In what context is it appropriate for a parter to be friends with an ex?

Hello everyone,

I don't have an urgent issue with this right now. But i wonder if I will in the future so i just want to look out for any red flags.

My bf broke up with his ex right before me, and i broke up with my ex at the same time, coincidentally, so we were originally technically each other's rebounds from big long relationships (mine 3 years, his was 6 years) both of them being on and off.

It turned out to be a lot more than a 'rebound' because we were both over our exes, and had emotionally checked out of those relationships long before they 'officially' ended. We just happened to meet in the right place at the right time.

Anyway, I felt no jealousy, as he broke up with her and made it clear how unhappy he was in that relationship that was stale (from my understanding, she wasn't interested in sex, socialising, travel etc and was depressed a lot of the time) but that he cared a lot about her but didn't want to spend his life with her anymore.

At the beginning, he did however frequently speak of his regret at the way they ended it, and that he felt a lot of guilt. It was basically over the phone (she lives out of town) as he missed his flight to tell her in person, and they had an argument in the midst of all of this, so he confessed it over the phone. And they had a big conversation. And then he ended up not going out there after all. And i had sympathy for him in the first few months, because of her health he was very concerned (he did not tell me this but the extremity of his nervousness made me wonder if she was suicidal in the past, he just kept saying 'her health' was at risk over their last break up and couldn't share more details, but he was worried about a repeat), so I said we should both refrain from posting any photos on Facebook as i didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings and he's right to let her heal with no further contact and not tell her about me.

Plus, I had no reason to feel jealous, as they way he looked at me just made me feel incredible you know those early days when everything is just so exciting? It still is like that sometimes, albeit the novelty of it all is starting to fade a little, the chemistry is still very much intact.

However, that was all at 5/6 weeks fresh. It's been a while now. Tonight, he said something that rung alarm bells.... After 4 months of NC, she had reached out to him a week ago apparently, to talk and to smooth things over, to tell him she has a new job, as that used to be 'a big thing'. And he told me this casually, as if it were no big deal. He said he feels better that she's doing well and that she has stipulated that they would like to be friends and that 'she wasn't just nothing' so he doesn't want to treat her that way. And I said sure.....but is this really appropriate? The only redeeming element here is that she lives far, so maybe by 'friends' he just meant 'on good terms'. Should I just respect what he is doing and leave it be? That's what he asked of me, when he saw me looking concerned, and added that I have no reason to worry.

But...she doesnt know I exist so my worry is she may have hope again for their relationship. But I don't know how accurate that is, I guess, without more information. Should I ask him, or is that probing? Am i overthinking again? I do have a tendency for that.

Thanks!

So, he's up in your face about your finances and now he is justifying his contact with an ex? Oh no, hon.

so I said we should both refrain from posting any photos on Facebook as i didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings and he's right to let her heal with no further contact and not tell her about me.

So - she doesn't know about you? Sorry, this guy is sounding less and less like a prize, but in all fairness, you allowed yourself to be minimized and secret.

He said he feels better that she's doing well and that she has stipulated that they would like to be friends and that 'she wasn't just nothing' so he doesn't want to treat her that way.

Nope. she doesn't get to "stipulate" that now she has special friend status.

I don't believe when you guys say you were not rebounds. He clearly had not tied up the ends in his relationship before starting with you. I would NOT rush to move out for this guy, particulary if he has been lying to his ex about his relationship with you. If he is remaining friends with her, he is showing you who is more important.

But...she doesnt know I exist so my worry is she may have hope again for their relationship. But I don't know how accurate that is, I guess, without more information. Should I ask him, or is that probing? Am i overthinking again? I do have a tendency for that.

Thanks!

Will you dump this guy, already?? A guy should be PROUD to show off the woman he loves to his friends and would want the world to know how lucky he is. She is clearly no friend to your relationship and neither is he if you are a secret to her. What the heck? Of COURSE she has hope for the two of them. He has not told her otherwise that there is none! Even if they don't get back together, she thinks he is not seeing anyone. SO MUCH FOR "I HAVE INVESTED IN US" so he says. He is not invested at all. When i first started dating my guy, he didn't tell people he had a girlfriend yet officially before we were official, but anyone in his life the heck knew he was dating me.

Thank you for your viewpoint, I really appreciate it.

