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15 years and no sign of marriage....


kar1106

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Been with my partner for 15 years and no sign of marriage. We have 2 kids and a pretty okay life but I feel like he thinks I'll never be worthy of being his wife and just uses the excuse of "not believing in marriage" to ignore that subject. In the past he would put stipulations that would supposedly lead to marriage but we're hurtful and mean "like lose weight and I'll let marry you" Not to mention he never friends me on social media nor puts single or taken on his online accounts....is there something I'm missing?

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Yes I believe if it hasn't happened after 15 years AND two kids, it's never going to happen.

 

He used your relationship needs to string you along for years to get what he wants (ie if you do what I want, I'll marry you. If you do this other thing, I'll marry you. If you do...)

 

You of course also played a part in this, by not sticking to your own relationship goals, not setting your own deadline (eg 2-3 years of relationship and no marriage, you walk away). You should've walked away years and years ago. Instead you stayed and even had children with him in the hope that by giving him what he wants and tying him down, he'll want to marry you. You're only tying yourself down to someone who ultimately doesn't want the same thing as you.

 

What can you do now? Since you already have children together, I would suggest that if everything else is good, just forget about marriage and live a good family life together. If there are other areas of the relationship that's not working too, to consider walking away.

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To be honest, I think it's a little silly to expect marriage after 15 years (and all these other major life events). What would marriage change? Why didn't you want it sooner? Why wasn't it a dealbreaker 5-10 years ago?

 

These are good questions, I'm curious to know the answer to them. Why does it bother you now?

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To be honest, I think it's a little silly to expect marriage after 15 years (and all these other major life events). What would marriage change? Why didn't you want it sooner? Why wasn't it a dealbreaker 5-10 years ago?

Because 10 years ago I was 20. He's 10 years older than me....it's an odd relationship. We started "dating" when I was 15. I've always wanted it. I never understood how people could put a deadline on a relationship if they don't get their way. It's selfish and doesn't make sense...so if you don't agree to marry me now and stay with me forever then I don't want to be with you anymore? Lol that sounds hypocritical.

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Yes I believe if it hasn't happened after 15 years AND two kids, it's never going to happen.

 

He used your relationship needs to string you along for years to get what he wants (ie if you do what I want, I'll marry you. If you do this other thing, I'll marry you. If you do...)

 

You of course also played a part in this, by not sticking to your own relationship goals, not setting your own deadline (eg 2-3 years of relationship and no marriage, you walk away). You should've walked away years and years ago. Instead you stayed and even had children with him in the hope that by giving him what he wants and tying him down, he'll want to marry you. You're only tying yourself down to someone who ultimately doesn't want the same thing as you.

 

What can you do now? Since you already have children together, I would suggest that if everything else is good, just forget about marriage and live a good family life together. If there are other areas of the relationship that's not working too, to consider walking away.

Lol I didn't have kids to "tie him down" cool your jets. We both wanted a family.

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....is there something I'm missing?

 

Sounds like he enjoys having the upper hand. He enjoys the feeling of control he has over you. That's probably one of the things that drew him to a 15 year old in the first place, 15 years ago...

 

You need to view this as a dynamic that has been built over 15 years. He is used to having the upper hand. That's super hard to change. It sounds like in his mind you are still that 15 year old he can treat as he pleases and marriage is the carrot he holds over your head. If his views on marrying you haven't changed by now, you would need to make some very drastic moves for the relationship to change. And even then, there are no guarantees... He is happy with the status quo/ how things are and he is used to getting his way. This is a habit/complacency that has been built up over 15 years. It will not change on its own.

 

What you first need to decide, is to what extend are you willing to shake things up and what you are willing to sacrifice in order to pursue your dream of marriage. And even then, it may not happen with this man. Are you willing to break up, in order to pursue your dream of marriage? If not, I don't see much point in going down this road at all.

 

P. S. It may be that he is not willing to marry anyone OR it may be that he is not willing to marry YOU. If it is the former, then I would let this one go. If it is the latter, then imo you need to reevaluate the whole relationship and act accordingly.

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It sounds like he's complacent and happy with the status quo and against marriage. Make sure you keep your finances separate and future funds for yourself/your kids.

