Don't know how to solve this. BF threw a strop because I haven't moved out yet

A couple of months ago, I had told my boyfriend I was moving out in March into my flat (that is currently rented). I live with my parents right now and he doesn't like that I do (I'm 27, female). But I told him today that it looks like it might be later, because I have credit card balances to clear from last year and I want to be in a financially strong position before I move out into my flat. I thought he would respect that. It turns out he didn't, it was the opposite.

We were in bed together being sweet after a great evening and I was on cloud 9 etc, you know the drill. And then when this topic came up and I explained that it *might* now be May at the latest, he suddenly changed, he became tense, disconnected, detached, said he was disappointed, that he was looking forward to me moving out, that i didn't do what I said I would do.

He then asked me again lots of questions about my finances (this is something we already had a dispute about 4 weeks ago- I felt he was being intrusive and asking too much about my credit card debt and how I spend my money) and i was answering his questions but just felt very caught off guard. He was asking a LOT of specific things.

By the way, when I say debt, it's about £6k that i can clear after a few pay cheques and on an interest free balance transfer. So, I know solidly that I'm not being irresponsible about this. I have never paid card interest in my life and know what I'm doing. What frustrates me is his lack of trust in how i am managing my money.

Anyway, he threw this big strop about it and was talking to me like a disappointed school teacher, that I don't see it as much of a priority as I should to move out. I said I do, but paying off my debt and saving money while being at home is a pre-requisite. He disagreed. He also disagreed that I found his whole way of raising this disrespectful. I said is it fair to make such a big deal out of this while we are in bed together? And he said: "yes, if i was in a pickle, I'd want someone to give me a kick up the back*** too and it would motivate me."

And i said well I don't work that way and don't like to be spoken to like that and I'm wondering how i'll deal with it if this is his way of communicating. I feel mainly angry and frustrated that he doesn't respect or trust what i am doing. I can't believe he can't just wait another 2 months until I move out. His excuse was that he's "invested" in us and that I've misled him.

We just don't seem to be able to agree. I left because it got late and the argument was going around in circles. But I'm feeling very unsettled and unhappy about this. He said when I was leaving that he believes that we can resolve this. I don't feel as sure, and it upsets me. His reaction has made me insecure in the relationship, and I don't like that he feels he can lecture me like how he did. What do I do?

Is he right? Do I just need to maybe just take in what he said and not get so upset about it?

No. he is not right.

I don't think people should live at their folks indefinitely. I think you SHOULD move out.

But you are so sensible to wait until your debt is eliminated.

Its not like you don't have a plan to do so.

Its not like you are sponging off your parents.

Does he want you to move so you will have more sex with him more often? And then be so high in debt that if an emergency comes, you are stuck?

He sounds like a selfish child.

Honestly, if he treats you this disrespectfully, I would end the relationship. He is acting on "what's in it for him".

Maybe there is more to the story with your folks, maybe you are dependent on them who knows.but most guys would really like that a woman has a sensible plan. This guy is not future husband material. 2 more months in the main scheme of things is nothing.

I say temporarily cancel your move out plans - let him kick and scream - settle all your debt and put away a little money as an emergency fund, then once you have that done, give your tenants a reasonable time frame to move out in. Do they have kids? Then let them stay until school lets out for the summer. Who cares if its an extra few months. Then move so you aren't evicting anyone - or if their lease is up in August - wait til then.

I can't believe he can't just wait another 2 months until I move out. His excuse was that he's "invested" in us and that I've misled him.

Were you moving him into you flat with you - don't. Get a female roommate if you need someone to share expenses. Also, isn't paying off your debt - if you see this as a long term relationship "investing in us?" If you already own your own flat - and just temporarily moved in with your folks because it made better financial sense to rent it for awhile after debt was squared away - if that's the case, and you have definite plans - why is this such a problem for him? Most 27 single 27 year olds don't own property.

