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Thread: Bad Behaviour vs. Clueless, How to Tell the Difference….

  1. #181
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Naomi99
    I didn't agree to get back together with him. I held my ground.

    Nothing has changed other than we've talked after the passage of time. And of course I want to hear what he has to say! Why wouldn't I? Because I want to hear what he has to say somehow makes me a weak person?
    No, not weak, but if you decide that you want him back in your life, you owe him a kind but thorough 'coming clean' of your complaints in a way that offers him the opportunity to negotiate the changes you want in exchange for something he wants from you. Let him think on that so that the outcome is fair to both of you.

    You may be torturing yourself because you never did speak your mind, but it makes no sense to keep him dangling around your euphemisms and vagueness. If you want to resolve this, then resolve it. Otherwise, give yourself a break from his contact, which would serve the dual purpose of allowing him to heal, too.

    Originally Posted by Naomi99
    Now I gotta go cry my heart. Amal Clooney is pregnant with George's twins.
    Now THAT is something to feel weak about.

    Head high.

  2. #182
    Platinum Member journeynow's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Naomi99
    and let things unravel as they do.
    …and let thing unravel as they do? Not sure what he meant, but sounds like "let it wear itself out", as in not making an effort to maintain or improve it. Does't matter what he meant, it's already unraveled and no longer wearable.

  3. #183
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    Originally Posted by journeynow
    …and let thing unravel as they do? Not sure what he meant, but sounds like "let it wear itself out", as in not making an effort to maintain or improve it. Does't matter what he meant, it's already unraveled and no longer wearable.
    Also, why would he want you two to get to the point where you absolutely cannot stand one another???

    Why not end it now while you still have SOME fond feelings toward each other?

  4. #184
    Gold Member BritterSweet's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Naomi99
    I didn't agree to get back together with him. I held my ground.

    Nothing has changed other than we've talked after the passage of time. And of course I want to hear what he has to say! Why wouldn't I? Because I want to hear what he has to say somehow makes me a weak person?

    Reminds me of the atheists who refuse to listen to Christian radio or liberals who refuse to listen to Fox news. I never understood it. Sometimes hearing the other side is a good thing, because if you're so convinced in your beliefs, then nothing anyone says will sway you and possibly might make you stronger…or at least you'll learn something new even if you don't agree with it.
    Earlier...

    What is the point of blocking? I don't care if he contacts me or not. That is his doing.

    I only care about how I react to it, and right now it is not bothering me; rather opening my eyes on how clueless and unfunny he is.

    I am not going to respond and I am very strong that way.

  5.  

  6. #185
    Platinum Member notalady's Avatar
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    Bad Behaviour vs. Clueless, How to Tell the Difference….

    Originally Posted by Naomi99
    I didn't agree to get back together with him. I held my ground.

    Nothing has changed other than we've talked after the passage of time. And of course I want to hear what he has to say! Why wouldn't I? Because I want to hear what he has to say somehow makes me a weak person?

    Reminds me of the atheists who refuse to listen to Christian radio or liberals who refuse to listen to Fox news. I never understood it. Sometimes hearing the other side is a good thing, because if you're so convinced in your beliefs, then nothing anyone says will sway you and possibly might make you stronger…or at least you'll learn something new even if you don't agree with it.


    Now I gotta go cry my heart. Amal Clooney is pregnant with George's twins.
    I don't know how it's in any way similar to listening to other people's point of view on various matters of the world, and yes we should always remain open to other points of views whether we agree or disagree.

    That's completely different to when people choose to walk away from a partner who is either bad for them or incompatible or whatever that's causing the relationship to be not working, they don't go back and rehash things with the person they are walking away from. They are not open to being convinced. And they are no longer trying to make it work, so any discussion and mutual understanding about what happened between them and why, becomes irrelevant.

    Only people who are still open to getting back together are open to hearing the other person's side of the story and see if it makes sense / forgivable and if so, whether they should give it another chance. People often get confused after these discussions, because they are reconsidering things.

    I only pointed out the "being strong" bit because that's what you said, when you were referring to how you will stick to your decision regardless of his contact, and now you're feeling confused and wavering, that's the opposite to what you said before, when you decided to walk away.