 

Social media status is nothing compared to his insults and disrespect. Stop begging for marriage. Has he always been verbally nasty and dismissive?

 

Start developing more of a life on your own. Stop acting like a wife since you are not a wife. Focus only on your and your children's care. Make sure you work outside the home and have many interests and friends and places to go outside the home.

 

Consult an attorney about the perils of cohabitation if you don't prepare properly.

Been with my partner for 15 years and no sign of marriage. We have 2 kids "like lose weight and I'll let marry you"
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It sounds like he's complacent and happy with the status quo and against marriage. Make sure you keep your finances separate and future funds for yourself/your kids.

 

Social media status is nothing compared to his insults and disrespect. Stop begging for marriage. Has he always been verbally nasty and dismissive?

 

Start developing more of a life on your own. Stop acting like a wife since you are not a wife. Focus only on your and your children's care. Make sure you work outside the home and have many interests and friends and places to go outside the home.

 

Consult an attorney about the perils of cohabitation if you don't prepare properly.

He's actually always been very "forward".

But then once in a blue moon he can say something so sweet that makes me think maybe there's hope of marriage one day but then I remember actions speak louder than words. Not to mention his infidelity in the past and continued disrespect with still taking to all his ex's....idk why I still love him the way I do but I do. Thank you for your reply.

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Sounds like he enjoys having the upper hand. He enjoys the feeling of control he has over you. That's probably one of the things that drew him to a 15 year old in the first place, 15 years ago...

 

You need to view this as a dynamic that has been built over 15 years. He is used to having the upper hand. That's super hard to change. It sounds like in his mind you are still that 15 year old he can treat as he pleases and marriage is the carrot he holds over your head. If his views on marrying you haven't changed by now, you would need to make some very drastic moves for the relationship to change. And even then, there are no guarantees... He is happy with the status quo/ how things are and he is used to getting his way. This is a habit/complacency that has been built up over 15 years. It will not change on its own.

 

What you first need to decide, is to what extend are you willing to shake things up and what you are willing to sacrifice in order to pursue your dream of marriage. And even then, it may not happen with this man. Are you willing to break up, in order to pursue your dream of marriage? If not, I don't see much point in going down this road at all.

 

P. S. It may be that he is not willing to marry anyone OR it may be that he is not willing to marry YOU. If it is the former, then I would let this one go. If it is the latter, then imo you need to reevaluate the whole relationship and act accordingly.

The last part of your response has always been something I've pondered and asked him once and could not get a straight response. I've catered to him financially, emotionally and every other way possible. I guess I might already know the answer but just don't want to accept it.

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so if you don't agree to marry me now and stay with me forever then I don't want to be with you anymore? Lol that sounds hypocritical.

 

How is that hypocritical or selfish? I don't get how you could even think it is. Everyone has a right to choose to leave, especially if something is not working for them.

 

If someone's life goals and relationship goals don't align with yours, you can choose to leave and find someone whose goals are aligned. And plenty of people do. For example someone who is 35 and want children is with someone who doesn't want children, she absolutely can and should leave to find someone else. It's selfish if she stays and threatens and manipulates him into having children with her, it's not selfish to make a life choice for herself.

 

Threatening to leave to get what you want and actually leaving because your fundamental needs are not met, are two very different things.

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Not to mention his infidelity in the past and continued disrespect with still taking to all his ex's....idk why I still love him the way I do but I do. Thank you for your reply.

 

So...not only is he lying about marrying you (ie if you do this or that I'll marry you), being disrespectful by telling you to lose weight, he's also cheated and still talking to his ex.

 

When are you going to decide that's enough and leave him? Or is it too selfish to leave because you're not getting what you want (loyalty and respect)?

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So...not only is he lying about marrying you (ie if you do this or that I'll marry you), being disrespectful by telling you to lose weight, he's also cheated and still talking to his ex.

 

When are you going to decide that's enough and leave him? Or is it too selfish to leave because you're not getting what you want (loyalty and respect)?

He guilts me by saying it's not about me and him anymore. That it's about our children and that me walking away from our family and breaking a happy home is selfish of me. That I'm insecure and it's not what it seems.