Thanks. This is exactly how I feel right now. Glad it is not just me that is feeling like this in my own mind. In my frustrated state, here is what I have written and want to send him. I'm not sure if I should wait until the morning though:

I'm not feeling great about things. I left because you asked, but I don't like leaving things that way. I find it quite difficult to sleep when I feel like this. It seems the more bothered I am about something, the more you just want to go to bed. The last time we talked about this topic (my finances, etc), 3-4 weeks ago, you were just as tense and annoyed, and in the end after a long conversation you said to me you would trust me that I would sort it out and that's how we settled it. Well it's barely been a month and you don't trust me at all, as indicated by the fact that you're already asking detailed questions about my finances again, you clearly do not believe what I say, you told me you think I'm being dishonest, and all of that coming from you is quite unpleasant to hear. I'm still in the process of achieving my goal by creating 'mini goals' for myself to get there, and instead of being encouraging, you have no respect for that at all and refuse to even believe I'm taking any action to sort things out. It feels as if you are more concerned about the end goal (me moving out) asap so that your needs can be met more; and it feels like you are just having a strop about having to wait potentially a couple of months longer before that happens. Your excuse is that you are 'invested' yet if that was the genuinely the case, you wouldn't mind waiting a bit longer. And just to put things into context, have not 'done' something to wrong you, I have not committed a crime or doing something shameful/disgraceful by being at home, as much as it sucks, it is not something criminal that is inherently wrong for you to be so judgemental about it and guilt me so much over it. I know you are judgemental about it, but if it's that much of a big deal to you, you did not need to accept that about me in the first place. You could just explore something with someone who ticks that 'box'. I am frustrated with it, but i don't want to be impulsive. It's really important to me to clear my debt before I move in. I didn't do something I said I was going to do on time, but that was something I am doing for myself, I'm not doing it for you, this is not a gift to you, it's for myself first. I haven't let you down. I would be letting myself down though if I felt pressured enough by you to move out while I still have the debt to pay and unable to live how I want to live. You can choose to accept this or not, but right now I don't feel very accepting of your attitude to this and I was looking forward to the beach trip this weekend but I don't know how you still expect me to feel that way or motivated to go and do anything with you after an evening of lecturing and your probing; and moreover your lack of trust.

I can't believe he can't just wait another 2 months until I move out. His excuse was that he's "invested" in us and that I've misled him.

 

Were you moving him into you flat with you - don't. Get a female roommate if you need someone to share expenses. Also, isn't paying off your debt - if you see this as a long term relationship "investing in us?" If you already own your own flat - and just temporarily moved in with your folks because it made better financial sense to rent it for awhile after debt was squared away - if that's the case, and you have definite plans - why is this such a problem for him? Most 27 single 27 year olds don't own property.

Thank you....!!! I Agree. I just going crazy wishing he'd understand this. It is a studio flat, so unfortunately can't rent out a bedroom or even living room ha. Hence why i rented it out for a year.

I was thinking of saying 'if you're invested in us, a couple more months wouldn't hurt'.

No plans to move in together at this stage. He was just looking forward to coming to my flat and me being 'an adult' as right now i'm not because I live with my parents and he doesn't like how that sounds, and doesn't like that it means I can't stay over all the time. This part, I can empathise with. But still. There's a plan in place. It is just that it got a little postponed.

I am so upset right now. He was finding it odd that i was the annoyed / upset one in this. He just kept saying 'you knew how much of a big deal this was to me'.

I knew it mattered, but no, i did not know it was SUCH a big deal.

Cut the WHOLE letter out except for this and say it in person, unless you don't feel strong enough to do it: (bold words my additions) ...where i deleted things.

