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Thread: Don't know how to solve this. BF threw a strop because I haven't moved out yet

  1. #11
    Platinum Member kbbcoop77's Avatar
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    It's posts like this that seriously make me more content being single after my divorce lol...what a complete douchebag. Don't let his gradeschool whining throw you off your plans

  2. #12
    Silver Member Pretzel's Avatar
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    Haha. Thanks guys. So I sent him that very long text.

    He wrote the following back to me:
    I'm sorry that I spoke to you like that last night.I have been worrying about you, I want you to be happy and in a good place and it always seems like being at home makes you very unhappy a lot of the time
    I also understand about the flat
    That's not something I've done, as you know. I'll trust you to look after yourself.
    Will you tell me if things aren't going to plan? The thing that makes me worry most is the idea that you wouldn't talk to me
    That's not how it felt before, but now it seems like there was this thing hanging over you that you didn't want to be open about
    I love that we are so open with each other and I don't like this being the exception
    And I really do want you to stay over.That is a big deal for me

    Admittedly one thing that affects him is me not staying over much when i live at home. So I wondered if he is right about that.

    I'm glad he apologised. But still not sure he realises how controlling he is being about the entire thing and i dont like the pressure.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Pretzel
    Admittedly one thing that affects him is me not staying over much when i live at home. So I wondered if he is right about that.
    Oh, that's not one thing. It's the thing. Make no mistake.

    Here's the thing, though. Once he found out you were living at home, that was his opportunity to take it or leave it. Personally, and this is from a compatibility rather than judgment angle, I wouldn't date someone who was 27 and living at home unless they were coming off chemo or something. But that means I also wouldn't be around to pitch a fit about it every two months like he has (he did the same a couple months ago, right?). He knows you live at home. He knows you're subject to "their house, their rules." And he knows that you, at least financially, prefer it. You didn't offer him any commitment to move out so he forfeits his right to whine about it.

    I'm really not a fan of recurring themes of drama just a few months into dating someone. Even if you choose to move past this incident, I'd definitely look to yourself and not hesitate to cut him out and spare yourself unncessary drama in the future. You two pretty much just started dating and you don't need to be floating your plans his way and "opening up" about what's pretty straight forward-- the fact you want to spare yourself a rent payment while paying off a bill. He's just coming up with excuses for acting like a baby.

  4. #14
    Silver Member Pretzel's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    Oh, that's not one thing. It's the thing. Make no mistake.

    Here's the thing, though. Once he found out you were living at home, that was his opportunity to take it or leave it. Personally, and this is from a compatibility rather than judgment angle, I wouldn't date someone who was 27 and living at home unless they were coming off chemo or something. But that means I also wouldn't be around to pitch a fit about it every two months like he has (he did the same a couple months ago, right?). He knows you live at home. He knows you're subject to "their house, their rules." And he knows that you, at least financially, prefer it. You didn't offer him any commitment to move out so he forfeits his right to whine about it.

    I'm really not a fan of recurring themes of drama just a few months into dating someone. Even if you choose to move past this incident, I'd definitely look to yourself and not hesitate to cut him out and spare yourself unnecessary drama in the future. You two pretty much just started dating and you don't need to be floating your plans his way and "opening up" about what's pretty straight forward-- the fact you want to spare yourself a rent payment while paying off a bill. He's just coming up with excuses for acting like a baby.
    Exactly. Yes this was an issue two months ago and he said he'll accept it and will be understanding and let me do things at my own pace. That was how it was left and nothing was spoken about since then about this. I said I would move out in March a while ago, that I was looking forward to it, but it doesn't look realistic now and i don't to be impulsive and rush into it before sorting out my finances. I said to him, you knew the drill, i told you i was living at home, you chose to continue dating and that it wouldn't be a deal breaker for you and not a big deal BUT he's now claiming that I did make a commitment to him to move out in March and NOW claiming that it IS a big deal. He was saying he has a right to feel frustrated & disappointed, basically, because I broke my promise. It was hardly a promise. It was more of a goal that I've had to postpone a little. And he also said he didn't know we'd get into a relationship at the beginning, that was just someone he was seeing the first few times just for fun we met and that he didn't know he would get "so invested" but he otherwise wouldn't normally chose to date someone who lives with their parents. Surely if he was serious about me long-term and "so invested", he'd wait and give me as long as I need to sort my stuff out? We have all the time in the world so why is he being so impatient?

