Suffocating

I need some help. My toxic, retired father is suffocating me after I have moved out of my parents' house. We have had a lot of tension build up for a long time, due to his overbearing, volatile nature, which I would even go as far as classifying as abusive with his extreme temper. I have recently got a new job and moved to the city, however he is not respecting my new autonomy at all. He said he expects me to respond to all of his calls, texts, voice mails (there are multiple of almost each a day) within 24 hours. They aren't even anything that needs attention on and are redundant.

I have been extremely busy getting my life together and have terrible reception in my place. I am switching to a new carrier, although this is beside the point. He does not understand I am not available all the time. I do respond, but I really rather create distance from him because he is unpleasant to be around. He creates fights when he doesn't get what he wants all the time and I'm so tired of this. How do I create space? I want to distance myself from him. I am not sure how to even begin to do this because the tiniest bit of space sets him off. I've been gone only for a week!

Do not answer his texts or talk to him. He keeps getting his way if you do. He has no reason to change the way he is if you answer his text or respond to him . I know it is difficult but just don't .

So just don't answer the phone or respond to his texts. You can set your phone to not even notify you when a certain number tries to reach you. You're not living at home so it's not like there's any tangible consequence.

Are you financially independent of him? If not, I'd consider it so that there's really nothing for him to hold over you.

That is so hard: not to respond. Don't get me wrong, I would love not to but I love my mother and brother. If I lose communication with my father, I lose them too (hence, the consequence). I won't be able to talk to my mother or come visit for sure. I don't want to completely disconnect, just to have less contact. Is there no other way? I feel like I'm getting sick again with all of this stress; it's really taking a toll on my body.

I am financially independent. I can pay for anything I need and have substantial savings. Although, that's not my concern, unfortunately. If he does get angry, I will communicate that I will not respond until he is calm and respectful. This would probably be said to my mother to relay to him, since she's pretty good at this. I just want peace and be with my family.

Ask your mom out for coffee with you.

If it were me, I'd tell him that I'm not going to be the go-to for his social life. Advise him to do volunteer work or join a bowling league or a book discussion group, etc. I'd tell him that I would have a standing lunch date with him once a month to catch up. Other than that, he's not to text or call because you're busy setting up your new life and you don't particularly like texting or talking on the phone. I'm sure if it's an emergency, your mother will call you. If you do meet up with him, and he is abusive, you get up and leave. You have to teach people that if they don't treat you right, they will lose the pleasure of your company. There are books out there about boundary setting that might give you some more concrete advise.

That is so hard: not to respond. Don't get me wrong, I would love not to but I love my mother and brother. If I lose communication with my father, I lose them too (hence, the consequence). I won't be able to talk to my mother or come visit for sure. I don't want to completely disconnect, just to have less contact. Is there no other way? I feel like I'm getting sick again with all of this stress; it's really taking a toll on my body.

 

I am financially independent. I can pay for anything I need and have substantial savings. Although, that's not my concern, unfortunately.

Do your other family members have their own phone numbers? Email addresses? Some form of their own method of correspondence? Plead your case to them individually if you're worried about this result.

Ask your mom out for coffee with you.

It's not that simple; he has too much control over my mother. He would never allow it if I didn't talk to him. She has been in abusive relationships and tolerates unreasonable behavior such as his, even thinks it's not as bad as other previous partner's were.

What I meant by financially independent, yes I do pay for everything. Now I do since moving out.

Hmm, boundary setting books would be great. To amazon!

I am sorry that you are in such a position. Unfortunately you can't save your mom either she's the one that has to do that . My dad's a horribly abusive person as well, but I am lucky as my mom has not been with him in over 25 years . But when my dad's abusive which could be for months and months and months at a time I just don't talk to him .

Agree with everyone. Don't feed or reward this behavior. Let texts/calls go to VM or answer once a day or less.

This is your father.. Even your partner shouldn't be so 'expectant' of you.

Show's his 'lack' of respect towards you.. which is awful

You do not owe him this.. it's HIS attempt of continued control over you. Don't play the game.

You ARE entitled a Life! No need for him to be so nosy or involved.. and he NEEDS to be shown this.

He has issues!

Since you have moved out ( he's married still?).. mom have nothing to say here?..... You're outta there... keep moving on.

He is acting like a kid.. ignore.

Thank you SooSad33, I needed to hear that. My father does have physical issues which affect his mental health (thyroid issues) so I have tried to accommodate in the past to keep the peace, although it backfires many times.

My mother (yeah, still married -_-) did have something to say about this; to call him and calm his insecurities. As in, to say I didn't mean to say I didn't want to talk to specifically him on the phone (I didn't say that he misconstrued it - I said I couldn't respond all the time and I hate talking on the phone in general because I have poor hearing which is frustrating for me). I said I would come visit so I don't get how these things always get blown out of the water by him that I don't want to see my family.

I told her that I am an adult now and won't call him (I am getting sick again with a sore throat anyway). He needs to sort through his insecurities himself, etc.

Tell your dad you love him. But you have a job and a life, and you are not tied to your phone. Then tell him you will call him (you choose the intervals) every week or whatever you choose. And then stick with it.

I had a similar situation as you when I left the nest, but it was much milder. There was no abuse or anything, but they did not want to let go.

It is hard to disconnect. As long as you feed it, their controlling behavior, older relatives will continue to do this sort of thing. It happens a lot. I was working with a 20 year old-ish guy and he said his parents so far had never allowed him to do anything on his own. I was not in a position to tell him, but I wanted to tell him: you just have to disconnect. If you dont they will just continue to run your life. Its just part of their nature.

Actually not too much happens after you disconnect. They just say to themselves "Oh Well, I guess he has to do his own thing now..."

and that is sort of the end of it.

You havent been on your own too long yet, and its a big step and it feels like the world will come apart if you disconnect, but it wont. And even if it does, likely they will still help you out if you need some help after you disconnect.

They actually know you need to disconnect, its a part of growing up, but they dont want to lose their baby.

Maybe do it in small steps, so it isnt such a drastic change. Every month, just stop doing one of the things they constantly require. After a year you will be rid of all of it.

OK, I just re-read it. A week. Of course he is still calling you. Just work at it and it will all fade away. He still needs you, and its overwhelming that you are growing up and leaving the nest. A week isnt too long