It's really important to me to clear my debt before I move into MY PLACE. This is something I am doing for myself, I'm not doing it for you, this is not a gift to you, it's for myself......I would be letting myself down... if I felt pressured enough by you to move out while I still have the debt to pay and unable to live how I want to live. You can choose to accept this or not, but right now I don't feel very accepting of your attitude to this and your lack of trust. Accept that I am a responsible person and wish to live debt free. I will continue to live with my parents until I have enough saved to have a safety net. IF YOU ARE FRUSTRATED BY THE DAY AND ARE LOOKING AT MY MOVE AS SOLELY AN OPPORTUNITY FOR MORE SEX AND CARE ONLY ABOUT THAT, THEN WE HAVE VERY DIFFERENT PRIORITIES.

I would no longer give him a "deadline". you pay off that debt, create a little bit of safety net, and you do it your way. Don't tell him a goal date. If he wants to stomp off like a child, then he does.

Thank you so much seriously.

I think he is being very unreasonable and extremely immature. I think you should send him what you wrote. If he can't accept it then he isn't right for you.

Lisa

After reading your previous threads, the only issue you need to solve (as in the title to this thread) is to kick this guy to the curb. His emotional abuse is dragging you down to a level where the thought of brainwashing is questionable, (imo).

You deserve much more than this, and it's time to raise your standards.

There are so many things wrong with this whole picture! First, is he not controlling much?

How does you moving out a month or 2 later interfere with him investing in "us?" This makes no sense at all! I normally would not say this, but I agree with the other comments, DUMP him! Could you possibly see a future with someone whom is this controlling? He's ONLY your boyfriend, he has no right to tell you where you should live and how you should manage your money. You will have a miserable future with this guy if he's already like this now.

I strongly believe a solid relationship requires teamwork, he's not working with you as a team. You want to be financially stronger so you are staying with your parents a few extra months. Big deal! He should be proud of you for wanting to pay off your debt first. Why does it bother him so much if you are taking a few months longer? I'm really curious to know because this whole thing doesn't make any sense to me. Is there more to the story?

Forgot to mention, what a jerk! I seriously would not tolerate that behavior. It gives me the shivers that there are people like that! Yikes!

It's posts like this that seriously make me more content being single after my divorce lol...what a complete douchebag. Don't let his gradeschool whining throw you off your plans

Haha. Thanks guys. So I sent him that very long text.

He wrote the following back to me:

I'm sorry that I spoke to you like that last night.I have been worrying about you, I want you to be happy and in a good place and it always seems like being at home makes you very unhappy a lot of the time

I also understand about the flat

That's not something I've done, as you know. I'll trust you to look after yourself.

Will you tell me if things aren't going to plan? The thing that makes me worry most is the idea that you wouldn't talk to me

That's not how it felt before, but now it seems like there was this thing hanging over you that you didn't want to be open about

I love that we are so open with each other and I don't like this being the exception

And I really do want you to stay over.That is a big deal for me

Admittedly one thing that affects him is me not staying over much when i live at home. So I wondered if he is right about that.

I'm glad he apologised. But still not sure he realises how controlling he is being about the entire thing and i dont like the pressure.

Admittedly one thing that affects him is me not staying over much when i live at home. So I wondered if he is right about that.

Here's the thing, though. Once he found out you were living at home, that was his opportunity to take it or leave it. Personally, and this is from a compatibility rather than judgment angle, I wouldn't date someone who was 27 and living at home unless they were coming off chemo or something. But that means I also wouldn't be around to pitch a fit about it every two months like he has (he did the same a couple months ago, right?). He knows you live at home. He knows you're subject to "their house, their rules." And he knows that you, at least financially, prefer it. You didn't offer him any commitment to move out so he forfeits his right to whine about it.

I'm really not a fan of recurring themes of drama just a few months into dating someone. Even if you choose to move past this incident, I'd definitely look to yourself and not hesitate to cut him out and spare yourself unncessary drama in the future. You two pretty much just started dating and you don't need to be floating your plans his way and "opening up" about what's pretty straight forward-- the fact you want to spare yourself a rent payment while paying off a bill. He's just coming up with excuses for acting like a baby.

Oh, that's not one thing. It's the thing. Make no mistake.

