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Thread: Bad Behaviour vs. Clueless, How to Tell the Difference….

  1. #21
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Naomi99
    Ugh..I just got a text from him saying he's sad.

    I'm dying to respond, "Of course, you're sad. I'd be sad if I lost access to unlimited amounts of coffee and endless fruit and cheese and toast and eggs, too."

    Not sure what to do.
    If you are not sure what to do, don't do anything. Especially don't send a snarky comment you can't take back.
    Breath. . .think about it and share with him thoughtfully how you have felt about things.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Naomi99's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Unreasonable
    Honestly though, I hope you told him exactly why you broke up with him. Does he know what you thought about this whole affair?
    We didn't talk about the recent friends gathering in specificity, but overall how we were raised differently, different values, and are in different planes in life with different goals. He mentioned that he had been keeping mental note in his mind about how much he spends when we are together because he doesn't want me to feel taken for granted, and that's why he made it a point to drive all the way out to my favorite bakery and buy me a box of pastries. And he realizes he's at my place 95 percent of the time, so he tries to be mindful of keeping his belongings tucked away.

    He thinks he's doing everything he can, but in my mind, if this is his definition of "doing everything he can," that won't make me happy at all. Buying a box of pastries??? I don't' want to sound ungrateful because that was very thoughtful for him to do it, but turning a blind eye and not chipping in for an event that was thrown at your insistence should be a deal breaker for me. Just tossing over a $20 bill would suffice. I don't' want to be with someone who has to be goaded every single time it has to do with money. That is not a team player. That's a child.

    Taking the fruit and asking for my power bars (previous posts) without any guilt or reciprocity in your late 40s, that is engrained and will never change. Neither do I want to play the part of someone's mother and teach common social courtesy.

  3. #23
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    Sounds like scorekeeping. Toxic to any relationship.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Naomi99's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Unreasonable
    Sounds like scorekeeping. Toxic to any relationship.
    You know the irony? If he reached for his wallet and tried to pay, I most likely would have said, "Oh sweetie…it's okay. Just take me out to see Resident Evil tomorrow."

    Also in our breakup discussion, he said he commutes over to my place all the time because he knows I am more comfortable here, so in turn I should try to make him as comfortable as I can. I was like, what you talking about, Willis? I'd be much happier if you stayed home, then.

    For me, he has taken the joy out of giving.

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  6. #25
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    Definitely his "sad" text is because he now has to find someone else's place to stay at who is willing to shell out $$ to buy him expensive food and drink. Maybe he'll have to dig into his supply of exes who might only throw him some Krispy Kremes and a cup of Folgers Instant.

    And just because he's "sad" doesn't mean he "gets" it. It doesn't mean he understands that his behavior was a turn-off. He just wants things back they way they were.

    Just realize if you respond and agree to take him back without a firm discussion of what you found unacceptable and what he plans to do to rectify it, you'll end up right back where you are. Resentful and turned off.

    And maybe next time stop trying to impress the men you're dating with expensive food and drink and inconveniencing yourself. You did that with the doctor and you did that with this man. You get them used to luxury items (that you CHOOSE to pay for) and used to you being super accommodating and then get angry when they don't seem to appreciate your efforts. Tone it down. Like, a lot.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member JaggerJim's Avatar
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    It wasn't very gentlemanly of him not to offer to pay something. He is a cheap-skate.

    He is a pen-stealer and a granola bar stealer too. He stays at ex-girlfriends houses too, to save a buck.

    I think you did the right thing for sure.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    This is the only solution
    Originally Posted by Naomi99
    he realizes he's at my place 95 percent of the time
    [IMG] ]

  9. #28
    Platinum Member notalady's Avatar
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    Cheapskate, no arguments there. When we have BBQ gatherings at my boyfriend's place, I always chip in, not offering money but I pay for part of the groceries and drinks so we work out roughly even.

    He's not only being a little cheap, he's not the least bit gentlemanly. I was more shocked to read when he said you can go get the groceries and he'll just wait in the car. I mean...who does that?! It's not like you're just running to the convenient store to buy a stick of gum or something, you're going to be buying lots of things and will need help carrying them, possibly help to select things. Nothing to do with paying at all. Just general common courtesy. And he can't even do that. Of course, I know the motivation for him wanting to stay in the car was because then he had an excuse to not pay, but serious, just rude. I wouldn't even do that to a friend let alone a partner.

  10. #29
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    Ok - i will agree with the cheapskate thing.

    BUT i see a big pattern here. You and the first doctor: you were doing all the travel, buying the food, etc, seeing him when it was convenient for him and he didn't lift a finger - only another part of his body. You never met his friends. It was like you were the secret.

    Now you have a guy where he REALLY WANTED to meet your friends and he COMES OVER to your place and also wants to be seen with you - that's refreshing - but its the other extreme - he is ALWAYS at your place, and you still are doing the heavy lifting as far as getting all the food, doing all the cooking and the one put out - even if you are not traveling to his place.

    Maybe you were excited about this guy because outwardly, he was the opposite , he was willing to be seen with you, mix with your friends, go places with you, etc., but at the heart of it - you are still the one doing the doing.

    SO maybe you are on this meandering path where you will meet someone where there is some equilibrium, more of a give and take and when there is not, you discuss and don't test, so you are not torturing yourself so much. And the way he responses will be telling.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken

    SO maybe you are on this meandering path where you will meet someone where there is some equilibrium, more of a give and take and when there is not, you discuss and don't test, so you are not torturing yourself so much. And the way he responses will be telling.
    Great observation!
    I've been guilty of swinging too far the other way myself.
    Take a step back and look at it objectively. You might find yourself there.

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