To be honest it was mutual at the beginning - my own break up was so recent too that i could really empathise and i didn't want my ex to know about him either. I thought it was disrespectful (of us both to move on so quickly) if our former partners knew about it.

And just to clarify, all his friends do know about me and i have met most of them. i didn't feel a secret in general. After about 2 months together, i met all his friends and some of his family. He loves having me around and mixing me with his friends quite often, really often in fact. So it never felt like we were sneaking around as such, just that he didn't want to rub it in HER face which i get.

It's just that it's been some months now, I'm questioning when I start to decide the rules change. But I'm not naturally controlling like that, so it feels weird for me to call the shots and say 'she better know about me or else you're not allowed to me friends'. It's not really my style. Plus, maybe this is just me being insecure for no good reason?

it feels weird for me to call the shots and say 'she better know about me or else you're not allowed to me friends'. It's not really my style.

Frankly, if he doesn't have an entire foot out the door, I think he's at least got his big toe outside of it. I think he's lost some, if not all his faith that you'll be moved out and you may have been demoted to placeholder. That's real shady stuff. Him seeing someone should have been mentioned, and I'd put $1000 on her having asked him at some point during the call. Even if not, when they were flirting with the whole being friends idea, that's prime time to say, "That's cool, but I should let you know that I am seeing someone right now."

I gotta agrere with abitbroken in that I think this is a gigantic red flag and it's much more a direct reflection of his lack of confidence in this relationship than you may think. I think it might be time to cut your losses, but if you're insisting on trying to work this one out, I suppose you could let him know that, on second thought, you'd be a lot more comfortable with it if this woman knew you existed. But even then, if he said sure, would you trust it at this point?

Thanks. Woah. You guys are making me want to ask him now if she doesn't know about me for sure still. I mean, I'm assuming that she doesn't know, but that might not be 100 percent correct. It just wasn't part of what he said to me about it, so my assumption was that he did not tell her about me. But maybe i should seek clarity and ask him. Great, what a great day to bring it up, Valentines day!

As for trusting him, yes, we've always been very very honest about each other's exes and contact with anyone of the opposite sex. I trust he won't lie. I'll just have to talk to him and make it sound as unaccusatory as possible.

My colleague at work who i asked this today said that he is friends with his ex of 8 years who knows about his current partner, but that if my guy's ex has been suicidal before that i should just wait until he's ready to tell her rather than push him to do it. That's why i thought i should treat the situation with more delicacy.

she doesnt know I exist so my worry is she may have hope again for their relationship.

Her not knowing that you exist would make me wonder if HE had hope again for their relationship.

No, I wouldn't be ok with that.

Sorry but your only fooling yourself if you think it's ok, that he hasn't told her about you.

If his ex got a job (and it's a big thing), then he should tell her about you (because that's a big thing). No?

the but i'm worried because she's suicidal thing. argh. sorry, not that i was going to extrapolate. agree with everyone.

the but i'm worried because she's suicidal thing. argh. sorry, not that i was going to extrapolate. agree with everyone.

Yup. She has her own support network. if she is "doing fine now" then you shouldn't be so concerned about a stranger's feelings and be more concerned about your own!

I'm sorry, but you're not only making excuses for him, you're sinking to the level of denial. He's obviously hiding you from her, and this is your biggest clue as to where you stand.

Hopefully you'll see this for what it is, followed by regaining your self-respect. You can do much better...

I agree with everyone else. This sounds like a major red flag. Hiding he's seeing someone else is really bad. The human language allows us to say things as specifically or vaguely as we want. He could have easily told her, "just wanted to let you know I've started dating again and have met someone else I have feelings for" and left it at that. The suicide thing is all in your head as you said you don't even know if that is the issue. Also if that is an issue, that's no reason why you should have been kept secret for months. She has her own support network and has people in her life who love her and can take care of her, if and this is a big IF that she would actually try to hurt herself just based on the fact that this guy is seeing you.

Also, how long have you been together? 4 months? This is the very early days of your relationship. Pay attention to your gut instincts and red flags as this is the prime time to NOT be in denial. I know you like the guy, but don't push things under the rug or start assuming the woman is suicidal. Have a conversation with him about this, start tagging each other on Facebook and move forward. Also note his reaction to this as a red flag. How you handle this is your business but you shouldn't be dating a guy who acts like that, because it does sound like he's keeping the door open for his ex a bit.