 

Here's the thing, though. Once he found out you were living at home, that was his opportunity to take it or leave it. Personally, and this is from a compatibility rather than judgment angle, I wouldn't date someone who was 27 and living at home unless they were coming off chemo or something. But that means I also wouldn't be around to pitch a fit about it every two months like he has (he did the same a couple months ago, right?). He knows you live at home. He knows you're subject to "their house, their rules." And he knows that you, at least financially, prefer it. You didn't offer him any commitment to move out so he forfeits his right to whine about it.

 

I'm really not a fan of recurring themes of drama just a few months into dating someone. Even if you choose to move past this incident, I'd definitely look to yourself and not hesitate to cut him out and spare yourself unnecessary drama in the future. You two pretty much just started dating and you don't need to be floating your plans his way and "opening up" about what's pretty straight forward-- the fact you want to spare yourself a rent payment while paying off a bill. He's just coming up with excuses for acting like a baby.

Exactly. Yes this was an issue two months ago and he said he'll accept it and will be understanding and let me do things at my own pace. That was how it was left and nothing was spoken about since then about this. I said I would move out in March a while ago, that I was looking forward to it, but it doesn't look realistic now and i don't to be impulsive and rush into it before sorting out my finances. I said to him, you knew the drill, i told you i was living at home, you chose to continue dating and that it wouldn't be a deal breaker for you and not a big deal BUT he's now claiming that I did make a commitment to him to move out in March and NOW claiming that it IS a big deal. He was saying he has a right to feel frustrated & disappointed, basically, because I broke my promise. It was hardly a promise. It was more of a goal that I've had to postpone a little. And he also said he didn't know we'd get into a relationship at the beginning, that was just someone he was seeing the first few times just for fun we met and that he didn't know he would get "so invested" but he otherwise wouldn't normally chose to date someone who lives with their parents. Surely if he was serious about me long-term and "so invested", he'd wait and give me as long as I need to sort my stuff out? We have all the time in the world so why is he being so impatient?

Exactly. Yes this was an issue two months ago and he said he'll accept it and will be understanding and let me do things at my own pace. That was how it was left and nothing was spoken about since then about this. I said I would move out in March a while ago, that I was looking forward to it, but it doesn't look realistic now and i don't to be impulsive and rush into it before sorting out my finances. I said to him, you knew the drill, i told you i was living at home, you chose to continue dating and that it wouldn't be a deal breaker for you and not a big deal BUT he's now claiming that I did make a commitment to him to move out in March and NOW claiming that it IS a big deal. He was saying he has a right to feel frustrated & disappointed, basically, because I broke my promise. It was hardly a promise. It was more of a goal that I've had to postpone a little. And he also said he didn't know we'd get into a relationship at the beginning, that was just someone he was seeing the first few times just for fun we met and that he didn't know he would get "so invested" but he otherwise wouldn't normally chose to date someone who lives with their parents. Surely if he was serious about me long-term and "so invested", he'd wait and give me as long as I need to sort my stuff out? We have all the time in the world so why is he being so impatient?

He does in fact have the right to be frustrated and disappointed. And, on the contrary, I'd say if he was looking for a long-term relationship, disappointment is the exact feeling he should have from this postponement. You living at home is an incompatibility. You'd told him, even if not a promise or some sort of deal, that you'd move out in March. Now that March is around the corner, it's going to be closer to May. You essentially, although I doubt intentionally, strung him along. I can sit here and take your word for it that you'll be on your own by May, and I do, but it's no skin off my back, no time of mine wasted, no money out of my wallet for dinner. In his shoes, if I weren't already thinking about the prospect of you being at home more permanently, I certainly would be now.

