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Thread: Bad Behaviour vs. Clueless, How to Tell the Difference….

  1. #211
    Platinum Member tiredofvampires's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Naomi99

    He's whimsical and thrives on the unknown. I am not like that. I like to know I have five power bars in my pantry at the start of the week.
    I'm just wondering something.

    When you went on your first road trip with him, the idea of being "messy and chaotic" and unpredictable and whimsical ("singing loudly in the car to the radio", etc. etc.) was the whole selling point of it for you. You wanted to do something that was completely in alignment with his way of being, and you jumped right on that train.

    WHY?

    And, given this was a human being, and a man no less, not an inanimate object to entertain yourself with -- what sort of connection did you want out of this, if any?

    Edit: Going back a couple pages, I see this has been sorta covered.
    Last edited by tiredofvampires; 02-16-2017 at 04:45 AM.

  2. #212
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    I think, based on your eagerness to accompany him on the spontaneous trip, that he got the idea you love to live that way. Maybe you gave him that impression.

    But that's not really you, is it?

  3. #213
    Platinum Member Naomi99's Avatar
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    @ Bolt and Tired of Vampires,

    To be fair, we'd only been on two dates before we took the trip together. I didn't know his chaos and mess was as severe as it is, and he probably didn't realize how structured I am. Also, I'm not even that structured! He is so discombobulated that he makes me seem very structured in relativity to him.

    The last three months have been wonderful for him because HE benefits from my preparedness and sensibilities.

    I make his life better. For me, he causes me anxiety. I think that is why he is still pursuing me and I'm pretty much done.

  4. #214
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    It's such a delicate balance, these human impulses! Spontaneity, whimsy, embracing life...

    versus

    order, sensibleness, responsibility.

    Obviously, someone could have a good balance. All of us have some of both. I admit I have found both potentially attractive in different women. But too much of either – chaos, or on the other hand, rigidness – can be unattractive.

    I do think the 'spontaneous' attributes can really stick out, because most people live life seeking order (which is a difficult thing to achieve in the Universe, after all – life, in some sense, is an organization of disparate parts [e.g., types of cells] into a [more or less!] coherent whole). But, unfortunately, that good balance is difficult to achieve, so it may be that the 'spontaneous' typically bring that chaos with them (which is hard to live with if one wants a coherent, unitary relationship).

    It always depends on perspective and context, however. People might display different attributes at different ages, in different situations, etc. For example, I have been living my life pretty far on the 'disorder' end of the spectrum the past few years, because I have been traveling. In some ways, I have also become more flexible and less anxious (i.e., more on the 'spontaneity' end). However, in some ways I have become more rigid, precisely because of the chaos: I have some routines (in terms of the way I travel, or certain habits I have no matter where I am in the world) that I have to confront during those relatively rare periods that I'm traveling with others.

    None of this really helps Naomi, sorry! Since it seems like you have a specific threshold that has been crossed with this gentleman (who is obviously very appealing in other ways). But I do think it's an interesting general problem -- a universal concern, really.

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  6. #215
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    The fact that you were supporting him in ways, and already aware of this issue... makes me wonder how he was the perfect guy? I get that we don't all live in the world where the man takes care of the woman, but how was he taking care of you? You'll find so much better.

  7. #216
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Still not getting why you don't block him if you are not getting back together. If it's a power thing that's kind of twisted .

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