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Thread: Stood Up on Valentines Day

  1. #1
    LadyBug1988
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    Stood Up on Valentines Day

    So This is a follow up to my previous posts about a guy I started dating before Christmas. My last real relationship was very abusive and this was my first real attempt at a relationship in 3 years. I met him on Tinder, and was immediately drawn to him because he was very gentle, no man had ever treated me so gently and it made me feel very safe.

    Things sort of progressed at lightning speed with him showering me in gifts and adoration and taking me on luxurious dates. I made sure I paid for some of our outings to be fair, and I did my best to try and slow the pace of things. He expected to sleep with me right away, but I was terrified and just couldn't. He figured out I had been abused in the past and said he had no problem waiting for me, he just needed to know it was going to happen one day and I was attracted to him.

    We kept dating and after a beautiful date in NYC I decided I was ready to sleep with him. He was shocked and unprepared and couldn't perform. The attempt turned into a disaster, I got all flustered and felt like I had done something to turn him off and awkwardly tried to leave his apartment. He called me back inside, we kissed and made up, I apologized for running and he said he wanted to keep seeing me and dating me.

    I later asked him if he wanted to see other people would he let me know. He told me of course he would but was into me. I told him I was worried he wasn't attracted to me because of the failed sex and he said it was because of the alcohol and he was literally in shock. He said after 11 dates he wasn't sure it would ever happen, he had never waited so long, and wasn't expecting it. He reassured me and I felt better.

    The next weekend (Super Bowl Sunday) we went on a date and tried again, it was phenomenal. He kissed me a million times as I was leaving and sent me a picture of the red dress he wanted me to wear on Valentine's Day. He asked if I would be his Valentine and said that this would be the best Valentines Day of my life, so get ready.

    Last week (the week of Super Bowl Sunday) he didn't make plans to see me during the week and I had an event for my job out of state for Saturday and Sunday. We got a blizzard on Wednesday and Thursday, and Friday the roads were a disaster. Saturday and Sunday I was unavailable, but it snowed anyhow. I FaceTime chatted him on Wednesday and things seemed normal. He had gotten the news he got a promotion and pay raise that Monday and it was the perfect week for him, he said everything was coming together.

    I mentioned I'd like to see him during the week and he brought up the blizzard and the event I had that weekend and said we were looking into the following week (this week). He did agree that we should see eachother more though. I noticed on Saturday he didn't text me until very late in the evening, and his texts were void of emotion, he was talking strictly about the gym and his "summer body". He asked how my day was, but didn't seem as warm as usual.

    Later Saturday night I texted him a simple "goodnight" and I woke up Sunday to see he hadn't responded when he ALWAYS responds. Without thinking I texted him the link to a funny video Sunday morning and he responded laughing and said it was really funny. He did not respond or text me at all after which is not like him cause he always texts throughout the day. I noticed he has been on Facebook 24/7 and has simply been choosing not to communicate me while just surfing social media. I noticed he still his my pictures up on his Facebook and after we slept together, he changed his age to "91" on Tinder so he wouldn't show up in anybody's matches (which I appreciate).

    Yesterday, Monday he did not contact me at all and was on Facebook all day. I texted him at 9pm "hi I hope you had a good day " and he did not respond and was on Facebook until midnight. He has NEVER ignored me or not contacted me since we have been dating, ever.

    I am very hurt I'm getting stood up on Valentine's Day, and I feel so stupid for being vulnerable with this guy. I have no idea what I did or what happened to make him not want to talk to me anymore, but he has completely shut down. This is not the sweet, gentle, sensitive man I've been falling in love with. It's like he's suddenly as cold as ice and I have no clue what to do.

    I feel like I can't make good decisions about men, I feel stupid and like there's something wrong with me preventing me from finding love. Like no matter what, men will never find me good enough to treat well, because no man ever has. From your perspective, please tell me what I did, and if I should ask him for closure? I'm so upset and I feel completely undesirable.
    Last edited by LadyBug1988; 02-14-2017 at 02:38 AM.

  2. #2
    angrythoughts
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    I don't believe you did anything wrong. I feel bad that you slept with him and he's just ignoring you like this without explanation. It's probably not you, but him. It's possible he met someone else or has lost interest in you for whatever reason.

    Maybe ask him what's up with him when he next speaks to you? And Valentine's Day has just begun (well I live in NY, it's 2:41am here). There's a chance the date is still on, who knows.

    Wait it out and see what happens. If he ends up bailing then definitely do not speak to him anymore.

  3. #3
    LadyBug1988
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    Quote Originally Posted by angrythoughts [Register to see the link]
    I don't believe you did anything wrong. I feel bad that you slept with him and he's just ignoring you like this without explanation. It's probably not you, but him. It's possible he met someone else or has lost interest in you for whatever reason.

    Maybe ask him what's up with him when he next speaks to you? And Valentine's Day has just begun (well I live in NY, it's 2:41am here). There's a chance the date is still on, who knows.

