Stood Up on Valentines Day

So This is a follow up to my previous posts about a guy I started dating before Christmas. My last real relationship was very abusive and this was my first real attempt at a relationship in 3 years. I met him on Tinder, and was immediately drawn to him because he was very gentle, no man had ever treated me so gently and it made me feel very safe.

Things sort of progressed at lightning speed with him showering me in gifts and adoration and taking me on luxurious dates. I made sure I paid for some of our outings to be fair, and I did my best to try and slow the pace of things. He expected to sleep with me right away, but I was terrified and just couldn't. He figured out I had been abused in the past and said he had no problem waiting for me, he just needed to know it was going to happen one day and I was attracted to him.

We kept dating and after a beautiful date in NYC I decided I was ready to sleep with him. He was shocked and unprepared and couldn't perform. The attempt turned into a disaster, I got all flustered and felt like I had done something to turn him off and awkwardly tried to leave his apartment. He called me back inside, we kissed and made up, I apologized for running and he said he wanted to keep seeing me and dating me.

I later asked him if he wanted to see other people would he let me know. He told me of course he would but was into me. I told him I was worried he wasn't attracted to me because of the failed sex and he said it was because of the alcohol and he was literally in shock. He said after 11 dates he wasn't sure it would ever happen, he had never waited so long, and wasn't expecting it. He reassured me and I felt better.

The next weekend (Super Bowl Sunday) we went on a date and tried again, it was phenomenal. He kissed me a million times as I was leaving and sent me a picture of the red dress he wanted me to wear on Valentine's Day. He asked if I would be his Valentine and said that this would be the best Valentines Day of my life, so get ready.

Last week (the week of Super Bowl Sunday) he didn't make plans to see me during the week and I had an event for my job out of state for Saturday and Sunday. We got a blizzard on Wednesday and Thursday, and Friday the roads were a disaster. Saturday and Sunday I was unavailable, but it snowed anyhow. I FaceTime chatted him on Wednesday and things seemed normal. He had gotten the news he got a promotion and pay raise that Monday and it was the perfect week for him, he said everything was coming together.

I mentioned I'd like to see him during the week and he brought up the blizzard and the event I had that weekend and said we were looking into the following week (this week). He did agree that we should see eachother more though. I noticed on Saturday he didn't text me until very late in the evening, and his texts were void of emotion, he was talking strictly about the gym and his "summer body". He asked how my day was, but didn't seem as warm as usual.

Later Saturday night I texted him a simple "goodnight" and I woke up Sunday to see he hadn't responded when he ALWAYS responds. Without thinking I texted him the link to a funny video Sunday morning and he responded laughing and said it was really funny. He did not respond or text me at all after which is not like him cause he always texts throughout the day. I noticed he has been on Facebook 24/7 and has simply been choosing not to communicate me while just surfing social media. I noticed he still his my pictures up on his Facebook and after we slept together, he changed his age to "91" on Tinder so he wouldn't show up in anybody's matches (which I appreciate).

Yesterday, Monday he did not contact me at all and was on Facebook all day. I texted him at 9pm "hi I hope you had a good day and he did not respond and was on Facebook until midnight. He has NEVER ignored me or not contacted me since we have been dating, ever.

I am very hurt I'm getting stood up on Valentine's Day, and I feel so stupid for being vulnerable with this guy. I have no idea what I did or what happened to make him not want to talk to me anymore, but he has completely shut down. This is not the sweet, gentle, sensitive man I've been falling in love with. It's like he's suddenly as cold as ice and I have no clue what to do.

I feel like I can't make good decisions about men, I feel stupid and like there's something wrong with me preventing me from finding love. Like no matter what, men will never find me good enough to treat well, because no man ever has. From your perspective, please tell me what I did, and if I should ask him for closure? I'm so upset and I feel completely undesirable.

I don't believe you did anything wrong. I feel bad that you slept with him and he's just ignoring you like this without explanation. It's probably not you, but him. It's possible he met someone else or has lost interest in you for whatever reason.

Maybe ask him what's up with him when he next speaks to you? And Valentine's Day has just begun (well I live in NY, it's 2:41am here). There's a chance the date is still on, who knows.

Wait it out and see what happens. If he ends up bailing then definitely do not speak to him anymore.

I don't believe you did anything wrong. I feel bad that you slept with him and he's just ignoring you like this without explanation. It's probably not you, but him. It's possible he met someone else or has lost interest in you for whatever reason.

