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Thread: BF doesnt know what he wants and decided TWO days before V day

  1. #1
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    BF doesnt know what he wants and decided TWO days before V day

    My Bf and I were talking for 3 months before we got together, and we've just officially dated one month. He's 28, I'm 22.. and Initially never expected to like him but I ended up liking him more than I intended. First three months were great we were super involved in each other's lives and we spoke every single day.H He seemed crazy about me, wanted to get to know more about me and made time with his busy schedule. I wasn't physically attracted to him at all at first but then more I got to know him, and the more we spoke about our upbringing's and such I started to realize that we had so much in common and I enjoyed spending time with him. The second date he made the mistake of trying to kiss me in his apt, and I stopped him and told him I was a bit more traditional in the sense that I liked him and wanted to see where else this was going and that it was too quick for me, he respected that.

    The third date I accidently got a little too tipsy on wine and I hooked up with him for the first time that night because again, I initially thought I wasn't going to like him. But what do you know... we kept hooking up those first two months and it was unlike anything I've ever had in the past where there was no interest after the hookup. He always asked me to stay, get breakfast with him.. nap and talk some more. We got to know each other a lot during this time. I also got into a car accident and honestly, if it wasn't for this man I would have been an emotional mess I always kept my composure around him but he helped me internally and physically by massaging me withought asking at random times when we hung out, and asking me all the time how my neck was day by day. It was shocking to me that he cared enough to do these things.

    Then my birthday comes around the corner and I decided to invite him along to dinner to meet my two best friends, my friends were in awe at how sweet he was to all of us and how much he showed he cared about me. He bought us all drinks to pre game at a bar and helped pay for dinner.

    Fast forward, we agreed to then eventually be exclusive... I was gone on holiday for a month and we were still very involved texting and calling eachother and then when I came back we made things official.

    We always have a great time together, we always communicated better in person because the issue I had with him was that he wasnt much of a texter/phone caller etc. kindof guy but I accepted that, he was busy throughout the day and so was I. But the more business trips he went on the more he called me less and less, we had a conversation once where I told him I would appreciate it if he called me when he's on business trips and he said he understood where I was coming from.

    He then had a superbowl party at his apt recently and I noticed that almost (not everyone but almost everyone) all of his co workers are either in serious relationships, married, or about to be.. which is normal for that time frame.

    He finally introduced me to his bestfriend and his gf.

    Over the weekend we both got sick and he was even sicker with pneumonia. I had told him I thought it was best if we focus on working and getting better so that we were better for valentines day and he agreed mutually. I called him saturday just because I thought of him and he didnt answer me.. in fact i called him twice and i already am so hesistant to call him because he's always giving me excuses about how his ex loved to be chatty on the phone for hrs and so therefore he's not into that, but it was just talk to to him for a little bit and he replies "Hey, I'm finishing up a movie with roommate. Do you want me to call you..?" immediately after I did. I read it highly confused because I thought it was only natural for your to assume someone wants to call you back? So i called my mom did other things, and in 20 minutes he then texts me with "I'm going to sleep now, goodnight!"

    I didnt answer him till the next day, he finally understood I was mad he then asked me again, when he could call me? I was so upset that this isn't the first time he has to formally ask to call me, because he'll never take the initiative. I waited till 9pm that day to see if he'd call me he wrote me specifically and admitted in a text "I'm sorry I haven't been communicative enough recently".

    I then texted him at 9pm asking him about why he didnt speak to me all day and what was up? obviously I sounded upset and I told him I felt that he had no sense or care in the world for not even thinking to take the initiative and calling me back. He replied immediately and told me "It wasnt obvious to me that I needed to call you back"

    I was upset. We ended up talking that sunday, and one conversation about how badly he communicates ended up in him telling me that what he feels is that maybe he "lacks a certain emotion" to fix what I was mentioning over the phone about putting in more effort not even by much because he was getting better. He literally then told me he didnt know what he wanted anymore. And Once I heard that I thought to myself "This is over." so I expressed If he didnt know what he wanted then there was nothing I could do about that and that we needed a break. He agreed.

    I've spent days crying myself to sleep, wondering how someone went from being so interested, involved and wanting to be in this to then changing their mind in one day, in one phone conversation and being unsure of me! i then woke up on valentines day and felt the need to send him one last message in which I didnt expect him to respond to but he did. I told him everything I needed to say in which included that I felt he feels pressure to be a more serious relationship and that he needs to be in love with me, but that I dont expect that from him yet because it's too soon to feel that way and that I understand him. but that because of what happened on sunday I wondering if his interest and true intentions were honest and that I hoped to one day to forgive someone as heartless as him.

    He responded immediately, he disagreed and told me he was hurt about certain things especially about me entertaining the possibility of him not being honest with his intentions because he didnt want it to end as he had made so many plans on v day for us.

