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Thread: Emotional Damage from history of toxic/abusive relationships -seeking insight!

  1. #31
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    Oh, and if she is back with her ex and you are volleying these "i miss you" things, you are not respecting her relationship and are encouraging her into an emotional affair. Have some pride.

  2. #32
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Oh, and if she is back with her ex and you are volleying these "i miss you" things, you are not respecting her relationship and are encouraging her into an emotional affair. Have some pride.
    I'm not sure you don't fully understand the situation or what's been going on, Broken. Did you read the update? Pride has nothing to do with it. There is no disrespect involved here whatsoever. She has been contacting me. She was the one who showed up at my apartment and spent the night. Did you read that part of the story? Did you read all the details I just posted? About what her daughter shared with me?...etc... I know you say I should just give it up and move on, but that's easier said than done isn't it? I still believe in her. Why? Because of all of the GOOD that was between us during the time we were together, and due to many things I know about her and her life. I'm not in the habit of just "giving up" on people I care about and believe in. She's been in contact with me. It's not a matter of me "bothering" her all the time. In fact, I have been very selective about how often I have contacted her since the break up. I think she wants out of her current situation with the abusive ex but finds it very hard to accomplish that. Cycle, remember? I know you thought that my note to her on Vday was "manipulative". It wasn't. That's how I felt, and still feel now. Her response to it was her being emotionally honest I think too... But she doesn't do emotions well. She's damaged. Yeah, I wish I could just say "p*ss on her" and be done, but show me where that switch is to just make that happen? She may very well finally be done with him, or he with her, and then we'll see what might happen between us. Meanwhile I AM living my life and occupying my time with friends, activitvies, work...you have no idea how active and social a guy I am. And you suggest "find someone else". Well, problem with that is that I don't have FEELINGS for anyone else or want to be with anyone else except her. If someone comes along and changes that, then that would be great. But I'm not one of those people who HAS to be with someone. I WANT to be with her. I don't NEED to be with her. Despite of what you suggest, I am NOT one of those "saver" kind of guys who are looking for a "fixer upper", and I have a very healthy self esteemj as well. I stay engaged with this because I'm in love with her, believe in her, and see all the good in her, even though she doesn't believe it herself. I've been single more often than not my whole adult life. She came along, we connected, it was great, it had enormous potential. She got scared, pushed me away, then reopened her door to someone she knows she shouldn't have. Now she is stuck, depressed, miserable and can't seem to break out of it, even though she wants to. What's wrong with hoping she comes around, Broken? If you were in her shoes would you want someone to give up on you as you suggest I should on her? As long as my continued feelings for her don't prohibit me from living well and having fun, then I see nothing wrong with still having hope. Time will tell. I pray to God regularly to either "bring her back, or take these feelings in my heart for her away"... So far NEITHER has happened so what does that mean? lol

  3. #33
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    have contacted her since the break up. I think she wants out of her current situation with the abusive ex but finds it very hard to accomplish that. Cycle, remember?

    Oh no - i understand completely.

    When I learned about the mean and sweet cycle/the wheel of abuse, it helped me LEAVE an abusive person, not just simply treat him as a project and say to myself "okay he's in the mean part of the cycle" and make mental notes. The mean part hurts like hell and beats you down as the non-abusive person in the relationship. I realized that I wasn't crazy and that the temporary "nice" part that happened in no way could undo any damage of the "mean" parts. So you are saying that you have insight and LEARNED about this cycle earlier than I did and are not using it as inspiration to run away.

    Just because she contacts you doesn't mean you have to answer back! Again, the "just letting things happen to you". So she shows up at your house - you could have told her to have a good life. You could have been on radio silence.

    I do believe in "not giving up on people" and believing in people. If she was non abusive, and was capable of a relationship where there was give and take, respect and health, and she had a reading disability that back then wasn't helped as much as now and she decided to go back for her GED - YES - cheering someone on and not giving up on them would be awesome and noble. or a woman you were with for 5 years is diagnosed with cancer - not giving up and fighting the fight with them is noble. But in this situation - some people are broken. They have a personality ingrained in them and there is nothing about them that implies that they will change by someone believing in them or cheering for them. One day if she becomes more self aware there is a possibility that she may gain some insight and get help and make SOME changes - hopefully that does - but it doesn't come from a couple months of trying and then "yay, she's better". You are "not giving up" that she will suddenly change into a totally different person.

