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Thread: Bad Behaviour vs. Clueless, How to Tell the Difference….

  1. #191
    Platinum Member Naomi99's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by tiredofvampires
    What is there to figure out what to do? He's LEAVING. What does he mean by the future being "uncertain"? Is it uncertain that he's leaving? That would be the only reason to rethink any of this. As long as he's leaving, the decision is made for you. You are not going with him. So you can continue to waste your life instead of meeting another potential partner for the long haul, or you can linger with this until it "unravels." Does it really matter what good qualities he has, if you won't go to the ends of the earth to be with them?
    He will be certain where his job places him in March. It is highly likely very very very far away. It could be two hours away from me, but this is less likely. I do not want a LD relationship.

    In your other post about a lot being left unsaid on my behalf, you are exactly right. I kept true to my blanket general statement that we were incompatible, have different purposes in life, and that although I know he cares about me, he doesn't show it in the way I need for it to be shown, and it is usually at my expense. (Like caring more about that stranger's getting a parking space than me getting a ticket)

    I didn't want to expound because we were on the phone (I hate taking on the phone about things like this), he is in a different city right now, and I see no point in running down a list of things that need to be changed in a relationship that will be ending in the springtime. It would cause a lot of hurt, tons of effort,... and if things DO work out, it will make parting even more difficult.

  2. #192
    Platinum Member Naomi99's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    No, not weak, but if you decide that you want him back in your life, you owe him a kind but thorough 'coming clean' of your complaints in a way that offers him the opportunity to negotiate the changes you want in exchange for something he wants from you. Let him think on that so that the outcome is fair to both of you.

    You may be torturing yourself because you never did speak your mind, but it makes no sense to keep him dangling around your euphemisms and vagueness. If you want to resolve this, then resolve it. Otherwise, give yourself a break from his contact, which would serve the dual purpose of allowing him to heal, too.



    Now THAT is something to feel weak about.

    Head high.

    Thanks, Catfeeder…this is what I am doing. Giving it until the end of the month to let things settle down. Nothing has changed since I last posted. Still broken up. When he returns from his work trip, Ill decide then whether I need to resolve this and speak my mind.

    I used to see him three, four times a week, and with him being gone it's been GLORIOUS alone time for me, although I do miss the activities we did together. He's certainly the most adventurous guy I've ever been with, and the most persistent in trying to hold my attention. I just got a text from him saying "pls reconsider...our relationship makes sense, even when it doesn't seem to be, even when it's chaotic and messy because that's what makes life beautiful."

    I disagree. Order and structure makes life beautiful. Try being stuck at Charles de Gaulle airport for four hours waiting to go through chaotic and messy security and see how "beautiful" that is for ya.

  3. #193
    Platinum Member browneyedgirl36's Avatar
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    I said it before, and I'll say it again: Too. Much. Drama. For. Only. Two. Months.

    His whole "messy and chaotic makes life beautiful"? UGH. Translation (him speaking): "I'm a total mess. I don't respect people's boundaries. I thrive on drama. I'm a bull in a china shop when it comes to relationships."

    My ex used to say ridiculous crap like that (I could come up with a whole list of ridiculous crap he'd say), and in hindsight, I realize, he was always saying the same thing (see "translation," above.)

    Healthy relationships that work out DO NOT have this much conflict so early on. I know you know this, Naomi.

  4. #194
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    What I lhear when he uses that line is an excuse.
    "I'm careless and sloppy in relationships. I know better apparently because I can articulate it, but please overlook it. Ha ha I just don't want to do the work'

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  6. #195
    Platinum Member Naomi99's Avatar
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    He said that whole spiel "life is messy and chaotic and that's what makes it beautiful" because he asked to get back together and I said no, why should I? The relationship has an expiration date.

    He's whimsical and thrives on the unknown. I am not like that. I like to know I have five power bars in my pantry at the start of the week.

  7. #196
    Platinum Member notalady's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Naomi99
    He said that whole spiel "life is messy and chaotic and that's what makes it beautiful" because he asked to get back together and I said no, why should I? The relationship has an expiration date.

    He's whimsical and thrives on the unknown. I am not like that. I like to know I have five power bars in my pantry at the start of the week.
    If I didn't buy my boyfriend a birthday card until the last minute, which I have, I'm going to say I've been lazy / didn't plan ahead, not "I love messy and chaotic life and it's beautiful".

    If I forgot to bring my phone charger or whatever else for a trip away, and end up needing to use my boyfriend's, which I also have done, I'm going to say, oops I was forgetful and I knew you would bring yours, so I guess I was kind of relying on that. Not "I love a messy and chaotic life".

    We all forget things or get lazy or unplanned at least sometimes. We don't find excuses to make it sound special and somehow justifiable.

  8. #197
    Platinum Member journeynow's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Naomi99
    He said unravel, but i believe he meant unfold or reveal, not unravel. He is not that great with words and gets flustered with lots of ums and uhs, esp. when we are treading on ice.
    I see. "Unfold" makes sense.

  9. #198
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    I just find it interesting that when he invited you on the trip, you loved his spontaneity and carefree attitude. But apparently dealing with it on a daily basis gets you irritated.

    I feel like he gave you some idea in the beginning that you two were polar opposites, but you chose to proceed anyway. I guess you can't change yourself into a "go with the flow, anything goes" type, which is what he seems to want.

  10. #199
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun

    I just find it interesting that when he invited you on the trip, you loved his spontaneity and carefree attitude. But apparently dealing with it on a daily basis gets you irritated.

    I feel like he gave you some idea in the beginning that you two were polar opposites, but you chose to proceed anyway. I guess you can't change yourself into a "go with the flow, anything goes" type, which is what he seems to want.
    I agree with this^.

    There have been articles written, studies done -- the things that attract us to a person at the beginning of a RL are often times the SAME things that end up repelling us at the end of the RL.

    Ironically (or surprisingly) it is especially true when the initial chemistry and attraction was fast and intense.

    Not sure why this happens, but it happened to me (with my ex whom I was with for six years).

    I practically worshipped this man and NOW? A little over one year later?

    He continues to contact me (texts mostly but he's called a few times too) and just hearing the sound of his voice literally repulses me.

    Loves blinds us sometimes.

  11. #200
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Do you think he's being a turd and looking for hookups/fwb? Do you think whoever he's staying with is being eaten out of house and home?
    Originally Posted by Naomi99
    He's been texting me as if nothing has happened. He's texting "funny" gifs and memes. Have no idea what for…because they're not funny to me.

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