the hospital after getting a concussion from an abusive ex boyfriend, which serves as another bad memory.

My question is how do I overcome this fear before getting pregnant? I had two friends who recently delivered two beautiful babies but they had complications along the way and are still recovering. Not feeling that... I prefer adoption because I'm a wuss over hospitals and surgeries but my husband really wants his own child. He is ok with having two kids as long as one of them is biologically ours.

Oh and in case anyone is wondering, I'm in my early 30's. So yea, time to make a decision.

Why not have your baby at a birthing center? You would only be rushed to hospital if complications arise. This is unlikely. You are more likely to have complications in an American hospital because of all of the unnecessary interventions they do. Are you in America?

I had midwives tend to my entire pregnancy. A slight complication (all the amniotic fluid drained before the birth) legally meant that I had to go to hospital. We went with a birth plan in hand and our baby was delivered by the onstaff midwife. For most of the labor, it was just my husband, baby and me. The midwife was just present at the end to deliver my son. My husband was able to catch him and cut the cord. I delivered vaginally and only needed one stitch.

I was 41 years old, by the way. I had the easiest pregnancy in the world. If I would have used an ob/gyn and scheduled a hospital birth with no birth plan, I probably would have been coerced into a caesarian. The area of the US where I live has one of the highest caesarian rates in the country.

Research your local birthing centers. Pregnancy and delivery can be positive experiences when you educate yourself to all of the options.

You can also have your baby at home with a midwife. Two of my brother's children were born at home .

I get you though I am terrified of medical professionals ,medical procedures and hospitals .

Overcoming phobias can be an involved process and finding the right technique . But " flooding" may make your phobia worse . Flooding is where you force yourself to face the phobia .

Even if you opt to give birth at home or at a birthing center, you will still have your fear of hospitals and this could very well effect you in the future with other situations. I recommend looking into overcoming your fear over time. You or your husband or future child may need to go to the hospital for something and you want to be as calm as possible and able to be there for them.

It's very normal to be uncomfortable in hospitals. They are not pleasant places. The fear is irrational and I know you can get over this with some time and understanding. Have you looked online about exposure therapy? I think you can do this here to overcome your fear

Do you have any nice, close friends who work in hospitals? Techs, nurses, doctors, therapists? Maybe one of those friends can help you out, maybe walk through part of the hospital together, get used to the sights and such.

I do live in the US. I don't want to wait until my 40s to give birth because there are higher risks of birth complications and a higher chance of a child having a disability. I have ADHD and expect my future child/children to have it, but unfortunately it's very common for people with ADHD to have an additional disability. I'm not making this up either- my graduate degree is in mental health and I did massive research on causes of cognitive disabilities.

BeenThereB4, you had it luckier. One of my best friends is 36 and has recent complications where she had to return to the hospital TWICE after labor.

How reliable are midwives? Home births sounds more comforting, but what about the mess? Has anyone here ever done one?

Fudgie: my husband was a nurse who worked in the emergency room (that exasperated the fear of mine even though I would never be able to go into his department directly). He is a traveling ultrasound to nursing homes or hospitals that are far from home. I don't think I can travel with him because of patient confidentiality and distractions. Other than him I do not have any friends who work at hospitals- they're either teachers, in political/legal offices or IT services.

I will look into pregnancy centers and make a visit to one first. I know this fear is so irrational and I'm being a giant Chicken S* about it, but I have never been able to conquer it. Thanks guys!

Home birth!!!!!!! Water birth!!! My midwife does home births, but she delivered mine at a hospital, because they have water births there.

Congrats! I'm so happy you are going to try.

I have so much to say about water births - they are magical experiences. You rent a tub. It will cost you like $2000 to have the baby at home. Versus $15,000 at a hospital. A lot of midwives take insurance. I never had one, but have several friends who have had one.

And if you feel your hubby can't manage the process like 100%, which is super normal, get a doula, and research for one at 27 or 30 weeks.

And take the Bradley Method course when you are about 4 or 5 months prego! This goes over everything, and I mean everything to expect when about giving birth and pain management. This is how I got through 66 hours of labor with the first, and 33 with the second (well, that and my epidural).