    My ex, who was abusive in a 'final letter" to me apologized for getting mad at me and yelling, but of course had to add "but i would'n't have had to yell if you hadn't....." spoke at a particular random and arbitary moment. I've got news for the "not giving up" In 12 years he never became a different person despite self help seminars he did to show how self aware he was despite me "believing in him" - I just became more aware of the fact that i did not deserve the treatment. He twisted things and I believed at some point i deserved the treatment as nuts as that was.

    you think you are this enlightened person who 'gets her' and what she is about from the text book or webmd view - the sex must have been mind blowing - because i don't imagine why else you would even consider this. Bottom line, i still stand behind my opinion that you need better boundaries to say "next" and to leave the trainwreck and hop on a different train.

  4. #34
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    I pray to God regularly to either "bring her back, or take these feelings in my heart for her away"... So far NEITHER has happened so what does that mean? lol

    It means you have to do something, like moving on. Just like everybody else does. You block her number. You don't accept further contact. And in time, when there is no possible "when is she going to call me next" - you will finally start to move on. God is not Santa Claus or Amazon Prime. And I suspect you are not sincere, because you really don't want to lose feelings. You really want her to stand begging on your porch.

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  6. #35
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    I pray to God regularly to either "bring her back, or take these feelings in my heart for her away"... So far NEITHER has happened so what does that mean? lol

    It means you have to do something, like moving on. Just like everybody else does. You block her number. You don't accept further contact. And in time, when there is no possible "when is she going to call me next" - you will finally start to move on. God is not Santa Claus or Amazon Prime. And I suspect you are not sincere, because you really don't want to lose feelings. You really want her to stand begging on your porch.
    I am 100% sincere in my feelings for her. I am also 100% sincere in asking God for guidance on this matter. Of course I don't want her to "stand on my porch begging". Why would I want that?
    "Moving on"? What really constitutes "moving on". Dating others? Check. Sleeping with others? Check. - I'm doing both. There is always the possibility of meeting someone new tomorrow that will be so awesome and such a strong connection that she will stir feelings in me that sweep clean away any I ever had for this girl, right? Can't force that to happen, just like I can't force myself to give up and write off this girl. Our hearts tell us when it's time to give up and write off don't they? Currently, ,she occupies that place in my heart. Call me a hopeless romantic, or call me an idiot, but at this point I still have the belief and the desire to be with her again. And that is based off of how things were between us. I believe she IS capable of a normal, healthy, loving relationship of the kind that everyone wants, DESPITE her obvious "damage". Why do I think this? Because that's WHO she showed me she was for the 7 months we spent together. She might be exposing her "crazy" since she pushed me away, and since reinvolving herself with the ex, but she never showed me "crazy" ever while we were together. It was a very normal, traditional, slowly developing dating experience that grew into a relationship...free of any major drama or conflict. So I know she's "capable" of that, even though it's foreign to her, scares her, and takes her out of her "negative comfort zone". There has been no lying, cheating, stealing...etc..or violation of any trust and respect between us. So I see that there is still potential for her to come around and enormous potential for us again at some point as a couple in a relationship. Because we've had that, and could have it again... I've known a few examples of "damaged", including "abused" people, female and male, who have broken their patterns of cycle of abuse and overcome their low self-esteem issues to finally connect with the right partner and who have ended up moving forward with their lives with that right partner. That's why I don't concur with the "RUN!" "Block her", "NO CONTACT" ..."she's a mess", "trainwreck"...etc...suggestions. If she has self-esteem issues, is hurting, in a bad situation with an abusive "on again off again" guy who treats her like dirt, and doesn't have a very large or reliable friend/support system (which she doesn't) - shutting her out of my life and blocking her from contact with me would be a terrible, the worst, thing to do to her and for her. I realize that she has to work things out on her own. I will continue to "love her from afar" while doing my own thing, be pleasant and supportive when I hear from her, and occasionally probably drop her reminders (email, text, phone call) , something to make her laugh and put a smile on her face. And yes, I realize it's up to me to not allow her to use me or suck me into a "cycle" of our own between her and me. If I ever feel as if she is just keeping me around for comfort, and him around for drama, then I'll know it's definitively OVER. It's not to that point.

  7. #36
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    you think you are this enlightened person who 'gets her' and what she is about from the text book or webmd view - the sex must have been mind blowing - because i don't imagine why else you would even consider this. Bottom line, i still stand behind my opinion that you need better boundaries to say "next" and to leave the trainwreck and hop on a different train.
    Broken, I AM a pretty "enlightened" person who "gets her". lol I'm a very intuitive person and throughout this process most of my intuition with her, and what's going on with her has proven to be 99% spot on so far. And it wasn't about "mind blowing sex" - It's about how I feel about her, and her about me, and the connection we had...the feelings we shared...etc.... know what I mean? THAT, is what makes sex so often "mind blowing" to me - engaging in it with someone you love and care about. Surely you can relate to that? How much better and more fulfilling sex is when it is enjoyed with someone you care about, right? So that's the only element regarding "sex" that comes into play. I've been with a few women who were absolutely amazing in bed, wild ...etc...but who I never enjoyed any real feelings/connection with, so that's all it was - mind blowing sex, and nothing more. More than the sex, the "amazing" part was the feelings connected with it, and the post-sex "cuddle & talk" part. Yeah, that's sappy I guess, but I'm old enough now to know the important things. lol