    He requested to meet up and I agreed. We had tea at a shop nearby and I let him talk mostly because I wanted to get a sense of where he was at emotionally. He was extremely polite btw, as he waited till I got there to buy me tea. He basically told me he thought that we had different forms of communicating and while he really liked me and enjoyed spending time with me he said that hypothetically speaking if we got back together 1. He didnt know if he could get past what all happened on sunday and 2. He didnt think my reaction was necessary and that I shouldnt try change his phone habits, because it's not that big of a deal in general in his opinion.3. Thirdly he said that my reaction to him changing his mind or being confused should have been more adultly respected because things happeneds and he said "what if we get back together and one of us decides its not going to work out for us again?" That sometimes you date people and one day you just decided youre not compatible

    He would not admit he did anything wrong, not that he had to ... But i did express to him that I simply wanted to talk to him on the phone. I never told him in a rude way, I never wanted to change him, I simply expressed to him that in a relationship when youre upset about something you express and communicate to the other person what you want. However, he disagreed with this and said that he doesnt find constructive criticism like that in a relationship necessary. I then told him after he kept beating around the bush in circles... that all I knew now was I agreed with him that it was a huge miscommunication, that maybe I should have just answered him and said "yes, call me." or "yes, this time works.. etc." as I maybe needed to give him the benefit of the doubt and just text him these things because then he really wouldnt have had an excuse, but that It wasnt a big deal to the extent that it should have taken to which resolved in him not wanting to put enough effort to make it would. I made it very clear to him that I knew what I wanted... It would be hard for me and id still have to think about it but I would want to make things work out again and he needs to think through things in his life. I told him that If I make him very happy.. and if he looks forward to seeing me.. then I dont know what else more he has to think about but I respect it.

    He agreed he needed to take time to just think things through because he said he liked me but he didnt know still, so he ordered me a cab home and We said goodbye. he didnt even hug me goodbye and or kiss me on the cheek just opened the door for me and shut it closed after i thanked him.
    I went home, called him and told him respectfully that If he's decision last night was that he needed to take some time and even second guess where he stood with me then I dont want to be with someone like that that has to second guess if liking me is enough. And that one thing is for him to take time but to still want to slowly gradually get back into being with me and another thing is not being certain at all. He said "Oh" mid way, and then
    towards the end he just agreed to it.


    I'm devastated, hurt, and I dont know how someone can just change their mind like that after all the conversations we had step by step throughout our entire relationship communicating what we each wanted.

    I want him back at this point but I know he's not good for me, How do I get past this point of wanting someone like that back?
    Why was there no transition in this and he just blurted this on sunday out of the blue...

    He seems to think that relationships work with little effort and communication on his terms and how he wants the communication to go..
    Last edited by electricorchid; 02-15-2017 at 02:41 PM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    It doesn't need to be repeated that you two have different communication styles, but what I am reading is a man who is conveying to you that he needs a moment to think, a moment to respond, some time to consider and every time he does it, you push.

    He needed a moment to consider the relationship. I get that's hard to hear but when you did, you ended it. . only to try to snatch it back.

    He told you so much in your meeting what he needed and on the way to the cab you still did the preemptive strike you've done before by forcing his hand and ended it on his behalf.

    I think this guy is testing you. Not in a bad way, but seeing if you have the restraint to hold back and not act out.

    I know it's hard sometimes. But when someone asks for minute the last thing you should do is not give it them.
    In turn you test him, by ending a relationship that you have no intention of ending. Be careful what you wish for.
    He sees thru it, doesn't have the tolerance for it and calls your bluff

    You appear to pushed on more than one occasion and he's not sure if this is the type of relationship he wants to sign up for.

    In your defense, this guy may not be the right guy for you. If you are looking for a warm fuzzy communicative guy, he's not the one.
    It doesn't make him a bad guy, just maybe not the guy for you.

  3. #3
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    I didnt answer him till the next day, he finally understood I was mad he then asked me again, when he could call me? I was so upset that this isn't the first time he has to formally ask to call me, because he'll never take the initiative. I waited till 9pm that day to see if he'd call me he wrote me specifically and admitted in a text "I'm sorry I haven't been communicative enough recently".

    You already know that he doesn't like to sit and chat on the phone. He was VERY upfront about that and you knew that. He is more of a quick updates/text/see you in person kind of guy. If I am exhausted and wiped out and said I would call someone, there are people that I will text and say "I'm exhausted, I'm going to bed" or "company didn't leave early enough. talk to you tomorrow" or whatever it is and that suffices.

    He ASKED when he could call you because he knows its important to you to talk on the phone sometimes and does not want to call you at a bad time - when you are with one of your girlfriends, when you are in the bathroom, when you have something else planned. I think that its downright considerate of him and it IS initiative AND very adult to do. Also, he could have sensed that you wanted to call him to HAVE AN IMPORTANT TALK and therefore he didn't want to get into it with you when he was tired.

    I think that this blew up because you kept pushing for phone calls instead of looking at the big picture. This guy prefers to see you in person. you knew you were seeing him on Valentine's day and you were both recovering from being sick. You told him yourself that you should both focus on getting better. There was no other communication necessary aside from confirming the date and time.