Here's a look at costs:

You can rent DVDs at the library about water births

Home birth aside (I won't give my opinion on that), no matter what you decide, I think it's worth working on this fear not just due to impending pregnancy, but because you never know what life will throw at you. You may have yourself, your husband, or your child in the hospital for an emergency or routine procedure. You may be in a MVA, you may need your gallbladder out, or maybe you will want to be there for an ailing friend or relative.

Giving birth at home or a center should be done out of what you want and your sense of comfort, don't do it JUST to avoid hospitals because of an irrational fear. Because chances are, you will need to go into one someday for something else.

You are NOT a chicken s__t. You had a traumatic experience and it no doubt caused this for you. I get it. That's not chicken s__t nor does it speak to your character or bravery. So many people have irrational fears, including myself, and it's okay. How you cope with it is key.

Your husband is a traveling nurse and I agree with you, wouldn't be good for you just to show up with him at work. I was thinking if he worked locally, you could work your way up to maybe visiting him for a lunch break at work, just getting that exposure to the hospital and practicing coping mechanisms. I see now that it's not possible, also because you have no friends who work in hospitals.

BTW, you will probably never be wholly comfortable in a hospital and that's okay. Many people aren't. The key is to get to a point where you can go in a hospital and stay relatively calm and level headed so you can make decisions if you have to. You owe that to yourself and your family cause you never know what may happen in the future!

This is what I think.. I think you should start reading and getting involved with pre natal stuff, even Meet ups and forums. But be open and honest with the other women about your fear of hospitals. Don't be ashamed! Talk about it with others! See if you can meet some friends who work in the medical field and can offer some insight to you and answer questions. If you have friends who are going to a hospital to give birth and they say they want visitors, ask if you can visit. It will let you experience some of the hospital and let you get a little familiar.

You will work this out, I know this.

Yes, Fudgie is right. Sorry, got caught up! I think if you start with trying to figure out what scares you about hospitals, you can work through it. Did you lose someone there? Do you fear the idea of dying there, and why? What about the hospital are you scared of? Is it the same with a doctor's office or clinic? Or an assisted living or nursing home? These are things you need to ask yourself in order to work through the layers. Sometimes it's retraining your brain with positive associations.

Wow 12 years together. Congrats on that and being in a good place to try for a baby.

My honest advice is to get a therapist who has dealt with trauma issues before. Tell him or her exactly what you told us here. Have that support and guidance for the entire process.

Also seek out as much support from other people - mothers yes, but you may be surprised who can relate and be of help besides the obvious ones.

I myself have trauma issues due to earlier life experiences that are centered on physical harm and hospitals. In this last year my mom got sick, and I wanted to be there for her, so I got a therapist right away. I had previous therapy but this time it was very focused on getting me through this particular life event so I may be present for it emotionally and have no regrets in the future as far as what I wanted to make of it goes. It helped, and helps, me tremendously. I was able to do things I never would have thought I'd have the ability to.

I see you in a few years time having come out of this stronger. And with the child you and your husband are ready to give all this love to.

Your husband being a nurse gives you a huge advantage.

I'm going to disagree with the last 2 posters. I think it would benefit you to try and conquer your fear because you never know when you may have to visit or check into a hospital, but I don't think it's wise to try and conquer that fear when pregnant. You want to stay as stress free as possible, especially during delivery.

If you're trying to focus on controlling your anxiety, your focus won't be where it needs to be which is 110% on delivering your baby.

Not to mention the more you're stressed or anxious, the more painful your labor is likely to be. You want to be somewhere you feel comfortable and safe. Like your own home or at a birthing center. Talk with a midwife or even an OB, they should be able to answer any questions you may have about home births. Midwives are very reliable. When I had my daughter, one of the doctors I saw most at my OB was a midwife and she gave me so much useful information and made me feel so much more comfortable than the OBGYNs.

I think you should do some research, ask around, doctors and midwives are used to the questions so don't feel nervous or stupid. And make sure if you do decide to try and conquer your fear, do so at a comfortable place and maybe have a backup plan just in case.

Good luck and congratulations!!

I don't agree with the above poster. I am pro home births and working with a midwife if that it a part of your plan. But things can and do happen, and you may need to go to the hospital for some reason whether it's a complication with the pregnancy, the birth or with your child that may need extra attention. All good midwives know when you may need extra care in a facility setting.