    Btw..I know you think I'm nuts for wanting to play this out and wait it out, Broken, but I do really appreciate your insight and opinion and want to thank you for taking the time to add your remarks. I'm just not ready to chuck it all and walk away at this point...at least not YET.

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    Hi Fun Bloater 1. What do your friends suggest? Did they know your ex?

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    Originally Posted by Leahjeff
    Hi Fun Bloater 1. What do your friends suggest? Did they know your ex?
    Yes, many of my friends got to know her during the time we were together. Everyone she met through me liked her immensely and found her to be sweet, pleasant, and fun. She took right to most of the friends of mine, female and male, that she met through me. Of the ones I have bled on and kept updated about the situation, most of them tell me not to give up on her, wait it out, BUT keep living my life in the meantime. Most of my friends, especially my closer female friends, saw us as being very good together, and they know how happy her and I were. And her two daughters have indicated the same - don't give up on her. Give her time, let her sort herself out, and be hopeful for the future. So to answer your question, that's what my "real world", those who know me, know her, have suggested. I am lucky. I have a very large social circle and am lucky to have many amazing friends around me as a support system. They all say "don't give up", but they also say "don't shut yourself off from other opportunities either". Which is pretty much what I have been doing over the past few months. Dating, an "FWB" relationship, reached out to a couple of ex's...etc... Because it doesn't really matter. I'm not truly "emotionally available" to any one NEW right now who might have serious and real relationship potential. thanks for your response, Leahjeff!

  10. #39
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    Thought I would provide an update on my situation because a couple of people have asked me via PM's about it. There has been more since 3-27-17 last post. So I'll share because it might help someone in a similar circumstance. I'm not necessarily looking for "advice" about "getting her back" either. Yes I still love her very much, and am still hopeful there might be a future somewhere ahead with her and I together again. Still haven't given up on her. What I have "given" up doing is obsessing about it and letting thoughts and worry about her dominate my thoughts. A friend of mine told me recently, "Don't let your head eat your soul", and she's right! I'm doing pretty well emotionally these days, busy with work, active social life, meeting and dating others, and generally "doing ME". Which is what one must do in these circumstances.

    Anyway - Thoughout March and into April I continued to get sporadic texts messages such as "thinking of you, missing you" with hearts and kissy faces...couple of random emails exchanged, but still NO mention by her of her situation with the abusive ex boyfriend. None. Even though I'm sure she had to know that I knew.... She just would never bring it up or mention it. I got an email from her suggesting that her and I "get together when we have some time because she had things she wanted to "chat about" and "questions to ask me"....and added that she "knows I will be honest with her, and that I can tell her anything and be straigth with her without hurting her feelings or judging her". So I figured that she was going to open up at some point and the only thing that she could possibly have to talk about with me was the situation with Josh, the dbag abusive, piece of sh*t ex; she has been letting all but live at her house since January.... So I answered that email with "sure, you know you and I can talk about anything, feel free to get ahold of me" And left it at that. Figured she was asking for the meeting so I'd leave it in her hands to make it happen.

    Two weeks pass with NO contact between us....about a month ago I come home on a Wed night about midnight after drinking with friends. Open the door to my apartment and there she is curled up again in my recliner, wearing my pajamas...her clothes were spread out on the kitchen table because they were soaking wet.
    So that night it ALL came out....she cried a river, told me everything about how ty she felt, how foolish she felt about letting the ex back in her life like she did, admitted to sabotaging the relationship between us...how it happened...how much she regretted it...blah blah blah...went through a half a box of Kleenex.... She really opened up to me as she hadn't really ever done before. I said all the right things - told her I understood, that it was okay, and reinforced that I love her and care for her, and that I knew all about it anyway. Everything she told me about how bad things are at her house coincided with what her daughter had told me a few weeks before....same story. We talked all night about her situation, her past, some of her issues, we talked about us, and just cuddled all night. She said some very telling things too.