Well, my husband is good friends with an ex. But here's the part where his scenario and mine differ wildly from yours. She knows about me. In fact, she was one of the first people he introduced me. He was thrilled, she was thrilled, her husband was thrilled, they liked me. We got on like we'd been best mates for years. She and I are probably closer friends now than my husband and she, in many ways. He's still her friend at work, but I'm the one she wants to do lunch with. Her words.

The difference here is this guy is hiding you from his ex, still. When time has passed and honestly, if you've met his friends and family then there is zero reason to hide you now. That he still does is a major red flag. The whole "but she's so fragile" argument just shows that either a) he's lying, so he gets two for the price of one or b) he's not over her and has no business being with you and you shouldn't be there as his backup.

I'd say it's time to either stop agreeing to be a secret or tell him you're done. Nothing good ever comes from people who insist you stay in the shadows.

Apologies. No time to read all replies. It really depends on the mutual understanding of a couple. I my case being FRIENDS with a man whom I was romantically involved is a no. It's out of respect for my husband. Besides that so do not and never has true heterosexual male friends. I've tried but almost all eventually wanted to f.

Just my tiny scale experience.

Yeah, this is the stuff of rebounding: when you or the guy (or both) get involved while either of you still has unfinished business with an ex--whether you know it at the time, or not.

People fresh out of breakups don't have the best judgment about whether they're rebounding. They'll always say they're not, and they're likely even sincere about that.

But then the unfinished business crops up.

Or, everything's fine, and then seemingly out of the blue one day you get the speech about what a wonderful person you are, but... "I got involved too soon, before I had the chance to 'find myself'."

Being friends with an ex doesn't make anyone a villain, it's just a byproduct of unfinished business--a way to stay attached to the stuff we may still love about that person despite not being able to have a successful romantic relationship.

That's all fine and good, but I won't touch it. My own private rule is that I won't involve myself with anyone who's recently broken up and hasn't had the opportunity to stabilize on his own, reclaim his own milestones (bdays, anniversaries, holidays) and let go of all attachments to his ex beyond shared children.

So any contact with an ex is out for me, but that's not something I can dictate for another person. When we meet, he's either free and clear of past romantic involvements, or he's not. If not, he could be the greatest guy in the world, but I don't belong in the middle of his attachment.

Nobody else can tell you what's right for you. I can only speak for myself. I'd tell him, "I adore you and can picture the two of us together in the future. That's why I need to walk away while we both still think highly of one another, to preserve that potential. You get to settle your old business with your ex, and if you ever decide that you're 100 percent unattached and out of contact with ther, you can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish you the best."

My way may not be right for you, but it would be how I'd keep my own clarity while allowing another to go off and get his clarity. From there, the chips will fall where they fall, and if the two of us are a 'meant to be' deal, things will work out. If not, then that's something I'd want to learn early.

Thanks guys. I knew from the outset he was fresh out of a break up...I was too... this is no surprise. Things were just going so well with us that it seemed senseless for us both to stop seeing each other to do the thing that is 'proper' and be single for a few months first. He said that he would have always wondered about me if we did that. Plus, I've been single for a lot of my life, have been on tonnes and tonnes and tonnes of dates... and I hardly ever ever meet someone I click with and didn't want to let go of something good. And he's always been super open. That was our 'thing' when we first met. He wasn't hiding anything about his past and recent break up and neither was i and we were just not overthinking anything. He did say that he'd like for me to tie up any loose ends with my ex for us to date properly though. And i reassured him that was done. Perhaps he was projecting, if he hasn't with his ex. The only thing making me feel better about all this is that she is a 2/3 hour flight away so it doesn't feel as if she is a threat, and he is the one to break up with her, and had checked out of the relationship long before then anyway.

I'll talk to him about this tonight. I've been biting my lip not to call or text so this can be resolved in person. Firstly, I'll ask him clarification on in what capacity they are 'friends' and what that means, and that if it entails catching up over the phone every now and again, when he is planning on telling her that he is seeing someone.

I'll also make sure to state that this isn't about ego, and just about me not wanting to get further attached and entangled in something where he is giving false hope to an ex despite his best intentions, and still having his foot in another door. I already know that he'll tell me he doesn't have his foot in that door, he has told me that loads of times already, but he needs to know that's how it comes across and his current ties are a concern.