 

Maybe ask him what's up with him when he next speaks to you? And Valentine's Day has just begun (well I live in NY, it's 2:41am here). There's a chance the date is still on, who knows.

 

Wait it out and see what happens. If he ends up bailing then definitely do not speak to him anymore.

I feel so stupid. Weeks before we slept together he asked me why I was scared of intimacy. He said I was used to dealing with boys but he was a man. He wouldn't hurt me, he wanted a long term relationship, and he wasn't the guy that would stop talking to me after sex. He said he wanted to romance me, and love me the way no man ever had. He said it would just get better from there.

He was super romantic and followed through on everything he ever promised me, until now. This is completely out of character for him. I know we haven't been dating long, but he followed through on everything he ever said.

He is not a sweet and sensitive man. He used you for sex, and I think it is terrible.

There were a lot of red flags that you were warned about. Two that stick to to me: fast forwarding the relationship and continuous boundary busting.

OP, your picker is off. I suggest you return to therapy, as I think that you are still traumatized by your ex, and need to work through things.

I'm sorry that this happened. I think you should go back and read all of your threads to identify future problems.

Please be single for at least six months.

I feel so stupid. Weeks before we slept together he asked me why I was scared of intimacy. He said I was used to dealing with boys but he was a man. He wouldn't hurt me, he wanted a long term relationship, and he wasn't the guy that would stop talking to me after sex. He said he wanted to romance me, and love me the way no man ever had. He said it would just get better from there.

 

He was super romantic and followed through on everything he ever promised me, until now. This is completely out of character for him. I know we haven't been dating long, but he followed through on everything he ever said.

It sounds like he was saying all these sweet nothings to get into your pants. I wouldn't even use tinder as a way to meet men. Tinder is a dating app for people who want to hook up. Finding love on there is rare.

He's a jerk and there's no excuse for his behavior. Take this as a lesson and don't speak to him. And when he comes back (he will) don't take his excuses! Tell him bye bye and move on.

I agree with Angry! Why are you using a hookup app when seeking a relationship? There are much better options.

I agree with Angry! Why are you using a hookup app when seeking a relationship? There are much better options.

I guess I thought there were nice guys on there too, and as long as I was honest I might find a good match. I know I'm a freaking idiot and I feel used and terrible. I've been crying all day and thinking about staying home from work tomorrow. I've drafted this message to send him in the morning:

"I don't want to argue, just respectfully asking for closure to help me move on. I'm sad/confused abt how things turned out, but I'm not angry or blaming you. Perhaps I'm just out of touch, or naieve or something.

Pls just send a short txt abt what happened to help me, and I'll go away."

Don't send him that text.

I don't see a problem in calling him out on bailing on this "best Valentine's Day ever", but your message is just too passive and meek-sounding. "I'm not blaming you" and "I'll go away"?? Oh, hale no. You need to find your backbone, girlfriend.

Unfortunately, this guy sounds like a classic player. He knew exactly what to say to hook you. You're not an idiot, but you do need to tune up your Playa Radar. There were warning signs he was trying to woo you into bed. How could he promise to love in a way that no man ever had? He didn't know you well enough to make such a huge promise. That was a major red flag. Now you know what to watch out for. I'm sorry this happened to you, I know it's very hurtful. You deserve better, and please don't rely on Tinder for real dating. Yeah, there might be the odd good one on there, but it is primarily used for hook-ups.

I guess I thought there were nice guys on there too, and as long as I was honest I might find a good match. I know I'm a freaking idiot and I feel used and terrible. I've been crying all day and thinking about staying home from work tomorrow. I've drafted this message to send him in the morning:

 

"I don't want to argue, just respectfully asking for closure to help me move on. I'm sad/confused abt how things turned out, but I'm not angry or blaming you. Perhaps I'm just out of touch, or naieve or something.

 

Pls just send a short txt abt what happened to help me, and I'll go away."

Don't send him any text. Nothing.

Keep your dignity and don't ask for anything from him. No closure, nothing. Just get on with your life. Sending him a desperate text like that will turn him more from you than he already has.

I know it's driving you mad, cause you don't know. But a text like that will just make things worse.

Give yourself some time to yourself. No contacting him!! Go out and see friends, do some fun things which can distract you.

He still might contact you yet, you don't know. But don't wait around.

