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Thread: My Christmas

  1. #11
    shellyf62
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by abitbroken [Register to see the link]
    In all fairness...you were dishing it right back at them. You told us that your mother gave you a laundry list of things that she didn't like, but yet you fired back with a laundry list of things against your mother - stop being geriatric and so on and so forth. You can only control you. if your mom started in that your hair was too long and instead of firing back at her, you gave your mom a big hug and told her that you are glad she cares - or even told a little joke about your hair - it would shock her. If you are a soft pillow instead of a brick wall about things that are not life or death, they just might change how they speak to you. Coming home for Christmas is a stressful time. I know my mom who is NOT like that at all can be on edge because of whipping up desserts and if she hadn't seen me in a long time she would be on edge, too.

    Instead, why not see your parents at a different time so you can all be more relaxed?

    I know its annoying, but it sounds like you all have a part in the family dynamic and it takes one person to change it just a little at least while they are there.
    Im sorry, but unless you have lived with a toxic parent you have no idea what it is like.
    They are never relaxed & there is never a good time to visit.

  2. #12
    abitbroken
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    Quote Originally Posted by shellyf62 [Register to see the link]
    Im sorry, but unless you have lived with a toxic parent you have no idea what it is like.
    They are never relaxed & there is never a good time to visit.
    Well, the OP is a grownup now and can choose to go home and pounce down with both feet and treat her mother exactly like she treats her and keep it going 'round, or she can go and not engage anymore. meet somewhere neutral for a set amount of time and when the time is up its over. Even if mom doesn't change, she can smile and ignore "mom being mom" and say "mom, the waiters coming back, did you want to try the chicken" and let the rest be WAH WAH WAH like CHarlie Brown's teacher. its all about choices.

  3. #13
    Jibralta
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    Quote Originally Posted by zeino [Register to see the link]
    I don't communicate with her with full honesty, the way I would like to with some adults. .... I don't argue or JADE (justify/argue/defend/explain anymore) and I have zero expectations that she understands my point - that makes me eternally dependent on a person who would never get me in her lifetime. I take the responsibility all on me
    Zeino, I really relate to this.

  4. 02-13-2017, 09:50 PM

  5. #14
    RainyCoast
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jibralta [Register to see the link]
    Zeino, I really relate to this.
    you and zeino strike me as ena twins. sometimes i forget which of you said what, because it seems to have a similar thought process behind it so it could've been either lol.

  6. #15
    Jibralta
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    That's sweet

    (of course, I find that I usually like zeino's posts)

  7. #16
    RainyCoast
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    yes i want a cyber twin too

  8. #17
    JaggerJim
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    Quote Originally Posted by abitbroken [Register to see the link]
    In all fairness...you were dishing it right back at them. You told us that your mother gave you a laundry list of things that she didn't like, but yet you fired back with a laundry list of things against your mother - stop being geriatric and so on and so forth. You can only control you. if your mom started in that your hair was too long and instead of firing back at her, you gave your mom a big hug and told her that you are glad she cares - or even told a little joke about your hair - it would shock her. If you are a soft pillow instead of a brick wall about things that are not life or death, they just might change how they speak to you. Coming home for Christmas is a stressful time. I know my mom who is NOT like that at all can be on edge because of whipping up desserts and if she hadn't seen me in a long time she would be on edge, too.

    Instead, why not see your parents at a different time so you can all be more relaxed?

    I know its annoying, but it sounds like you all have a part in the family dynamic and it takes one person to change it just a little at least while they are there.
    Oh totally agree with this.

  9. #18
    zeino
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jibralta [Register to see the link]
    Zeino, I really relate to this.
    It's a bit like gray rocking one's parent, isn't it? In a kinder, more personalized way maybe. (It has taken me a long time to achieve the "kind" bit and I still fail sometimes. But nowadays I feel like I don't have to be perfect in this.) But my mother is super self-sufficient and solitary at the same time. She is obsessed about privacy, which helps

    If my own actions were given to me as a list some years ago and if I was told that these would be my interaction with my mother, I would think this was a horrible relationship - no intimacy whatsoever. But now that I grieved over that and have come to accept that she has never been the person I would choose as a mother, I'm OK with these. (She will not be that person under different circumstances, either.) And these things have relaxed our relationship a bit, which I could never ever guess - but yes, there is a reason. As an adult, seeing and accepting that reason (her existence) empowers me and puts my control in the right place - what I can do instead of expecting her to change.

  10. #19
    abitbroken
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    Quote Originally Posted by zeino [Register to see the link]
    It's a bit like gray rocking one's parent, isn't it? In a kinder, more personalized way maybe. (It has taken me a long time to achieve the "kind" bit and I still fail sometimes. But nowadays I feel like I don't have to be perfect in this.) But my mother is super self-sufficient and solitary at the same time. She is obsessed about privacy, which helps

    If my own actions were given to me as a list some years ago and if I was told that these would be my interaction with my mother, I would think this was a horrible relationship - no intimacy whatsoever. But now that I grieved over that and have come to accept that she has never been the person I would choose as a mother, I'm OK with these. (She will not be that person under different circumstances, either.) And these things have relaxed our relationship a bit, which I could never ever guess - but yes, there is a reason. As an adult, seeing and accepting that reason (her existence) empowers me and puts my control in the right place - what I can do instead of expecting her to change.
    You said this very elegantly This is the tack I was trying to suggest - setting a boundary and not falling into the trap of "giving mom a taste of her own medicine" like i felt the OP was doing. By choosing your path instead of dishing it back, one is less likely to become their mother in the next generation (whether one has kids or not - being THAT aunt or THAT parent...) I do know that when I didn't have my hackles up prepped for a fight when I was about to see my dysfunctional ex SIL that things really changed for me. Sure, there were many times that she still rattled on and did her thing, but I felt disengaged and less emotionally ravaged by it.

  11. #20
    zeino
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jibralta [Register to see the link]
    That's sweet

    (of course, I find that I usually like zeino's posts)
    Me, too. And I think rainycoast paid me one of the nicest compliments in my life. Thank you rainycoast!

    And now we can imagine Shelby's mother, my mother and Jibralta's mother coming together on a digital forum sharing their misfortunes about their children and declaring each other twins

    Something like:

    - You know what. I know my fault. I have been too good and only good. That's my fault.
    - Oh, I'm like that, too. I've been nothing but good.
    - Me, too, me, too. I've only been good. Just too good.
    - Oversensitive, yes, they are oversensitive.
    - And catty.
    - And always depressed.
    - And mine has really terrible hair.
    - Mine, too, what's that bun!
    - Always trying to start a fight with me.
    - BUT.....
    - BUT....
    - Oh, we are twins, triplets : )
    - Oh, I'm so happy we have found each other. I knew there was something wrong with my child

  12.  

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