That said, he's a grown man and, rather than moaning and groaning to you about it, needs to step up and make a decision for himself if he doesn't like it. And I think it's unfortunate you've voiced any of the deadlines you've set for yourself to him. Ultimately, you're doing what you feel you need to in order to financially secure yourself. It's not the way I'd go about it or that he may go about it, but anyone who insists on staying with you needs to respect it, whether it takes you until March, May, or next January. If this guy is someone you see yourself wanting to keep up the effort with, I almost think it's worth it to sit him down for some real talk and let him know, "I know you don't like that I'm at home and have to follow some rules, but I'm doing what I feel I need to in order to financially secure myself. I'm certainly not looking to hang around any longer than is necessary for me to be financially comfortable on my own, but I can't set a specific deadline for you. I really need you to respect that if this is going to work."

Agree with about 90% of what you just wrote. To level it out, I will throw a couple pennies in.

 

He does in fact have the right to be frustrated and disappointed. And, on the contrary, I'd say if he was looking for a long-term relationship, disappointment is the exact feeling he should have from this postponement. You living at home is an incompatibility. You'd told him, even if not a promise or some sort of deal, that you'd move out in March. Now that March is around the corner, it's going to be closer to May. You essentially, although I doubt intentionally, strung him along. I can sit here and take your word for it that you'll be on your own by May, and I do, but it's no skin off my back, no time of mine wasted, no money out of my wallet for dinner. In his shoes, if I weren't already thinking about the prospect of you being at home more permanently, I certainly would be now.

 

That said, he's a grown man and, rather than moaning and groaning to you about it, needs to step up and make a decision for himself if he doesn't like it. And I think it's unfortunate you've voiced any of the deadlines you've set for yourself to him. Ultimately, you're doing what you feel you need to in order to financially secure yourself. It's not the way I'd go about it or that he may go about it, but anyone who insists on staying with you needs to respect it, whether it takes you until March, May, or next January. If this guy is someone you see yourself wanting to keep up the effort with, I almost think it's worth it to sit him down for some real talk and let him know, "I know you don't like that I'm at home and have to follow some rules, but I'm doing what I feel I need to in order to financially secure myself. I'm certainly not looking to hang around any longer than is necessary for me to be financially comfortable on my own, but I can't set a specific deadline for you. I really need you to respect that if this is going to work."

Thanks a lot, that sounds fair.

He is right that I'm very unhappy at home. My mother is incredibly smothering and controlling and always needs to know where I am and what I'm up to, and asks in an incredibly accusatory way, as if I'm going around town doing things I shouldn't be doing. Yes, and I am 27. Sometimes I am on a date with him, I'll leave my phone on silent, and look at it, and I'd have 4 or 5 missed calls in a row. In a row. No breaks. I'd call and ask what she wants so urgently and it would be something that should could have easily texted me about. I'm going nuts with it. I'm trying to keep my cool, but after this argument with him last night, I wasn't able to keep my calm with her either, and now I'm on bad terms with my mother again too. In a situation like this, I just need him to be supportive. Is that too much to ask? I really can't wait until I move out. Finances aside, I also just don't want to be rash and act like a teenager and storm out. I would like to also patch things up at home before I leave so I can leave on good terms.

He is right that I'm very unhappy at home.

In a situation like this, I just need him to be supportive. Is that too much to ask?

It's one thing for you to make a decision to live at home for the opportunity to pay down and save up. Dealing with family is just the cost of business in that situation. It shouldn't be on him to support you through a decision you're consciously making to benefit yourself. That's on you to cope with. If you're unloading stress into the relationship on top of the inherent constraints such as you not being able to stay the night, then it speaks even further to why the guy's frustrated.

And I don't mean to be callous. I can relate. Love my mother to death. She's a living saint when I'm not living in her house. But I moved out at 18 precisely she's a misery to live with. When I moved in temporarily at 21 after a break-up, we're talking curfews, spammed calls, her screening my mail, getting chewed out for not switching the laundry around during the literally three hours I had to sleep between my two full time jobs. Again, it's the cost of doing business. But I also didn't date while I was staying with her because I was miserable and I didn't want to put drama on a woman. Worked 100 hours a week for 6 months, took my money, got the **** out of there and got back into the dating game. You'll have a much better standing if you limit the influence the influence your decision to stay at home has on your relationship.

