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Thread: Emotional Damage from history of toxic/abusive relationships -seeking insight!

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Excellent, now you can keep it that way. Boater 1;6742441]This kind of drama is totally foreign to me.

  2. #22
    Gold Member Fun Boater 1's Avatar
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    Applicable insight to my situation. This is my former girlfriend in a nutshell. From an article on a psychology magazine I recently read.

    "She Avoids Dependency
    Often such women even tend to run in the opposite direction the nicer you get or the better the relationship is getting. This is almost textbook 'emotional baggage' type behavior. She is basically afraid of believing things can actually be good, despite having all the urges to be in a normal, healthy relationship, as everything in the past has taught her that this isn't possible. Worse still, your niceness may even drive her back into the arms of another idiotic male who will only serve to sustain this negative cycle."

    [Register to see the link]

  3. #23
    Gold Member Fun Boater 1's Avatar
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    So should I be seeing this woman that I care so much about as a total "lost cause", or is there still hope worth hanging onto that she will come around? I want to reach out, obviously, Valentines Day is Tuesday. I'm torn because half of me wants to "walk away" and do nothing further, and the other half of me feels sad and sorry for her being in the bad place that she's in and that half of me thinks I should reach out and send her a card for Valentines Day with just some simple and short sentiment that lets her know that I'm available to her, and to appeal to her emotions. I'm sure she hasn't forgotten about me, but she might be very well feeling sheepish, afraid, etc...and knowing what I know about how she thinks about herself, she might even be thinking that I hate her and am extremely angry with her for how she ended things with me. (I'm not, and I think it might be important for her to know that) I just want to preserve the potential for us to reconnect again in the future, once she gets a better grip on her life and the next time things blow up with this abusive manipulative no-good ex who she's gotten reinvolved with again. I know that will end badly sooner or later and she is likely to turn to me. Afterall, there was nothing negative or unsavor about anything between us...ever. Which of course makes this all the more frustrating, despite me gaining a large amount of understanding of the cycle she is in. Believe me, I've googled "low self esteem & relationships", "negative comfort zone", "trauma bonding"...and a few more. She fits into the scenarios I've found and learned about in many cases. Yeah, I know she is a 'whack job". But I love her. And what makes me unwilling and unready to totally give up and walk away is the fact that in the 7 months we dated...she never showed me crazy, in fact she showed me normal, healthy, and regular relationship behavior. So I know she is capable of checking her demons and acting healthy in a relationship. Unfortunately she appears to have back slid. This is maddening to no end, but it's just so hard to give up on someone you had such a good thing with in a relationship that showed so much potential.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by Fun Boater 1
    So should I be seeing this woman that I care so much about as a total "lost cause", or is there still hope worth hanging onto that she will come around? I want to reach out, obviously, Valentines Day is Tuesday. I'm torn because half of me wants to "walk away" and do nothing further, and the other half of me feels sad and sorry for her being in the bad place that she's in and that half of me thinks I should reach out and send her a card for Valentines Day with just some simple and short sentiment that lets her know that I'm available to her, and to appeal to her emotions. I'm sure she hasn't forgotten about me, but she might be very well feeling sheepish, afraid, etc...and knowing what I know about how she thinks about herself, she might even be thinking that I hate her and am extremely angry with her for how she ended things with me. (I'm not, and I think it might be important for her to know that) I just want to preserve the potential for us to reconnect again in the future, once she gets a better grip on her life and the next time things blow up with this abusive manipulative no-good ex who she's gotten reinvolved with again. I know that will end badly sooner or later and she is likely to turn to me. Afterall, there was nothing negative or unsavor about anything between us...ever. Which of course makes this all the more frustrating, despite me gaining a large amount of understanding of the cycle she is in. Believe me, I've googled "low self esteem & relationships", "negative comfort zone", "trauma bonding"...and a few more. She fits into the scenarios I've found and learned about in many cases. Yeah, I know she is a 'whack job". But I love her. And what makes me unwilling and unready to totally give up and walk away is the fact that in the 7 months we dated...she never showed me crazy, in fact she showed me normal, healthy, and regular relationship behavior. So I know she is capable of checking her demons and acting healthy in a relationship. Unfortunately she appears to have back slid. This is maddening to no end, but it's just so hard to give up on someone you had such a good thing with in a relationship that showed so much potential.
    Geez dude just let it go. It's HER fault she's in a bad place. It's HER life. Not yours. She's an adult. You can't control her. She will make her own choices. You can only control your own life. Stop letting her use you.

