Why does the dumper suggest being friends after a breakup?

I tend to see women do this more often than guys.

However, if you weren't friends before the relationship what's the purpose?

If you were friends beforehand I can see trying to keep the friendship over time. I am talking about the times when the person that ends the relationship was strictly a romantic partner. Seems odd and in my experiences of ending a relationship, I've never brought that up because it seems disrespectful (mostly through my own personal experience).

It assuages the guilt of the dumper so they can sleep better at night. It's also why mobile phones have a block feature.

Cause they think it will make you feel better. When I'm lucky enough to find someone and feel comforatable having them come back to my place. They usually ask why no pics. That's when it usually comes up I don't keep in contact with an ex once it's done. I don't see any reason for it.

They want male-girlfriends to talk to.

However, if you weren't friends before the relationship what's the purpose?

I guess it's an instinctive thing to say so that you don't sound so cold-hearted. At the end of the day, you share time together, a closeness can develop if it was long enough, and even if it is not, then all the more reason to suggest friendship, as less 'feelings' would have complicated the matter, so it's also an instinct to suggest it.

This is not me endorsing it. I'm just explaining the psychology behind it.

I personally am not in favour of exes being friends unless as you said, there was a strong friendship prior to dating and the dating didn't get too heavy, so you can fall back into the friendship dynamic after the big feelings go away.

IMO 1 of 3 reasons or maybe all of them..

1. help with their transition to another relationship.

not a lot of people can go cold turkey. so they

stay in contact until they find someone else

2. back up plan, they might of found someone

but they dont know if it will work out or

its the right decison, so they keep you on the back

burner as a friend

3. to come off as a nice person and feel

better about the break up

Situation may deter the purposes but I've found that it is usually to sooth their guilty consciousness or even worse, they would like to keep you in the loop for psycological relief and maybe a backup even. In such cases, strict no contact will do the trick.

IMO 1 of 3 reasons or maybe all of them..

 

 

1. help with their transition to another relationship.

not a lot of people can go cold turkey. so they

stay in contact until they find someone else

 

2. back up plan, they might of found someone

but they dont know if it will work out or

its the right decison, so they keep you on the back

burner as a friend

 

 

3. to come off as a nice person and feel

better about the break up

You have hit the nail on the head with that answer. There is nothing more to it then this, best that you block and delete so you can move on.

men do it just as much. Are you male or female? EVERY ex (even the ones who dumped me) tried this crap. When blocking did not work, guess what? One creeped around my home peeking in windows. Another came knocking on the door after he was blocked. Tried breaking in when his knocks were ignored. I called 911.

I doubt more women do this. It's a HUMAN thing.

men do it just as much. Are you male or female? EVERY ex (even the ones who dumped me) tried this crap. When blocking did not work, guess what? One creeped around my home peeking in windows. Another came knocking on the door after he was blocked. Tried breaking in when his knocks were ignored. I called 911.

I doubt more women do this. It's a HUMAN thing.

I didn't say it was just women. I just said I have noticed that girls are more likely to do it then men are in my experience with my relationships and my friends.

Sorry if that's what it came off as.

It is a human thing totally agree. I just think it's more of an insult than anything to the person being dumped. When I was younger I bought into that line and learned that it doesn't work out. Dealing with that again with my most recent relationship but I'm just dealing with text messages so luckily nothing as crazy as yours apparently. That sounds awful.

men do it just as much. Are you male or female? EVERY ex (even the ones who dumped me) tried this crap. When blocking did not work, guess what? One creeped around my home peeking in windows. Another came knocking on the door after he was blocked. Tried breaking in when his knocks were ignored. I called 911.

I doubt more women do this. It's a HUMAN thing.

lol I'm sorry Zuri but that's nonsense and clearly don't know men well enough. The only time a man would do it was if he wanted sex on tap or a booty call. in my case, it was my exes idea to be FBs despite keeping my distance.

As far as crawling through windows is concerned. My cousin's ex did that while he was asleep in his home with his new girlfriend. So yes, women are just as (If not) more crazy during a breakup, hence why they seek to keep their exes as emotional tampons.

To the OP, do yourself a favour and block her from all of your social media accounts and remove her number from your phone. It will help you massively.

It took me months until I finally did this and I just wished I did it soon after the breakup; It would have saved me months of time wasted trying to get over her only to get tempted to check her social media accounts. It will do you more harm than good. Don't give anyone a door to come back to. Once they walk out, make it clear to them that there's no coming back by locking it on their way out.