Look, whether or not he has a legitimate point about anything he says is utterly irrelevant at this point. What is relevant is that he he being controlling and overbearing, and--believe me, it'll only get worse.

He sounds a lot like my ex. It started with her snooping in my personal papers, wanting to know the details of my finances. Soon, she didn't want me to go to my parents for dinner on Sunday nights, she whined and pressured until I quit a 1 day a week part time job that I "didn't need." Really, she just didn't like that it kept me in contact with people she didn't like. She started throwing tantrums every time I wanted to go to the gym. She tried to tell me when and if I should get my hair cut. I wasn't allowed to leave for work five minutes "early" without special permission and a good reason. She even had arbitrary rules about how low my bottle of bodywash had to be before I bought a new one and didn't like me drinking milk with baked good because it was "too childish." Of course any new hobbies or activities away from her just wasn't going to fly.

I could go on, but I think you get the point. It was smothering, overbearing, and ultimately I ended up having no say over my own life or how I spent my own time or money. Is that what you want? Because it sounds like that's where you are headed.

Offering an opinion when asked is fine. Offering help or support is fine. Pressuring your partner until you get your way is not. I could understand some frustration on his part if you kept talking about moving out but kept finding excuses not to and this dragged on for a year or more. However, taking a couple more months to get a couple more ducks in a row is reasonable and ultimately it's your call.

In my experience, letters to your SO accomplishes nothing. Just tell him to knock it off, he's being overbearing, and you don't want to hear it. If he can't accept the situation to bounce but that you won't tolerate this kind of controlling behavior. But, really, I think you should just kick him to the curb, because controlling is probably just who he is, and this man will probably take over your life and make you miserable.

Haha. Thanks guys. So I sent him that very long text.

 

He wrote the following back to me:

I'm sorry that I spoke to you like that last night.I have been worrying about you, I want you to be happy and in a good place and it always seems like being at home makes you very unhappy a lot of the time

I also understand about the flat

That's not something I've done, as you know. I'll trust you to look after yourself.

Will you tell me if things aren't going to plan? The thing that makes me worry most is the idea that you wouldn't talk to me

That's not how it felt before, but now it seems like there was this thing hanging over you that you didn't want to be open about

I love that we are so open with each other and I don't like this being the exception

And I really do want you to stay over.That is a big deal for me

 

Admittedly one thing that affects him is me not staying over much when i live at home. So I wondered if he is right about that.

 

I'm glad he apologised. But still not sure he realises how controlling he is being about the entire thing and i dont like the pressure.

So he is throwing it back on you - YOU wouldn't talk to them. So no part of that had to do with his attitude or treatment of you? And he DID NOT apologize - he explained, then threw it back on you. He is not telling you that he was wrong, he was justifying himself to you and then throwing it on you. Do you see the difference between an apology and someone justifying themselves? its BS "i am just concerned for you". If he was concerned for you, he'd recognize how smart your plan is. honestly, his thought process sounds more like the 18-19 year old who lives with mom and dad and wants to date anyone with their own place just so they can do grownup things, or so they perceive. I know the guys who were 18-21 when I was that age were major chick magnets because they had their own place. Just like the 16 year old guy or gal who is the only one in the class with their own car/free use of a family care they don't have to share and can take everyone to the movies.

I know mature adults (and you can be a mature adult at 19 or not be one at 50) who are looking for the long haul and would jump at the chance to meet one who is financially responsible and smart. A few months in the grand scheme is nothing or even a year. Its the "getting to know you stage." If he was listening to the right head, he would realize that you could have sex during the day, or night as long as you didn't spend the night. You could even occasionally go on little overnight trips where you could wake up together.