You make sense, I won't send it. It just sucks I'm the idiot up crying 3AM before Valentine's Day and he's happy and secretly laughing at me. I feel like I just tried to run a marathon with an injured leg and fell flat on my face.

I guess I just want to know what he's thinking. He would always contact me the day before we were supposed to meet and I'm terribly hurt by this.

I guess I thought there were nice guys on there too, and as long as I was honest I might find a good match. I know I'm a freaking idiot and I feel used and terrible. I've been crying all day and thinking about staying home from work tomorrow. I've drafted this message to send him in the morning:

 

"I don't want to argue, just respectfully asking for closure to help me move on. I'm sad/confused abt how things turned out, but I'm not angry or blaming you. Perhaps I'm just out of touch, or naieve or something.

 

Pls just send a short txt abt what happened to help me, and I'll go away."

That text would make you sound pathetic and needy. Pleaseeeee do not send that message girl lol. Wait for him to text you and just shortly ask "why have you been so distant lately" or something similar. Idk, maybe the other posters disagree with that message too. Get their opinion before even sending that one .

Wait for him to text you. Do not text or call him.

Okay, I'll say "I feel like you have been really distant" and just leave it as that if he texts me tomorrow/today. Or what if the texts like we had no plans? What do I say if he doesn't text me at all today but does later in the week like nothing happened?

I don't see he's been on Tinder and there's nothing shady going on with his social media. No comments from girls and my pics are up, I'm so confused.

Okay, I'll say "I feel like you have been really distant" and just leave it as that if he texts me tomorrow/today. Or what if the texts like we had no plans? What do I say if he doesn't text me at all today but does later in the week like nothing happened?

 

I don't see he's been on Tinder and there's nothing shady going on with his social media. No comments from girls and my pics are up, I'm so confused.

If he texts you today just ask if the plans were still on.

You make sense, I won't send it. It just sucks I'm the idiot up crying 3AM before Valentine's Day and he's happy and secretly laughing at me. I feel like I just tried to run a marathon with an injured leg and fell flat on my face.

 

I guess I just want to know what he's thinking. He would always contact me the day before we were supposed to meet and I'm terribly hurt by this.

Ouch, I'm sorry you feel this way.

Even if this guy does contact you tomorrow/today for valentines day, I wouldn't answer or even bother with him anymore. This was clearly out of line, to not even send a single text or anything about any plans. It's rude and playing mind games with you. You've already gotten the cold shoulder from him and a strange vibe from his communication, or lack thereof. Why are you even bothering anymore? I would forget about this guy, he's not worth the trouble. He's tinder trash, the epiphany of everything wrong with online dating. The others above are right, Tinder is mostly a hookup app. Get out there and meet someone face-to-face where you can read the person and know if they are a player or not. Sounds like he's very hot and cold as well, he rushes into things and then it backfires on him. You've barely been together a few months (you said xmas time), he's already planned/took you on extravagant/expensive dates. Way too soon for some of that IMO.

You know what else I found odd (but also kind of amusing) in your initial post? That he said after 11 dates, he wasn't sure if it (sex) was ever going to happen. Who the hell keeps count of how many dates they go on with someone? It's weird... what does he do, go home and have a chalkboard where he makes a mark of every date he has with you? I think most sane people stop counting after 4-5~ dates; of course you remember the first few, but after 10 dates and you're s till counting? What is wrong with this guy? When those kinds of words come out of someone's mouth, it tells me they really were only after sex, because they are keeping track of such trivial things. Either that or he's a freaking lunatic. Seriously, what kind of gentle/sweet/sensitive man does crap like that? I'm surprised you even listened to that without laughing at his face and walking out the door.

I think in a serious relationship, you date someone, things progress naturally, and eventually the sex happens when the time is right; not when some is pressuring you into doing it and keeping track of time/dates. Now don't get me wrong; maybe if it was several months and things never got steamy a guy would get bothered; but this sounds like it hasn't been all that long. Don't text him, I wouldn't even date him anymore. I'm sorry you'll be alone on valentine's day, but that is life. Someday in the future this incident will be insignificant.

Ouch, I'm sorry you feel this way.