    How she happened to show up at my house that night (she knows where I keep my spare key, this isn't a big deal) was she jumped out of the abusive ex's car at a stoplight and walked 2.5 miles to my apartment..and it was chilly and raining out, hence her wet clothes. She had no phone because the bastard had recently broken it (again). I had never seen her in that condition before - totally despondent, shaken up, despairing, and that upset...and it kind of startled me. Like I said, everything came out...finally! The most disturbing part of this story is that when they had been into it fighting earlier that evening the abusive ex wrapped a cable chord around her neck and said "if you have no hope for us anymore, is this what you want? to just end it here?"... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT???? She told me all about how she just wants him gone, she's asked him to go, has told him he's got to go, has been purposely being mean to him to make him go....etc...etc... but he won't. This guy has nowhere else to go except his Mom's or his sisters that live here in our city. He's one of those total loser, 40 year old, odd jobs here and there, no career..NO place of his own...etc...total dead beat..(and a dead beat Dad as well, the State is looking for him for child support). Believe me I'm not exaggerating what a total sh*tbag this guy is. So he's not going to go anywhere until he finds something else...etc.e.tc..and who knows what he's telling her to scare her, or what he's holding over her...etc... Like most abusive a*ssholes, he's a master manipulator and control freak...
    I'm sure he's telling her that she could get in big trouble because of the restraining order, and she told me he has asked her many times to have the order removed, which she has not done, and says she will not do. She knows he MUST go. She knows how toxic and abusive this situation is. Again, we talked about many, many things, very clearly and openly that night. I asked her why it has taken her so long to just tell me about what happened with getting reinvolved with Josh...she said she couldn't because she was "embarrassed and ashamed" to admit that to me...not surprised and what I thought too.
    Next day she was adamant that she was going to pack what little things he has at HER house (yeah, HER house, HER lease...he's like a "squatter"...total user) So I held her hand all the way as I drove her home and she insisted that this was IT, she was going to force him to get the hell out finally, this time. She told me she was not going to let him manipulate and use her anymore... We made vague plans to get together over the weekend...this was on a Thursday afternoon. I just pledged her my support, told her I loved her. She told me the same..blah blah blah.... dropped her off a black from her house. His (ex's) car was there so he must have gotten off work early. Her plan was to pack his crap and put it outside.

    Anyway...you guys can guess what happened, right? Abusive dbag loser ex is still there! Which I half expected to happen. Apparently she probably tried to force him to leave but couldn't get it done. He has a way of turning things around on her, and she knows that, told me that. She texted me the next day letting me know she was "okay, just taking care of her daughter and grandson"... I texted her back "so how did that thing with Josh go?". Of course no response.

    So a week or so later I start getting texts every few days or so "thinking of you, missing you"...etc....etc.. The next weekend was Easter and I sent her a simple card that said "Believe", and an Easter lily to her office - which she pleasantly responded to. I've been dropping her an email every couple weeks with meme's pertaining to self esteem, encouragement, faith...etc..etc.. things that either make her smile, laugh, or ..make her think, sometimes all three! Hadn't heard from her in a couple weeks except trading emails on Cinco De Mayo (she is half hispanic). She been back to just not mentioning anytyhing about the situation with her ex when we communicate. Yet I get texts from her "missing me, thinking about me"...etc...

    My main MO is to just continue to be supportive of her and drop her gentle reminders that I care, I'm here for her...etc.... Posturing myself hopefully to be her "golden boy" - the "one good man she's never known who is unwilling to give up on her" So in keeping with that I send her a Mom's Day card with a hydrengea plant at her office this past Monday (3 days ago).

    Here is her email response back to me thanking me for it. It's sad, very sad. Not "sad for me", but sad because her life is pretty crappy and miserable right now. She comes across as pathetic, almost resigned to her terrible situation and being miserable and unhappy.
    __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _____-
    Subject: thank you!!