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Pretzel
    Exactly. Yes this was an issue two months ago and he said he'll accept it and will be understanding and let me do things at my own pace. That was how it was left and nothing was spoken about since then about this. I said I would move out in March a while ago, that I was looking forward to it, but it doesn't look realistic now and i don't to be impulsive and rush into it before sorting out my finances. I said to him, you knew the drill, i told you i was living at home, you chose to continue dating and that it wouldn't be a deal breaker for you and not a big deal BUT he's now claiming that I did make a commitment to him to move out in March and NOW claiming that it IS a big deal. He was saying he has a right to feel frustrated & disappointed, basically, because I broke my promise. It was hardly a promise. It was more of a goal that I've had to postpone a little. And he also said he didn't know we'd get into a relationship at the beginning, that was just someone he was seeing the first few times just for fun we met and that he didn't know he would get "so invested" but he otherwise wouldn't normally chose to date someone who lives with their parents. Surely if he was serious about me long-term and "so invested", he'd wait and give me as long as I need to sort my stuff out? We have all the time in the world so why is he being so impatient?
    Agree with about 90% of what you just wrote. To level it out, I will throw a couple pennies in.

    He does in fact have the right to be frustrated and disappointed. And, on the contrary, I'd say if he was looking for a long-term relationship, disappointment is the exact feeling he should have from this postponement. You living at home is an incompatibility. You'd told him, even if not a promise or some sort of deal, that you'd move out in March. Now that March is around the corner, it's going to be closer to May. You essentially, although I doubt intentionally, strung him along. I can sit here and take your word for it that you'll be on your own by May, and I do, but it's no skin off my back, no time of mine wasted, no money out of my wallet for dinner. In his shoes, if I weren't already thinking about the prospect of you being at home more permanently, I certainly would be now.

    That said, he's a grown man and, rather than moaning and groaning to you about it, needs to step up and make a decision for himself if he doesn't like it. And I think it's unfortunate you've voiced any of the deadlines you've set for yourself to him. Ultimately, you're doing what you feel you need to in order to financially secure yourself. It's not the way I'd go about it or that he may go about it, but anyone who insists on staying with you needs to respect it, whether it takes you until March, May, or next January. If this guy is someone you see yourself wanting to keep up the effort with, I almost think it's worth it to sit him down for some real talk and let him know, "I know you don't like that I'm at home and have to follow some rules, but I'm doing what I feel I need to in order to financially secure myself. I'm certainly not looking to hang around any longer than is necessary for me to be financially comfortable on my own, but I can't set a specific deadline for you. I really need you to respect that if this is going to work."

  7. #16
    Silver Member Pretzel's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    Agree with about 90% of what you just wrote. To level it out, I will throw a couple pennies in.

    He does in fact have the right to be frustrated and disappointed. And, on the contrary, I'd say if he was looking for a long-term relationship, disappointment is the exact feeling he should have from this postponement. You living at home is an incompatibility. You'd told him, even if not a promise or some sort of deal, that you'd move out in March. Now that March is around the corner, it's going to be closer to May. You essentially, although I doubt intentionally, strung him along. I can sit here and take your word for it that you'll be on your own by May, and I do, but it's no skin off my back, no time of mine wasted, no money out of my wallet for dinner. In his shoes, if I weren't already thinking about the prospect of you being at home more permanently, I certainly would be now.