I should also add that it took him about 2 months from when he had mentally checked out of the relationship to when he actually broke up with her. He put it off because he was afraid of hurting her feelings.

(This wasn't while he was dating me of course. We met after their official break up.)

So what i am saying is that hurting her feelings is a really big deal to him, which is why i never pushed him earlier to tell her about me.

He did say that he'd like for me to tie up any loose ends with my ex for us to date properly though. And i reassured him that was done. Perhaps he was projecting...

Well, this is the thing I'd remind him of when you have your discussion. For the same reason he wanted your old business to be finished, I'd want the same for him. But that's why I'd tell him that I'm pulling back until he's done resolving his stuff with ex--for however long a that takes.

My goal wouldn't be to corner him into a pressure cooker, so asking him to tell her about me would be irrelevant. I'd rather remove myself from the picture to give him all the time he needs to work through whatever he needs to do with his ex.

That's not about being punitive, it's about avoiding the typical rebound outcome. Putting him in a sandwich hold to 'fess to his ex about his new relationship misses the point: too much, too soon is combustible. That's not about his ex, it's about him. He's had no breathing room to stabilize his own life before leapfrogging from one relationship to the next, and so the goal isn't about being 'proper,' it's about not setting yourself up for the speech about "not taking the time to 'find himself'" within the next year or two.

The same speech could end up coming from you, as well.

I'd rather preserve my future potential with a wonderful man by trusting that if we're meant to be, we'll meet on higher ground after we've both grown our way to that place. Sure, forcing a fit seems like the safer bet, but it lends the question, if you're a great match, why would you need to rush into it prematurely?

Thanks guys. I knew from the outset he was fresh out of a break up...I was too... this is no surprise. Things were just going so well with us that it seemed senseless for us both to stop seeing each other to do the thing that is 'proper' and be single for a few months first. He said that he would have always wondered about me if we did that. Plus, I've been single for a lot of my life, have been on tonnes and tonnes and tonnes of dates... and I hardly ever ever meet someone I click with and didn't want to let go of something good. And he's always been super open. That was our 'thing' when we first met. He wasn't hiding anything about his past and recent break up and neither was i and we were just not overthinking anything. He did say that he'd like for me to tie up any loose ends with my ex for us to date properly though. And i reassured him that was done. Perhaps he was projecting, if he hasn't with his ex. The only thing making me feel better about all this is that she is a 2/3 hour flight away so it doesn't feel as if she is a threat, and he is the one to break up with her, and had checked out of the relationship long before then anyway.

I'll talk to him about this tonight. I've been biting my lip not to call or text so this can be resolved in person. Firstly, I'll ask him clarification on in what capacity they are 'friends' and what that means, and that if it entails catching up over the phone every now and again, when he is planning on telling her that he is seeing someone.

I'll also make sure to state that this isn't about ego, and just about me not wanting to get further attached and entangled in something where he is giving false hope to an ex despite his best intentions, and still having his foot in another door. I already know that he'll tell me he doesn't have his foot in that door, he has told me that loads of times already, but he needs to know that's how it comes across and his current ties are a concern.

Oh yes, she is still a threat. How many marriages have ended because one of the spouses reconnected with an old flame on Facebook that lived states away - had an emotional affair for months or a year or two before seeing eachother in person again = and they were robbing their spouse of all the emotional intimacy and giving it to another.

I will say my ex didn't have both feet in the door because he was always hoping it would work out with someone else. She rejected him, but he never had both feet in the door just in hopes.

But let's assume he is not talking to her much - in that case, the common theme of justifying himself vs apologizing or making a change comes up again.

This is a good pairing for him because you are more concerned with other people's feelings instead of your own and you don't set good boundaries. And there is a huge double standard in your relationship - he tells you what you have to change or what loose ends you need to tie, and he does not do any of this in return. And even about your getting together - you bring up "he would have always wondered about you" almost like "oh no, if you would have told him it was too soon for you to jump in he would have not waited for you and that would have been bad." So what. You didn't do what was best for you. A stronger you might have met someone different - but that's life.

All very valid points, thanks guys so much.

Double standards is one of my pet hates and throwing back that line at him that he used on me should definitely help. And it helps to know how much of a big deal this is. I genuinely just did not know.

