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Thread: Manliputive Ex Partner

  1. #1
    lazyeejay

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    Manliputive Ex Partner

    My first post so apologies for jumping straight in but I really need some advice. My ex partner left me 8 years without explanation. We had a house and two young children together. She was quite young but always wanted a family and home. That was her dream.
    Anyway I met someone else, successful and very totally into me which was great.
    She has two girls same age as my daughter and son, now 12 and 10. We also have an 8 month baby together.
    Anyway my son and daughter effectively grew up with her girls for 6 years together. Holidays, days out etc we were a good unit. Out of the blue in 2015 my son aged 8 at the time said he no longer wanted to stay weekends as he didn't want to leave mummy. We spoke and to save him any distress I stopped his weekend visits. For the last year or so I've seen only for 4 hours a month on a Sunday but when I do see him it's like everything is normal.
    Last weekend I proposed trying again with one weekend a month to start and see how we went. He seemed keen on this and I was pleased but when I texted his mum she said he wasn't sure now.
    Bearing in mind I've done as much as I can for my children in the last eight years. I've changed jobs, taken lower pay in order to see them. One journey is 40 miles and I do that at least once a week, a Christmas because of a stupid agreement I can do 200 miles in a week. It's not exaggeration to say I've done 1000's of miles in eight years sometimes on very little sleep or if I'm ill. My partner has taken them on so many nice holidays and days out, they want for absolutely nothing.
    I'm now at the end of my tether with my boy. I've never let my children down but I feel my boy has really let me down with false hope once again. I know it's not entirely his fault as his mum is manliputive but he isn't 4 years old and surely has to take responsibility for saying one thing then another.
    My ex knows I can't do anything as she is within the boundaries of the law in the sense she is not stopping me seeing them.
    I'm just thinking now to leave the four hours a month as he obviously doesn't want to come back and when we see him it's very emotional for all our children who obviously want him back. He makes promises he can't keep. I'm not saying he doesn't love me but maybe I should walk away and keep a journal as a friend suggested and show him when he is older and starts wanting answers because as a parent I'm emotionally done in now. Sorry for the long post but I'm trying to put eight years in a nutshell.
    Thanks.

  2. #2
    Wiseman2
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    Do you have court ordered visitation and custody agreements in place?
    Quote Originally Posted by lazyeejay [Register to see the link]
    We had a house and two young children together. I met someone else.We also have an 8 month baby together. My ex knows I can't do anything as she is within the boundaries of the law. He makes promises he can't keep.

  3. #3
    lazyeejay

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    We have the standard every other weekend, half of holidays, midweek etc but I can't force him to come. That's where she is being clever. She says things like "mummy gets so lonely when you go" and "mummy misses you so much" so she plays on his vulnerabilities.

  4. #4
    Wiseman2
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    Do't let him become a pawn or collateral damage in your dealings with his mother. He's a child, let him go through whatever phases he goes through.
    Quote Originally Posted by lazyeejay [Register to see the link]
    She says things like "mummy gets so lonely when you go" and "mummy misses you so much" so she plays on his vulnerabilities.

  5. #5
    lazyeejay

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    I'm not using him as a pawn though, that's exactly my point. His mother is. I've done everything for my kids. I never even spoke ill of their mum in front of them. She has constantly fought me and made my life hell seeing my children. I'm upset with my son because he can't promise one thing then change his mind at the drop of a hat. My arguement is that he has been allowed and is continued to be allowed to make big decisions when he hasn't the maturity to do so and he doesn't realise the hurt and implications of what he is doing because his mum doesn't make it a big deal because she wants to hurt me.

  6. #6
    Wiseman2
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    He's a child. Stop blaming him.
    Quote Originally Posted by lazyeejay [Register to see the link]
    I'm upset with my son because he can't promise one thing then change his mind at the drop of a hat.

  7. 01-31-2017, 11:01 AM
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    Flaming

  8. #7
    Wiseman2
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    What has this innocent child been through for the past 8 yrs with your leaving his mother and this new blended family you have and he has to adjust to including going back and forth between you and his mother? It sounds like he gets more undivided attention with his mother and doesn't have to deal with your gf's kids, etc. Have you ever sat down and asked him about all of that?
    Quote Originally Posted by lazyeejay [Register to see the link]
    You don't know what I've been through for the last eight years.

  9. #8
    indea08
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    You actually CAN force him to come to your house. If it's court-ordered every other weekend, then that's it, period. And when he's at your house, make it fun for him and when you/he feels comfortable, ask him why he doesn't want to be there anymore. If he's 8 years old, he'd be capable of an honest conversation with you.

  10. #9
    jennylove
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    Your ex, she's something else. It's too bad he can't just be a kid, but instead, he's acting as her protector. He feels the need to take care of her and that is wrong. I'd get him as often as the courts say you can have him and don't let her play these games. When you have him, let him be a kid. Not sure what the final outcome will be but 1 of 3 things will happen if she doesn't stop her BS:
    1) he's going to grow up and they will be co-dependent on eachother. It's heading in that direction now. He could very well end up being the 30 yo who hasn't left home yet because of the dependency issues.

    2) he's going to feel the burden. And what a burden it is. This burden will cause him to resent his mom.

    3) in scenerio 1, he'll have the "daddy issue". In scenerio 2, "mommy issues"

  11. #10
    qwaspolk82
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    Quote Originally Posted by lazyeejay [Register to see the link]
    We have the standard every other weekend, half of holidays, midweek etc but I can't force him to come. That's where she is being clever. She says things like "mummy gets so lonely when you go" and "mummy misses you so much" so she plays on his vulnerabilities.
    Actually you can force him to come and his mother should be too. The fact that you two are letting a child dictate things is very concerning. You are the parents. Not the kids. If they don't want to eat dinner do you just say "okay that's fine honey. Don't eat." If he doesn't want to bathe for a few days do you just let that go? I hope not. So why would you let him dictate this part of life?

    You have court ordered visitation. Whether or not you use that is on you. But when you want it she has to let you have it. He's still a child too. He's about 10 now right? That's still a child. When you say this: "I've never let my children down but I feel my boy has really let me down with false hope once again. I know it's not entirely his fault as his mum is manliputive but he isn't 4 years old and surely has to take responsibility for saying one thing then another." That's very disconcerting. I hope you never say that to his face. So what if he's four or 10 or whatever? He's the child YOU are the adult. You need to act like it. Both you and his mother.

    How could you stop having visitation for a year? If there were issues with him wanting to come visit you should have talked to the mother and if she won't cooperate then you go to the court and ask for mandatory co-parenting classes. Because there isn't any going on. I know how some parents can be manipulative. I've seen it. My mom manipulated the hell out of my youngest brother for years and even us at times.

    Actually your son can promise one thing and change his mind. HE IS A CHILD!!!! That's what children do and you're just trying to punish him.

    "My arguement is that he has been allowed and is continued to be allowed to make big decisions when he hasn't the maturity to do so and he doesn't realise the hurt and implications of what he is doing because his mum doesn't make it a big deal because she wants to hurt me. " Do you realize that YOU are also allowing him to make big decisions as well? YOU and MOM are both to blame.

    All I hear is "me, me, me" and how it makes you feel. It's not about you. It's about your kids.

    Stop letting him make adult decisions. Stop blaming him for things and stop acting like you're 100% innocent. You aren't. Your ex sounds like a basket case but you're causing problems too.

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