    That said, he's a grown man and, rather than moaning and groaning to you about it, needs to step up and make a decision for himself if he doesn't like it. And I think it's unfortunate you've voiced any of the deadlines you've set for yourself to him. Ultimately, you're doing what you feel you need to in order to financially secure yourself. It's not the way I'd go about it or that he may go about it, but anyone who insists on staying with you needs to respect it, whether it takes you until March, May, or next January. If this guy is someone you see yourself wanting to keep up the effort with, I almost think it's worth it to sit him down for some real talk and let him know, "I know you don't like that I'm at home and have to follow some rules, but I'm doing what I feel I need to in order to financially secure myself. I'm certainly not looking to hang around any longer than is necessary for me to be financially comfortable on my own, but I can't set a specific deadline for you. I really need you to respect that if this is going to work."
    Thanks a lot, that sounds fair.

    He is right that I'm very unhappy at home. My mother is incredibly smothering and controlling and always needs to know where I am and what I'm up to, and asks in an incredibly accusatory way, as if I'm going around town doing things I shouldn't be doing. Yes, and I am 27. Sometimes I am on a date with him, I'll leave my phone on silent, and look at it, and I'd have 4 or 5 missed calls in a row. In a row. No breaks. I'd call and ask what she wants so urgently and it would be something that should could have easily texted me about. I'm going nuts with it. I'm trying to keep my cool, but after this argument with him last night, I wasn't able to keep my calm with her either, and now I'm on bad terms with my mother again too. In a situation like this, I just need him to be supportive. Is that too much to ask? I really can't wait until I move out. Finances aside, I also just don't want to be rash and act like a teenager and storm out. I would like to also patch things up at home before I leave so I can leave on good terms.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Pretzel
    He is right that I'm very unhappy at home.
    In a situation like this, I just need him to be supportive. Is that too much to ask?
    Honestly? Yes, it is.

    It's one thing for you to make a decision to live at home for the opportunity to pay down and save up. Dealing with family is just the cost of business in that situation. It shouldn't be on him to support you through a decision you're consciously making to benefit yourself. That's on you to cope with. If you're unloading stress into the relationship on top of the inherent constraints such as you not being able to stay the night, then it speaks even further to why the guy's frustrated.

    And I don't mean to be callous. I can relate. Love my mother to death. She's a living saint when I'm not living in her house. But I moved out at 18 precisely she's a misery to live with. When I moved in temporarily at 21 after a break-up, we're talking curfews, spammed calls, her screening my mail, getting chewed out for not switching the laundry around during the literally three hours I had to sleep between my two full time jobs. Again, it's the cost of doing business. But I also didn't date while I was staying with her because I was miserable and I didn't want to put drama on a woman. Worked 100 hours a week for 6 months, took my money, got the **** out of there and got back into the dating game. You'll have a much better standing if you limit the influence the influence your decision to stay at home has on your relationship.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Krankor's Avatar
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    Look, whether or not he has a legitimate point about anything he says is utterly irrelevant at this point. What is relevant is that he he being controlling and overbearing, and--believe me, it'll only get worse.

    He sounds a lot like my ex. It started with her snooping in my personal papers, wanting to know the details of my finances. Soon, she didn't want me to go to my parents for dinner on Sunday nights, she whined and pressured until I quit a 1 day a week part time job that I "didn't need." Really, she just didn't like that it kept me in contact with people she didn't like. She started throwing tantrums every time I wanted to go to the gym. She tried to tell me when and if I should get my hair cut. I wasn't allowed to leave for work five minutes "early" without special permission and a good reason. She even had arbitrary rules about how low my bottle of bodywash had to be before I bought a new one and didn't like me drinking milk with baked good because it was "too childish." Of course any new hobbies or activities away from her just wasn't going to fly.

    I could go on, but I think you get the point. It was smothering, overbearing, and ultimately I ended up having no say over my own life or how I spent my own time or money. Is that what you want? Because it sounds like that's where you are headed.

    Offering an opinion when asked is fine. Offering help or support is fine. Pressuring your partner until you get your way is not. I could understand some frustration on his part if you kept talking about moving out but kept finding excuses not to and this dragged on for a year or more. However, taking a couple more months to get a couple more ducks in a row is reasonable and ultimately it's your call.