 

Even if this guy does contact you tomorrow/today for valentines day, I wouldn't answer or even bother with him anymore. This was clearly out of line, to not even send a single text or anything about any plans. It's rude and playing mind games with you. You've already gotten the cold shoulder from him and a strange vibe from his communication, or lack thereof. Why are you even bothering anymore? I would forget about this guy, he's not worth the trouble. He's tinder trash, the epiphany of everything wrong with online dating. The others above are right, Tinder is mostly a hookup app. Get out there and meet someone face-to-face where you can read the person and know if they are a player or not. Sounds like he's very hot and cold as well, he rushes into things and then it backfires on him. You've barely been together a few months (you said xmas time), he's already planned/took you on extravagant/expensive dates. Way too soon for some of that IMO.

 

You know what else I found odd (but also kind of amusing) in your initial post? That he said after 11 dates, he wasn't sure if it (sex) was ever going to happen. Who the hell keeps count of how many dates they go on with someone? It's weird... what does he do, go home and have a chalkboard where he makes a mark of every date he has with you? I think most sane people stop counting after 4-5~ dates; of course you remember the first few, but after 10 dates and you're s till counting? What is wrong with this guy? When those kinds of words come out of someone's mouth, it tells me they really were only after sex, because they are keeping track of such trivial things. Either that or he's a freaking lunatic. Seriously, what kind of gentle/sweet/sensitive man does crap like that? I'm surprised you even listened to that without laughing at his face and walking out the door.

 

I think in a serious relationship, you date someone, things progress naturally, and eventually the sex happens when the time is right; not when some is pressuring you into doing it and keeping track of time/dates. Now don't get me wrong; maybe if it was several months and things never got steamy a guy would get bothered; but this sounds like it hasn't been all that long. Don't text him, I wouldn't even date him anymore. I'm sorry you'll be alone on valentine's day, but that is life. Someday in the future this incident will be insignificant.

I always miss the red flags, and you wouldn't believe the types of men I end up with. The strange part is that they're all extremely different and I'm drawn to them for different reasons.

I'm starting to feel like I'm the problem, like there's something about me that turns men off or makes them not value me. People tell me I'm attractive all the time, I have a great career and I'm proud of my educational accomplishments. I have a nice family, I'm modest, and loyal and caring.

After letting the guy before this one hurt me so badly, I've learned when to not get involved but this guy was the polar opposite of him. Thinking back, this guy was always super nervous and shaky in the beginning, but when he saw that I was just as nervous and flustered he'd smile, calm down and become more confident. He'd always tell me he'd protect me and try to make me feel safe around him. He loved when I'd touch his chest and shoulders when we'd make out (if I didn't he'd put my hands there) and was super affectionate with me.

Then I noticed he kept asking me about his body and showing me old pictures when he was (slightly) more in shape. TBH he doesn't not have a great body, and not the best posture either. He has excess breast tissue with larger nipples and he is a very slender man. I didn't mind, and was still attracted to him because of how sweet he was and I found him funny, stylish, and handsome anyhow. He would fish for compliments sometimes, and I thought it was weird and didn't really feed into it.

So he kept saying "I want bigger arms, I want abs". And he stopped smiling in pictures saying "I was trying to look more masculine". So all of a sudden after I slept with him he gets a personal trainer and starts going to the gym every day and stopped eating whole meals. It was weird, sometimes when we were together he wouldn't eat at all. Saturday was the last real conversation we had and after asking me how my day went, he went on and on about the percentage of body fat he had originally, where he was now and how much weight he needed to loose to get abs. He said he needs to loose 6 pounds for his summer body when he's very tall and very skinny. "Yeah I'm trying to drop my body fat tho, which is the hardest. At 10-14% is when you see abs, right now I'm at 19.4 so I have a bit to go. Probably another 6 lbs or so. So 165 which should be perfect". He has no fat on his body, he's like a beanpole. He said he doesn't need progress pictures cause he'll know when he's reached his goal and he's not taking supplements for fear of bulking up.

Ever since this stupid gym obsession he went and set up his Instagram like "under construction new pics coming". He lives on Facebook now and completely withdrew from me. Maybe it was because I was loosing myself when we were spending 5 out of the 7 days of the week together and needed time apart. Now he's filled it obsessing over his appearance.

I'm all about self improvement and getting fit, but the way he's going about it is strange. It's like he wants an instant six pack without dieting and bigger arms without bulking up within 6 weeks. Idk what's going on with him but that's no reason to shut me out.