    Why would you even want to be with her again? She's obviously got issues. She jumps back and forth. Go find someone who wants to be with YOU. Not use you as a backup.

    You only were with her 7 months. You don't think it if would go longer you wouldn't see it? And NOW you have seen it.

    I get it. I do. It's hard for me to give up on my ex. I have gone back to him so many times. In my heart every time I hear about he's sober I think maybe there's a chance for us but it shouldn't happen. I have to get my heart on board with my head. I have realized he will only be sober if he wants to be. He will be a man if he wants to be. No one can change him. Not me. Not any new chicks he meets who see him sober and think he's so amazing. Yeah he can be when he is sober but he's been lying and using people so long I don't think he knows any other way to live. I also don't think he can be monogamous. SO I have to learn to deal with it and try to move on.

    If you want to waste your life on this woman that's your choice. But no one is going to give you advice on how to get back together with a total whack job. Why do you want to wait for someone to "come around?" Why not go find someone who wants to be with you?

    Like I said you really need to consider counseling. An objective third party who is trained in this kind of stuff would help you IMMENSELY.

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  6. #25
    Gold Member Fun Boater 1's Avatar
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    Oh I know what you are saying . Really I do, but it's just hard to let go when you believe in someone so much, and when you tend to undertand their issues. And I don't feel "used" by her at all, nor do I feel like a "backup". She's put no demands on me, nor asked me for anything. She's well aware of her own issues and demons and she's not the diabolical evil woman you make her out to be. This hasn't been some kind of viscious cycle ...and I would not allow it turn into one either. Ive not put my life on hold for her either. I'm dating, seeing others, sleeping with another on a casual basis. I did reach out to her on Valentines Day. Sent her flowers to her office, a card, with a letter in it sharing some feelings with her, and several photos of her and I during happy times. Here's what the note said, and her response. My intuition about what is going on with her is spot on, as her remarks in her response indicates.

    Hope this finds you well! I miss you Roxanne! - miss your smile, your touch, your giggles and laughter, miss kissing you on the forehead and nose, Ömiss the way youíve always looked at me and the way youíve always made me feel being with you and around you, miss your warmth next to me at night, Öthe list could go on and on of all the little things - all the pleasant and wonderful things about you that make you the beautiful person you are. I miss you as a loverÖbut even more so miss the deep friendship that has always gone hand in hand with that - the easy, pleasant, and the ďwhy did the time pass so quickly when Iím with you?Ē type of connection we have always enjoyed together. Lately, Iíve had that ďfeels like Iíve lost my best friendĒ kind of feeling because, as a lover, or as a friend; my feelings for you, my belief in you, my faith in you, my respect for you, and my trust in you for being the wonderful person you are, are just as strong and clear as they were the first time we said ďI love youĒ to each other back in August. In some ways, those feelings have grown even stronger. 
    Itís very important to me that you know how deep my feelings for you run. I am NOT angry with you for pushing me away, far from it. You havenít ďbrokenĒ my heart Ė just maybe ďdentedĒ it a little, yes, and that saddens me greatly, being apart from you and us being estranged, but Iíve never been mad or angry with you, and I wonít be. I understand some things perhaps more than you might realize, Roxanne, and I think the world of you, so donít EVER think that I think any less of you because I donít, and never be hesitant or afraid to communicate with me, see me, depend on me, or call on me for anything, especially if you are down, hurting, or in a bad place. Please know this, because it means much to me that you understand that. 
    And if there is one single thing I want you always to be 100% secure in the knowledge of, that I want you to be wholly secure in your mind and in your heart is that I love you Ė unconditionally and completely, regardless of if you live 5 minutes, or 5 hours, away, and that Iím always here for you and I want you always to be wholly secure in your trust and faith in me, and be 100% secure in knowing Ö.that my door is always open to you,.my mind is always open to you,. and most importantly, . my heart is always open to you. 
    These photos are for you to keep in your desk drawer. If you are having a terrible day at work or at home, if itís gloomy outside or raining, or if you are just feeling down for whatever reason. Please pull them out and let them remind you of the abundant happy times weíve shared, remember all the times weíve made each other smile, and then ďsmile, because you know that somewhere I am missing you and thinking about you, babydoll!Ē 