    You stood your ground in so far as he failed to convince you to give it another chance, because what he had to say really isn't what you wanted to hear in order to giving it another chance. He um'ed and ah'ed and gave lame reasons, you weren't impressed by that. But even with that, he did successfully stir up your emotions and touched a soft spot.

    If he fully owned up to and apologised for his lack of consideration for you, and promise to change, would you have not considered giving it another chance? (Ignoring the distance issue)

    The internal confusion and wavering about your decision is what I'm referring to as not "being strong" as you claimed before.

    To be precise, this is what I'm referring to:

    Originally Posted by Naomi99
    He said, "Because I miss you, you sh - t head."
    I almost started crying and I said, "I don't know what to say."
    He said, "You don't have to say anything."
    Originally Posted by Naomi99
    I'm not sure what I'm going to do. There are so many good qualities to him but a crap load of annoying ones too.

    He says he wants to do whatever it is that will make me happy.

    He's out of town right now. I supposed I can use this time apart to figure out what it is I want. I'm a little in shock right now. SOrry.
    Last edited by notalady; 02-09-2017 at 09:42 PM.

  7. #186
    Platinum Member tiredofvampires's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Naomi99
    And of course I want to hear what he has to say! Why wouldn't I? Because I want to hear what he has to say somehow makes me a weak person?...Sometimes hearing the other side is a good thing, because if you're so convinced in your beliefs, then nothing anyone says will sway you and possibly might make you stronger…or at least you'll learn something new even if you don't agree with it.
    But this is something you should have decided to do when you were in the process of the break-up conversation.

    And even now, you didn't really get to tell him what bothered you most. The parking thing was the least of it. It was his acting in a way that made you feel he was constantly dismissing your physical, spatial, and material boundaries, and how he did not take you seriously when you told him to stop doing things you don't like. That you didn't feel respected by his behavior, that he seemed to be unaware of your needs even when you stated them.

    You still (as of this reading -- I have only read up to this point) have not leveled with him properly. And instead of testing him with silence, when he was reaching out to you, hoping for something (as was clear) -- and you WERE testing him -- you should have initiated this conversation because it's one you wanted to have.

    I don't think you're weak for wanting to have some kind of closure, in a conversation. I wouldn't have blocked him, either. That can backfire, when people start to question whether they did the right thing or not, which can drag on for months and haunt them (as we see here all the time). What I don't like about this is the false front of putting it all behind you, while waiting on tenterhooks for him to make the call you just hoped he would make.

    You should have been straightforward in the beginning, the middle, and the end, and it was sort of botched all along the way. You were right to tell him that you guys have such bad communication, though (and that takes 2 to tango), and I also agree with the statements you made about not dragging things out.

    I also get the feeling something is missing in the story. For him to call and ask why you didn't call to "fix it." I'm feeling you left a LOT unsaid and unfinished in the breakup conversation, and maybe it wasn't even completely clear that this was a breakup, rather than a spat (since he said something like, "this keeps happening.") I'm thinking had we been there, we might have said, "THAT'S what you call a proper discussion?"
    Last edited by tiredofvampires; 02-12-2017 at 02:57 AM.

  8. #187
    Platinum Member tiredofvampires's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Naomi99
    I'm not sure what I'm going to do. There are so many good qualities to him but a crap load of annoying ones too.
    What is there to figure out what to do? He's LEAVING. What does he mean by the future being "uncertain"? Is it uncertain that he's leaving? That would be the only reason to rethink any of this. As long as he's leaving, the decision is made for you. You are not going with him. So you can continue to waste your life instead of meeting another potential partner for the long haul, or you can linger with this until it "unravels." Does it really matter what good qualities he has, if you won't go to the ends of the earth to be with them?

  9. #188
    Platinum Member tiredofvampires's Avatar
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    Totally agreeing with catfeeder's post above. Kind of said the same things I just posted.

  10. #189
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by tiredofvampires
    But this is something you should have decided to do when you were in the process of the break-up conversation.
    I agree. It's kind of taking the long way around.

  11. #190
    Platinum Member Naomi99's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by journeynow
    …and let thing unravel as they do? Not sure what he meant, but sounds like "let it wear itself out", as in not making an effort to maintain or improve it. Does't matter what he meant, it's already unraveled and no longer wearable.
    He said unravel, but i believe he meant unfold or reveal, not unravel. He is not that great with words and gets flustered with lots of ums and uhs, esp. when we are treading on ice.


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