- Onderoo

IMO 1 of 3 reasons or maybe all of them..

 

 

1. help with their transition to another relationship.

not a lot of people can go cold turkey. so they

stay in contact until they find someone else

 

2. back up plan, they might of found someone

but they dont know if it will work out or

its the right decison, so they keep you on the back

burner as a friend

 

 

3. to come off as a nice person and feel

better about the break up

Totally agree with that. They're not gonna say at the end "Ok, I'm done, let's never gonna speak again" .They wanna come as a nice person, and it's only for them "Oh my Gosh, I'm so amazing, even when I break up I'm doing such a great job"

To the OP, do yourself a favour and block her from all of your social media accounts and remove her number from your phone. It will help you massively.

 

It took me months until I finally did this and I just wished I did it soon after the breakup; It would have saved me months of time wasted trying to get over her only to get tempted to check her social media accounts. It will do you more harm than good. Don't give anyone a door to come back to. Once they walk out, make it clear to them that there's no coming back by locking it on their way out.

 

- Onderoo

I don't follow her on any social media and have gone NC since the BU. We work in the same office so I do say hello to her in the halls but thats about it. I did bite at one breadcrumb text and learned from that mistake.

I just find it weird that sometimes they try to push the whole friends thing. If the other person respected your wish of no longer wanting a romantic relationship then why try to keep bringing up the whole let's be friends thing? If I respect your decision to end things then why can't you respect my decision of not wanting to be friends?

If I break up with someone and I say, "Let's be friends," it is because:

A. I feel sorry for him.

B. I might need someone strong one day to help me move furniture.

It is not because:

A. I want him there while I am transitioning to another guy.

B. I want to have the option to have sex with him.

C. I want to keep the door open.

If I break up with someone and I say, "Let's be friends," it is because:

A. I feel sorry for him.

B. I might need someone strong one day to help me move furniture.

 

It is not because:

A. I want him there while I am transitioning to another guy.

B. I want to have the option to have sex with him.

C. I want to keep the door open.

So if those are your reasons, why even bring it up? Unless I am missing sarcasm in your post.

I just find it interesting the different reasons people bring it up. It wouldn't feel right to me to say "let's be friends" even though I do feel bad about ending a relationship. It's like adding salt to the wound.

When you weren't friends before: To ease their own guilt. It is mostly about them not about you. I even think there is something awfully cruel about this, as one would want to keep their ex close while they go out and date other people.

Couldn't agree more with the first comment. Block and delete. When they realise they have no better options to move on to they resort back to yourself, and have a hold due to the emotional attachment. Again, block and delete, move on, be happy.

Well, there are some exceptions to the rule My ex told me honestly and brutally she didn't love me anymore and don't want to be in a relationship with me. She didn't want to contact her, didn't want to go out with me. Being "friends" was not even an option for her. DAMN! That b---h is strong!

Well a complicated situation came up and we sort of talked a little. My dad passed away and she showed up at the wake crying (which was odd since she never met him. And another side note, she left me a week after I found out about his diagnosis). After the wake and funeral she reached out saying we should catch up.

Her timing was really off on all of this and basically asked her point blank what her intentions were. She stated she would like to remain friends (mind you we didn't know each other before we dated). I told her I appreciated the support but have been clear on the whole lets be friends thing. I told her I knew from past experiences that it doesn't work unless a prior friendship had been established. She asked for space and I had to take her word on that (when she ended things). And I wished her the best of luck.

But overall, I have not reached out to her and never told her I wanted to be friends. I told her the night she ended it that being friends wasn't going to happen and not because I was mad at her or how things ended. She tried reaching out the past few months, once I bit but realized it was a breadcrumb text. The others I have ignored. But obviously with my dad's passing I had to at least be a little cordial but once she tried to bring up the whole let's be friends thing, I had to politely decline. Weird timing by her to be honest when she knew my stance already.

In terms of the theme of the original post. I agree usually they do it more for themselves than they do to actually wanting to be "friends." If you were long time friends before I could see it eventually happening but outside of that, it just doesn't work or if it does happen, gets really awkward and one person can get hurt (maybe even the dumper who initiated the LBF talk!).