I put up with a lot of BS from former boyfriends is why stuff like this for me is like 'on the fence' when maybe it shouldn't be. Cause I've dealt with so much worse, I guess.

Anyway, I planned to talk to him about this tonight. But Valentines dinner was SO wonderful and he completely took my breath away that any of these concerns i had just have had to go on the back burner! He wrote me the sweetest card I've ever received too, probably ever.

I'm feeling good, a little tipsy right now, so the over-thinking-proceed-with-caution me will just have to come back another day.

All very valid points, thanks guys so much.

 

Double standards is one of my pet hates and throwing back that line at him that he used on me should definitely help. And it helps to know how much of a big deal this is. I genuinely just did not know.

I put up with a lot of BS from former boyfriends is why stuff like this for me is like 'on the fence' when maybe it shouldn't be. Cause I've dealt with so much worse, I guess.

 

Anyway, I planned to talk to him about this tonight. But Valentines dinner was SO wonderful and he completely took my breath away that any of these concerns i had just have had to go on the back burner! He wrote me the sweetest card I've ever received too, probably ever.

 

I'm feeling good, a little tipsy right now, so the over-thinking-proceed-with-caution me will just have to come back another day.

 

If you put up with BS, then you should continue to not put up with BS and just find guys who don't dish BS rather than going gentle on BS to keep someone. Don't let alcohol and sweet nothings distract you from speaking your feelings and most importantly, having boundaries.

If you put up with BS, then you should continue to not put up with BS and just find guys who don't dish BS rather than going gentle on BS to keep someone. Don't let alcohol and sweet nothings distract you from speaking your feelings and most importantly, having boundaries.

You are right I know I guess what i meant was just that i felt very secure with everything last night especially when i read what he wrote in my card. It was really touching and gave me less of a sense of urgency to want to communicate this particular issue. I definitely will tell him, but I think I will time it more appropriately than I was going to. Thank you, again, for taking so much time to advise me

So a nice card and dinner was enough to make you forget about him still wanting his ex?

He's pretty good, I have to say that. If he keeps acting "nice" you'll feel guilty for giving him a hard time about still having feelings for his ex and hiding you from her. So he gets to have the both of you, as long as he's "nice".

So a nice card and dinner was enough to make you forget about him still wanting his ex?

 

He's pretty good, I have to say that. If he keeps acting "nice" you'll feel guilty for giving him a hard time about still having feelings for his ex and hiding you from her. So he gets to have the both of you, as long as he's "nice".

No...I did not say that. I just said that it didn't feel appropriate to spoil a special evening and raising that. It's not just a nice dinner and card, sometimes something happens between you, you have moments, and you just get a strong feeling about your relationship and where things are going, and in proportion some of your concerns though still valid, seem less of a big deal. If keeping things within proportion, they had a phone conversation a week ago and he seemed pleased she was doing well; he does not have 'both' of us. He has yet to prove that he has this intention, so i'm going to lay off him a bit and decide when the time is right.

I can obsess over one call they had or focus on the fact he's shown he's very invested in our relationship. I doubt with the no. of times he's asked me to stay over and frequency we see each other there is much room for sneaking in phone calls.

You are right I know I guess what i meant was just that i felt very secure with everything last night especially when i read what he wrote in my card. It was really touching and gave me less of a sense of urgency to want to communicate this particular issue. I definitely will tell him, but I think I will time it more appropriately than I was going to. Thank you, again, for taking so much time to advise me

 

You weren't feeling secure - you were getting distracted. He may have sense that you might want to break up after the last thing, so maybe he overdid the romance.

 

What is the "more appropriate" way of telling him? What is "more appropriate timing". Can you say what that might be? To me it sounds like you want to find a way to say it where you can guarantee that he won't react in any way and you are kicking it down the road.

 

You are not "telling him to do anything" - you are stating your boundaries - alerting him to how you allow yourself to be treated and what you expect or rather not have in a relationship. Honestly, there are certain things that you can't ask or teach someone - at a certain age, they either treat someone a certain way in a relationship or they don't. You already know that he never really apologizes or alters his course - he only "explains" his behavior to justify his bad behavior and has a very different standard for himself than he does you.

 

As far as his ex - maybe he wants her, maybe he doesn't, but he certainly is protective of her - which is inappropriate.