She isn't pregnant yet. She is planning ahead, so this is an opportune time to work on and addressing what triggers her fear and anxiety with hospitals.

snny, if you decide to update us on your thoughts, what you chose, how you like it, i would be interested in following. i don't have a fear of hospitals, but i would like to know what people who do find helpful.

i do hope that you find something that helps you get over the fear so that if, even at a later point, you're faced having to go into a hospital, you're cool with that. if impossible, then whatever alternative is safe and comfortable. perhaps asking an obstetrician at your hospital what they recommend in such cases? surely, you can't be the first or last person with this fear.

if you look into psychological help for this, be sure to ask precisely what approaches they do and don't recommend. for example, exposure therapy can be harmful in some cases, trauma narratives as well etc, and they're incredibly helpful in other cases. let them know how you experience hospitals in detail, so that they have an idea whether you've ever dissociated for example, or whether there are just alterations in consciousness, and details like that which help them decide on the approach. much as i would applaud you for courage if you tried to overcome this on your own, i don't think you would be posting this if your fear was something that can be ameliorated simply through courage. you're versed in these things so you'll know what is beyond self-help. exposure in the form of reading, talking, may be helpful though, and doesn't sound like it would lead to flooding.

Seraphim, how long does emdr take for something like this? she has a few isolated though bad incidents and it's just this one specific fear of hospitals rather than some generalized trauma response, so maybe therapy targeted at isolated problems like that would help?

good luck with the pregnancy!

I would research midwives in your area, call them, ask them if you could talk to them about your plans and fears. Talk to other parents. Find out about birthing center experiences and home births and hospital births and after. Also address your past trauma. It is understandable that your younger self could not fully process the trauma when it happened and now that you are older you have different resources to help with it. And remember, focus on birth, new life, a new being in your life, the amazement of it.

snny, if you decide to update us on your thoughts, what you chose, how you like it, i would be interested in following. i don't have a fear of hospitals, but i would like to know what people who do find helpful.

 

i do hope that you find something that helps you get over the fear so that if, even at a later point, you're faced having to go into a hospital, you're cool with that. if impossible, then whatever alternative is safe and comfortable. perhaps asking an obstetrician at your hospital what they recommend in such cases? surely, you can't be the first or last person with this fear.

 

if you look into psychological help for this, be sure to ask precisely what approaches they do and don't recommend. for example, exposure therapy can be harmful in some cases, trauma narratives as well etc, and they're incredibly helpful in other cases. let them know how you experience hospitals in detail, so that they have an idea whether you've ever dissociated for example, or whether there are just alterations in consciousness, and details like that which help them decide on the approach. much as i would applaud you for courage if you tried to overcome this on your own, i don't think you would be posting this if your fear was something that can be ameliorated simply through courage. you're versed in these things so you'll know what is beyond self-help. exposure in the form of reading, talking, may be helpful though, and doesn't sound like it would lead to flooding.

 

Seraphim, how long does emdr take for something like this? she has a few isolated though bad incidents and it's just this one specific fear of hospitals rather than some generalized trauma response, so maybe therapy targeted at isolated problems like that would help?

 

good luck with the pregnancy!

I had EMDR for trauma of sexual abuse. However they must be sure you are emotionally stable before they begin treatment. So that will require talking to you first . Find out what your goal is for the treatment . I had 10 sessions and it was successful as far as a lot of my PTSD is concerned . So I would say it took a few months .

 

I'm planning on asking for Emdr again for my panic around medical procedures .

but I don't think it's wise to try and conquer that fear when pregnant. You want to stay as stress free as possible, especially during delivery.

I don't know how that's going to happen when I work in the mental health field. I work with clients who are low-maintenence to clients with severe emotional/behavioral disabilities. Not an easy job at all, very high stress level. It's not like I can leave the company and come back since I worked with the company under a year (I "recently graduated from grad school)

I'm on anti-anxiety/ADHD meds to handle the workload. It's going to get easier after I settled in a year, but I can't stay on the meds when pregnant... This is going to be very interesting. As much as I hate to say this, I won't be surprised if I have a miscarriage. Again, I am at an age I can no longer wait on childbirth.