A Letter I'll Never Send

We've been broken up for 5 months (after 3.5 years together). A lot of different reasons for the break up. At times, we were equals and good to each other. We did a lot of amazing things and took a lot of adventures together. Things turned sour the last year. I had tried to break up with him a couple of times before. He traveled constantly and we both began to have signs of alcoholism. I had decided to change, he didn't.

I'm now in the "angry phase" (as well as sober), seeing the relationship for what it truly was. I saw him at a mutual friend's dinner party about 4 days ago. We were very friendly and chatted the whole time, so much so that I felt bad for not talking to the host and her other guests more. This letter isn't just for him (I'll never send it because it wouldn't accomplish any thing at all), but this is also there for everyone who is feeling low about their break up. This could help someone see the light and break free from the "rose-colored" glasses. I don't think I'm finished here - just want someone else to read it...............

Dear XXXXXXX,

After seeing you on Thursday, I had so many mixed emotions. There were elements of missing you and loving you. Missing the comfort you offered me occasionally and missing the companionship because we did get along some times. Also, elements of pity and disgust. That's right, disgust. After spending 5 months on getting over you and building myself back up, I realized that I let you treat me like an after thought....always. From the beginning...remember that time when you were going on a trip for 10 days, pretty early on in our relationship and I had requested that we slow down, take a step back because I was feeling uncomfortable? You totally lost it and said, "Fine, go out and f**K other people!". You went on to sternly say, "You want a break? Fine, I'm leaving for 10 days." Then and there, I should've had more respect for myself and told you to F**k OFF and never spoke to you again. This set a precedent for our relationship. If I was feeling uncomfortable, uneasy, weird or out of place, it was my fault and you rarely tried to see it from my point of view. I would call this attitude "dismissive". It was more often than not, all about you. You were constantly making plans without me, big decisions without my input (buying a house, a van, leaving for work 8 weeks at a time, long vacations without me). You know, after 2 years of being treated as simply someone that was just there to coddle you when you were around, I got really sick of it. You stopped trying to go out with me (granted I couldn't drink around you because it obviously pissed you off and you were generally annoyed with me in the end).

We spent so much time apart with me being in in the Pacific for that summer and your work that I feel like we barely had a chance to truly live together in harmony. Every time you came back, you felt further and further away. I know you think you loved me deeply, but often your actions proved differently. You didn't know what love is - and at times, neither did I. You often made me cry because you belittled me, made my opinion seem stupid or silly and you very often called me a "crazy person" ("jokingly" you would say, but you knew it bothered me and it stopped being a joke).

Even on Thursday, the old you came out when I said I was studying a certain subject...you laughed and incredulously said, "Why?!" as if studying this topic was the most stupid, pointless thing I could do. And again you said, "You really want to move?" with your face all twisted up like it pained you to even think of living in that country - you're not the F**King expert on Europe, OK? And you're definitely not the expert on my life. This was often how I felt with you. I would have an idea or a thing I wanted or wanted to do, something I wanted to wear, or whatever....it didn't matter what it was, you had an opinion about it and you let me know and more often than not, it was to say that it was stupid, pointless, idiotic or crazy. Or it simply just bothered you. I hated arguing with you, it felt impossible some times. After a while, I just accepted this part of my life. I don't know, it became normal. I didn't question it any more and I began to maybe believe some of that . And that's my fault as much as it is yours. This played such a HUGE role in my alcoholism and addiction. In order for me to appear independent and show you that I didn't care what you thought of me (because what you said and thought of me was so apparent and such a low opinion), I acted out. I drank as much as I wanted to. Smoked in your face. It was passive aggressive, immature and a I'll jus tog ahead and give you a little stupid, indeed. Your complete lack of respect for me was simply devastating and I tried to show you that I was still me with or without you.

I was taking the first steps to changing a lot of things in my life. You, on the other hand, said you wouldn't change for any one else. So it was me that needed to make all the changes....and only because I was attempting did I fail. You wouldn't even attempt, in fear of failing! You judged me for always talking about changing but never doing it. You didn't know me in the end. I had been working on myself ALOT during that last trip you were gone for 2 months. You put on me what you think you saw, "stressed out". Did you ever think how you played a role in that? It wasn't just my job at the time. You were an a**hole , selfish and judgmental.

Seeing how you talked about __________, one of your supposed "best friends" was eye opening. Someone that obviously cares about you a lot and has known you a long time, and you barely even like that person. You talked badly about her. I wondered in that moment what you were saying about me behind my back.

It's so frustrating to get perspective on this. I am forgiving myself for a whole new set of actions this go-round. Instead of apologizing for treating you badly whilst I was drunk (which I've already done), I'm now apologizing for allowing you to treat me like . We were both guilty, I suppose.

I go back to a few occasions of you brooding and pouting, like a child. You couldn't tell me what was wrong. I didn't understand. I assumed it was me. I stuck with you through those periods. But what was really going on? I think we both knew that it wasn't right. Thinking of the way I felt with you on those days, I shiver. It's strange how I tried to fit into your world. You tried to fit me in too.

I didn't like the way you acted almost every single time you were with my family. Depressed, silent and distant. What was that about? I had to actually ASK you towards the end to try to act happy and smile around them. It was like dragging a child to their first day of preschool. I got tired of that too.

......

That's all for now.

Excellent. The letter, not sending it and most of all getting sober.

Thank you! Being sober is the best thing to come out of this break up. While in the relationship, I was so confused, often hungover or trying to figure out how to get drunk again without him getting mad at me. But he'd come home drunk too! Whew, it was fun fun fun and terrible at the same time. We're both really, really good people - smart, creative and energetic. But this one is a case for the history books - star crossed (drunk) lovers. We grew apart rather than together. And I was finally able to give sobriety a try not having another drinking person around all the time.

That was a wonderful honest letter. Congrats on the sobriety too! I am one month sober myself. Not because I was in a star-crossed (drunk lovers) relationship (I love the way you put that by the way!), but because it has been an ongoing battle that I struggle with when I want to escape.

But good on you. Well done.

Yes, you grew apart, in a good way.

Being sober is the best thing to come out of this break up. And I was finally able to give sobriety a try not having another drinking person around all the time.

Same here - I think it took me the duration of our relationship to get honest with myself about it and then another year to actually get the guts to give it up and change my life. Fear and lack of self-esteem played a big role. Now I am also one week smoke-free. I'm a new person and couldn't have done it without my ex and that relationship! It's amazing how life works some times.