    Wait it out and see what happens. If he ends up bailing then definitely do not speak to him anymore.
    I feel so stupid. Weeks before we slept together he asked me why I was scared of intimacy. He said I was used to dealing with boys but he was a man. He wouldn't hurt me, he wanted a long term relationship, and he wasn't the guy that would stop talking to me after sex. He said he wanted to romance me, and love me the way no man ever had. He said it would just get better from there.

    He was super romantic and followed through on everything he ever promised me, until now. This is completely out of character for him. I know we haven't been dating long, but he followed through on everything he ever said.

  4. #4
    Hollyj
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    He is not a sweet and sensitive man. He used you for sex, and I think it is terrible.

    There were a lot of red flags that you were warned about. Two that stick to to me: fast forwarding the relationship and continuous boundary busting.

    OP, your picker is off. I suggest you return to therapy, as I think that you are still traumatized by your ex, and need to work through things.

    I'm sorry that this happened. I think you should go back and read all of your threads to identify future problems.

    Please be single for at least six months.

  5. #5
    angrythoughts
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    Quote Originally Posted by LadyBug1988 [Register to see the link]
    I feel so stupid. Weeks before we slept together he asked me why I was scared of intimacy. He said I was used to dealing with boys but he was a man. He wouldn't hurt me, he wanted a long term relationship, and he wasn't the guy that would stop talking to me after sex. He said he wanted to romance me, and love me the way no man ever had. He said it would just get better from there.

    He was super romantic and followed through on everything he ever promised me, until now. This is completely out of character for him. I know we haven't been dating long, but he followed through on everything he ever said.
    It sounds like he was saying all these sweet nothings to get into your pants. I wouldn't even use tinder as a way to meet men. Tinder is a dating app for people who want to hook up. Finding love on there is rare.

    He's a jerk and there's no excuse for his behavior. Take this as a lesson and don't speak to him. And when he comes back (he will) don't take his excuses! Tell him bye bye and move on.

  6. #6
    Hollyj
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    I agree with Angry! Why are you using a hookup app when seeking a relationship? There are much better options.

  7. #7
    LadyBug1988
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hollyj [Register to see the link]
    I agree with Angry! Why are you using a hookup app when seeking a relationship? There are much better options.
    I guess I thought there were nice guys on there too, and as long as I was honest I might find a good match. I know I'm a freaking idiot and I feel used and terrible. I've been crying all day and thinking about staying home from work tomorrow. I've drafted this message to send him in the morning:

    "I don't want to argue, just respectfully asking for closure to help me move on. I'm sad/confused abt how things turned out, but I'm not angry or blaming you. Perhaps I'm just out of touch, or naieve or something.

    Pls just send a short txt abt what happened to help me, and I'll go away."
    Last edited by LadyBug1988; 02-14-2017 at 03:35 AM.

  8. #8
    MissCanuck
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    Don't send him that text.

    I don't see a problem in calling him out on bailing on this "best Valentine's Day ever", but your message is just too passive and meek-sounding. "I'm not blaming you" and "I'll go away"?? Oh, hale no. You need to find your backbone, girlfriend.

    Unfortunately, this guy sounds like a classic player. He knew exactly what to say to hook you. You're not an idiot, but you do need to tune up your Playa Radar. There were warning signs he was trying to woo you into bed. How could he promise to love in a way that no man ever had? He didn't know you well enough to make such a huge promise. That was a major red flag. Now you know what to watch out for. I'm sorry this happened to you, I know it's very hurtful. You deserve better, and please don't rely on Tinder for real dating. Yeah, there might be the odd good one on there, but it is primarily used for hook-ups.

  9. Thanks greta96, lostlove76, Lady Amalthea, jujusamples thanked for this post
  10. #9
    Limiya
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    Quote Originally Posted by LadyBug1988 [Register to see the link]
    I guess I thought there were nice guys on there too, and as long as I was honest I might find a good match. I know I'm a freaking idiot and I feel used and terrible. I've been crying all day and thinking about staying home from work tomorrow. I've drafted this message to send him in the morning:

    "I don't want to argue, just respectfully asking for closure to help me move on. I'm sad/confused abt how things turned out, but I'm not angry or blaming you. Perhaps I'm just out of touch, or naieve or something.

    Pls just send a short txt abt what happened to help me, and I'll go away."
    Don't send him any text. Nothing.
    Keep your dignity and don't ask for anything from him. No closure, nothing. Just get on with your life. Sending him a desperate text like that will turn him more from you than he already has.
    I know it's driving you mad, cause you don't know. But a text like that will just make things worse.

    Give yourself some time to yourself. No contacting him!! Go out and see friends, do some fun things which can distract you.
    He still might contact you yet, you don't know. But don't wait around.

  11. Thanks FreedomRing, JisforJaz thanked for this post
  12. #10
    LadyBug1988
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    You make sense, I won't send it. It just sucks I'm the idiot up crying 3AM before Valentine's Day and he's happy and secretly laughing at me. I feel like I just tried to run a marathon with an injured leg and fell flat on my face.

    I guess I just want to know what he's thinking. He would always contact me the day before we were supposed to meet and I'm terribly hurt by this.

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