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Thread: 15 years and no sign of marriage....

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Present this reason, it's logical. Also for the kids to grow up with parents who are married to each other.
    Originally Posted by kar1106
    Just want to have the same last name as my kids, not call him my "boyfriend".

  2. #22
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by kar1106
    Finances, we both work. I carry most of the financial responsibility for bills and daily life. Co own our home. Nothing to do with money. Just something I've always wanted because he's the man I love. Plus I don't want a big wedding, that scares me. Lol
    Just want to have the same last name as my kids, not call him my "boyfriend"....I just thought people marry for love and loyalty but I guess people need reasons now. Maybe I have the wrong idea of marriage.
    People marry for love and loyalty yes ,but there is much more there . Love itself will never carry the day . You need respect, compassion, and common goals , common beliefs etc. If the only thing that mattered was love every relationship anybody ever had would stay together . The fact that he does not verbally respect you ,has cheated on you kind of says there is one sided love ,from your side . There needs to be love from both sides .

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by kar1106
    Lol I didn't have kids to "tie him down" cool your jets. We both wanted a family.
    =
    Welll...building a family means starting the family - meaning first comes husband and wife, then come the kids. If you wanted to get married, it is absolutely on you for not asserting your boundaries - for agreeing to have two kids hoping he'll pop the question. If marriage was important to you, then you should have made marriage important - that you should have been clear that you would not start a family before marriage, whether that meant to him or to someone else you met. I know that one can get very hooked on a man - that you don't want to leave because you are in love, but the marriage train is not coming to the station. I don't see him marrying you unless something catastrophic happens and he decides you should be on his health insurance.

    You can either break things off with him and coparent and get someone to marry you like you deserve, or you can try to convince him - but a guy who doesn't believe in marriage won't marry. If they do, they will quickly divorce or not put forth any effort just to prove marriage doesn't work.

    Some guys don't feel its important but decide that because their lady does, they get married - not because they are not already committed, but because its just a piece of paper to them, its no big deal for them to make the love of their life happy

    Marriage is not simply just a piece of paper for me, at all, so i get what you are saying. But he told you who he was in the beginning

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    People marry for love and loyalty yes ,but there is much more there . Love itself will never carry the day . You need respect, compassion, and common goals , common beliefs etc. If the only thing that mattered was love every relationship anybody ever had would stay together . The fact that he does not verbally respect you ,has cheated on you kind of says there is one sided love ,from your side . There needs to be love from both sides .
    I think its best, in my humble opinion, for you to break up with him and coparent. He's not some hippie dude who has anti-establishment reasons to not put it on paper. The kids will be upset, but they will adjust and they will have an example of fidelity in their mom and future step dad if they have become aware that dad cheats

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by kar1106
    Been with my partner for 15 years and no sign of marriage. We have 2 kids and a pretty okay life but I feel like he thinks I'll never be worthy of being his wife and just uses the excuse of "not believing in marriage" to ignore that subject. In the past he would put stipulations that would supposedly lead to marriage but we're hurtful and mean "like lose weight and I'll let marry you" Not to mention he never friends me on social media nor puts single or taken on his online accounts....is there something I'm missing?

    Please, I say this as a previously divorced woman - my ex would say things like that. If you lost weight, he'd come up with another reason that is completely different to not marry you. its time for you to leave him behind and create a future for your kids. My guy now loves me and would never ask me to change myself as a person to earn his love. I don't have to earn it - i just have it.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    =
    Welll...building a family means starting the family - meaning first comes husband and wife, then come the kids. If you wanted to get married, it is absolutely on you for not asserting your boundaries - for agreeing to have two kids hoping he'll pop the question. If marriage was important to you, then you should have made marriage important - that you should have been clear that you would not start a family before marriage, whether that meant to him or to someone else you met. I know that one can get very hooked on a man - that you don't want to leave because you are in love, but the marriage train is not coming to the station. I don't see him marrying you unless something catastrophic happens and he decides you should be on his health insurance.

    You can either break things off with him and coparent and get someone to marry you like you deserve, or you can try to convince him - but a guy who doesn't believe in marriage won't marry. If they do, they will quickly divorce or not put forth any effort just to prove marriage doesn't work.

    Some guys don't feel its important but decide that because their lady does, they get married - not because they are not already committed, but because its just a piece of paper to them, its no big deal for them to make the love of their life happy

    Marriage is not simply just a piece of paper for me, at all, so i get what you are saying. But he told you who he was in the beginning
    Actually in the beginning he wanted to get married...and I have my own health insurance. He's the one lacking a 401k and proper health insurance lol but I do appreciate your answer thank you.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member notalady's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by kar1106
    I just thought people marry for love and loyalty but I guess people need reasons now. Maybe I have the wrong idea of marriage.
    No, people still marry for love and commitment. Your partner is just not one of them. Although given the cheating, I think it's not so much he doesn't believe in marriage, more so he doesn't want to legalise what he has with you, perhaps still maintaining that freedom to leave without (depending on where you are) as much financial consequences as if you were married.

    But in general, yes some people will only marry for practical reasons, some people don't believe in marriage at all, and the rest of us still believe in marriage as a commitment and marry because of love.

    Loyalty is a quality one either possess or doesn't, marriage doesn't change that. Your partner, again, does not seem to possess this quality.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by kar1106
    Actually in the beginning he wanted to get married...and I have my own health insurance. He's the one lacking a 401k and proper health insurance lol but I do appreciate your answer thank you.
    He "wanted" to get married - so where was the proposal? He could have told you he was interested to throw you breadcrumbs. Men who want to get married, get married, or if they aren't married but want to, they look for a wife. Its important to them. But it still also rests on you - he wanted to get married - but you were okay with cohabitating and having two kids - so you basically told him it doesn't matter to you either with your actions. And he could talk about commitment all he wants, but if he cheated repeatedly, he doesn't believe in commitment. Its just talk. Stop fooling yourself or thinking that you will do something magical that will make him want to get married tomorrow. I wouldn't want a man who cheated on me or didn't want me.

  10. #29
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    I was 15 when he felt that way. Can't get married at 15. Novelty wore off, drama set in...by the time I was 18 we'd been through some drama....

  11. #30
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    I know you can't roll back time.... but..... now he is not going to do it. So you have to decide what you are going to do.

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