    Thank you so very much for the beautiful plant. I love it. And yes, I had an Ok mother’s day. I didn’t do anything but work around the house and rest. Was going to go fishing, but got too lazy to go after I got other stuff done. I really appreciate all that you do and think of me. Often I feel like I am not special to anyone but my KJ. So you always thinking and talking to me lets me know I am at least special to someone. LOL sounds like work is going pretty good for you and I am so glad. I knew it would get lots better for you. Mine is pretty much still about the same. Little less stressed due to Nicole being gone. But very swamped with lots of work. Nothing really new. Same old same old here. I have a dr’s appointment here at 1pm then after that think I may head on home and take a nap. You know me and my Mondays. I hate them. I haven’t really been up to much. I do miss all my friends. My mom was up last week and stayed for a couple of days. Kind of glad she went back home though. It’s all good for a while but then she starts to annoy me. My phone is off right now, just because I have to pay the monthly 45.00 and my last check went to rent and Kirsten’s car payment. So I should have it on next week. But it really doesn’t bother me until I need it to log in for work from home. I was doing good and had some money saved up but then got hit with a high power bill and that took what I had saved. Someday I will get ahead and have money saved and when I do I’m not saying anything. I may work this summer on a part time job. But haven’t made up my mind. I should and need to but I get mentally drained after work. Well better her going to appointment and get going. Thank you again so much. Love you and miss talking to you and seeing you smile and laugh. xoxoxox
    __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ________
    I just responded pleasantly the next day with:
    __________________________________________________ _________________________________________
    You’re very welcome! Hope it made you smile, and glad it made you feel special, because to me you certainly are very special – so I bet I can give KJ a run for his money in the “seeing you as someone special” department!  …and I want you to always be 100% secure in knowing that -remember?  When I was selecting which plant to get you, the hydreanga just kind of spoke your name because the lavender tint of it reminded me that you are fond of the color purple. When I selected the card, the sentiment in the card screamed “Roxanne” to a “T” and I couldn’t have expressed how I see you through my eyes better had I written it myself. 

    I miss “seeing you smile and laugh” very much also, miss the sound of your voice and your gentle giggles… Hope to see you soon and we’ll talk about whatever and share some smiles and laughs. You know you’re always welcome at my place when you can, or need to, get away, hide out, nap…lol…or just want to see me and sip some Jack together!
    Know that you’re on my mind very much, I miss you, and that I’m here for you. 

    Let’s get caught up soon!

    You mentioned you had a Dr. appointment? Everything OK? Finally get rid of your bronchitis? Nothing to worry about I hope!
    Please get your phone turned back on, and if you need some help with that, let me know. I’d be glad to help you with your balance. You not having a phone worries me, mainly if you were to need it in an emergency - for yourself, one of the girls, or KJ…etc. Plus I miss your text messages! Lol
    __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________

    So this is where it's at right now. As I said at start of update. I'm okay and no longer obsessed with it and no longer letting it dominate my thoughts. Still care, still love her, still believe in her. My feelings haven't changed. However, how I handle my feelings HAVE CHANGED. I am starting to feel the "pangs of indifference" towards her, and I find myself feeling sorry for her more and more.
    Nothing I can do. Still don't doubt how she feels about me. I'ts up to her to change her situation (get rid of abusive ex finally and permanently). She KNOWS what she needs to do to and needs no reminders from me. She'll do it sooner or later, and I have no doubt she'll show back up at my place again also...and we'll get another chance to talk deeply about things.
    Her email response to me I found very sad, which makes me sad for her. She truly is in a "cycle of toxic/abuse?....worse, is SHE KNOWS IT! She made the remark that night she was at my place "I feel like by letting Josh back in, I have thrown 7 years of therapy down the drain, going back to Eric (her ex hub, who was, guess what? an abusive piece of too). SO SHE KNOWS....

    So I guess I will keep letting her know I'm here for her and keep on DOING ME and living my life.... How do you help someone who is unwilling, incapable, or not wanting to HELP THEMSELVES??? This is what is becoming the question.

    Anyway, that' the long update. Would welcome insight on how she is. To me, and a few of my friends who know about these things, she is TEXTBOOK example of the "low self esteem" woman who has been beaten on and beaten down. She sabotaged a very good thing with me, and then reopened her door to about the farthest thing she could get from Me, and the good that comes with me...by letting her abusive sh*tbag ex back into her life. Now she wants him gone because SHE KNOWS, but can't seem to make it happen.... Her life is a mess, a terrible mess, and she's miserable...but it's a MESS OF HER OWN making. She knows what she needs to do, must do, because she knows there's no "happily ever after" or any trust, faith, or future with this piece of sh*t. It's still beyond me how a woman can keep going back to an abusive loser who has proven many times over the years to her that he is NO DAMN GOOD and a total abusive loser who treats her like a piece of sh*t.

    Hope everyone's having a great day! lol

    However, I have other interests going on at present. We are at the cusp of another great boating summer!

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    Love yourself enough to walk away from her. She's a mess. I'm sure she's had a rough life, but we ALL have our story to tell. She wants the loser, let her have him. This is her choice. But don't you dare be her doormat and that's ex's tMy how you are acting. Why would you even consider taking her back after she chose to be with someone else? And now your offering to pay her bills? I was with a guy who dumped me to redate his "loser" ex. It broke my heart into pieces. And yes, he'd occasionally send me a breadcrumb to string me along. One day, I just completely cut him off without warning and I was "over" him within 6 months of NC. I've seen him around a few times since then and I can't believe I was ever in love with him. You'll get there, but you have to take the first step: block. Second step: hide your key!

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