My Journey with an Abusive Alcoholic(sorry long)

Hello, I'm new to this forum, this is my story. I met my bf two years ago in a kitchen as coworkers. He seemed quiet and polite for the first four months before we started dating. Unbeknownst to me he had a looong history of abuse and addiction(DUI, ecstasy). The first time we went out he told me he was married but his wife had been deported 10 years(to Mexico) before and he was divorcing her. He rushed me and told me he loved me right away(red flag). He was very intense and I felt so loved. Lesson: don't date coworkers if you can avoid it!

About a month or so later he began getting irrationally jealous of coworkers, then I noticed he was referring to other women in degrading terms. He started calling me a w*or*, s*u*. He then started scolding me at work about various things. He was still telling me I was amazing, he had never met someone like me. Fun one day, abusive the next. I tried to rationalize the name calling and told him it hurt my feelings and he just said "F your Feelings". Then nine months into the relationship he told me he wasn't divorcing her after all but was trying to get his wife and daughter here to get them greencards! After the jealous moods at work and the scolding and the lie I quit that job. I felt totally betrayed, but I told myself he was just being conned by the wife for greencards and she probably wouldn't be able to get back into the country anyway. He also informed me that the daughter wasn't even his biological daughter, he was attached to her after visiting her five times. I think he just wants to control her, after all the money he spent he probably thinks "she owes me!"

He didn't have any friends and his family was absent and dysfunctional. I felt like I was all he had. I didn't realize until months in that he was an alcoholic and snorted pain pills, he also smoked alot of weed. He would go to work then go straight home to start drinking. He was starting to get ill from all the drinking and had pretty serious kidney problems, and fatigue but he wouldn't go to the doctor. One night he was drinking and burned his throat from eating food too hot.

He was very controlling. I had to answer my phone asap, he didn't want me to have girlfriends or join a gym. He belittled my clothes, body and hair, he told me I was dumb at my job and the other girl that worked there was better at it than me. He destroyed my confidence in myself.

I could see he was extremely insecure, and he was very paranoid thinking people were always talking about or mocking him, he said my phone always clicked when we were talking, he would push his couch against the door every night. I believe he has undiagnosed Paranoid Personality Disorder which is predisposed by having a family member with schizophrenia, which his brother has.

His paranoia and just wanting to stay home and drink made for a very dull dating life. He had ED from drinking and became less affectionate and blamed it on his poor fitting dentures. He was 34 at the time, and I was 47 but I was so much younger acting and healthier.

His drinking really started to make him look disheleved and he was repulsive to me. I mean he looked ratty, scruffy and was always wearing this stained Abbey Road t-shirt, lol! He got me nothing for valentines day/1 yr. anniversary. I was still going over there, much to the dismay of my family.

He wouldn't come to my house, I think he was intimidated by my Dad. One day we were arguing and he put his hands around my throat and held me down(he had also done this to his sister). Another day he was drunk and he accused me of hiding his sunglasses and then proceeded to dump my purse out. I felt so violated.

Then one night he and a coworker went out drinking and got into an altercation at his apartment when the cops were called. Five cop cars showed up and tased the coworker, but he didn't get arrested and claimed he couldn't remember because he was blacked out. I was at home sober during this episode.

I decided I missed my old job and went back to work with him(face palm). Guess what? Same old ***hat!! So I then sent him a big email telling how disrespectful and ridiculous he was being and I then quit 2nd time and then he started the APOLOGY TOUR. "I miss your face, you're my whole world, poems, songs, blah blah blah" I accepted the apology but a week later he denied the abuse and said "I'm still gonna treat you like s*it".

By this point he was withdrawing from me, running up his credit card 3k for booze. He would call everyday and either be funny drunk or hostile on the phone, sometimes calling me at midnight to ask me sexually inappropriate questions. He was still mad about the email. He also bought a gun and pointed it at me. I was just so sad, lost in this chaos he created. I should have left him about 2 months into it, but it was a year and a half too late. He told me the bottle was speaking to him in my voice, he put the gun in his mouth. I was getting desperate for his love, validation so I bought him a guitar and was serenading him as he cried, (drunks always cry don't they?) But not a week later when I went to help him paint his apartment he told me "You're just a hole I can visit anytime". Most of his abuse was unprovoked we weren't even arguing.

I had a hard pill to swallow knowing I had to give up my dream that I wanted to be with him. I was thinking what will he be like in ten years if he is still alive being mean to me while I have to take him to dialysis, or he could black out and kill me. I just decided to go no contact. I told him "let's suspend this until you can get your situation resolved (with the wife)" and he said okay. What I really wanted to say was he is a hateful slug leaving a trail everyday and he will probably die alone in that apartment because he doesn't respect himself and is incapable of loving or respecting anyone else. He refuses rehab, denies the abuse, so he'll never change. I cried everyday for the first three months after the breakup. I know in my gut I did the right thing, but it is really sad to watch someone self-destruct. It was so bad I had to tell myself he just can't even be in a relationship with anyone, he's like a rabid dog that no one can get close. It really escalated the second year we were together, and I was just being there to love him, bring him food etc. I wasn't being difficult, but I think because I wanted a mature respectful relationship I was just a reminder to him how inadequate he is and how he can't keep his facade up. I'm at peace with my decision but I just feel so flat all the time, at least I'm free from his control.

He not only pointed at gun at you, he's married. Maybe it's time to look into counseling/therapy in order to see why you'd settle for something of this magnitude.

I strongly suggest that you get some counseling to address your co dependence and other issues. This relationship should NEVER have started!!!! There were so many red flags, all over the place!