    Here is her email response that she sent me in return:


    It was a total surprise coming into work today and seeing what was at my desk already. Thank you so much I love it all. Of course I always love what you send, give or write to me. It made me cry reading your card and couldnít read the letter until just little bit ago. Kind of wanted to wait until everyone was gone so they didnít see me cry again or interrupt me. It touched me in a way I canít explain. And I know how you feel. I think of you all the time I think of all the times we shared, smiles we smiled and laughs we laughed. And of course the crying I may have done at times. I wish I could sit and finish this letter up but for some reason I canít keep it together.; maybe lots of what you had said is hitting home and coming to a head. Please donít ever think you donít cross my mind or that I donít think about you and what you may be doing and up too. And yes there has been several times I have just wanted to stop by and hide out at your place. Or come by to say hi or meet up to have some drinks and make me forget life for a second. I wish I could tell you that I am happy or that I am fine and life is great. I have been dealing with life and seems to knock me down every time I make steps forward. I guess I never thought Iíd ever say this in my life. But I think I am truly ready for someone to take care of me. Just meÖ.I am getting tired and wore down. And I think Iím ready. I donít have a phone again the new one I just gotten broke in like a week and I need to fix it. But feel free to contact me on here or FB. But that too havenít been on in a while. I have been meaning to email you back from your last email I got here at work. Itís been busy again now with Nichole gone but must say lots better. And that is great news about your job. I am so happy for you. Well I better get going and I will have to email you again when Iím not so emotional and explain more to ya. Love you lots always will

    So when I sent her that stuff, it was more of a "let go" exercise on my part, but apparently it touched her and affected her. She knows. Up to her to do something to change her current "bad place" status. and I realize there is nothing I can do to control her decisions. All on her. However, I am encouraged by her response. We'll see what she does. As long as this isn't holding me back from meeting/dating/seeing others in the meantime, I'm okay with not entirely letting go....and everyone deserved a 2nd chance don't they?

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by Fun Boater 1
    Oh I know what you are saying . Really I do, but it's just hard to let go when you believe in someone so much, and when you tend to undertand their issues. And I don't feel "used" by her at all, nor do I feel like a "backup". She's put no demands on me, nor asked me for anything. She's well aware of her own issues and demons and she's not the diabolical evil woman you make her out to be. This hasn't been some kind of viscious cycle ...and I would not allow it turn into one either. Ive not put my life on hold for her either. I'm dating, seeing others, sleeping with another on a casual basis. I did reach out to her on Valentines Day. Sent her flowers to her office, a card, with a letter in it sharing some feelings with her, and several photos of her and I during happy times. Here's what the note said, and her response. My intuition about what is going on with her is spot on, as her remarks in her response indicates.