    In my experience, letters to your SO accomplishes nothing. Just tell him to knock it off, he's being overbearing, and you don't want to hear it. If he can't accept the situation to bounce but that you won't tolerate this kind of controlling behavior. But, really, I think you should just kick him to the curb, because controlling is probably just who he is, and this man will probably take over your life and make you miserable.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by Pretzel
    Haha. Thanks guys. So I sent him that very long text.

    He wrote the following back to me:
    I'm sorry that I spoke to you like that last night.I have been worrying about you, I want you to be happy and in a good place and it always seems like being at home makes you very unhappy a lot of the time
    I also understand about the flat
    That's not something I've done, as you know. I'll trust you to look after yourself.
    Will you tell me if things aren't going to plan? The thing that makes me worry most is the idea that you wouldn't talk to me
    That's not how it felt before, but now it seems like there was this thing hanging over you that you didn't want to be open about
    I love that we are so open with each other and I don't like this being the exception
    And I really do want you to stay over.That is a big deal for me

    Admittedly one thing that affects him is me not staying over much when i live at home. So I wondered if he is right about that.

    I'm glad he apologised. But still not sure he realises how controlling he is being about the entire thing and i dont like the pressure.
    So he is throwing it back on you - YOU wouldn't talk to them. So no part of that had to do with his attitude or treatment of you? And he DID NOT apologize - he explained, then threw it back on you. He is not telling you that he was wrong, he was justifying himself to you and then throwing it on you. Do you see the difference between an apology and someone justifying themselves? its BS "i am just concerned for you". If he was concerned for you, he'd recognize how smart your plan is. honestly, his thought process sounds more like the 18-19 year old who lives with mom and dad and wants to date anyone with their own place just so they can do grownup things, or so they perceive. I know the guys who were 18-21 when I was that age were major chick magnets because they had their own place. Just like the 16 year old guy or gal who is the only one in the class with their own car/free use of a family care they don't have to share and can take everyone to the movies.

    I know mature adults (and you can be a mature adult at 19 or not be one at 50) who are looking for the long haul and would jump at the chance to meet one who is financially responsible and smart. A few months in the grand scheme is nothing or even a year. Its the "getting to know you stage." If he was listening to the right head, he would realize that you could have sex during the day, or night as long as you didn't spend the night. You could even occasionally go on little overnight trips where you could wake up together.

    I lived with my parents when I met my guy. I actually lived with them for over three years after we met. Did that bother him? He actually lived part of the time with HIS parents because he was working on his house and the kitchen and bathroom were ripped out and such - he had planned to gut it before he had met me and the plumbing and electrical jobs ended up being bigger than he thought as the house was older. We survived. I DID stay if a big blizzard ran through and i couldn't safely get home and I called my folks to let them know. He cared that I HAD lived separately from my parents at some point before (i moved back in for awhile after a divorce).

    The long haul is not based on spending the night - in fact we decided not to sleep over until we were married. We are a bit older than you and decided that it was worth waiting for. But you don't have to follow our lead. It just seems that your boyfriend wants a girlfriend who spends the night a lot vs someone he thinks is "the one" and if everything else is good and she has a plan - her temporary living situation does not matter one bit.

    If you do move back in and spend the night a lot, then what is he going to complain about next? What if you have your own place, so don't have to be courteous to mom and dad and you don't ALWAYS want to spend the night - you want nights alone at your place, or to go out with a friend and come home alone. Will he throw a fit because you are not "performing" as the girlfriend he wants.

  11. #20
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    One other piece of advice: Stop talking about how miserable you are at home to your boyfriend. Focus on the positive aspects. I know moving back in with parents when you have already been out causes friction that is unique to the situation. Talk about it with a female friend to unload with. or pick up some hobbies that get you out of the house. But don't keep 'reporting" the daily frustrations to him. Don't hide things, but you don't have to report everything.

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