I lived with my parents when I met my guy. I actually lived with them for over three years after we met. Did that bother him? He actually lived part of the time with HIS parents because he was working on his house and the kitchen and bathroom were ripped out and such - he had planned to gut it before he had met me and the plumbing and electrical jobs ended up being bigger than he thought as the house was older. We survived. I DID stay if a big blizzard ran through and i couldn't safely get home and I called my folks to let them know. He cared that I HAD lived separately from my parents at some point before (i moved back in for awhile after a divorce).

The long haul is not based on spending the night - in fact we decided not to sleep over until we were married. We are a bit older than you and decided that it was worth waiting for. But you don't have to follow our lead. It just seems that your boyfriend wants a girlfriend who spends the night a lot vs someone he thinks is "the one" and if everything else is good and she has a plan - her temporary living situation does not matter one bit.

If you do move back in and spend the night a lot, then what is he going to complain about next? What if you have your own place, so don't have to be courteous to mom and dad and you don't ALWAYS want to spend the night - you want nights alone at your place, or to go out with a friend and come home alone. Will he throw a fit because you are not "performing" as the girlfriend he wants.

One other piece of advice: Stop talking about how miserable you are at home to your boyfriend. Focus on the positive aspects. I know moving back in with parents when you have already been out causes friction that is unique to the situation. Talk about it with a female friend to unload with. or pick up some hobbies that get you out of the house. But don't keep 'reporting" the daily frustrations to him. Don't hide things, but you don't have to report everything.

Thanks guys for the advice. So great to have an objective viewpoint.

@jman, I can see both sides, he's frustrated yes, and @abitbroken, you are right i shouldn't have let him know just how annoying being at home is. It just validates his opinion more that I should move out sooner. And i don't really want to validate that right now.

I do believe that he is framing his concern as a selfless act when it is inherently selfish (I believe) and just comes down to HIS relationship needs. That's the part of me that is annoyed. Along with how he delivered it to me. I made it very clear that I won't accept being spoken to that way again this relationship if it will work (like a bank manager/teacher/father) and that if he has a concern to express it to me from a more equal footing rather than to judge or speak as though he has no faith in me and that i need prodding. He has accepted this. He also asked me how I would like him to be instead (as a real question not as a dig) when he has a concern. But I've been bummed out all day because, well, people don't change and everyone knows that. So who knows where this is heading.

I am confused though if something is such a big deal to him, why he won't just seek something w someone else. OR if he likes me that much, to accept this and not whine. Maybe after this he won't, I don't know. But he must like me a lot to not consider breaking up as an option and just to seek resolution. By the end of the convo, he even accepted the fact that I don't owe him an explanation for how i manage my life, but just that he hopes i will 'talk to him'.

I really don't know what he thinks there is so much talking to do about this subject. I'm either in my family home or moved out into my flat. There's not much talking to do......

Anyway, I agree with those who said that a controlling BF is out of the question, I don't want to place him into that category just based on this, though I could be wrong, but he's shown respect for my boundaries in other aspects of my life. My ex was controlling and it kind of ruined my life a little. This guy is cool with a lot of stuff, but he's weirdly opinionated about certain things, like money for example, and is stubborn about it. On the flip side, the stuff that impresses me is that, unlike my ex, he's fine with me having guy friends, likes it when i go out with my friends, happy for me to wear what i want, and generally just likes seeing me happy. My ex did not like it when i did any of that if it didn't include him (I know, scary right!) and i thought it was passionate, but now i am very sensitive to ever meeting someone with those ideas ever AGAIN. However, with this current guy I opened up a lot & talked about my ex a lot at the start of the relationship, and all he did was listen, never got annoyed. He came to visit the art studios i work at after hours and saw a painting of my ex was on the wall and he was respectful and said nothing.

So...i don't know. I can't think straight right now as I'm a little overwhelmed by the argument still. Need time to digest everything

but he's weirdly opinionated about certain things, like money for example, and is stubborn about it.

One of the top reasons if not the #1 reason for divorce is arguments over money/different financial styles - half of these divorces would never have happened if someone decided that its a big compatibility issue and not have married vs the "but I love him/her" and know going into it there was a problem. It doesn't mean someone is a gambler and someone is a saver only - if one party is very controling about money - guilts, bullies, etc, it is bad news.