I know in my experience if I were to be friends with my most recent ex, she most likely would slowly inch away as she went to find someone else. And in some ways, telling them you don't want to be friends is almost like giving the dumper a taste of their own medicine (i know this sounds petty or childish, but couldn't find a better phrasing). You are showing them that you can move on with your life and still be happy even though they are no longer a part of it.

Well, there are some exceptions to the rule My ex told me honestly and brutally she didn't love me anymore and don't want to be in a relationship with me. She didn't want to contact her, didn't want to go out with me. Being "friends" was not even an option for her. DAMN! That b---h is strong!

 

While that is rough to go through, I would much rather have that happen than basically getting told you aren't good enough for someone in a romantic way but they would still like to be a "friend." The problem is people use friend in the wrong context. I have a good group of friends and then I have circles of acquantances/friends (friends from college I see now and then, work friends, etc) plus there are other "friend" groups. But they try to make it sound they want to stay close in terms of a "friend" when in actuality more often than not you will be left in the dust within 6-12 months.

 

Again, I am only talking in context of those who only dated and had no prior long lasting friendship beforehand.

While that is rough to go through, I would much rather have that happen than basically getting told you aren't good enough for someone in a romantic way but they would still like to be a "friend." The problem is people use friend in the wrong context. I have a good group of friends and then I have circles of acquantances/friends (friends from college I see now and then, work friends, etc) plus there are other "friend" groups. But they try to make it sound they want to stay close in terms of a "friend" when in actuality more often than not you will be left in the dust within 6-12 months.

 

Again, I am only talking in context of those who only dated and had no prior long lasting friendship beforehand.

Yeah, we weren't friends before we met and became romantic partners, so we should not be such afterwards, I agree with you. I really appreciate her honest opinion, though. There are not so many people that would you tell the truth as it is.

I guess my situation is a little different. My ex-girlfriend and I were together for about 15 months. She broke up with me, but we actually made a transition to simply being friends. And best friends at that, as we were during the relationship (even if we weren't perhaps romantically compatible). In the last month, she has found a new boyfriend, about whom she seems extremely serious (already mentioning marriage). I truly think she wants to remain best friends with me as she heads into this new stage in her life. The problem is that I'm not making the transition so well, seeing our friendship changing rather dramatically -- changing naturally from her perspective, but dramatically from mine. I'm still working on what to do. It may be no contact for me, even though I think this would genuinely hurt her. We'll see.

I guess my situation is a little different. My ex-girlfriend and I were together for about 15 months. She broke up with me, but we actually made a transition to simply being friends. And best friends at that, as we were during the relationship (even if we weren't perhaps romantically compatible). In the last month, she has found a new boyfriend, about whom she seems extremely serious (already mentioning marriage). I truly think she wants to remain best friends with me as she heads into this new stage in her life. The problem is that I'm not making the transition so well, seeing our friendship changing rather dramatically -- changing naturally from her perspective, but dramatically from mine. I'm still working on what to do. It may be no contact for me, even though I think this would genuinely hurt her. We'll see.

Sorry to hear but one thing you shouldn't read into is her whole talk about marriage with this new guy. It's been a month you said right? And she is already talking marriage? Obviously your situation is different than mine and salute you for trying to be friends with her but obviously this is too much too soon for you.

You might think you are not romantically compatible but you still have strong feelings for her obviously. And for her to mention marriage to you (or at all after only a month with this new guy) shows she doesn't seem to care about your feelings (even though you signed up to be friends) or the barriers that you two should be having during this friendship.

Best of luck but you probably are right. NC is the right play here since she is not respecting some of the barriers of this new friendship and mentioning things like marriage about this new guy only a month or so in.

Thanks for your reply, mgsportsfan252! I can't help but remember when I once broached the subject of our possibly getting married about 8 or 9 months into our relationship -- she broke out crying, she hated the idea so much. (I didn't ever bring it up again.) However, she does seem serious about this new fellow. I guess she wants to believe that I'm the ideal friend, infinitely adaptable depending on her needs. She wants to believe that there aren't any barriers between us, since we are in fact such close friends. However, it just isn't so easy for me. My brain tells me that I'm over the romantic part of what was between us, but my emotions have been so crazy since learning of the new boyfriend that maybe my heart is trying to tell me I'm not as over it as I think. In any case, I think you're right that NC is the way I will have to go. Part of me really doesn't want to do it, but it may be the only way I can calm these emotions of mine and move on. Thanks again.

My ex suggested this and I said no and blocked her from everywhere.