    Hope this finds you well! I miss you Roxanne! - miss your smile, your touch, your giggles and laughter, miss kissing you on the forehead and nose, Ömiss the way youíve always looked at me and the way youíve always made me feel being with you and around you, miss your warmth next to me at night, Öthe list could go on and on of all the little things - all the pleasant and wonderful things about you that make you the beautiful person you are. I miss you as a loverÖbut even more so miss the deep friendship that has always gone hand in hand with that - the easy, pleasant, and the ďwhy did the time pass so quickly when Iím with you?Ē type of connection we have always enjoyed together. Lately, Iíve had that ďfeels like Iíve lost my best friendĒ kind of feeling because, as a lover, or as a friend; my feelings for you, my belief in you, my faith in you, my respect for you, and my trust in you for being the wonderful person you are, are just as strong and clear as they were the first time we said ďI love youĒ to each other back in August. In some ways, those feelings have grown even stronger. 
    Itís very important to me that you know how deep my feelings for you run. I am NOT angry with you for pushing me away, far from it. You havenít ďbrokenĒ my heart Ė just maybe ďdentedĒ it a little, yes, and that saddens me greatly, being apart from you and us being estranged, but Iíve never been mad or angry with you, and I wonít be. I understand some things perhaps more than you might realize, Roxanne, and I think the world of you, so donít EVER think that I think any less of you because I donít, and never be hesitant or afraid to communicate with me, see me, depend on me, or call on me for anything, especially if you are down, hurting, or in a bad place. Please know this, because it means much to me that you understand that. 
    And if there is one single thing I want you always to be 100% secure in the knowledge of, that I want you to be wholly secure in your mind and in your heart is that I love you Ė unconditionally and completely, regardless of if you live 5 minutes, or 5 hours, away, and that Iím always here for you and I want you always to be wholly secure in your trust and faith in me, and be 100% secure in knowing Ö.that my door is always open to you,.my mind is always open to you,. and most importantly, . my heart is always open to you. 
    These photos are for you to keep in your desk drawer. If you are having a terrible day at work or at home, if itís gloomy outside or raining, or if you are just feeling down for whatever reason. Please pull them out and let them remind you of the abundant happy times weíve shared, remember all the times weíve made each other smile, and then ďsmile, because you know that somewhere I am missing you and thinking about you, babydoll!Ē 

    Here is her email response that she sent me in return:


    It was a total surprise coming into work today and seeing what was at my desk already. Thank you so much I love it all. Of course I always love what you send, give or write to me. It made me cry reading your card and couldnít read the letter until just little bit ago. Kind of wanted to wait until everyone was gone so they didnít see me cry again or interrupt me. It touched me in a way I canít explain. And I know how you feel. I think of you all the time I think of all the times we shared, smiles we smiled and laughs we laughed. And of course the crying I may have done at times. I wish I could sit and finish this letter up but for some reason I canít keep it together.; maybe lots of what you had said is hitting home and coming to a head. Please donít ever think you donít cross my mind or that I donít think about you and what you may be doing and up too. And yes there has been several times I have just wanted to stop by and hide out at your place. Or come by to say hi or meet up to have some drinks and make me forget life for a second. I wish I could tell you that I am happy or that I am fine and life is great. I have been dealing with life and seems to knock me down every time I make steps forward. I guess I never thought Iíd ever say this in my life. But I think I am truly ready for someone to take care of me. Just meÖ.I am getting tired and wore down. And I think Iím ready. I donít have a phone again the new one I just gotten broke in like a week and I need to fix it. But feel free to contact me on here or FB. But that too havenít been on in a while. I have been meaning to email you back from your last email I got here at work. Itís been busy again now with Nichole gone but must say lots better. And that is great news about your job. I am so happy for you. Well I better get going and I will have to email you again when Iím not so emotional and explain more to ya. Love you lots always will