I am confused though if something is such a big deal to him, why he won't just seek something w someone else. OR if he likes me that much, to accept this and not whine. Maybe after this he won't, I don't know. But he must like me a lot to not consider breaking up as an option and just to seek resolution. By the end of the convo, he even accepted the fact that I don't owe him an explanation for how i manage my life, but just that he hopes i will 'talk to him'.

I really don't know what he thinks there is so much talking to do about this subject. I'm either in my family home or moved out into my flat. There's not much talking to do......

Because its too much work to go out and find someone else. If he can throw a tantrum like a small child, he can throw the blame back on you AND from what you write, you DO write like you can see where you shoulder the blame, then why would he look any further? The fact that its a problem to him is sort of a problem, you know? You have very different values if you are doing something awesome financially and all he can think about is his winkie and playing house.

He also has zero humility because he peppered his apology with so much justification and blame.

Not making a negative fuss about what you wear is a baseline thing that any other reasonable person does and it doesn't make him a star. Its like saying "he doesn't beat me, so he is a really good guy"

You shouldn't be dragging this into the relationship. The fact that you can't function as an independent adult is frustrating for him. However he shouldn't be lecturing you, or telling you how to manage your life, parents, money,etc..

He should just end it because that dysfunction is not going to end when you get your own place or have your finances under control. Perhaps trying to live in the adult world and having him call you out on your excuses for living at home is shedding light on your family problems?

My mother is incredibly smothering and controlling and always needs to know where I am and what I'm up to, and asks in an incredibly accusatory way, as if I'm going around town doing things I shouldn't be doing.I wasn't able to keep my calm with her either, and now I'm on bad terms with my mother again too.

You shouldn't be dragging this into the relationship. The fact that you can't function as an independent adult is frustrating for him. However he shouldn't be lecturing you, or telling you how to manage your life, parents, money,etc..

 

He should just end it because that dysfunction is not going to end when you get your own place or have your finances under control. Perhaps trying to live in the adult world and having him call you out on your excuses for living at home is shedding light on your family problems?

Well this is the thing. He won't end it. I gave him an out. Several times. He doesn't want to end it, yet he still whines about things / makes digs every now and again about how I am not doing anything about my situation. He tells me he's trying to motivate me to change things. I told him it sounds more like bullying. Yes, he's frustrated, but he chose to date me in spite of my circumstances so shouldn't he accept the status quo if he makes that choice? And him saying that he is 'invested'- surely if he was, he wouldn't mind waiting until I sort stuff out? If he is in it for the long run, that means...

And just to put things into context: I don't moan about my family problems to him constantly. I've mentioned family problems to him maybe 3 or 4 times in total, in the last few months. I talk to my therapist about my relationship with my mother (which is dysfunctional) and she is helping me deal with that.

I'm frustrated about this because there are plenty of things about him i don't like, but I respect his choice to do it. Should i tell him this by way of example? I dislike that he smokes and he has no idea that I dislike it. I've never voiced my opinion. I dislike that he doesn't do any exercise. I dislike how he manages his work (no breaks, lunch at the desk, working on weekends). But would i lecture him about this stuff? No! I don't think it's in my place to do so.

Maybe because my relationship with my ex before was so bad, with this guy, as he is actually super great, i let a lot of this stuff slide and respect boundaries, and i expect him to be equally accepting of me, and hope that we can accept each other. So it has hurt and has felt insulting that he hasn't. Despite his apologies yesterday and efforts to smooth things over, it's been playing on my mind still, a little bit.

I don't think anyone, no matter who, will be able to help you improve family dysfunction, your finances or living independently. It's a matter of being honest that you are very enmeshed with them, they don't want you dating or going out or having sex or having a bf. And that culturally you are expected to live at home, remain a virgin, etc. until a marriage is arranged.