I wouldn't say you are the factor yet. This guy sounds like he said and did everything way to hard and was way to into himself. Even with his huge areola's. Don't send him any texts. The best vday ever is one without him. My snowblower broke if he wants abs he can move the now snow ice from last weekend. Good luck

He's on Tinder now listed a 23 and active as of today. I ended things telling him: I know this is breaking all the rules of playing games via text, but I don't feel good about continuing this. This situation is not what I waited 3 years to get strung into. See other people.

Sorry to hear this. Good you ended it. He used the cowards way out by fading.

He's on Tinder now listed a 23 and active as of today. I ended things telling him: I know this is breaking all the rules of playing games via text, but I don't feel good about continuing this. This situation is not what I waited 3 years to get strung into. See other people.

Here's his response:

"I agree. These past few weeks I've been looking for some sort of passion out of you but haven't felt it.. more just of a distant, cold, dead emotional feeling. I felt like I had to make all the plans and moves so I backed off a little bit to see if you would pick planning things up, and to kick start a spark into you, but you didn't. So I just felt like I was spinning my wheels and wasting time and money. Sorry this had to be on Valentine's Day. Hope you find someone to love. Take care.

The problem is you didn't come on at all.. you never took my hand, my arm, gave me a hug, a kiss, unless I pushed for it. Then when you would run way, stand in the opposite side of the elevator, or across the room. It would make me feel.. idk like you didn't like me or that I was some sexual predator or something.. it made me feel awful."

He's telling the truth, I did act this way.

Kinda nasty. But the silver lining is the great lesson about stepping to the plate next time and doing your share in a dating situation.

Here's his response: I agree. These past few weeks I've been looking for some sort of passion out of you but haven't felt it.. more just of a distant, cold, dead emotional feeling. I felt like I had to make all the plans and moves so I backed off a little bit to see if you would pick planning things up, and to kick start a spark into you, but you didn't. So I just felt like I was spinning my wheels and wasting time and money. Sorry this had to be on Valentine's Day. Hope you find someone to love. Take care.

I'm really sad.

I just asked him if he wants to talk later. I don't think he does though. Maybe I should have gone with my original message.

No. He broke up definitively and gave you specifics. He's given it some thought and given this a chance and decided it wasn't working, just as you did.

Your message was angry and accuses him of "stringing you along" as well as blames him for your 3 years of baggage, as if he owed you something. It also tells him to "see others". Go no contact. Save your dignity this time.

I just asked him if he wants to talk later. "This situation is not what I waited 3 years to get strung into. See other people".

Hi, first I just want to say I'm sorry.

From his response it does sound like, when you eventually get into another relationship, you need to be more reciprocal. If a man is out with you, it means he wants to be, and he needs you to show interest just as much as you want his interest shown to you. It's easier said than done, I know, I'm fighting it now in my relationship. I would avoid touching him or making any moves until he did something first. I'm still maybe a bit too 'traditional' in that I really want the guy to make the first move, but after that it should be 'even' in terms of showing interest in one another. If the showing of interest is equal on both sides, both people can be more confident and it just makes everything flow a lot easier because there isn't that nagging "do they like me?" sort of doubt which can be a bit poisonous to any relationship. Again I know it's easier said than done, you just need to work on your confidence which takes time, and to try and not let what happened to you in the past affect your confidence with the next man you meet.

I also have to say that other than not being reciprocal enough when it came to showing interest, you didn't do anything wrong. And this might be a bit hard to hear BUT even if you weren't being reciprocal enough, if he really liked you and cared for you, and wanted things to work out, he would have talked to you about it and tried to work it out instead of cowardly fading away. And when you brought up his being distant, he would have explained himself and tried to get together to talk and work through things. He didn't do this.

That original message 'draft' you were thinking of sending him is the type of message I used to send someone. But you shouldn't have to beg for someone to explain things to you. After dating you and sleeping with you, he should give you that much respect on his own. You sound like a very good person, but he does not. You are not 'undesirable'. You are kind and attractive and wonderful. Just because a man fades away doesn't make you any less of those things. Please don't fall into the trap of thinking your value is based on whether or not you are in a successful relationship. It isn't.

Take some time for yourself to grow, and do the things you love and spend time with people who love you. It's hard to see it now but you'll be okay

I ruined a really good thing just now with that mean text. He actually didn't want to hurt me, I'm such an idiot. I feel terrible, and he hasn't responded. I thought he was a good person, I'm so sad I hurt him. Should I try calling him later.