    So when I sent her that stuff, it was more of a "let go" exercise on my part, but apparently it touched her and affected her. She knows. Up to her to do something to change her current "bad place" status. and I realize there is nothing I can do to control her decisions. All on her. However, I am encouraged by her response. We'll see what she does. As long as this isn't holding me back from meeting/dating/seeing others in the meantime, I'm okay with not entirely letting go....and everyone deserved a 2nd chance don't they?
    I told you that I know how you feel. Itís very hard to let of my ex despite all the things heís done while he was drunk or on meth. But I know heís not in a place to be with him and maybe never. Just because you donít feel ďusedĒ or a ďbackupĒ doesnít mean you arenít one of those things. I never said sheís diabolically evil. At all. But I know her type very much. It is a vicious cycle. Perhaps you should go back and read your posts. There is a cycle going on for sure. Youíre dating and seeing others and casual sex Ė doesnít mean you have let go of her or moved on at all. You most definitely are emotionally on hold. Based on your words. That note PROVES you havenít moved on.

    Omg itís like Iím reading a letter from my ex. This is your life and you can do with it as you wish but she is stringing you along so that she has someone when sheís down or whatever.

    Sending an ex flowers and a note like that is not a ďlet goĒ exercise. At all. Do you know what I sent my ex for Valentineís Day? Nothing. He said he wanted to get me some flowers. (Heís out of rehab so heís acting like a normal person for now). I said no. That isnít right. We arenít together.

    Does everyone deserve a second chance? Depends on the person. No not every single person in the world deserves a second chance. You arenít going for a second chance. Youíre going to end up giving her second, third, 100 chances. Iíve been there. Iíll probably give my ex another chance if he stays sober and gets stable in this halfway house. I donít know. For some reason he has my heart and I actually really wish he didnít.
    You need to go no contact with her for a few months or something. I think youíll see a lot more clearly if you do that. But itís your life. If you want to casually date until sheís ďreadyĒ to be with you thatís your life to waste. Thatís what youíre doing.

  8. #27
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    That letter was horribly manipulative. You want to let go (so you say) so you send a letter that most people would have little choice not to be set back by - or pulled back in by. If you want to let go - then let go. When you guys weren't talking - continue on your end not to talk.

    I don't think you understand second chances. A second chance is someone who was a match, but has messed up. Done something by accident that ended up hurting you as a result even if not intended or made one wrong regretful choice. Its not that she made a mistake and deserves a second chance. This woman is a train wreck. Its just who she is in her life. Its who she is. You can't love it out of someone. When someone has low self esteem, goes back to their ex, or what have you - they don't change overnight. They are going to have the same low self esteem for a long time and can only make gradual changes. be careful that you do not use her because you are "aware" of this - by knowing she is weak so therefore saying things to make her act. Just as said before - you apparently are looking for a Project and someone to rescue - you don't believe she is "whole" because you are looking up info on self esteem and relationship cycles to find out about her weakness rather than going to meet a woman who has their act together and its just a matter of meeting the right one - unless YOUR self esteem is low about whatever thing about yourself and you don't think you can date or keep a woman with more going for her.

  9. #28

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    My tip to you, if you want her back, is to stop contacting and being 'nice'. i dont mean be horrible, but you need to be indifferent.

    I havent read all of the messages and dont know if she has had more that one abusive partner, but i'm goin to guess that she might have as she has now gone back to him.

    there are many deep rooted reasons why women go for men like this, or at the very least allow men to be like this with them, and one of them is that an early relationship (usually in childhood) was somehow damaging to her.

    often this could be a parent who is overly critical, controlling, abusive, has substance misuse issues, is emotionally unavailable, mental health issues, pre-occupied or maybe a work aholic. what happens is the child learns that they need to 'work' for affection, they may become a people pleaser, they develop low self esteem, they accept crumbs of affection and they have a deep feeling of pain that they try to sooth through 'achieving' validation from the ones that, usually, arent giving it to them... they learn that love is hard work and love is painful.