    This guy introduced you to his best friend, etc, and enjoys the time he spends IN PERSON with you. I think that this is a learning experience to flex - some people rather communicate by phone, some people rather see you in person and are not much of phone talkers. You have to figure out how they are and not assume they are cheating or dishonest because they are not communicating in a way that isn't normal for them. Maybe its an age thing as well

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this happened. It sounds like the argument about communication and then your preemptive strike about taking a break resulted in breaking up. Unfortunately it's confusing to go from hookups to a relationship the expectations may get blurred.

    "Not sure how I feel" is a soft let down after a nasty fight where you texted him that he was "heartless" and questioned his intentions all along. So basically you suggested a break and you then texted even more things ending the relationship. Were you angry that he blew off vday?

    Agree with him that you just weren't as compatible as you were or thought you were in the beginning. Go no contact so you can heal and move forward peacefully.
    Originally Posted by electricorchid
    My Bf and I were talking for 3 months before we got together, and we've just officially dated one month. The third date I accidently got a little too tipsy on wine and I hooked up with him .. we kept hooking up those first two months. i then woke up on valentines day and felt the need to send him one last message: "I wondering if his interest and true intentions were honest and that I hoped to one day to forgive someone as heartless as him."

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  6. #5
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    You're not compatible. Honestly, I don't think many would be compatible with this guy. He's not relationship material.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    "Do you want me to call you?" was him saying, "Hey, doing something right now, is it important?" He's told you he's not a big phone talker, so it stands to reason he'd rather not interrupt his movie for it. In his shoes, I'd feel the same way.

    He seems to think that relationships work with little effort and communication on his terms and how he wants the communication to go..
    One month into "officially dating?" He's absolutely right. In fact, it should be effortless. The fact such a minor incident snowballed into the drama introduced was enough for him to say, "thanks, but no thanks." So soon into dating, there doesn't need to be nor is there often really a "transition." He wanted a light, drama-free dating experience. Sounds like he was doing everything else right in integrating you into his life and it was, in his view, being poorly rewarded. He opted out.

    Best of luck in the future.

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    Originally Posted by j.man
    He wanted a light, drama-free dating experience. Sounds like he was doing everything else right in integrating you into his life and it was, in his view, being poorly rewarded. He opted out.

    Best of luck in the future.
    Lots of women would fall over eachother to meet a guy who would introduce them to his best friends and eventually family, etc. And he didn't just have sex with you, he got breakfast the next day, was there as support after a car accident. You used the term "hookup" but to me, everything he did said that he was dating you - it just happened that you had sex really super early - too early for my tastes for sure - but this guy definitely didn't see this as a "hookup". I agree with j man here - too much drama too early on for him.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member rosephase's Avatar
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    He didn't suddenly and without cause change his mind. He told you that he wasn't a phone person from the get go. You pushed and pushed for him to be a phone person. You say you weren't asking him to change but you were. its not that he changed his mind, you did that for him. He doesn't want to spend time on the phone when he is out of town. You need a partner who can give you that time. You aren't a good fit.

    I wouldn't throw away a relationship over a small incompatibly like that. But you did. You didn't try to change your needs or talk things through with him. You instead were punishing and then dumped him. Why would he want to sign back up for that kind of behavior in response to normal hurt that happens in relationships when people have different expectations. How you handle conflict is way more important than the conflict itself when thinking about long term relationships.

  10. #9
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    I've spent days crying myself to sleep, wondering how someone went from being so interested, involved and wanting to be in this to then changing their mind in one day, in one phone conversation and being unsure of me! i then woke up on valentines day and felt the need to send him one last message in which I didnt expect him to respond to but he did. I told him everything I needed to say in which included that I felt he feels pressure to be a more serious relationship and that he needs to be in love with me, but that I dont expect that from him yet because it's too soon to feel that way and that I understand him. but that because of what happened on sunday I wondering if his interest and true intentions were honest and that I hoped to one day to forgive someone as heartless as him.
    If someone sent me this message at any point in a relationship, let alone one month, I'd be over the hills and far away before you had time to blink. It is manipulative, needy, demanding... and you're calling him heartless? And that you'd be doing him a favour by "forgiving" him?

    He sounds a really sweet guy, who doesn't like to talk on the phone - lots of people don't! - and has been completely blindsided by your behaviour. I guess he was asking when to call you because he assumes you have a life of your own and are not going to be hanging around all day waiting for him. It's respectful to you.

    Healthy relationships are easy, effortless and fun. This kind of unnecessary drama is not. It seems that you have caused yourself a load of sorrow here for no good reason; he was clearly really into you, and is still bewildered about what happened.

    Learn from this, and in your next relationship either find someone who likes the same means of communication that you do, or learn not to take what "he" does or doesn't do so personally.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Not too mention this is not your first post about this guy and the very same issue.
    This has been a challenge for you since you first started dating him.

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