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He seems happy the way things are just living together having kids. Why after all this time do you want to get married?

Not just after all this time. I've always wanted to. He did too in the beginning but the novelty wears off as it naturally does and well...he just doesn't even care if it were to happen or not. He says it's just a piece of paper and it means nothing.

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Why now though? Because you are turning 30? Do want a fancy wedding or just to be legally married? Do you work? Do you co-own the house, for example? Is there financial inequity?

 

What the hold up? Since you are both obviously committed and a family? You need to present a valid reason other than having a one day party or romance or whatever.

 

If he doesn't care either way, then go to city hall and do it.

he just doesn't even care if it were to happen or not.
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Finances, we both work. I carry most of the financial responsibility for bills and daily life. Co own our home. Nothing to do with money. Just something I've always wanted because he's the man I love. Plus I don't want a big wedding, that scares me. Lol

Just want to have the same last name as my kids, not call him my "boyfriend"....I just thought people marry for love and loyalty but I guess people need reasons now. Maybe I have the wrong idea of marriage.

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Finances, we both work. I carry most of the financial responsibility for bills and daily life. Co own our home. Nothing to do with money. Just something I've always wanted because he's the man I love. Plus I don't want a big wedding, that scares me. Lol

Just want to have the same last name as my kids, not call him my "boyfriend"....I just thought people marry for love and loyalty but I guess people need reasons now. Maybe I have the wrong idea of marriage.

People marry for love and loyalty yes ,but there is much more there . Love itself will never carry the day . You need respect, compassion, and common goals , common beliefs etc. If the only thing that mattered was love every relationship anybody ever had would stay together . The fact that he does not verbally respect you ,has cheated on you kind of says there is one sided love ,from your side . There needs to be love from both sides .

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Lol I didn't have kids to "tie him down" cool your jets. We both wanted a family.

=

Welll...building a family means starting the family - meaning first comes husband and wife, then come the kids. If you wanted to get married, it is absolutely on you for not asserting your boundaries - for agreeing to have two kids hoping he'll pop the question. If marriage was important to you, then you should have made marriage important - that you should have been clear that you would not start a family before marriage, whether that meant to him or to someone else you met. I know that one can get very hooked on a man - that you don't want to leave because you are in love, but the marriage train is not coming to the station. I don't see him marrying you unless something catastrophic happens and he decides you should be on his health insurance.

 

You can either break things off with him and coparent and get someone to marry you like you deserve, or you can try to convince him - but a guy who doesn't believe in marriage won't marry. If they do, they will quickly divorce or not put forth any effort just to prove marriage doesn't work.

 

Some guys don't feel its important but decide that because their lady does, they get married - not because they are not already committed, but because its just a piece of paper to them, its no big deal for them to make the love of their life happy

 

Marriage is not simply just a piece of paper for me, at all, so i get what you are saying. But he told you who he was in the beginning

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People marry for love and loyalty yes ,but there is much more there . Love itself will never carry the day . You need respect, compassion, and common goals , common beliefs etc. If the only thing that mattered was love every relationship anybody ever had would stay together . The fact that he does not verbally respect you ,has cheated on you kind of says there is one sided love ,from your side . There needs to be love from both sides .

 

I think its best, in my humble opinion, for you to break up with him and coparent. He's not some hippie dude who has anti-establishment reasons to not put it on paper. The kids will be upset, but they will adjust and they will have an example of fidelity in their mom and future step dad if they have become aware that dad cheats

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Been with my partner for 15 years and no sign of marriage. We have 2 kids and a pretty okay life but I feel like he thinks I'll never be worthy of being his wife and just uses the excuse of "not believing in marriage" to ignore that subject. In the past he would put stipulations that would supposedly lead to marriage but we're hurtful and mean "like lose weight and I'll let marry you" Not to mention he never friends me on social media nor puts single or taken on his online accounts....is there something I'm missing?

 

 

Please, I say this as a previously divorced woman - my ex would say things like that. If you lost weight, he'd come up with another reason that is completely different to not marry you. its time for you to leave him behind and create a future for your kids. My guy now loves me and would never ask me to change myself as a person to earn his love. I don't have to earn it - i just have it.

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