    so the child grows up and starts to form relationships, normal people come along and it doesn't feel quite exciting enough, its normal, comfortable, but that spark is missing... the spark is actually the emotional unavailability or witholding that abusive people display...because then the girl has to start focusing on pleasing, figuring out the mixed messages, focusing on the other person etc, and it feels familiar again, so thats what she believes love is.

    her logical head knows that it hurts, doesnt feel good, romance and flowers feel better...but still she will 'hope' that if she just does enough, the abuser will be the wonderful calm lover, that ironically she wouldnt know what to do with if he was!

    it is a co-dependent dance. add to that, that when abusers are in the 'gonna get you' mode they will love bomb... he will be all the things she hoped he would be at the beginning, so she will feel like she was right, he has changed!

    You and i know it is very unlikely that he will change and it will start over again.

    so back to your question...what to do.

    you have to realise she is hard wired for this and it takes a longggggg time for her to undo her early programming. if you care for her as you say, please just stop with the hearts and flowers, she knows that you care now and so you wont need to do any more, i dont think that will bring her back to you. in some ways you will have to appeal to what she IS attracted to...emotional unavailability...i know that sounds crazy, but it may have more of an impact. By that, i mean, live your life, dont be there, available every second of the day, dont swamp her with love messages, just go off and date and do your own thing and if she knows about it then good.

    sometimes you have to let the people you love go... its hard but only if they come back and 'chose you' is when you have something to work with... if you try too much now to win her back she will likely just go in the oposite direction, so its really pointless. i believe you can never actually win someone back, you have to just allow them to figure it out for themselves. By you being less available she may notice you again... or she may not...but you really only want her back this time if she is 100% into you anyway right?

  10. #29
    Gold Member Fun Boater 1's Avatar
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    Thanks for the response, Warrior. Just now seeing it. I've been trying to stay off of here for the most part because I've grown tired of dealing with it and tired of seeking advice. lol YES, I have a few updates over the past few weeks. I need to respond to a couple posts above but have honestly been very busy at my office during the workday (when I do most of my posts on here..lol)
    . In short, I am living my life, but still dropping her the occasional "thinking of you" texts and emails - all of which get positive responses. Since our exchange on Valentines Day I have received very positive signals from her - she'll text me unsolicited a few days here, and a few days there..then nothing for a week. It's like she wants to return, but can't get herself out of the miserable situation she's in. Got a huge earfull from her 20 year old daughter a few weeks ago about how gloomy, depressed, miserable, moody she is, about whenever ex boy is around they fight constantly...and it's getting worse and worse, worse than it's ever been according to her daughter (who lives with her). She also told that, YES, she knocked out two of ex boy's teeth back in late January (see above notes)...and that according to daughter it's like Mom is intentionally picking fights with ex boy because she wants him to leave.... Daughter also told me about how Mom talks about me all the time to her, how Mom was always so happy when she was with me...etc....and she said how I "bring out the best in her Mom"..."J*** brings out the worst in her"...he brings out her "crazy". She never showed ME crazy the entire time we were together, EVER. So anyway, we have been communicating a little more often. I have not blown up her phone, nor have I sent her any more sappy emotion-filled cards/notes/flowers... Yet I'm getting "thinking of you"..."love you, always will"... "youre on my mind very much lately"...etc..and chatty "about nothing" emails. Occasionally I'll send her a clever meme with just a couple lines via email to her work.

    So two weeks ago I come home from my 2nd job (bartending) at 2am in the morning, open my door, and guess who is curled up asleep in my recliner? HER. She knows where I keep my key, and I had told her a month ago that she was welcome at my place if she ever needed to get away, or needed a "safe space". We greeted each other and started talking as if we had just seen each other 3 days ago, not 3 months ago. It was totally natural, non-awkward, and comfortable. I made her laugh, we made small "catch up" talk. I put on my Santa hat and finally was able to give her the copule of Xmas items I had for her, which were totally spot on, thoughtful, and made her eyes wet when she opened them. We went to bed and just held each other super tight for the rest of night.
    I purposely steered clear of any "relationship" talk. Nor did I interrogate her about the ex being back in her life. She has never brought him up to me. Not once. But she must know that I know. I find this very curious??? I kept the conversation focused on "glad to see you", "glad you are here", "glad you are ok"...."feels good holding you"....told her I loved her and again told her that I wanted her to be 100% secure in the knowledge of how much I love her and how I think the world of her...etc.. She told me she loved me and will always love me, and that she misses so many things about us being together.... So we went to sleep and just held each other. Woke up a few hours later and it was like we were together again, like old times....that's how she acted. Again, no "relationshippy" talk. We made out a little before I walked her out to her car and told her that "I hope I see you over here again soon"...and she said "of course". She said she would email me...

    Well, as I kind of expected, only a couple of emails since and nothing "emotional". She was out of work for 4/5 days last week with bronchitis. Saw her briefly along the St Pats parade route (she had called and texted me that morning) ...I was marching in the parade. Went over kissed her on the lips, then on the forehead and said "Happy St. Pats, babydoll"...and gave candy and beads to her and grandson. That was last Friday. Texted her on Sat and Sun saying it was good to see her at parade and asking if she felt better. Nothing back from her yet and now it's Wednesday.

    Sooooo....my guess is that ex boy is still in the picture. Perhaps they had gotten into it the night she actually came over. She said "just needed to get away and get some peace and quiet" so could have had nothing to do with him. I know she misses me. I know she wanted to see me. YES< I am aware that maybe she just wanted to make sure I"m still available to her...but it didn't have that feel to it. Everything was positive and pleasant about our exchange that night and I think I did and said everything "right". Now she is being distant again and I"m pretty sure it's because she hasn't totally removed the ex boy from her life. I"m really not sure. I'm not reading much of anything into not hearing from her over the past days either. We had had no contact for 10 days before the night she showed up at my place.... I know she misses me. I know she loves me. I know that she feels stupid and regrets pushing me away. I also know that she cares just as deeply as I do. However, she has put herself back into a terrible situation with the ex that she might not really know how to break out of right now - even if she wants to desperately. Cycle of abuse, low self esteem...YES, Warrior, she fits your remarks to a T - a textbook case pretty much. I feel alot better about things after spending that night with her though. I'm no longer doubting how she feels about me. However, what she does about those feelings are entirely HER decisions, of which I have no control over whatsoever. She is damaged very clearly. I think eventually she may come around...because sooner or later that situation with the ex dag is going to END, and probably end badly. Meantime, just forging ahead, having fun, dating others, and living my life. Trying to focus on work and spending social time with friends, of which I have a very large group of. I realize I can't do anything to push her, pressure her...towards being done with ex and getting with me. Only she can do that. The rub is that I think she KNOWS, and because she KNOWS I'm a good guy who brings out the good in her, it scares the heck out of her, which caused her to push me away to start with.

    So same old, same old, just dealing with it better I guess!

  11. #30
    Platinum Member
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    In short, I am living my life, but still dropping her the occasional "thinking of you" texts and emails -

    Cut this out. Why are you still contacting this woman? You are the one initiating it, also. Why not just move on - find someone new?


    However, what she does about those feelings are entirely HER decisions, of which I have no control over whatsoever. She is damaged very clearly. I think eventually she may come around...because sooner or later that situation with the ex dag is going to END, and probably end badly. Meantime, just forging ahead


    So basically - you have no boundaries nor self esteem because you are saying here that you are biding your time - her ex will somehow eventually leave the picture and she will be coming back around to you. Have you learned nothing here?

    No, you can't control how someone else feels, but it doesn't mean "oh, i have no control about what they do - they might come back to me and i won't be able to control it" yes you can. Stop with these pathetic "i miss you messages" to a woman who is seeing someone else - fell back with her ex - to "remind" her of you and get on with your life.

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